2 steps forward 3 steps back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
pacificsunrise,
Thank you for sharing your story. Mine is similar except I don't have 3 small children of my own, but he does. I helped raise them when he had them and it's very difficult to part with the children as I love them very much. I've lost a lot.
We were together just under 4 years and he proposed in December after coming out of rehab "a new man." Within 1 month he was back to using drugs and abusing me again...this time worse than ever. A month after that he called things off via text and asked me to move out. I was stunned. He had just proposed marriage! A month later I get a long "quacking" email of him apologizing for wrecking my life but that he's back on opiates, alcohol & coke and doesn't want to "put me through it again." He won't go back to rehab or get treatment and thinks he can handle it on his own. He literally left me, his fiancé who loved him and his children dearly, for drugs. It's maddening. He tells people a different story though so I don't know what to believe or what is going through his head. All I know is that he abandoned me with no remorse or sadness or regret; it's like I was a weekend fling.
Our entire relationship was passionate and tumultuous and abusive. We had tremendous passion and chemistry and I believe that's what kept it going for so long. I really loved him unconditionally regardless of the intimacy. I think because he's an addict once the passion subsided he just lost interest. He left his wife too and she is so beautiful and classy. He said he left her because she was too laid back and was wearing sweatpants too much. I don't know....
I know that he would break things off with me then come crying back. Wine and dine me then sleep with his back to me. He was either ALL about me or wanted nothing to do with me. It was a roller coaster and I thrived on the good times. I also loved his children so I was invested; it's all very complicated between our passion, his addiction, my codependence, the children, his career, the abuse, the making up, the excitement of the engagement, the ups and downs. It was crazy. I can't believe he's the one who pulled the plug though. Never in a million years did I anticipate that.
He's out living his life, enjoying being single, raising his kids and staying fully distracted while I'm left to pick up the pieces once again.
Thank you for giving me hope. You are much farther into the process than I am but if you can overcome this than I can too, especially with children involved. It's been hell
Thank you for sharing your story. Mine is similar except I don't have 3 small children of my own, but he does. I helped raise them when he had them and it's very difficult to part with the children as I love them very much. I've lost a lot.
We were together just under 4 years and he proposed in December after coming out of rehab "a new man." Within 1 month he was back to using drugs and abusing me again...this time worse than ever. A month after that he called things off via text and asked me to move out. I was stunned. He had just proposed marriage! A month later I get a long "quacking" email of him apologizing for wrecking my life but that he's back on opiates, alcohol & coke and doesn't want to "put me through it again." He won't go back to rehab or get treatment and thinks he can handle it on his own. He literally left me, his fiancé who loved him and his children dearly, for drugs. It's maddening. He tells people a different story though so I don't know what to believe or what is going through his head. All I know is that he abandoned me with no remorse or sadness or regret; it's like I was a weekend fling.
Our entire relationship was passionate and tumultuous and abusive. We had tremendous passion and chemistry and I believe that's what kept it going for so long. I really loved him unconditionally regardless of the intimacy. I think because he's an addict once the passion subsided he just lost interest. He left his wife too and she is so beautiful and classy. He said he left her because she was too laid back and was wearing sweatpants too much. I don't know....
I know that he would break things off with me then come crying back. Wine and dine me then sleep with his back to me. He was either ALL about me or wanted nothing to do with me. It was a roller coaster and I thrived on the good times. I also loved his children so I was invested; it's all very complicated between our passion, his addiction, my codependence, the children, his career, the abuse, the making up, the excitement of the engagement, the ups and downs. It was crazy. I can't believe he's the one who pulled the plug though. Never in a million years did I anticipate that.
He's out living his life, enjoying being single, raising his kids and staying fully distracted while I'm left to pick up the pieces once again.
Thank you for giving me hope. You are much farther into the process than I am but if you can overcome this than I can too, especially with children involved. It's been hell
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 30
Jodie, I think you are doing great. It's been 6 months for me since I broke up with my Exabf and I think I'm finally getting to a good place now. It will take time, and you will have ups and downs but from what Ive read you are educating yourself about addiction and working on yourself and thats key. I went to my first Al-anon meeting prob 4 months after the break-up, that was after he sent me an email randomly and said he was angry i left him, if I loved him like i claimed I did i would have stayed. I had no idea how to process this, i cried a lot over the months, but that email made me cry sooo much I was like i need to talk to ppl who can make some sense out of him/addicts. I knew I loved him so much, why did he say that to me!? He was the one that lied our entire relationship, I had no idea he was using/abusing drugs, when he got arrested that was when bomb was dropped on me. I also started therapy shortly after that email. To process what I was going through and also to learn about myself/work on me.
and just recently I went to my doctor and got some anti-depressants. Let me tell you that is what I would advise if after some months you still feel not like yourself and lack of energy. Its just temporary but that coupled with all the other things you are doing, I think you will feel like your old self. I def do! Those crying spells, like just sitting there and crying randomly I don't do any more. even if my mind wanders and I think of him.
Expect to have good days and bad. Its normal. What has helped me is keeping busy. Hanging out with my family and friends. Catching up on TV shows...joining social league sports, running etc. When you sit alone, your mind is going to wander and you will feel bad and cry. Believe me i did that a lot! and i would see couples and feel sad and cry! But you have to remember why you arent together. You don't deserve to be treated like that by any man! addict or not.
Trust the Universe/God, things will work out. I'm a much stronger woman now after 6 months then a couple of months after. You cant rush things, but at same time don't dwell in it. If you think of him and start 'missing him' tell yourself to Stop. and refocus on something else. So, many ppl have told me think of it as a blessing. I didn't get married to my Ex, that was our next step we talked about it, that it was good I found out now then after i said I Do.
So, hang in there. Take it one day at a time.
and just recently I went to my doctor and got some anti-depressants. Let me tell you that is what I would advise if after some months you still feel not like yourself and lack of energy. Its just temporary but that coupled with all the other things you are doing, I think you will feel like your old self. I def do! Those crying spells, like just sitting there and crying randomly I don't do any more. even if my mind wanders and I think of him.
Expect to have good days and bad. Its normal. What has helped me is keeping busy. Hanging out with my family and friends. Catching up on TV shows...joining social league sports, running etc. When you sit alone, your mind is going to wander and you will feel bad and cry. Believe me i did that a lot! and i would see couples and feel sad and cry! But you have to remember why you arent together. You don't deserve to be treated like that by any man! addict or not.
Trust the Universe/God, things will work out. I'm a much stronger woman now after 6 months then a couple of months after. You cant rush things, but at same time don't dwell in it. If you think of him and start 'missing him' tell yourself to Stop. and refocus on something else. So, many ppl have told me think of it as a blessing. I didn't get married to my Ex, that was our next step we talked about it, that it was good I found out now then after i said I Do.
So, hang in there. Take it one day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Reed,
Thank you for your support. I'm sorry you had to go through the madness, too. Your are further along than me but 6 months still isn't out of the woods...but you seem to be healthy and assured and confident.
I'm sorry you had to read a BS email. I too got some bogus "quacking" email that basically said he's sorry but he's not getting help and he'll always love me. It was flooring. Yes, he broke off an engagement and chose drugs over me.
Every time we'd drop off the kids his ex wife would look at me with all this empathy in her eyes and then give me a tight hug. She knew exactly what I was going through with him as she had to endure it for 15 years. She is free of it now and I'm on my way. I miss him dearly. Terribly so. I wish desperately we could make it work but I know now that that is not a possibility now or ever.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. You should be proud!
Hugs xx
Thank you for your support. I'm sorry you had to go through the madness, too. Your are further along than me but 6 months still isn't out of the woods...but you seem to be healthy and assured and confident.
I'm sorry you had to read a BS email. I too got some bogus "quacking" email that basically said he's sorry but he's not getting help and he'll always love me. It was flooring. Yes, he broke off an engagement and chose drugs over me.
Every time we'd drop off the kids his ex wife would look at me with all this empathy in her eyes and then give me a tight hug. She knew exactly what I was going through with him as she had to endure it for 15 years. She is free of it now and I'm on my way. I miss him dearly. Terribly so. I wish desperately we could make it work but I know now that that is not a possibility now or ever.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. You should be proud!
Hugs xx
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I wanted to ask (please take it easy on me) how long does this take?
What I can guarantee you is you won't come out the other side of this as you were going in. If you keep doing the right things, you'll come out a better person. A stronger person. And a person who is more aware of your vulnerabilities and with a better idea on how to protect them.
So, just ride it out as best you can. Some days will suck. Some days will be good.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I just saw my ex at a big speaker meeting (recovery event) and we said hello and I gave him a hug...the last time I saw him he came and was part of winter theater performance I was directing...he volunteered to play a small role and I welcomed him...
the difference now is that I don't get triggered in the same way I used to...so not even close!! this is proof for me that time heals so much. the difference also is that I almost feel like I love him in a gentler way...I pray for him solely for his benefit (which is not the same as it was when his "benefit" would have affected mine...re: I thought we could have stayed together)
the difference now is that I can see he is a vulnerable man struggling with this addiction, there is a gorilla on his back wherever he goes, and although I feel for him I also know that I never want to go back to throwing my heart into the ring with that gorilla
I quit smoking cigs when I quit drinking (over seven years now...) one of the things I quite often think about is that I never want to go through having to quit smoking again...
not to sound cold or crass but when I think about even the tiniest hint of a miniscule possibility of being with him again...well, it's kind of like smoking...I never want to have to go through that break up again...and with his relapse history the odds are I would be right back where I started 14 months ago...desperate, heart broken and miserable.
life has changed now, life is good. I never want to go back and start all over again.
the withdrawals are awful...BUT remember that they are also a sign that you ARE withdrawing!!!!!!!
keep going one day at a time...life is waiting! summer will caress you and care for you...
the difference now is that I don't get triggered in the same way I used to...so not even close!! this is proof for me that time heals so much. the difference also is that I almost feel like I love him in a gentler way...I pray for him solely for his benefit (which is not the same as it was when his "benefit" would have affected mine...re: I thought we could have stayed together)
the difference now is that I can see he is a vulnerable man struggling with this addiction, there is a gorilla on his back wherever he goes, and although I feel for him I also know that I never want to go back to throwing my heart into the ring with that gorilla
I quit smoking cigs when I quit drinking (over seven years now...) one of the things I quite often think about is that I never want to go through having to quit smoking again...
not to sound cold or crass but when I think about even the tiniest hint of a miniscule possibility of being with him again...well, it's kind of like smoking...I never want to have to go through that break up again...and with his relapse history the odds are I would be right back where I started 14 months ago...desperate, heart broken and miserable.
life has changed now, life is good. I never want to go back and start all over again.
the withdrawals are awful...BUT remember that they are also a sign that you ARE withdrawing!!!!!!!
keep going one day at a time...life is waiting! summer will caress you and care for you...
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Jodie77 
Thanks, Zoso. Tonight is especially hard. I miss him more than words can say...
Jodie, his wife got over him, you will too. She is not anymore special then you. Someday, you too will have the same look off empathy for his next victim.
He is not happy, he is numb. But deep down, he is in hell. A hell only he (and God) can save him from.
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