weighing in with a heavy heart
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
weighing in with a heavy heart
I am feeling pretty heavy hearted today. It has been a week of triggers including seeing my ex at a major recovery speaker event. Just as I was telling an acquaintance that “my whole experience with my ex had driven me deeper into recovery” I turned and there he was. I know that he has continued to really struggle since we parted ways 14 months ago…as he has for almost twenty years now. I see things differently now, but I also still get “pinged” by the loss, and I recognize as well that this story of sickness, addiction and loss repeats itself ad infintum out into a population of hundreds of thousands, I see it everywhere, I recognize what I was once blind to…before my relationship with an addict.
When I came home today, after being with a sponsee and going to a meeting, and then having coffee with my sponsor, I came to SR. This place is part of my recovery care and I have come and gone a few times over the last 14 months. There have been a few posts since I came back that have asked why people leave…today has been one example.
Recently I posted on another thread that dealt with the disease model of addiction. I am especially sensitive to the disease model because when I was deeply active in my codependency I used the scientific/disease/research model as evidence of why I should stay in a relationship that was unhealthily laden with an intense addiction. (read: twenty year addiction to crack) I did not know anything when I entered into the relationship…I did not see the way I see now, that it is a horrific epidemic of insane proportions.
In my post I listed many of the ways that I could see the disease model, that, yes I acknowledged and I knew about the scientific model of an addict’s brain impulses…but I also became intimately acquainted with how those electro-scan brain impulses showed up in reality…on the street, in my home.
I mentioned how those impulses…those red areas on a brain scan…show up as lying, stealing, deceiving, stinking, dirty disappearances, they show up as a text message asking for help when there are armed gangsters in the car…and they show up as sexual relations with women who are trading their bodies for crack. They even show up as my ex trading certain sexual services of his own for crack.
Unfortunately I used a slur, I used an objectifying word for the women who are horribly experiencing such a sickly addicted degradation of themselves. I know myself, my language,…I used it…in that thread about “science and research”…as hard hitting dramatic language to illustrate the “non-scientific” reality that I came to know so intimately.
I know a just little about degradation. A black out alcoholic such as myself, may not be trading my body for booze…but booze gave away my body, I suffered humiliation and degradation because of my addiction. Please know that in my use of the slur crackw**** I did not mean to hurt anyone who has suffered so wickedly in the grip of such nasty addiction. I meant it only as illustrative of one aspect of the insane dangers of addiction. STDs run rampant in crack houses and I have still not been tested. And, after having found a woman’s pair of sunglasses in his car, a receipt for a feminine product in my house when I returned from a recovery retreat, and when a woman called my ex’s cell (who he had told me used to deal crack out of a van and prostitute her daughter in the van)…well, the illustration is way more intense then a red zone on a brain scan of an addict. Yes, there is emotion behind that illustration. But… please know that I did not mean to hurt, I meant to warn, and I made a mistake.
So…today I come home from long sessions, trying to calm the chemical washes still present from what blackandblue would perhaps call an “accidental relapse” and I find a very gracious message from a moderator in my mailbox informing me that she had changed the language in my post from w**** to prostitute, and I completely understood, completely…and I sincerely apologize for any hurt feelings.
However, I must also say that aside from a moderator’s appeal and explanation via a private message I found that my slur had also been developed into the subject of its own thread, and as I read the posts within that thread I found that it was humiliating and shaming…it was accusing me of not having compassion for women who trade themselves for crack. It mocked my use of the word compassion because I claim to have compassion for my ex but not for the woman who trades her body for crack. I used the word compassion for someone I loved and who I had to let go…but my slur implies that I do not use it for the multitude of women who I do not know. Shame on me.
I must also say that I DO often use the word compassion, and having compassion is part of MY recovery, I had to learn to let someone go so that he might have a chance at recovery, and I had to have compassion for myself as I waded through a codependents withdrawal with a broken heart…however I have repeatedly seen that the idea of having compassion for my ex, or for myself, or for others… has been mocked and ridiculed in threads by the same person who dragged my post, and by association me, through the mud today.
When I attempt to share my experience, strength and hope on SR I mean to do so in order to help others…but in a very big way it is also to help myself. SR has been a VERY VERY VERY important part of my recovery…I would not have made it without SR…I can say that without a blink of my eye.
I have, however, had to leave at times. I have felt ridiculed and bullied here.
I have been challenged by people who, I swear, have absolutely NO chance of having had the experience of the shoes I have walked in. I do not understand why there is a need for bullying, a need to call out and humiliate…a transparent howl to gather some allied posse to make fun of someone who needs this board as part of their recovery.
I once again have used the “ignore” option, I guess I should have left it on since I came back.
If any of you out there want to have a word with me about my slur, please accept my apology…and I would be happy to speak to you personally as well.
Peace. Leslie
When I came home today, after being with a sponsee and going to a meeting, and then having coffee with my sponsor, I came to SR. This place is part of my recovery care and I have come and gone a few times over the last 14 months. There have been a few posts since I came back that have asked why people leave…today has been one example.
Recently I posted on another thread that dealt with the disease model of addiction. I am especially sensitive to the disease model because when I was deeply active in my codependency I used the scientific/disease/research model as evidence of why I should stay in a relationship that was unhealthily laden with an intense addiction. (read: twenty year addiction to crack) I did not know anything when I entered into the relationship…I did not see the way I see now, that it is a horrific epidemic of insane proportions.
In my post I listed many of the ways that I could see the disease model, that, yes I acknowledged and I knew about the scientific model of an addict’s brain impulses…but I also became intimately acquainted with how those electro-scan brain impulses showed up in reality…on the street, in my home.
I mentioned how those impulses…those red areas on a brain scan…show up as lying, stealing, deceiving, stinking, dirty disappearances, they show up as a text message asking for help when there are armed gangsters in the car…and they show up as sexual relations with women who are trading their bodies for crack. They even show up as my ex trading certain sexual services of his own for crack.
Unfortunately I used a slur, I used an objectifying word for the women who are horribly experiencing such a sickly addicted degradation of themselves. I know myself, my language,…I used it…in that thread about “science and research”…as hard hitting dramatic language to illustrate the “non-scientific” reality that I came to know so intimately.
I know a just little about degradation. A black out alcoholic such as myself, may not be trading my body for booze…but booze gave away my body, I suffered humiliation and degradation because of my addiction. Please know that in my use of the slur crackw**** I did not mean to hurt anyone who has suffered so wickedly in the grip of such nasty addiction. I meant it only as illustrative of one aspect of the insane dangers of addiction. STDs run rampant in crack houses and I have still not been tested. And, after having found a woman’s pair of sunglasses in his car, a receipt for a feminine product in my house when I returned from a recovery retreat, and when a woman called my ex’s cell (who he had told me used to deal crack out of a van and prostitute her daughter in the van)…well, the illustration is way more intense then a red zone on a brain scan of an addict. Yes, there is emotion behind that illustration. But… please know that I did not mean to hurt, I meant to warn, and I made a mistake.
So…today I come home from long sessions, trying to calm the chemical washes still present from what blackandblue would perhaps call an “accidental relapse” and I find a very gracious message from a moderator in my mailbox informing me that she had changed the language in my post from w**** to prostitute, and I completely understood, completely…and I sincerely apologize for any hurt feelings.
However, I must also say that aside from a moderator’s appeal and explanation via a private message I found that my slur had also been developed into the subject of its own thread, and as I read the posts within that thread I found that it was humiliating and shaming…it was accusing me of not having compassion for women who trade themselves for crack. It mocked my use of the word compassion because I claim to have compassion for my ex but not for the woman who trades her body for crack. I used the word compassion for someone I loved and who I had to let go…but my slur implies that I do not use it for the multitude of women who I do not know. Shame on me.
I must also say that I DO often use the word compassion, and having compassion is part of MY recovery, I had to learn to let someone go so that he might have a chance at recovery, and I had to have compassion for myself as I waded through a codependents withdrawal with a broken heart…however I have repeatedly seen that the idea of having compassion for my ex, or for myself, or for others… has been mocked and ridiculed in threads by the same person who dragged my post, and by association me, through the mud today.
When I attempt to share my experience, strength and hope on SR I mean to do so in order to help others…but in a very big way it is also to help myself. SR has been a VERY VERY VERY important part of my recovery…I would not have made it without SR…I can say that without a blink of my eye.
I have, however, had to leave at times. I have felt ridiculed and bullied here.
I have been challenged by people who, I swear, have absolutely NO chance of having had the experience of the shoes I have walked in. I do not understand why there is a need for bullying, a need to call out and humiliate…a transparent howl to gather some allied posse to make fun of someone who needs this board as part of their recovery.
I once again have used the “ignore” option, I guess I should have left it on since I came back.
If any of you out there want to have a word with me about my slur, please accept my apology…and I would be happy to speak to you personally as well.
Peace. Leslie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I appreciate your apology, Leslie, I have tried to keep a balance and be fair about what is allowed to be posted here.
Using the ignore button is a good idea for anyone who feels put off or triggered by any member here. I recommend it often.
On a site this size it is very hard to keep peace and respect flowing, when people come from so many different backgrounds, areas of the world, cultures and experiences and pain with addiction. It works well when we embrace our diversity instead of struggling with our differences.
I am allowing this apology, it is taken with appreciation in the spirit with which it was given, and I am going to overlook your expression of displeasure with some members here because it expresses your own feelings and maybe serves as a reminder to each of us to be careful of how we post or what we say, lest we hurt those who need our support most, however unintentionally.
I am also going to close this thread as it has given you the chance to express what is in your heart and I think we can leave it at that.
Let's use this as a reminder that we all need each other here and when we can be supportive and respectful, it serves our purpose of one codie helping another...that's what this program is all about.
Now let's all go greet the next newcomer that comes through the door, and make them feel welcome by the finest recovery community the web has to offer.
Ann
Using the ignore button is a good idea for anyone who feels put off or triggered by any member here. I recommend it often.
On a site this size it is very hard to keep peace and respect flowing, when people come from so many different backgrounds, areas of the world, cultures and experiences and pain with addiction. It works well when we embrace our diversity instead of struggling with our differences.
I am allowing this apology, it is taken with appreciation in the spirit with which it was given, and I am going to overlook your expression of displeasure with some members here because it expresses your own feelings and maybe serves as a reminder to each of us to be careful of how we post or what we say, lest we hurt those who need our support most, however unintentionally.
I am also going to close this thread as it has given you the chance to express what is in your heart and I think we can leave it at that.
Let's use this as a reminder that we all need each other here and when we can be supportive and respectful, it serves our purpose of one codie helping another...that's what this program is all about.
Now let's all go greet the next newcomer that comes through the door, and make them feel welcome by the finest recovery community the web has to offer.
Ann
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