Angelscry

My AH relapsed on the 19th of March and claims that he has not used since. I am unable to tell if he is speaking the truth or not. The last two weeks he was very very moody. He just wanted to stay indoors, he was sleeping and eating and he is not friends with his old using buddies anymore. I dont know if he is just putting on a show for me. When he sees one of his old buddies he will literally cross the road and walk on the other side to avoid them. He comes home straight from work yesterday he seemed calmer. He has lost allot of weight and has had an upset stomach since friday that only settled on Monday. He has not been drinking any alcohol.
I don't know if I can trust him, I want to but every time I trusted him it ended up in me being dissapointed because he would be using.How do you start trusting again, and how do you know if an addict is serious about recovery?

incitingsilence

There is no clear answer to this question and there shouldn’t be because what he does is what he does.
What you need him to do or how you need him to be for you, is something different….
And the most important questions you need to ask yourself is what can I do for me, what will ensure my safety and the safety of my child.

I read your other posts, I got a bit stuck at the point where he almost killed you.

Methamphetamine is a highly volatile and unpredictable drug. From not using to using can change real quick and not allow those around time to get themselves to safety.

So maybe from here things should shift to this questions what is worth the risk…Is love worth the risk, is saving the past, what was (that isn’t true anyway because the past is part of who they are and the problem as well), worth it.

Not for anything all he has proven to this point is that he will go back out and use…and he is white knuckling it or so it seems. Does he do anything at all, or has he sought out any help at all for him, his addiction, counseling, meetings….

I suggest you really keep the focus on you and what you need. Find some help for you, counseling, meetings and get educated as well on codependency, enabling, addiction…

It is hard for me to write in terms of methamphetamine. I know this drug and how fast it can go bad in ones head from the using side. And I will still swear no matter what anyone says, what anyone told me in it that everything I felt was real and everything I saw was real and I loved every sick sorted moment in the insanity.

Angelscry

Thanks Inciting silence for writing even though it was hard for you, I really appreciate it. You are right about Meth and its effects on all including the addict. When he first started using Meth he sort of became mentally unstable not to be rude but he was out of his mind. One night we were arguing over money that I really did not have and he held a knife against my throat and threatened to kill me. I fled to a friend’s place and we were separated for a couple of months during which his mother passed away and he went to Rehab. I also got a protection order that he knows I will use if he ever tries to hurt me again. Any way he is not going to any NA meetings but we are attending marriage counseling once a month, that he suggested and he does attend. But still that does not put me at ease at all. I have read up and am still researching codependency etc. And will try to get to some meetings though my first experience at a Alanon meeting was not so great I thought of looking for a meeting at another location. You confirmed how I feel, I also felt that he has just proven that he can go and use and not that he can really stay sober and work hard at staying sober. I want to help him but as I understand there’s a fine line between helping and enabling so I am very careful. Im still learning to focus more on Me without feeling guilty. At the moment I try to focus on the kids they need me more than he does.

Well done for quitting Meth and thanks again for your insights.

shinebright7

I don't have experience with meth users, but I can totally relate to your questions about how do we trust again.

I found that as I tried to rebuild trust with my husband, it was still loaded with expectation. That I was not going to be able to feel good (and have that trust again) unless he did things the way I wanted him to.

Rebuilding trust seemed to be what I wanted, but when I tried to do that, it just got me more frustrated.

I realized eventually, as I got into the first 3 steps in Al Anon, that I do not need to rebuild trust with my husband. As long as he is an addict and is not working a strong recovery program, he will be likely to use again. So I am not going to put my trust in him not using again.

What I DO need is to rebuild and strengthen my trust in my Higher Power.

My Higher Power is reliable and strong and stable.

Those are not things I can count on my husband for right now -- and I've come to be okay with that. I don't need to trust him not to use. I don't need to try to get him to promise me things. There are so many times when his words have not meant what he said, so they don't have a lot of validity.

People here told me to pay attention to actions, not words when I got to SR.

My husband's words, as an addict, are not reliable. He lies, and hides, and manipulates, and all of that. It's what addicts do.

So as I detach with love, I find myself taking what he says less personally. If he says something and he does it, great. If he says something and he doesn't do it, I'm not going to get all worked up about it anymore.

I will have my boundaries and if something he does or doesn't do affects my boundaries, then I'll speak up. Otherwise, I am not going to call him on his lack of follow through or any of it.

Instead, I'm focusing on me and my relationship with my Higher Power. When I do that, I feel safer. I'd rather trust my Higher Power than my husband right now. And when I trust my Higher Power, I feel safe enough that I don't even need to be able to trust my husband to do or not do certain things. What he does is not relevant in a certain way. Sounds weird kinda because we are married and live together and all that, but there is a detachment with love thing that is growing in me and it's so much nicer than I would have imagined it to be!

I have had my obsessive moments still where I wonder if he is using or why he is out later than I expected...and then I just come back to how I can not CAUSE, CURE, or CONTROL him or his using. Pointless to even think about it.

Much better for me to focus on me and how I am doing and for me to take care of whatever little serenity I have found -- nurturing it like a little flower bud and not being willing to let something trample on it, or for me to expose it to something potentially harmful like me expecting something. Expectations are just a huge set up and I'm trying not to play with them anymore. xo

AnvilheadII

wouldn't it be nice if there were two dots on their foreheads and once would glow BRIGHT GREEN when they were clean and flash RED when they were using???

EnglishGarden

I have never lived with a drug addict. I was married for two years to a severe alcoholic and there was never any doubt about his intoxication. His eyes were glassy, he slurred, he stumbled. When an alcoholic takes that first drink, he doesn't moderate. He doesn't stop at a couple of drinks. He can't control how much he drinks. The one I was married to became very drunk and it was always obvious and I always knew when he was out of his mind.

I just can't imagine living with someone and not knowing whether, when I revealed my deep feelings, or made love, or asked an important question vital to me and to the relationship....whether a drugged individual was talking to me or not. At least with the alcoholic, I always knew when he cut the cord between him and me.

I am sorry for your fears. I hope you will not stay too long with someone you do not really know. Try to stick with people in recovery so you can find your way and your answers eventually.

choner11

Thank You shinebright7 very much. I need to follow your words of wisdom. Thank u thank u!!

horriblethisis

I think you just invented something!!!!

incitingsilence

Again it is as simple as just a few words, knife to throat…

How do you trust he just won’t snap one day unable to cope with life that is always on it‘s terms and unpredictable it its own way?

And you don’t have to worry about being rude, out of his mind was probably an understatement. Can I tell you that you are not equipped to handle him is a state where he is either high, coming down or craving. No one is, there is no way to talk someone out of their mind down. Even others who get it, know this is not a good situation for anyone to be in.

Also re read everything you have written to see if your own words can help you as well.

I would advise having a plan A, plan B a stash of cash if you can, and I am big on secrets, so keep your plans to yourself. One should be where you have a set list of signs in your head that mean LEAVE NOW. You don’t pack, you don’t look for keys, you just get out right away, even if running out means barefoot into the snow. I know you have enough knowledge and lived enough to know when to not engage, but not engaging can be worse at times to someone out of their mind. Again it goes back to not being able to predict reactions.

No one here can begin to tell you what will be either way. I have an abundance of faith that everyone can be clean and find life again, but that doesn’t mean I will not have strong boundaries that protect me first and foremost.

So if you are going to hang around then you have to equip yourself with tools of you own. Ones to cope and not live in the fear of relapse and always be checking for a high, or riding the high and lows of his moods. And ones in which your safety is first and foremost. Trust yourself as well if something feels off pay attention cause it usually is.

Stay safe…