GardenMama

Okay, SR friends...I am back with a dilemma. My husband and I were just out of town on my our first vacation in 4 years. Took us three days to relax and get ourselves calmed down enough to have some fun. Came home four days after that. Just setting the scene...

As some of your know, my RAD has been in recovery since last summer. She's about to finish up two successful semesters of college since rehab. She and her RABF have been subletting and the subletter has recently decided they have to be out of the house three weeks earlier than their prior arrangement. The landlord/subletter has had a major life change (getting married) and needed to end her lease. My daughter is resentful and stressed because the woman won't give them until mid-May as earlier promised, so she could finish up the semester. Her RABF is not employed and has a lot of issues related to his past. But he is clean and sober, and dealing with being a father many states away from his kids. His family is a wreck. I have great concerns about my girl moving away, being a stepmom, etc. She has care-taking at her core...she learned from the best.

Today, after our return home last night, I took her and her sister thrifting and then to lunch. She told me the landlord story and then she asked meekly, carefully, if she and her BF could live with us for a few weeks until they found a place and after she finished her semester/exams. I empathized with her situation and said I needed time and had to talk to my husband (her step-dad) and my in-laws, who own and live in the same duplex as we do. (She and her BF have also acquired the requisite puppy during early recovery, who is now six months old. We have two cats who endured the puppy at Christmas. It was okay, my DD was sensitive to the cats and to our home then.)

So, what is the problem?

I came here to SR when I had to tell my RAD that she could not live at home after leaving her rehab 60 days early...It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. She made her way, found an SLE, enrolled in college, found a house to sublet, stayed in college, stayed clean, and needs to finish this semester. So I want to help her this time. I so value what she has accomplished since admitting her addiction. I want to let her stay here for a few weeks. I want to acknowledge her hard work in recovery and in college.

I am looking here for insight, suggestions, advice, questions, and things I have not thought of...My skin is thicker than it was in June, but loving advice is much appreciated.

AnvilheadII

well....do you WANT anybody living with you in your home? do you have the room and the desire? if so, maybe it would be a good idea to write up a contract....you can live here til X date. and here are some house rules. that way everybody is literally on the same page and in agreement.

it sure sounds like she HAS done well. maybe try NOT to see her moving in as a "reward" as much as just a stop on her bus tour!!

years ago my daughter came to stay with us for "a couple months" til she got settled and re-established (moving back to Seattle from LA) and that turned into 7 LONG months and the end part didn't go so well. she got all huffy, even said i'd NEVER done a thing for her? and within a couple days was out on her own, doing fine. I think she almost needed to get pissy to help break the bond thing and bust out of the nest.

laurie6781

I am with Anvil on this one. If your hubby is willing, then a CONTRACT is a must with a MOVE OUT BY DATE, ie May 16th (their original date) or May 31st as many time landlords like their leases on the first of the month, lol

I would also list in the contract The Absolutes: ie

Picking up after one's self, keeping dog away from cats and keeping dog from messing in house. If you 'see something on the floor, bend over and pick up, don't walk around it. Pitching in and helping keep house neat. Buying own groceries and dog food, doing their own laundry, maybe ask since RABF is not working if he might be willing to help with some of the outside work since spring is here, maybe the 'in-laws' would appreciate that, etc

Of all of the above, I do believe for you and your hubby's own peace and serenity a DATE must be set, BEFORE they move in.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

GardenMama

Good question...what do I want? And yes, we have the room. A contract is a good idea, too. Thank you.

bluebelle

I agree with the contract and the date to move out. If you are up to having two people and a dog live in your home. Our step-daughter (the non-addict one) came home as an adult to live with us twice, and we had to kick her out twice. It might sound harsh, but she just fell into bad habits--quitting her job and not cleaning up after herself--each time she came to live with us. My point is that a contract is a good way to set your boundaries regarding what you expect from them and how long they stay.

Ann

I agree that a contract is necessary...and a backup plan if she breaks the contract.

You have a good heart, my prayers go out that this works well for all of you.

Hugs

LoveMeNow

I think it's great you are supporting her recovery. Bless your heart. I couldn't do the unemployed boyfriend and 6 month old puppy. I think I am getting to set in my ways as I get older. I would be looking for another solution, like a weekly/monthly motel. Heck, I would even pay for it.

GardenMama

LMN, I feel the same way, actually. Lose the puppy and the BF, and I would happily welcome her back...Not my husband, though...he doesn't trust her yet completely and we are both anxious about being burned again by deceit and drama. Right now, I don't have money to throw at it, otherwise I would rent her a place myself...

I am just so torn. I have to accept her whole entire situation and not the parts I want to...I am torn, still, parenting an addict, trying to protect myself and my home, while at the same time wanting to support what has been a hard-fought recovery, for her and for ME.

LoveMeNow

It's a very hard decision, no doubt. And the fact that your husband isn't really on board makes it even harder. Will he a grumpy guy the whole time they are staying with you?

GardenMama

That is what I worry about...he is recovering from a long depression and has also been witness/companion to her entire adolescence/addiction free fall. He won't be grumpy if he agrees, just likely distant and it will have an impact on us. We were just beginning to recover emotionally from a couple of rough years. He has a master's degree and is currently a delivery driver due to a lack of jobs in his field...so he won't have much sympathy for a BF lying around, "looking" for work, and said as much last night. He does want to support our daughter, though, and her recovery. He just has more skepticism about her and has seen me be manipulated and hurt by her, just recently. Whew. Time to read more from The Language of Letting Go...thanks for the Onion idea, too.

Hanna

Given the boyfriend and the fact that your husband is not on board, I would let them figure this one out on their own.

They are capable of it, you know.

It's just too much and setting yourself up for potential major issues.

GardenMama

Thanks, Hanna. I think this is probably what I really need to hear, as much as it smarts my old wounds and wishes that things were different.

pravchaw

GardenMama, this is a tough one but you need to make a decision which works for both you and your husband.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry that you are feeling so torn. That's a tough one if your husband isn't on board.

The dog.....well......if it were me......I'd give the dog a temporary home in a heartbeat but I might have to think long and hard about taking my son in....lol.....and if he had a girlfriend. No way. She would need to figure something else out.

But that's me. I hope you find a workable solution that is best for you and your husband.

gentle hugs
ke

GardenMama

Yes, I agree, KE & Pravchaw, and the thing is, if I tell her he's got to find another place, she won't come here at all. She's fiercely committed to him. I have to determine my boundaries and the welfare of my marriage. She's not so committed to the dog, I gather, from yesterday's conversation. I was just thinking today about when I was 20 and met her father and moved to a big city to live with him and a few other roommates in a big old house...my parents were horrified. I keep thinking about being 19 and all the confusion-wrapped-in-false-certainty that late-year adolescents have...

Keep me in your prayers. This one hurts more for some reason. Feel like I got bit in the butt after spending months successfully swatting the mosquitos of my past...I feel weak and whiney.

Chino

Has she served them with an eviction notice yet?

Bobolicious

Daughter-yes
Boyfriend-no
Dog-maybe

Bobolicious

Good point. They should check the lanldord/tenant laws in their home state. The landlord may not be permitted to terminate the lease early. Tenants have rights. If there's no signed lease, but they've been paying rent, they have a legal month to month lease.

Hanna

I'd probably offer to take the dog for a set period of time, provided your DH is okay with that.

It would be a compromise since it would make it easier to find a place.

I have rented out rooms in my house on Craigslist. Gotten great short term tenants this way. Also recently learned about airB&B and in my town there are very cheap by the day options listed. She has options.

GardenMama

Well, I spoke with my RAD today about our decision and it did not go well. I expected it wouldn't. My DH & I decided that she was welcome to live here until the semester ended, but my downstairs neighbors (my in-laws) said no to the dog, and they were not comfortable with the RABF being here, and neither were we. I kept thinking about the idea of home as a refuge, coming home from work to find...what, I don't know, just things & people I didn't want in my house because they stress me out. We decided it was also not a good thing to model to her younger sister, having a BF live in our home, in her sister's room, etc. Not acceptable. Why I even entertained the idea is beyond me, except for that "special & unique" aspect we and our RA loved ones always apply to them and their messed up situations...

She was cold, sarcastic, and the conversation ended with her telling me I have never supported her, and she brought up old resentments as if they had just happened. Hhmmm. Ouch. Time to hang up.

Her sister is very sad today--she knew her RAS wouldn't agree to live here by herself. We all feel caught up again in the drama. I feel as if I slid backwards all week long, worrying, in a total FOG, bleary-eyed and wasting time.

I am glad I stuck to my true feelings on this one, and offered her a place to live, but I am sad that what I thought was healing between us was just the thinnest layer ever, so easily broken with old hurts, and so much anger bubbling right there at the surface. I have worked hard this year to let go of resentment and anger. I don't feel it now, but hers towards me stings more than I wish it did.