gforecoveringca

Well its been almost a year and a half since I have been on here. And so many things have changed. I left my abf for a year. That hear was so eventful. I believe me trying to fill that void in me made his lifestyle look calm lol. Don't get me wrong no drug use went on with this little mama but sure wasn't calm. I got back with my and in January of this year of course. After he got out of jail for dus 3 and breech of trust. I really thought he had changed BC he is a great guy. I never quit speaking to him the longest I went wo had im was a month. I know he has sliped a few times and I know that is to be expected at least once but it has happened several times and I can't help but to believe that he is going to get bad again. I love him but its crazy how love grows apart. I am becoming unattracted to him which makes me feel bad BC my weight never bothered himand I was big! I don't want to be WO him and yet again I can't seem to see us together. I think this is just my way of emotionally disconnecting myself subconsciously. I have walked in on him once found money missing before he was able to replace it, and I know of at least one other time in a course of three months. I called him private tonight to see if he was awake since he.told me he was going to bed almost two hours before that. He answered and was awake although I didn't say anything. So.....any thoughts?

Ann

It's good to see you again, but I don't hear anything here about how YOU are...that should tell you something.

He's back to active addiction and stealing and lying, I understand why you are feeling unattracted to him.

Sweetie, it's time to let go and take care of you. He has nothing to give and will take and take until you say "enough".

Think of your future, is this what you want 5 years from now? Ten?

You are worth so much better than this and all you have to do is say "enough" and mean it. You can't save him, he doesn't want saving. But you can save yourself. Please do that before you sink with him.

Hugs

Hanna

Welcome Back.

My thought is, you just aren't done yet. You know what to expect from a relationship with an addict. You aren't ready to give up pursuing that life despite the pain. And that is okay.

What is your goal with him? For yourself and your future? Do you want a healthy relationship or are you okay with what he has shown you a relationship with him looks like?

In this kind of situation I like Dr. Laura's rather harsh yet practical advice. When a woman indicates she is going to continue to be involved with a guy that is obviously bad news, she suggest getting tubes tied. We all have a right to choose to live in turmoil, chaos and pain. But bringing a child into this situation with a father that has shown no ability to be a parent would be incredibly unfair.

We all know how it almost always ends when someone dates an active addict. Plenty of threads around here to show anyone what can expect from dating an addict if your own past experience isn't enough.

It is tough for me to read about because I spent many years in a relationship that was not good for me. Also because my qualifiers here are relatives and while I could disown them or just remove myself, I can't move on and get a new brother, either. You have the option to leave and find someone with whom you can have a healthy relationship.

As for the private phone call , in my opinion it is manipulative. If I found out someone was checking up on me would be a very disturbing thing. It may also be codependent, but plenty of just plain jealous people do this stuff as well. There is obviously no trust left.

My advice is to work in you, stick around here an keep reading and posting. Figure out why you don't want more than this for yourself. You deserve better.

Peace,
Hanna

gforecoveringca

@Hanna you are absolutely right. I agree with everything both of yall have said. Basically I'm waiting until summer vacation. It so close to the end of the school year and my soon is finally improving since his daddy has been home. It is not bad at the moment, he dissent disappear or steal at the moment he is helping more than hurting us, but I also know it will get to stealing and so forth. I don't fuss or yell he is a grown man he has to deal with his actions. My baby is I in kindergarten and is having a lot of trouble so as long as it does not hurt more than help I'm hoping it can hold off for 8 more weeks. Me and my boys deserve the best and he has proved that he can't quit. So although I will never completely let go I have to do what's best for our boys.

Hanna

I'm so sorry I didn't realize you already have kiddos with him. I would not have written that and it makes you family, in my opinion. Not so easy to just walk away, I know. (Not that it is ever easy).

Like Ann says, how are you? Are you getting help?

((Hugs))

You do deserve better.

gforecoveringca

@Hanna thank you.yes mam we have two boys. I have had my tubes removed to tho lol. Its ok, not offended. I never let my wall down completely so I'm not hurt. I realize he has a problem that doesn't mean he doesn't love us but that don't mean we are going to suffer either. I'm more worried about our oldest son. He will always be a part of me even my best friend but I refuse to live that life. For now I'm ok but I do still have 8 weeks before I plan on acting on it unless things get bad. I'm playing dumb so I see what his choices are. I have caught him 3 times that he admits so the issue has been discussed and I now know his decision! I appreciate the love cause we can all use it