Should I Change my phone #?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
Should I Change my phone #?
To make a long story short, supporting and at times enabling my meth addict EX boyfriend is starting to affect me at work and in my other, healthy relationships. My own mental sanity hasn't been impressive lately so I question if I can even be of use to him in a meerly supportive role. Is it possible to love someone too much to help them? Or to be co-dependent and not the right person to help them? Would if you just can't cope with what is going on?
I ask because part of me really wants to change my number and be released from sleepless nights, crazy conversations, and bad situations where I could get caught at the wrong place, wrong time. I've stopped covering bills, so that was a good step. But my ex argues that I am his mental stability and cutting off contact would be abandonment. I've been seeing a counselor and he thinks I'm helping and loving into a bottomless pit and should cease all contact. Also, that me and my ex seem to be addicted to each other almost as much as he is addicted to meth because we can't seem to part.
My ex is currently using. I know that because he accidently called me this morning at 5am when he meant to call one of meth buds. Yes, we faught, I cried, and he cursed me out. The craziness continues. But my struggle is with changing my number. Its a bold move and there's some guilt that comes along with imagining my ex in a life or death situation, calling, and not being able to reach me for help. I've read on these boards about cutting off contact and then finding out a couple of years later that the person is dead. How do people make such a decision and know that it doesn't play a role in the person's life? And if they stay in contact, how in the world do you remain positive and supportive while you're being sucked emotionally and physically dry?
I have no ties to this man, we are not married and don't have children. But he is sincerely one of my favorite people. And someone I feel I share a strong bond with when he is not using and honestly sometimes even when he is...
I ask because part of me really wants to change my number and be released from sleepless nights, crazy conversations, and bad situations where I could get caught at the wrong place, wrong time. I've stopped covering bills, so that was a good step. But my ex argues that I am his mental stability and cutting off contact would be abandonment. I've been seeing a counselor and he thinks I'm helping and loving into a bottomless pit and should cease all contact. Also, that me and my ex seem to be addicted to each other almost as much as he is addicted to meth because we can't seem to part.
My ex is currently using. I know that because he accidently called me this morning at 5am when he meant to call one of meth buds. Yes, we faught, I cried, and he cursed me out. The craziness continues. But my struggle is with changing my number. Its a bold move and there's some guilt that comes along with imagining my ex in a life or death situation, calling, and not being able to reach me for help. I've read on these boards about cutting off contact and then finding out a couple of years later that the person is dead. How do people make such a decision and know that it doesn't play a role in the person's life? And if they stay in contact, how in the world do you remain positive and supportive while you're being sucked emotionally and physically dry?
I have no ties to this man, we are not married and don't have children. But he is sincerely one of my favorite people. And someone I feel I share a strong bond with when he is not using and honestly sometimes even when he is...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((TheGirlsTrying)))))
Only you can decide to change your number and go NO CONTACT.
I will tell you this YOU CANNOT HELP HIM!
If your love, caring and concern could have 'helped' him get clean and sober than why didn't he do it when you were together.
This is a TYPICAL Addict's manipulation, playing to your emotions, knowing what he needs to say to MAKE you feel guilty. It is called MANIPULATION!!!
LISTEN to your therapist. Now may be the time to try some Naranon and/or Alanon meetings and start working a program for. You can work the program that you wish he could work. I suggest Alanon as not only is it the same program as Naranon, but many times there are more Alanon meetings available at different times to fit into ones busy schedule.
Going NO CONTACT will give you some peace and certainly some space so that you can start working on you.
Okay with the 'what ifing' you are doing and the 'woulda, shoulda, coulda,' all you are doing by worrying about the tomorrows to come is taking away today. You are so absorbed in 'tomorrow' you are surely going to miss anything good that comes your way today.
My first husband was a practicing alcoholic when I divorced him. My own alcoholism had not really reared it's ugly head yet.
After I myself got sober, about 5 years after our divorce, I would hear from him occasionally, and he was always still drinking until '91 and Desert Storm, when he was given the option of going 'active' Air Force again. He chose to do that and went to Ellis AFB where he was able to 'relieve' two younger men to go to Desert Storm. He was there a year and did not drink a drop that whole year. Talking to him and even flying out to see him several times that, I will admit it was like being with the 'old' before full blown alcoholism, Donald. On the day he was 'decommissioned' and was being returned to 'retirement' status he was going to leave the base and drive back to his home in Stockton and figured he would be home for dinner. Our son called me when he didn't show up (he lived in the same town and had his business there) to say "Mom I think he started on a bender, he isn't home yet" (and this was at 10:30pm I had to tell Junior that he was probably correct and it might be a good thing for both of us to start hitting some Alanon.
5 1/2 days later he staggered into Junior's office reeking of alcohol from 20 feet away. So he had managed a whole year, he didn't want his AF pals and his new C.O. to think badly of him. But once he was off base, he had a whole year to make up for.
We went back to barely talking at all, sometimes it would be 9 months or more before he called me. He never managed after that to get more than a day or two and back to the bottle he would go. Periodically, he would disappear to Los Angeles for a week or two, so Junior was not worried in January of '99 when he once again disappeared and Junior and I when Junior called me figured he was doing his Los Angeles binge again.
Junior got a call for the L.A. police informing him that his father had been found dead on such and such street in front of such and such address, in downtown L.A.. When Junior called me later that day and told me, my first thought was "he is finally out of his pain, R.I.P. Donald." When Junior told me the address, I had to tell him that, that was about 20 feet from where his Uncle had been found (Donald's older brother) in '73.
Later, we would hear from the Medical Examiner of Los Angeles that he had died from a massive burst aneurysm in his brain. That he had probably died instantly from a massive stroke. And yes the aneurysm was probably a result of his excessive drinking over the years. His older brother was also an alcoholic and died of the exact same thing.
Could I have prevented this, if I had stayed in contact or stayed with him? Hell no. He was going to drink with me there or not, even though I was sober, had shown him, by how I live my life how great sobriety is, ie worked/working the program I 'wished', 'hoped' he would work. Nothing I did or could have done would have changed the outcome. Only he could have changed that outcome, by seeking recovery. There is nothing I could have done.
Now did I kick myself? You bet I did. I even pulled that big old truck chain out of the back of m closet and tried to beat myself up over this. That is until my Alanon sponsor got wind of what I was doing. doG bless sponsors!!!!!!! She came and picked me up and took me to an Alanon meeting, and then after the meeting we went to Marie Callendars for some dinner and lots of talking. Well she talked and I listened, lmao I was able to put that old truck chain back in the back of the closet, lol It was NOT my fault.
In January of '07 I got a call from a hospital in Phoenix about my 2nd husband. Seems he had my phone number in his wallet for his 'next of kin' contact. He died, from Valley Fever. Valley Fever is a common virus in the Phoenix area that both humans and canines can contract and there really is no cure for it, but a healthy human can get over it. However, Donald was skin and bones and not healthy when he caught it. Oh, he was still sober, had just passed his 29th year of sobriety. However, even though he made a pretty damn good salary at his job, he lived in a cheap boarding house in the worst part of town. Where did his money go? Well you see he changed his addiction from alcohol to Gambling. And it was the gambling that forced me to divorce him. I could not help him. He was going to do what he was going to do, and had no thought of going to some gamblers anonymous meetings, even though he was a long time member of AA.
My point is, from my own personal experiences is he will continue to do what he is going to do. You changing your phone number and going NO CONTACT is for you, not him. It is for you to get off the 'CRAZY TRAIN' and the ongoing 'CRAZY ROLLER COASTER RIDE.'
So ............................................ you have to decide, are you ready to get some peace and serenity back in your life?
Love and hugs,
Only you can decide to change your number and go NO CONTACT.
I will tell you this YOU CANNOT HELP HIM!
Its a bold move and there's some guilt that comes along with imagining my ex in a life or death situation, calling, and not being able to reach me for help.
But my ex argues that I am his mental stability and cutting off contact would be abandonment.
I've been seeing a counselor and he thinks I'm helping and loving into a bottomless pit and should cease all contact. Also, that me and my ex seem to be addicted to each other almost as much as he is addicted to meth because we can't seem to part.
Going NO CONTACT will give you some peace and certainly some space so that you can start working on you.
I've read on these boards about cutting off contact and then finding out a couple of years later that the person is dead. How do people make such a decision and know that it doesn't play a role in the person's life?
My first husband was a practicing alcoholic when I divorced him. My own alcoholism had not really reared it's ugly head yet.
After I myself got sober, about 5 years after our divorce, I would hear from him occasionally, and he was always still drinking until '91 and Desert Storm, when he was given the option of going 'active' Air Force again. He chose to do that and went to Ellis AFB where he was able to 'relieve' two younger men to go to Desert Storm. He was there a year and did not drink a drop that whole year. Talking to him and even flying out to see him several times that, I will admit it was like being with the 'old' before full blown alcoholism, Donald. On the day he was 'decommissioned' and was being returned to 'retirement' status he was going to leave the base and drive back to his home in Stockton and figured he would be home for dinner. Our son called me when he didn't show up (he lived in the same town and had his business there) to say "Mom I think he started on a bender, he isn't home yet" (and this was at 10:30pm I had to tell Junior that he was probably correct and it might be a good thing for both of us to start hitting some Alanon.
5 1/2 days later he staggered into Junior's office reeking of alcohol from 20 feet away. So he had managed a whole year, he didn't want his AF pals and his new C.O. to think badly of him. But once he was off base, he had a whole year to make up for.
We went back to barely talking at all, sometimes it would be 9 months or more before he called me. He never managed after that to get more than a day or two and back to the bottle he would go. Periodically, he would disappear to Los Angeles for a week or two, so Junior was not worried in January of '99 when he once again disappeared and Junior and I when Junior called me figured he was doing his Los Angeles binge again.
Junior got a call for the L.A. police informing him that his father had been found dead on such and such street in front of such and such address, in downtown L.A.. When Junior called me later that day and told me, my first thought was "he is finally out of his pain, R.I.P. Donald." When Junior told me the address, I had to tell him that, that was about 20 feet from where his Uncle had been found (Donald's older brother) in '73.
Later, we would hear from the Medical Examiner of Los Angeles that he had died from a massive burst aneurysm in his brain. That he had probably died instantly from a massive stroke. And yes the aneurysm was probably a result of his excessive drinking over the years. His older brother was also an alcoholic and died of the exact same thing.
Could I have prevented this, if I had stayed in contact or stayed with him? Hell no. He was going to drink with me there or not, even though I was sober, had shown him, by how I live my life how great sobriety is, ie worked/working the program I 'wished', 'hoped' he would work. Nothing I did or could have done would have changed the outcome. Only he could have changed that outcome, by seeking recovery. There is nothing I could have done.
Now did I kick myself? You bet I did. I even pulled that big old truck chain out of the back of m closet and tried to beat myself up over this. That is until my Alanon sponsor got wind of what I was doing. doG bless sponsors!!!!!!! She came and picked me up and took me to an Alanon meeting, and then after the meeting we went to Marie Callendars for some dinner and lots of talking. Well she talked and I listened, lmao I was able to put that old truck chain back in the back of the closet, lol It was NOT my fault.
In January of '07 I got a call from a hospital in Phoenix about my 2nd husband. Seems he had my phone number in his wallet for his 'next of kin' contact. He died, from Valley Fever. Valley Fever is a common virus in the Phoenix area that both humans and canines can contract and there really is no cure for it, but a healthy human can get over it. However, Donald was skin and bones and not healthy when he caught it. Oh, he was still sober, had just passed his 29th year of sobriety. However, even though he made a pretty damn good salary at his job, he lived in a cheap boarding house in the worst part of town. Where did his money go? Well you see he changed his addiction from alcohol to Gambling. And it was the gambling that forced me to divorce him. I could not help him. He was going to do what he was going to do, and had no thought of going to some gamblers anonymous meetings, even though he was a long time member of AA.
My point is, from my own personal experiences is he will continue to do what he is going to do. You changing your phone number and going NO CONTACT is for you, not him. It is for you to get off the 'CRAZY TRAIN' and the ongoing 'CRAZY ROLLER COASTER RIDE.'
So ............................................ you have to decide, are you ready to get some peace and serenity back in your life?
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Switzerland
Posts: 13
Hey Girl,
Realize you must come to your own rescue. Change your phone number love. You need to love yourself more than you love him.
You may be his mental stability but you are also the one thing that is making it okay for him to keep behaving the way he is. You give him just enough love for him to keep going the way he is. I did the same thing with my alcoholic boyfriend. They need tough love not reassurance.
At the end of the day it's your life and your choice. You'll know when the time is right. But really think long and hard about it. What do you really want? Who do you really want to be? What are you willing to sacrifice?
Realize you must come to your own rescue. Change your phone number love. You need to love yourself more than you love him.
You may be his mental stability but you are also the one thing that is making it okay for him to keep behaving the way he is. You give him just enough love for him to keep going the way he is. I did the same thing with my alcoholic boyfriend. They need tough love not reassurance.
At the end of the day it's your life and your choice. You'll know when the time is right. But really think long and hard about it. What do you really want? Who do you really want to be? What are you willing to sacrifice?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Oh you've come to the right place!!
This is where you can learn everything you need to make that decision. Or else to remain in contact but set healthy boundaries for yourself.
You can of be another adult's emotional stability. Sounds to me like you are allowing him to take your own stability.
Please read around here, especially the sticky posts at the top of the forum.
And keep posting. It will help, I promise.
You do have an absolute right to remove yourself from this situation.
Peace,
Hanna
This is where you can learn everything you need to make that decision. Or else to remain in contact but set healthy boundaries for yourself.
You can of be another adult's emotional stability. Sounds to me like you are allowing him to take your own stability.
Please read around here, especially the sticky posts at the top of the forum.
And keep posting. It will help, I promise.
You do have an absolute right to remove yourself from this situation.
Peace,
Hanna
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if he was ever in a LIFE or DEATH situation, the appropriate phone number to call is 911.
sometimes we have to step back and take a good hard look at just what our HELP has done for the other person. are they in a better place? did we "help" them overcome their addiction? have they learned to conduct themselves in life as responsible mature adults? or are they right where they've always been? and the real kicker - what are WE getting out of "helping" if it's not really helping?
sometimes we have to step back and take a good hard look at just what our HELP has done for the other person. are they in a better place? did we "help" them overcome their addiction? have they learned to conduct themselves in life as responsible mature adults? or are they right where they've always been? and the real kicker - what are WE getting out of "helping" if it's not really helping?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Were both your husbands Donalds?
Was just easier, and to be honest I was still on my 1st cup of coffee, lol
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Your AXBF is definitely manipulating you by telling you that you are his mental stability and if you cut off contact, you're abandoning him. Your therapist is right - you need to cut off all contact if you ever hope to have a chance at a healthy, happy life. And you can't accept responsibility if something happens to him somewhere down the road. You said you know that he's still using, which means he's obviously not taking responsibility for his own life. And if HE won't take responsibility for HIS OWN life, then how in the world can YOU be expected to?? We are each responsible for our own lives and the choices and decisions we make. Please don't let him guilt you into being responsible for the decisions and choices HE makes in his own life.
You know, years ago, my oldest brother was involved with a girl who was bipolar (well, at the time, we called it manic-depressive....it was before the term bipolar became so well-known). He was head over heels in love with her, but between her constant extreme highs and lows and her constant cheating on him, he couldn't take it and tried to kill himself over her, tried to hang himself in his bedroom closet. I was 15 years old and I remember saying to my mom that just because you love somebody doesn't mean they're good for you or that you're meant to be with them. Fast forward 25 years, and I am now having to take my own advice....do I still love my XA? Absolutely. I love him more than I've ever loved another man, including my ex-husband, with whom I spent 19 years of my life. Is he good for me and good to have in my life? Absolutely NOT. My point is TGIS, that sometimes, no matter how much you love somebody, it doesn't mean they're good for you or that you're meant to be together forever. But the key is knowing when you've had enough and realizing not only that you DESERVE more, but that you WANT more for yourself in life. That realization comes at different times for all of us....I hope yours comes sooner rather than later, before your XABF manipulates you any further and before your relationship with your current BF is jeopardized. ((hugs))
You know, years ago, my oldest brother was involved with a girl who was bipolar (well, at the time, we called it manic-depressive....it was before the term bipolar became so well-known). He was head over heels in love with her, but between her constant extreme highs and lows and her constant cheating on him, he couldn't take it and tried to kill himself over her, tried to hang himself in his bedroom closet. I was 15 years old and I remember saying to my mom that just because you love somebody doesn't mean they're good for you or that you're meant to be with them. Fast forward 25 years, and I am now having to take my own advice....do I still love my XA? Absolutely. I love him more than I've ever loved another man, including my ex-husband, with whom I spent 19 years of my life. Is he good for me and good to have in my life? Absolutely NOT. My point is TGIS, that sometimes, no matter how much you love somebody, it doesn't mean they're good for you or that you're meant to be together forever. But the key is knowing when you've had enough and realizing not only that you DESERVE more, but that you WANT more for yourself in life. That realization comes at different times for all of us....I hope yours comes sooner rather than later, before your XABF manipulates you any further and before your relationship with your current BF is jeopardized. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Lodi ca
Posts: 1
Male was playing around with meth at one time .but was more of a alcoholic my girlfriend left me. When I said I did not need the meth and I would try to quit drinking to .she left anyways filed a restraining order and never tryed .well just like I told her I never touched meth again been clean since breakup and even quit drinking a bit . I know just drink socially have 1 are two and don't get drunk .im proud of what I did for me but I miss my best friend everyday so much I betrayed her trust but still I promised never to lie again and said I would get clean off that meth crap and have quit drinking all the time even quit weed cause I said I would and i did I wanted no more lies i even got my parents house clean and meth bro kicked out like i said but lost my during the breakup and now still trying to get work and can't because of restraining order till sep. I hate not working . I hate that I hurt her and lied .but I screwed up and this is my punishment i forgive her she did what she felt was right but at least it has braught me back to god and thanks to what happend and the pain I've done the impossible and been clean .just don't give up on people so easy give them a shot if u love them .if they love u they will jump. Thru hurdles for u trust me .i still did it cause I loved her sure was not at finish line but I'm still prod of what I've done I did not lie and would never again felt bad enough the first time I did. But always at least try if u love him see if he can prove itif he can't than throw in the towel .cause I thaught my ex really knew me but it ended up she did not cause I did exactly what she thaught I could not and threw away all are love for my stupid mistake cause of stress at my graveyard job . I'm so sorry I hurt her I still miss her and forgive her but she will and won't ever forget what I did and will never know the hell my last. 10 months of getting sober has been like .when I got kicked out to a house full of addicts was ready to die even tryed but found that god gave me strength and family and freind and the lost of the one woman I loved the one I did want to marry. I did plan on being with her for life but that over now
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Billy, welcome. Take a read around and you will see that the key to your happiness and your recovery is in YOUR hands, not anyone else's.
Keep clean, keep living well and life will get better, no matter what she decides is right for her. It's up to you, not anyone else.
Hugs
Keep clean, keep living well and life will get better, no matter what she decides is right for her. It's up to you, not anyone else.
Hugs
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