Jodie77

It's going on 6 weeks now that my xafiance told me it was best if I move out (and leave the ring). I didn't put up a fight.

I came here searching for answers. I was welcomed with so much love and insight (and a few bad seeds lol). I wanted to ask (please take it easy on me) how long does this take? I know there is no magical formula for the grieving process except denial, bargaining, shock, depression and acceptance (I might be 1 off). I've noticed that things have gotten worse before getting better and spending nearly 4 years with someone and their children makes it unrealistic to be fully healed after several weeks.

Although tonight I feel much better than I did this afternoon; I cried so hard I broke a blood vessel in my eye. Now I'm just starting to get angry over what I'm allowing him to do to me. We are NC (but he did send me a generic, mass-like Easter text last Sunday...I didn't respond. It was kind of insulting). At any rate, I'm doing everything you all have told me. I'm in Alanon 3 nights a week, an individual therapist, and I read Codependent No More and The Emotionally Abused Woman.

I'm taking all the steps but still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm continually obsessed with him. Please tell me it gets better and I'm not crazy....

shinebright7

You are doing great with taking care of YOU!

Have you gotten into working the steps with a sponsor in Al Anon yet? This can really help us take focus away from obsessive thoughts about him bc it gives us more stuff to focus on in our own recovery.

We can attend meetings passively or we can get more involved with them: getting a sponsor, working the steps with commitment, volunteering to chair a meeting (read from the notebook), offer to be the lead for a meeting, call people from the phone lists when we are obsessing...

You've got lots of support going -- so ask yourself: How can I go deeper? What's the next level for each of my support avenues?

Keep up the great work. My experience is that it definitely does get better. :-)

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Jodie77

Thank you. I don't have a sponsor yet but I'd like one. This has been tough...really, really painful. I find myself crying so hard while driving I have to pull over on the side of the road. I also don't want to do much but lay in bed. I dream about him constantly and continue to obsess. Is that just because it's only been 5 1/2 weeks? Is this normal to still be grieving? All my friends tell me to just get over it....

Kindeyes

You're grieving the end of a long term relationship that was headed toward marriage.....and it is going to take time. There's no telling how much time but you're doing all of the right things to work through the process as efficiently as possible. Cut yourself a little slack!!

I'm sorry your heart is hurting...that anguish is so pervasive. Sometimes I had to force myself to do something to get my mind to quit racing.....a movie.....coffee with a friend. Reading was hard for me because I found my mind wandering too easily.

Exercise was great for me. Yoga. Taking a class to learn something that you've always wanted to know how to do.

Keep plugging along and the spans of "good" time will increase.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Jodie77

KE,

Thank you. I have been trying little by little to do things with my friends but I find myself wanting to just go home and cry. The weekends are the toughest for me because there is so much idle time and I obsess over what he's doing and with whom.

He's still in active addiction (coke, opiates, alcohol) yet is fully functioning--runs a company and is very emotionally and physically available for his children. I always wondered how he could be there for them but not for me....

LoveMeNow

Years ago, I broke off my engagement to a long time bf. I was the one that ended it but seem to take it much harder then he did. I cried everyday for 2 months. I was a complete mess but I knew I was doing the right thing.

Then one day, I had had enough. I could barely stand myself anymore. I couldn't cry one more tear. My poor family and friends were probably well over it and me too. lol

After a few months, he started calling me again. I had such clarity by then. I saw him and his games for what they were. Boy, was I glad I ended it. It was done, I was done! Every day, I became happier, funner and so grateful I ended it!!

Give yourself time, keep working on you....life will get so much better.

oocleanchickoo

I think the best thing that could've happened to you is him telling you to leave. I never dealt with anyone in their addiction while I was clean but it's a recipe for disater and I hope he sees the light and get the help he needs

LoveMeNow

For now!!

Wing

Jodie,

It's sad that he brought a bright girl down. Please hang in there. We are all experiencing the same. I'm walking forward too with my wound that I didn't deserve. Go on a holiday trip to somewhere far far away and totally different from your country. It helps a lot, seeing new environment and new culture could bring your mind away from him.

I know exactly how it feels. I also cried my eyes out and thought that I would become blind. My face was ruined by tear too, got rash and bad skin. we are destructing ourselves for someone who got controled by the devil drugs... we couldnt win over that but we need to save ourselves. Friends wouldn't understand why we couldn't get over but here in sr, everybody understand.

Pls take care of yourself. Hugs

Jodie77

Thanks everyone...so much!!

Wing,

I can totally relate. My skin and under my eyes are trashed. The crying has taken a toll on me and my eyes are bloodshot with bags. I'm so over this! I'm over giving him this power. I have a tendency to idealize the situation and not look at reality. He is very smoking hot...dark hair, 6'3", gorgeous body. He turns heads. So I concentrate on all the attention he'll be getting and the pool of women he'll have to choose from and it sickens me.

I need to stop obsessing. Because all they'll get is a great looking guy who is a drug addict, bipolar and abusive. I've thought about leaving the state to clear my mind.

I hope your heart heals too xo

Sara21

Hi Jodie,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I have just recently seperated from my husband and I miss him (the sober him) so much it hurts. I am grieving for the once bright future we had and for the wonderful man he was before the drugs came into the picture.

However, I don't miss the lies, manipulation, fights, etc. I don't want to be with someone that loves drugs more than anything else, someone that disrespects me and lies to me. We deserve better than that.

What were your plans/goals before you met him? You had a life before him and you will live on without him. What are you grateful for in life? What brings you joy? For me, just getting out of the house and spending time outdoors has been a bit therapeutic (planting flowers, going for a walk).

I wish I had a magic cure for you, for all of us. All I can say is that I don't want his addiction to rob me of more of my happiness, it's already taken so much. I have to remind myself that I WILL be ok and get through this. So will you.

Hugs

Wing

Jodie,

Don't be silly and obsessed. I remember u mentioned that u are model n makeup artist? I'm sure that u are a hottie too. Stop crying, dress up, put on makeup and get out of your home. We are stronger than them. They cannot give up their addiction but I believe that we can give up our addiction to our exs. We have to be tough.

I also just dreamed of him. In which we were together happily without drugs in the scene... I woke up, the world is just the same. It was just my dream. And my mom hand in a news clip that a guy just killed his gf after he was taking ice. And my fren sent me the same clip by phone... Reality hit.

Jodie77

LoveMeNow Sara and Wing,

Thank you again, ladies. You all are so strong and I admire your strength and resolve...you give me hope! LMN, you are quite strong and resilient to have left your fiancé. I understand crying every day for nearly 2 months and I'm at the place where I've had it! I'm going to start living life. He's taken enough from me.

Sara, I am so sorry you are going through this grief. It is gut wrenching. I do admire your
tenacity and spirit. You are doing the right things by getting out and picking up the things you once enjoyed. I love fashion and design and reading. I too need to start living again...I have given this man enough of my tears both during and after our relationship. Now I'm just getting pissed. We DO deserve more and we WILL find peace and happiness again.

Today while having a total meltdown in the car I cried out to Jesus. I said "This load is too much for me to carry. Please take it from me. I can't do this alone." And you know what? The pain lifted. Instantly. I could feel Jesus remove the agony. He is carrying me through. He will for all of you, too.

Wing,

You're so right! We ARE stronger than them. They need drugs to get through life yet we go through the agony of separation completely sober--that takes real strength, real courage! I feel stronger already. And yes they have become our drug, our addiction. Time to go cold turkey and also continue in treatment. We all are worth it and will overcome this. And yes I'm a make-up artist (part time)...my FT career is in the medical field. I was also runway model in LA (but not the super skinny kind ha)!

I love all of you and feel stronger for SR.

xoxo

Jodie77

ps.

I have a voice memo on my iPhone where you can leave yourself reminders and messages. I've recorded myself at least 5 times for about 5 minute a piece just reminding myself ALL the selfish, insensitive, abusive, BS he put me through. It's very cathartic listening to it because it's my voice and it's a constant reminder (when I begin to idealize him) of what a waste our engagement was and what an abusive/addict he was.

I find it very healing. It snaps me back to reality. I recommend doing that if you have access to a voice memo...or you could just leave yourself long voicemail messages reminding yourself of all the negative aspects of you XA. It's really helped me.

LoveMeNow

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...niversary.html

Read this post for inspiration!! : )

Jodie77

LVM,

Excellent post! Just what I needed!! Thanks for sharing...

lesliej

jodie, dear...
chances are that there is more to your tears then him.
whatever kind of love existed in the attachment that you had with him, it may have included other parts of yourself that are in pain, not just because of the loss of him. maybe being in love with him included some of your inner most core issues that have not yet been addressed?

Pia Mellody wrote "Understanding Codependency" (One of my absolute favorites) and she said that anything that may have been an issue in our formative years gets brought to the forefront in our romantic relationships. Anything that might have possibly been askew in your primary relationships as a child gets echoed in your primary love relationship.

Sometimes it even goes so far as being a form of PTSD. We can get severely traumatized by the abuse we suffer when our love relationship is immersed in addiction/codependency. It's awful, yes...but there is good news. It DOES subside...
keep going in the direction away from the source of trauma and you will find peace and serenity.

Another thing to remember is that there is a huge chemical release when we cry so hard...and after a while you may begin to recognize it. You will feel the wave of the chemicals rush through you.

There may come a time when you will start to perhaps make a conscious decision to try to stop the hard crying...I remember when I would start to "allot myself" a few minutes to cry...to release in little bits...and to realize that I would have to start making conscious decisions to end the crying itself, and to grieve without the crying.

This is kind of the idea behind "The Chemistry of Joy"...you can begin to counteract the crying with fake laughter, fake smile really hard until it hurts...and guess what you might start to feel the smile...the real smile. You can make a conscious decision to start to release the chemistry of joy...instead of sorrow. Seriously.

One last thing in my novel here.

No woman in the world is going to be lucky to be with a smoking hot addict. No one. No one. No one is lucky to be with a smoking hot addict. It is a hellish curse.

shinebright7

Jodie77 said: Yeah you're going through so many emotions. It takes the amount of time to grieve that it does. And something like this can bring up sadness and pain from other things too that just compounds our suffering sometimes. So be gentle win yourself. ((Hugs))

The slogan "live and let live" has also helped me.

I definitely have to learn to let him live how he's gonna live...can't control him or cure him or cause him to use or not.

So that takes care of the "let live" part...

Which leaves the 1st part: "live"

This is the part that applies to me!

Am I living? Or am I rolling over and dying?

Sometimes that is the case...I totally get it. Been there many times.

But this slogan reminds me that my job is to live.

It's not " die and let live" ya know? Haha

I've thought about this slogan a lot. Still do.

And that's great you wanna get a sponsor!

Ask someone who you feel comfortable with -- who seems steeped in the program and give it a try. You can always switch later if its not a match.

Hang in there. You have a lot of love around you here and if you take it one day at a time - sometimes one hour our minute at a time, you will start feeling better and better. xo

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Jodie77

Leslie,

You are definitely right about bringing up childhood trauma. I was NOT loved by my father; he was a very religious man but also very sick and extremely emotionally abusive. A lot of head games and sadistic mental things he did to my siblings and me. I never once felt worthy or lovable or special; he made me feel like I was a burden and in his way. Every time I go through a loss (with a relationship) I find myself absolutely traumatized and wrecked. It's definitely a little deeper.

I've noticed after I cry I do feel a sense of peace come over me. I read about the chemical release and it feels like I'm letting go with every new cry. I don't want to grieve too long....this entire process has been so much harder than usual because it was his
choice to end it...he left me, he abandoning me. This is what I'm trying to come to terms with. Thank you for your support.

Shinebright,

Yes I want to get a sponsor and I think they'll come in extra handy when I start unraveling, as I find myself doing so often now. I love the slogan "live and let live" but it still puts a knife in my heart as I'm not there yet...I'm not ready to let him go and let him "live." I'm still very much bonded to him. I feel like part of my arm has been cut off. Every day I seem to make headway then I wake up back at square one. I pray NC, time, distance, SR, and Alanon help. I'm giving it all I got. Thank you!

pacificsunrise

Jodie77 - I'm not familiar with your complete story as I was away from SR for a little while, but wanted to welcome you. People here have made a world of difference in my recovery and I am so grateful that I have found this site. Sorry to hear about your struggle. As for the answer, it does get better. Depending on the person it can be slower or faster. For me, it has been over 2 yrs now and I still have bad days, going back and forth days, denial days, wishing we could be together days, hating him days, etc. I have been w/ my AH for 13 yrs before leaving w/ our 3 small kids. The difference now is that I also have good days, happy days, not even thinking about him days, I love my life days, etc. - something that was inconceivable at the begining of my journey without him. so, it does get better. it also takes time. and please take all the time that you need for yourself. you are worth it. hugs and hope to you.