Helping
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Erie
Posts: 3
Helping
My wife decided to end our relationship in June of last year. By July she was addicted to heroin. I have done whatever I could do to help support her. She went to detox/inpatient in September and was clean until the end of November. She has been using but trying to stop since then. She moved out in January and stayed at a motel for 2 months until I told her I could no longer afford it. She tried staying at her mom's house but her mom's husband wouldn't let her have our children there. She moved back into our house late February/Early March. I got her on board to try to go to rehab again but once we got to this facility she found out our children wouldn't be able to visit her for the 4-5 weeks should would be in there so she backed out. She no longer speaks to anyone on her side of the family, the only people in her life besides the children and I are people that she uses with. She tries to go to meetings daily. She just started an outpatient program as well. I can just tell she wants to be clean but just doesn't have the confidence that she can do it. I try to stay positive and support her but it's very difficult to keep my emotions out of it. I'm trying to figure out what I can do for myself that will make it easier to relate to her struggles and help her gain that confidence she needs. Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Welcome to SR. What you can do to get started is read as much as possible here. Starting with the Sticky posts at the top of the forum.
You will start learning that most of us believe in the 3 Cs.
You did not Cause it
You cannot Cure it
You cannot Control it.
What you can do is get help for you and your children.
It concerns me when you mention "wouldn't let her have our children there."
If she is in active addiction, she shouldn't be on her own with your children.
Keep posting and reading here and you will learn more and be able to make decisions that will lead you to a better place.
Sorry you are going through this but boy did you come to the right place. It's been a great help to me and I hope that it will be for you as well.
Peace and Prayers,
Hanna
You will start learning that most of us believe in the 3 Cs.
You did not Cause it
You cannot Cure it
You cannot Control it.
What you can do is get help for you and your children.
It concerns me when you mention "wouldn't let her have our children there."
If she is in active addiction, she shouldn't be on her own with your children.
Keep posting and reading here and you will learn more and be able to make decisions that will lead you to a better place.
Sorry you are going through this but boy did you come to the right place. It's been a great help to me and I hope that it will be for you as well.
Peace and Prayers,
Hanna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Erie
Posts: 3
I feel our children are the only thing that is motivating her to get clean. I know I should just move out with them but right now we are all she has and I'm afraid of what she may do if I make that decision. I know none of this is my fault but I also know she was a great mom and I hate to think of them losing her and of course I don't want to lose her.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by michaeln 
I feel our children are the only thing that is motivating her to get clean. I know I should just move out with them but right now we are all she has and I'm afraid of what she may do if I make that decision. I know none of this is my fault but I also know she was a great mom and I hate to think of them losing her and of course I don't want to lose her.
You may want to read the effects of addiction on children. IMO, children are not a motivator to stay or get clean. If they were, she would be.
Drugs will scream louder then any child's voice or cries. It's a very sad reality.
There is saying....whatever a person puts before their recovery, they will lose. Sorry, I don't by her reasons for not wanting to stay in rehab.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
You are a trooper of a husband; there is no doubt about that. However, I hope you find peace soon, so that you are able to take the time to care for "yourself". It is difficult to turn the focus away from the addict, but sometimes that is what you have to do in order to live the rest of your life happy and healthy. Be happy...and whatever it is that you need to do to get to "your happy place"...then please do that for yourself. If you don't I fear you will spiral right down with your addict...and do you deserve that? Your post is all so full of "she", "she" and "she". What about YOU...how do you feel? How are you doing emotionally? I think it's time you focused on YOU. Take care of yourself. Be well - Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by michaeln
My wife decided to end our relationship in June of last year. By July she was addicted to heroin. I have done whatever I could do to help support her. She went to detox/inpatient in September and was clean until the end of November. She has been using but trying to stop since then. She moved out in January and stayed at a motel for 2 months until I told her I could no longer afford it. She tried staying at her mom's house but her mom's husband wouldn't let her have our children there. She moved back into our house late February/Early March. I got her on board to try to go to rehab again but once we got to this facility she found out our children wouldn't be able to visit her for the 4-5 weeks should would be in there so she backed out. She no longer speaks to anyone on her side of the family, the only people in her life besides the children and I are people that she uses with. She tries to go to meetings daily. She just started an outpatient program as well. I can just tell she wants to be clean but just doesn't have the confidence that she can do it. I try to stay positive and support her but it's very difficult to keep my emotions out of it. I'm trying to figure out what I can do for myself that will make it easier to relate to her struggles and help her gain that confidence she needs. Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.
I know there are differing views on support/helping. I however do believe people are motivated by their desire to be part of a famliy stucture, to be a loving mother, a loving wife. It all goes to what they want for their life and their future. I feel most people need hope, and they need to envision life after addiction. When my husband was in rehab, my son was only an infant. I didnt have to worry about the confusion for him or anything so understand my situation may have been a bit different. But my husband needed to see his son, he needed to watch him growing, and in his case he was motivated because he wanted to get clean, and become a good example for his son, to be a active father in his life.
Obvisouly in rehab he was supervised. When he came home from rehab he had an active role, but I did have boundaries in place to protect my son until I was certain he could handle any situation (emotionally) and I knew he was on track with his recovery (no drugs).
I know its hard to find balance, but it is something we each have to do in our own way. what works best for us personally, and our family situation.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Ahhh, the Ego. As many have learned to understand....codependency is the disease of our own egos.
If our egos take credit for "helping" then are we ready to take responsibility for someone failing (relapsing)? You can't have one without the other!
If our egos take credit for "helping" then are we ready to take responsibility for someone failing (relapsing)? You can't have one without the other!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by allforcnm
It sounds to me like your wife is doing the right things with outpatient and then adding group support. I was wondering if she has an underlying issues that might need to be adressed. If so, private therapy might help her gain confidence, help her deal with depression, low self esteem, or other things that may have initiated her drug use long ago. I also used private therapy to help me. My husbands rehab assigned me a therapist actually, and she was a great help in listening to me, helping me resolve past issues, thinking clearly about my husbands situation, and also helping me make choices on the future. If you have this option, this would be my suggestion.
I know there are differing views on support/helping. I however do believe people are motivated by their desire to be part of a famliy stucture, to be a loving mother, a loving wife. It all goes to what they want for their life and their future. I feel most people need hope, and they need to envision life after addiction. When my husband was in rehab, my son was only an infant. I didnt have to worry about the confusion for him or anything so understand my situation may have been a bit different. But my husband needed to see his son, he needed to watch him growing, and in his case he was motivated because he wanted to get clean, and become a good example for his son, to be a active father in his life.
Obvisouly in rehab he was supervised. When he came home from rehab he had an active role, but I did have boundaries in place to protect my son until I was certain he could handle any situation (emotionally) and I knew he was on track with his recovery (no drugs).
I know its hard to find balance, but it is something we each have to do in our own way. what works best for us personally, and our family situation.
I know there are differing views on support/helping. I however do believe people are motivated by their desire to be part of a famliy stucture, to be a loving mother, a loving wife. It all goes to what they want for their life and their future. I feel most people need hope, and they need to envision life after addiction. When my husband was in rehab, my son was only an infant. I didnt have to worry about the confusion for him or anything so understand my situation may have been a bit different. But my husband needed to see his son, he needed to watch him growing, and in his case he was motivated because he wanted to get clean, and become a good example for his son, to be a active father in his life.
Obvisouly in rehab he was supervised. When he came home from rehab he had an active role, but I did have boundaries in place to protect my son until I was certain he could handle any situation (emotionally) and I knew he was on track with his recovery (no drugs).
I know its hard to find balance, but it is something we each have to do in our own way. what works best for us personally, and our family situation.
"Behavioral therapies—including individual, family, or group counseling—are the most commonly used forms of drug abuse treatment. Behavioral therapies vary in their focus and may involve addressing a patient’s motivation to change, providing incentives for abstinence, building skills to resist drug use, replacing drug-using activities with constructive and rewarding activities, improving problem-solving skills, and facilitating better interpersonal relationships. Also, participation in group therapy and other peer support programs during and following treatment can help maintain abstinence."
"Treatment does not need to be voluntary to be effective. Sanctions or enticements from family, employment settings, and/or the criminal justice system can significantly increase treatment entry, retention rates, and the ultimate success of drug treatment interventions."
Principles of Effective Treatment | National Institute on Drug Abuse
"Recovery is supported by peers and allies.
A common denominator in the recovery process is the presence and involvement of people who contribute hope and support and suggest strategies and resources for change. Peers, as well as family members and other allies, form vital support networks for people in recovery. Providing service to others and experiencing mutual healing help create a community of support among those in recovery."
http://partnersforrecovery.samhsa.go...ts_handout.pdf
People Recovering from Addiction Testimonials SAMHSA - SAMHSA News, September/October 2008, Volume 16, Number 5
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
dear michaeln, PLEASE don't put the children in the spot of being what keeps her clean!!! that's not a child's job, nor should children ever be left in the care of drug addicts. get them home with you. and let their MOTHER figure this out for herself without any further damage being done to the children. they don't need to be dragged around all over hell's half acre. if you and the kids were all it took, she'd be well on the road to recovery right now.
she's not ready. yet. overcoming addiction isn't a confidence thing. it's a DO or DIE thing. until she takes it THAT seriously, what you see is what you will get.
she's not ready. yet. overcoming addiction isn't a confidence thing. it's a DO or DIE thing. until she takes it THAT seriously, what you see is what you will get.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Erie
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your responses. I know what I have to do as much as it hurts to make that move. If she still speaks to me what can or should I do to help support her efforts? Should I keep my distance as well? It's so hard, she's the love of my life, my best friend.
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