NC - waking up slowly but emotion in mess :(
IsItAlright
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
NC - waking up slowly but emotion in mess :(
I'm waking up slowly after reading here everyday.
I got the clear picture of the past 7 months since me and alcoholic cocaine addicted bf got back together. It was me who chose to believe that everything got better and ignore all the fact. It didn't get better. It can't be changed. It's actually worse than the first round of relationship regarding his addiction, even though he did try to spend more time with me and we had 2 nice trips together.
1st round of relationship, he claimed that he wanted a fresh start. He knew his issue and he knew all about the aa and higher power but he claimed that he didn't believe it and he could do it by himself. He tried a few attempts to stop drinking as he told me that alcohol and covaine goes hand in hand. He would count from day 1 and take it 1 day at a time.... Tho he always failed on the 6th day max.
2nd round of relationship. We got back together. He said he changed a lot. But later, he told me that many ppl snort cocaine till old without issue. He could still wake up and work next day. I was the one who gone crazy. He called dealer in front of me and said that he could show me its ok to snort cocaine. His druggie fren moved into the house. I found empty cocaine bags at home from time to time. He and his druggie flatmate emotionally abused me by talking about cocaine opening in front of me. He was out drinking till morning at least 4 nites a week. I thought it was better than the first round?! And I thought his crazy binge of cocaine in mid March as relapse... And comforted him that its ok that he relapsed as long as he try to avoid it next time... Gosh. Relapse?! What's wrong with me. He never stopped.... I read here... Relapse means that they had been clean for a period of time like 3 mth, 6 mths.... And him? Not even a week,,, no, he's drinking.... So basically not even 3 days.
I wake up now... I just persuaded myself its ok coz the councilor told me that relationship may get even worse sometimes when the addict stop the fix coz they would be emotionally unstable... Then, I told myself to accept it as long as we are in love... But it didn't work in this way..,
My emotion is in chao now... Was better when I was in vacation last week. Now I'm back at home and just stay home everyday..
having annoying dreams of him at nite... Weather is depressing now
Please tell me I'm lucky to get out of this ****** relationship early... Coz as a matter of fact, it only get worse, not better... No matter how hard me and the addict try. (He claimed that he tried and he's not a bad bf. I'm the one being difficult and crazy. Imagine him as a horrible person making my life miserable)
I got the clear picture of the past 7 months since me and alcoholic cocaine addicted bf got back together. It was me who chose to believe that everything got better and ignore all the fact. It didn't get better. It can't be changed. It's actually worse than the first round of relationship regarding his addiction, even though he did try to spend more time with me and we had 2 nice trips together.
1st round of relationship, he claimed that he wanted a fresh start. He knew his issue and he knew all about the aa and higher power but he claimed that he didn't believe it and he could do it by himself. He tried a few attempts to stop drinking as he told me that alcohol and covaine goes hand in hand. He would count from day 1 and take it 1 day at a time.... Tho he always failed on the 6th day max.
2nd round of relationship. We got back together. He said he changed a lot. But later, he told me that many ppl snort cocaine till old without issue. He could still wake up and work next day. I was the one who gone crazy. He called dealer in front of me and said that he could show me its ok to snort cocaine. His druggie fren moved into the house. I found empty cocaine bags at home from time to time. He and his druggie flatmate emotionally abused me by talking about cocaine opening in front of me. He was out drinking till morning at least 4 nites a week. I thought it was better than the first round?! And I thought his crazy binge of cocaine in mid March as relapse... And comforted him that its ok that he relapsed as long as he try to avoid it next time... Gosh. Relapse?! What's wrong with me. He never stopped.... I read here... Relapse means that they had been clean for a period of time like 3 mth, 6 mths.... And him? Not even a week,,, no, he's drinking.... So basically not even 3 days.
I wake up now... I just persuaded myself its ok coz the councilor told me that relationship may get even worse sometimes when the addict stop the fix coz they would be emotionally unstable... Then, I told myself to accept it as long as we are in love... But it didn't work in this way..,
My emotion is in chao now... Was better when I was in vacation last week. Now I'm back at home and just stay home everyday..
having annoying dreams of him at nite... Weather is depressing now Please tell me I'm lucky to get out of this ****** relationship early... Coz as a matter of fact, it only get worse, not better... No matter how hard me and the addict try. (He claimed that he tried and he's not a bad bf. I'm the one being difficult and crazy. Imagine him as a horrible person making my life miserable)
IsItAlright
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Dear lord, pls help. Now I can't stop crying....
Recent days I have allergy and I'm taking the anti allergy pills doctor gave me. 4 times a day and it makes me so sleepy.... Whenever I stay to think or read sr, I started to fall into sleep....
Today, the pills are done... I'm not sleepy anymore but then I started to think and cry... Lord, I start to feel how easy to use chemical to avoid the emotion
I wish if I continue the pills so that I wouldn't be crying now
Recent days I have allergy and I'm taking the anti allergy pills doctor gave me. 4 times a day and it makes me so sleepy.... Whenever I stay to think or read sr, I started to fall into sleep....
Today, the pills are done... I'm not sleepy anymore but then I started to think and cry... Lord, I start to feel how easy to use chemical to avoid the emotion
I wish if I continue the pills so that I wouldn't be crying now
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: West Sussex
Posts: 37
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. We have all been through these hard times and I know only too well the feelings of despair. We are powerless over their addcitions, we can't fix them and we can't make them stop. Only they can do that and sadly many never do. Even once on the road to recovery it is a long and painful journey, my AH just relpased after 9 months sober. He has been too rehab twice ETC. Did you make the right decision ending you're relationship... well only you can answer that question but will you're life be better without addiction well anyone can answer that one... Of course it will. It will just take time for you to recover, living with our loved ones addiciton damages us emotionally but you will find support here in this forum. I wish you all the best. Take Care of yourself.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Dear sweet (((((Wing)))))
We too have been through the awful pain and the devastation. After the crying comes the 'beating one's self up' and the "why's". Oh man, the "why's".
Why couldn't he choose me over the alcohol and drugs?
Why me?
Why did I get involved with an addict?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Then once I got through the "whys" and started to understand that it did not matter if I got the answers, then and only then was I ready to work on ME. And in working on me I started to understand that I too was 'sick' on the inside, so I had attracted to me someone whose insides matched mine..
As I continued to work on me, I got better. I regained my self worth and self esteem, and I even started to walk differently, there seemed to be 'more spring' in my step. I also started to see to see that the 'new' folks I was meeting were much healthier than the friends I had had. WOW! It was true, when my insides got healthier I started to attract folks whose insides matched mine. And I don't mean just men, I mean men and women, that I could have 'friendships' with.
So (((((Wing))))) maybe try some Alanon and/or Naranon and how about some one on one therapy with a counselor that specializes in addiction. Keep posting here, of course, because we definitely are walking with you in spirit, and we so understand those feelings that right now seem to be overwhelming you.
you know, both my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor used to tell me "he is telling you and showing you who he is, BELIEVE HIM." Well sheesh if I do that, there goes my denial and my 'wish/dream' that with my help he can get better. Once I was able to 'ACCEPT' that he was the person he was showing me, it became just a tiny bit easier to 'back away'. Now that does not mean that I stopped loving him, it just meant that I finally understood, that HE WAS NOT GOOD FOR ME and could get me into a whole lot of trouble.
And even though both of my husbands are now gone, I still love them. I love the 'good' side of them and know that if they could have, they would have found recovery.
Remember, we are walking with you in spirit and are with you always!!!
Love and hugs,
We too have been through the awful pain and the devastation. After the crying comes the 'beating one's self up' and the "why's". Oh man, the "why's".
Why couldn't he choose me over the alcohol and drugs?
Why me?
Why did I get involved with an addict?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Then once I got through the "whys" and started to understand that it did not matter if I got the answers, then and only then was I ready to work on ME. And in working on me I started to understand that I too was 'sick' on the inside, so I had attracted to me someone whose insides matched mine..
As I continued to work on me, I got better. I regained my self worth and self esteem, and I even started to walk differently, there seemed to be 'more spring' in my step. I also started to see to see that the 'new' folks I was meeting were much healthier than the friends I had had. WOW! It was true, when my insides got healthier I started to attract folks whose insides matched mine. And I don't mean just men, I mean men and women, that I could have 'friendships' with.
So (((((Wing))))) maybe try some Alanon and/or Naranon and how about some one on one therapy with a counselor that specializes in addiction. Keep posting here, of course, because we definitely are walking with you in spirit, and we so understand those feelings that right now seem to be overwhelming you.
you know, both my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor used to tell me "he is telling you and showing you who he is, BELIEVE HIM." Well sheesh if I do that, there goes my denial and my 'wish/dream' that with my help he can get better. Once I was able to 'ACCEPT' that he was the person he was showing me, it became just a tiny bit easier to 'back away'. Now that does not mean that I stopped loving him, it just meant that I finally understood, that HE WAS NOT GOOD FOR ME and could get me into a whole lot of trouble.
And even though both of my husbands are now gone, I still love them. I love the 'good' side of them and know that if they could have, they would have found recovery.
Remember, we are walking with you in spirit and are with you always!!!
Love and hugs,
IsItAlright
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Dear Gollum,
Thanks for support. I read your threads. That's heart breaking.... I hope that u are feeling more peaceful now. I hope that u sort out your solution... I know what you meant. As u said, everybody said that my life could only be better without him and his addiction. I just need to deal with my emotion now.
I am so sad about the fact that he hurt me. The last words he said to me is 'darling u have issue! U need help!!!' Seriously?! All just my fault and not his addiction? But true... I'm seeking help... I have issue after the trauma
Hugs
Thanks for support. I read your threads. That's heart breaking.... I hope that u are feeling more peaceful now. I hope that u sort out your solution... I know what you meant. As u said, everybody said that my life could only be better without him and his addiction. I just need to deal with my emotion now.
I am so sad about the fact that he hurt me. The last words he said to me is 'darling u have issue! U need help!!!' Seriously?! All just my fault and not his addiction? But true... I'm seeking help... I have issue after the trauma
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
You may well have issues, you may well need to seek some help, it's a good idea.
Coming from him however it's laughable.
He is an addict, his life is out of control.
Honey, seek the help you need, take the time you need to heal, and move on.
We are here, we care!
Coming from him however it's laughable.
He is an addict, his life is out of control.
Honey, seek the help you need, take the time you need to heal, and move on.
We are here, we care!
IsItAlright
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Dear Laurie,
U know me really well. I keep asking WHY and I keep telling myself not. I really wanted to mail him and ask WHY he had to hurt me. WHY he thinks its all my fault but he has no issue. But, I learnt from sr that we cannot rationalize addicts.
I have been seeing counselor are drug addicts family and partner since last year. U can't believe that my exA even used this to attack me. he said that i was the one who have issue as I am seeing councelor! Jesus, how could he forget that I saw the councilor for his addiction?!!!
Weeks ago, my councelor has finally told me that from what she saw, exA could offer me nothing but pain. She asked me what for... It's not like he's offering me luxury life and I'm not these girls who has no motivation in life... I don't deserve a life like that...
I am just so broken as I have flashback of exA and his druggie frens devil faces and hurtful words towards me... And how he grabbed my neck and threw me into the wall in the end... How he could do that to me when he always said that he loved me
Today I read an article from budhasm -
when u say 'I love u'. You have to know:
'who you are'
'What is love, how to love'
As for ppl in addiction, they lost themselves and they don't even know how to love.
I remember several times when we fight. He yelled at me 'u try to control me? U don't even know who I am!' Its true....
U know me really well. I keep asking WHY and I keep telling myself not. I really wanted to mail him and ask WHY he had to hurt me. WHY he thinks its all my fault but he has no issue. But, I learnt from sr that we cannot rationalize addicts.
I have been seeing counselor are drug addicts family and partner since last year. U can't believe that my exA even used this to attack me. he said that i was the one who have issue as I am seeing councelor! Jesus, how could he forget that I saw the councilor for his addiction?!!!
Weeks ago, my councelor has finally told me that from what she saw, exA could offer me nothing but pain. She asked me what for... It's not like he's offering me luxury life and I'm not these girls who has no motivation in life... I don't deserve a life like that...
I am just so broken as I have flashback of exA and his druggie frens devil faces and hurtful words towards me... And how he grabbed my neck and threw me into the wall in the end... How he could do that to me when he always said that he loved me
Today I read an article from budhasm -
when u say 'I love u'. You have to know:
'who you are'
'What is love, how to love'
As for ppl in addiction, they lost themselves and they don't even know how to love.
I remember several times when we fight. He yelled at me 'u try to control me? U don't even know who I am!' Its true....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: West Sussex
Posts: 37
Hello Wing, thanks for taking the time to read my posts. Times are hard for me at the moment thats for sure, but I have been here before and know what steps to take to protect myself and my sanity!
My AH is verbally abusive too, I often felt truamatised by his nasty words but as I learned more about addiction I began to understand that his blaming me is just his survival mechanism, it's part of his denial. After all, if I am to blame he has nothing to address does he?
Try and let go of his nasty words, the truth is you were likely the best thing in his life and he has lost you. All he is left with is bitterness...
I am pleased to hear you are getting yourself some help, bit by bit you're happiness will return.
You are not to blame for any of this, addiction is insidious but your saving grace is addiction is his problem, not yours anymore. Take Care.
My AH is verbally abusive too, I often felt truamatised by his nasty words but as I learned more about addiction I began to understand that his blaming me is just his survival mechanism, it's part of his denial. After all, if I am to blame he has nothing to address does he?
Try and let go of his nasty words, the truth is you were likely the best thing in his life and he has lost you. All he is left with is bitterness...
I am pleased to hear you are getting yourself some help, bit by bit you're happiness will return.
You are not to blame for any of this, addiction is insidious but your saving grace is addiction is his problem, not yours anymore. Take Care.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Gollum, Katiekate and Laurie - thank you all for your posts!! There is some really great ESH in this thread - and it's just the kind of stuff I needed to remind myself of today.
(((HUGS))) Wing. Just hang in there and keep doing what you're doing and moving forward. And you hit the nail on the head with that quote about loving and how addicts simply are not capable of it. You're doing GREAT!!
(((HUGS))) Wing. Just hang in there and keep doing what you're doing and moving forward. And you hit the nail on the head with that quote about loving and how addicts simply are not capable of it. You're doing GREAT!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Wing
Sometimes we have to move through the tunnel of the dark days mourning the past before we can emerge on the other side to a place with more light.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through but your post makes me hopeful! I hope and pray that you will be able to take care of yourself in the very special way that we all need to do in order to be happy and emotionally happy.
The fog is clearing.....there is hope.....and you're moving toward it. Keep moving forward!
gentle hugs
ke
Sometimes we have to move through the tunnel of the dark days mourning the past before we can emerge on the other side to a place with more light.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through but your post makes me hopeful! I hope and pray that you will be able to take care of yourself in the very special way that we all need to do in order to be happy and emotionally happy.
The fog is clearing.....there is hope.....and you're moving toward it. Keep moving forward!
gentle hugs
ke
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