FaithNhope12

I haven't been on here in a while but things were going pretty good. My husband who is supposed to be a recovering addicted had gone on suboxone and tried to stop and get clean for the last time.. Well he went out with friends who use who he had not seen in a while and I knew it was a bad idea. He came home horrible and hasn't stopped for the last 4 days. Last night I saw him doing what I think was heroin which he swore up and down wasn't. So this morning I drove him to work because he has no car, which he was incoherent and telling me he just didn't feel good, but I DIDN'T pick him up! I told him not to come back home as we have small children and I cannot have an addict around them. It was the last straw for me... He was doing ok and then went really really bad. Worse then ever and yet I feel guilty! When he was so mean and abusive to me while using! Was I right in what I did? I just am so hurt thinking he may be taking heroin and I just don't get how someone I loved so deeply turned into this person. I just want him back but don't know how to get him there.
Please help!!!:

wicked

dtrim, I want to give you support and tell you that yes, this is the right thing to do.
He is using again, and you cannot allow him to suck your oxygen when you need it for yourself and your children.

dtrim, have you been to any alanon meetings? Read Codependent No More?
Please take care of yourself first. You cannot get him anywhere. He has to get there himself. That is the only way.

I am glad you are here dtrim. You will get support and guidance here to get you where you need to be.

Beth

RDBplus3

dtrim,
You have the right to protect yourself and your children from being subjected to an active drug user. When he returns, turn him away if he is using, and tell him you will not talk to him unless he is clean and sober. If he is clean and sober, tell him he must choose to stay away if he is going to do the drugs, or choose to stay at home if he is willing to remain clean and sober. AA, treatment program, or self-recovery with AVRT.

Be sure he knows he must make the choice, but only when he is clean and sober. Addiction is terrible, and certainly not something to subject children to, or to let yourself be a victim of. You are absolutely in the right to insist on the course of action you have taken.

I know...I did the same to my family until I had to make the decision to get free from my addiction.

RDB...the plus3 are my wife and kids

FaithNhope12

Thank you. He came home and got in through the window. He took my money and keys and drove off in the only car I have to go to work. I'm freaking out. I don't want him here using none the less taking my car ****** up to get it!

cynical one

You always have an option of calling the police and filing charges for breaking and entering, theft, and car theft. It could save his life by bringing this run to an end sooner rather than later, plus it sends the message that breaking into your home and stealing from you is unacceptable.

FaithNhope12

Rdbplus3 what made you stop? And how did you make it work with ur wife? Even if he does get help I can't trust him. I don't want our family to be torn apart but with this addiction it is.

EnglishGarden

You are doing the right thing to put your children first. They are innocent, helpless, defenseless, and easily traumatized when they see adults out of control, especially if those adults are supposed to be the people who protect them.

They come first. If he's drugged, keep him away from them. Do what it takes. It's one thing to sacrifice your own health and welfare. But you can't sacrifice your children to your husband's obsession with drugs.

Do you have family and friends to stand by you? You need a strong support system. On your own, he will rule you.

Please stay on the right path. You and your children are worthy of a safe life.

Angelscry

Dear Dtrim

I am so sorry that you have to go through this and I hope things will get better for you soon.I think you did the right thing. In January I had to do the same and last month too. I locked my AH out of the house, he is not allowed to be with us when he is under the influence of Meth. He was so very upset, he also took my money and I went to the police, who tracked him down. They said that he could either repay the money or they will take him in. He chose to give my money back, and did I mention how angry he was, he could not ‘believe’ that I called the police on him. They need to understand that their actions will have consequences and that they will be held accountable. You are doing great putting the safety of your kids first, keep on doing that. Hopefully he will get the message that his behavior is unacceptable.I have learned that there is nothing we as the wives of the addict can do to get them back to the men they were before the addiction but we can hope and pray that they will find the strength in themselves to quit and to become better than the men they were. It is up to them to change, I learned that the hard way.

You are in my thoughts

RDBplus3

dtrim,

I stopped doing hard drugs a long time ago, but I continued with alcohol and progressed to the point where my selfish feeding of my addiction caused enough turmoil at home that my wife insisted I quit completely, or leave. I was so self-absorbed I thought she was being unreasonable. I started going to AA, and tried moderating for a while, on and off, but the addiction was in control of me.

It eventually led to a very bad incident, and I agreed to go into a 6 week outpatient treatment program. The ultimatum was that otherwise I was not welcome at home. During that time, I stayed completely clean, and the mental illusion of my addiction started to dissipate, and I could see just how much my addiction had been controlling me, how utterly slef-centered I had been, and how it had affected my wife & kids.

I read the AA books, and worked diligently at applying the info to my addiction. I found the AVRT website and did the Crash Course online. It was an eye-opener for me. I ordered and read the book, Rational Recovery, from the website. It explained that ‘I’ was responsible for my addiction, and that ‘I’ was responsible to get FREE from it. It also explained that my family had the RIGHT to insist I be a Clean & Sober member of the family, or that ‘I’ chose to follow my addiction, and LEAVE the house.

I finished my 6 weeks, and went back to full time work. I was doing quite well, I thought, but the Addictive thoughts and cravings convinced me that it would be ‘OK’ to have a drink. That led to more to drink, of course, and my wife could tell I had been drinking. I lied to her and my AA sponsor, but my Boss could tell I had been drinking and called my wife. I stopped immediately and went back into another 3 weeks of Treatment.

I went about another 6 weeks, then it happened again. I got caught immediately, and this time I didn’t lie. I stopped immediately and my wife and I met with my AA sponsor. I went to meetings and delved back into full-time plus work on getting free from my addiction. Thank God, my wife didn’t force me out of the house, but she would have had the right to. I felt like I was in Hell. By this time I fully realized my addiction was REAL. I remembered a video from Treatment that showed how the functions of the Brain get corrupted from drug & alcohol abuse, and how the brain continues to get affected through active addiction. That Video is available on YouTube, and is called ‘Pleasure Unwoven’. I watched it a couple times, and I highly recommend it. It showed me just how important it is to get completely free from inputting drugs & alcohol into the brain, and the time it takes to get to some semblance of ‘Normal’. It is not to be an excuse to ‘understand’ the addict and why they use, it underscores why the addict MUST remain completely abstinent.

Within about a week of my ‘Trip to Hell’, through intense work on my addiction, going to AA meetings, calling my sponsor and AA contacts, I was on a new level of existence. It is hard to explain, but what I had been hearing from others came true, the ‘Miracle’ happened. I still have recurring thoughts and cravings, after all I drank for 40 years, but now I can disassociate from them and recognize them as corrupted addiction-programming. It sometimes is still a struggle, but deep inside, ‘I’ KNOW that ‘I’ never want to go back to that Living Hell, and ‘I’ KNOW that all it will take is picking up just once.

My wife is still skeptical, and probably will be for a long time, maybe a long, long time. I have to accept my responsibility for that. I am grateful she was insistent and unwaivering, however she did give me the chances to make the right decisions.

Your situation may be different. My wife had talked to a lawyer, and was fully ready to act if necessary. You CANNOT let you or your family be victimized by your husband’s addiction. He cannot control it, so you certainly cannot. Also, trying to Love and Hug a rabid dog to save it only gets you sick, damaged or dead. Addiction is like that.

I hope the best for you and your children dtrim, and also for your husband. Pray about your situation. God is not a Magic Genie, but prayer does help bring perspective, and sometimes a 'Miracle' will happen.

RDBplus3.