Can alanon meeting help me?

Old 04-11-2013, 06:52 AM
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Can alanon meeting help me?

There are no naranon meetings in my area and I am in disparate need of support in person.. I really need to talk to spouses of drug addicts not alcohics.
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Old 04-11-2013, 07:33 AM
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Try it out. You may find other spouses of drug addicts there. Each meeting I have been to is very different, so it's hard to say universally whether you are going to get what you need. It's pretty common for people to be both alcoholics and addicts though, so not unlikely that you can meet some people in your shoes.

I also think there might be a way to find other spouses in your area and create your own group. I'd start by going to some al-anon meetings and asking if they know anyone that would be interested in nar-anon. If you go to church, ask your pastor. Are there NA meetings in your area?

Also, are you sure there are no Nar-Anon meetings around there? How did you check it out? The stuff online is not updated in my area, so I think there are meetings but they are not listed. If I wanted a meeting I'd start by calling the places where NA meetings are held, and asking if there are any resources for friends and family.
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Old 04-11-2013, 08:03 AM
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My son is an addict, and I find AlAnon very helpful.. The disease of addiction, and the chaos it creates in families, crosses over the "substance of choice>" Most drug addicts are cross-addicted to alcohol.
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Old 04-11-2013, 08:20 AM
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Sweetie it does not matter if their spouses or significant others are alcoholics or addicts, the way you 'feel' and the 'hell' you have been living in is the SAME.

We usually suggest Narnon OR Alanon because many times an area will have lots of Alanon meetings at different times to be more compliant with fitting into a person's schedule.

The purpose of both groups is to show you how to work on you, how to set your own personal boundaries, how to 'say what you mean, mean what you say, and not say it meanly.'

One of the first things you will learn is what we call the 3 C's:

You didnt't Cause this.

You can't Control this.

You can't Cure this.

Either group can help you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-11-2013, 09:00 AM
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dreamer26 posted another thread about her sister and another friend, both married to alcoholics, having completely different experiences and thus not finding the support she needs from them.

I think that may be more of a function of the relationships between dreamer and these folks, and also the difference in the way the disease progresses.

But I do think it can be very helpful to find spouses who have the same Drug of Choice. It seems like that has a play in how we family members experience addiction. ie; cocaine addict behavior and the surrounding issues created seems very different to me than IV drug user behavior, at least until the coke addict becomes an IV drug user. Example: When one of my brothers only smoked pot he was not nearly as hostile as he has become since picking up other substances. The chaos is different.

But also think people having dealt with addiction for longer periods of time have more insight and understanding into the experiences that we all have in common.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:51 PM
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I have been going to Al Anon for 2 months and my husband is not an alcoholic. He's an addict who sometimes mixes his pills with alcohol.

I have found it HUGELY helpful. And there are other people in my meetings that have addict spouses or children too.

We will be best off looking for SIMILARITIES amongst us and the others in the groups, rather than the differences. Our minds's tendency to say "these people are not like me" is the kind of thinking that can prevent us from getting support and help.

So try to keep an open mind and give the Al Anon meeting a try. Where they talk about "alcoholics" or "alcohol" you can interchange "addict" and "drugs" in your mind as needed.
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Old 04-12-2013, 06:46 AM
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I cannot see a dime's worth of difference.

But then again, Mrs. Hammer had/has issues with Alcohol, AND Drugs, AND Cutting, AND Eating Disorders . . . .

At any rate, in darker moments I just replace the "Alcohol" part of the words with "Addict" . . . or sometimes . . . "@sshole."

All works about the same.

===========

But back to the starting title question.

Oh Hell, Yes!

Get your butt going and quit trying to find silly excuses not to.

GO.
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Old 04-12-2013, 01:47 PM
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Hammer I guess the difference is the way it effects your daily life.. The fact that drugs are illegal.. I did go to my doctor today and she told me alanon.. And she gave me a number to a therapist that deals specifically with families of substance abusers so I feel a lot more positive
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Old 04-12-2013, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by dreamer26 View Post
Hammer I guess the difference is the way it effects your daily life.. The fact that drugs are illegal.. I did go to my doctor today and she told me alanon.. And she gave me a number to a therapist that deals specifically with families of substance abusers so I feel a lot more positive
Then during prohibition I suppose they would have been the same?

Look not trying to dog you at all. I follow you do not want to go. Big deal. Go Anyway. An Addict does not want to stop. In the end, they have to stop, anyway.

Effects on the family life (our side of the street, right?), is a mess either way. DWI, night in jail. Drugging -- Busted with [insert drug of choice], etc. etc.

Even the totally legal addictions are mess for the family. Eating Disorder. Cutting/Self-Injury, on and on.

Alanon is for and about YOU. Not the addict/alky/flavor-of-the-month addiction.
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Old 04-12-2013, 02:08 PM
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Just my experience. I'm a recovering crack addict. My stepmom is addicted to pills..anything that will make her numb; other family members addicted to varying substances.

Went to al-anon as I was not doing well with all the dysfunction around me. I spoke to someone at the meeting (after the meeting) about why I was there, and was I still welcome when "my" A's are addicted to drugs.

He laughed, gave me a hug and said "sure...I'm here because my son is addicted to crack". The substance was never mentioned, the behavior (on both sides) was.

I understand about drugs being illegal, but my stepmom gets her's legally from her doctors.

I do hope you find a good supportive group.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 04-12-2013, 02:35 PM
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Hammer dont worry I'm not taking offense and I think a part of me has a little danial left in me like "he's not like that".. My Fiancé has never gone to jail for his use and has had enough money through his job to keep up his habits.. He's a functioning addict until he started freebasing coke.. (I guess it's considered crack).. He used that for only a month and his health was on serious decline mentally and physically. I DO want to go to a meeting but have issues with crying.. I'm a weepy person and know ill cry or something and get embarrassed.. I'm going to go to a meeting soon though!
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Old 04-12-2013, 05:26 PM
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Dreamer- I cried for much of 5 days straight during Friends and Family program at my Brother's rehab. In addition to what was going on with my brother, I got word that the man I loved had died DUI the morning the program was starting. I felt guilty about even being there, that I might detract from the program.

I am glad I stayed. People were so compassionate. Everyone knows the pain, and feels it too. I was able to contribute and that program helped me immensely.
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Old 04-12-2013, 08:06 PM
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I cried at my first several meetings too and I cried at tonight's meeting also. Most meetings have plenty of tissue on hand. They are used to crying because they have all done it too over stuff with their alcoholic/addict loved one.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Old 04-12-2013, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
I cannot see a dime's worth of difference.

But then again, Mrs. Hammer had/has issues with Alcohol, AND Drugs, AND Cutting, AND Eating Disorders . . . .

At any rate, in darker moments I just replace the "Alcohol" part of the words with "Addict" . . . or sometimes . . . "@sshole."

All works about the same.

===========

But back to the starting title question.

Oh Hell, Yes!

Get your butt going and quit trying to find silly excuses not to.

GO.
Oh wow! Maybe your wife and I were cloned she sounds just like me
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Old 04-13-2013, 01:15 AM
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One day I was following an other Alanon member to her home so our daughters could play together. There was a car crash on the highway and we were stopped for a few minutes.Later she told me "I was afraid it was my (alcoholic) mom"(in the crash). I had been scared it was my daugther's dad who is a heroin addict.

There is help for both of us in Alanon and as time goes by I think less and less about the fact that it is for families of alcoholics. When I started attending it did bother me.I didn't know if I belonged. I wanted to be able to say "my boyfriend is a drug addict" I had been spending so much time covering it up I just needed to let it out. Tell people. Free myself from my terrible secret. I didn't want to pretend he was an alcoholic or be vague about it.
After my 1st Alanon meeting a lady asked me "how often does your husband drink?".It made me feel very uncomfortable, my heroin addict boyfriend used every single day of course.

Now I love my Alanon meetings. I don't even think about the fact that it is for families and friends of alcoholics anymore. I go to work on myself. Heal myself.
I think a lot of people there think of drug use as a worsening of the disease of alcoholism.

I only went to one Naranon meeting and there was only 2 persons other than me that day. Very nice people but I didn't feel like it brought me the peace my Alanon meetings bring me.not because it's a bad program but it was such a small meeting. I also much prefer the Alanon literature which I recommend, starting with "how alanon works for families and friends of alcoholics".
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Old 04-13-2013, 02:14 PM
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I live in a large city (4 million) and there is only 1 Nar-Anon meeting once a week in the city centre where I live (others in the suburbs and harder to get to).

I called the number for Al-Anon and asked about going to an Al-Anon meeting - there are lots of them, several each day.

The volunteer woman I spoke to said, "Oh no, Al-Anon is just for families of alcoholics. We don't have anything to do with drugs. You should find an appropriate Nar-Anon group."

It was so black and white, it was a real turn-off to even continuing to search. The categorical dismissal didn't give me a very positive impression of what I'd encounter.
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Old 04-13-2013, 02:45 PM
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FirstLight I would try an Alanon meeting anyway if I was you.
That's kind of funny to me that some alcoholics or family of alcoholics think they are so
above addicts or family of addicts.
My ex used to go to some AA meetings. In one of them I know it wasn't acceptable to
mention drugs. The alcoholics thought the druggies were so below them.
Violence, loud screaming matches, drunk driving??? that makes my addict ex sound
good!
He is just a very mellow/lazy guy.
Despite the differences it's all the same.
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Old 04-16-2013, 05:30 PM
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Originally Posted by dreamer26 View Post
Hammer dont worry I'm not taking offense and I think a part of me has a little danial left in me like "he's not like that".. My Fiancé has never gone to jail for his use and has had enough money through his job to keep up his habits.. He's a functioning addict until he started freebasing coke.. (I guess it's considered crack).. He used that for only a month and his health was on serious decline mentally and physically. I DO want to go to a meeting but have issues with crying.. I'm a weepy person and know ill cry or something and get embarrassed.. I'm going to go to a meeting soon though!
Thanks. No offense intended, just figured you were working down your excuse list. If you think about that, it may give you (and me) a little compassion for the (ok, OUR) addicts. We just want to find reasons to duck crying in public. Look how much more they are having to duck.

About the crying. Yeah. We all do. Yes, ALL of us. Think that sucks for you? Consider that I am a 6 foot, 180 lbs, former Combat Arms officer, Advanced degrees, construction engineer . . . . and every time I start getting real and get peanut butter mouth and start sob-talking and my voice starts getting real high . . . and I Cannot Control any of it . . . and then all the Al-a-nannies start circling around with the tissues. I hate the God Damn tissues. Let me have a scrap of dignity and wipe the snot on my arm/sleeve . . . .

It sucks. It really does. Being made into a p000y in front of a bunch of women. Because of another stupid addict woman. I really hate being a p000y.

Everybody cries at least one time or another. And then you hear the funking drunks next door in the AA room are laughing about their latest drunk-a-log. Well overall, a lot to Hate and a lot to Resent.

Some cry the first meeting and start getting better quick. Some try to do the frozen smile on the face and the longest I have seen that work is maybe two months -- tops. They all wind up sobbing, too. And then start getting better.

So get it over it, Sister. Go suck it up. Cry. Blow your nose when they hand you the tissues. It makes the Al-a-nannies all feel better rescuing you or something.

Anyway . . . one last time . . .

GO.
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