Ann

GardenMama, some things take a lot of time to heal, and they will heal if you and she don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

If my son should reappear today, after all these years, he would still not be allowed to stay in my home. We've done that battle too many times to even consider the possibility.

As I often say and think, WE are not their only options, if we were not around, they would find a way on their own. And I will add that WE are worthy of love and respect, and if we don't get it, shame on them...not us.

Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.

Kindeyes

Ah GM.....it sounds like you made a decision that was best for ALL of the family members. That's simply responsible decision making....so good for you! You're right....so often we make decisions in favor of the addict because of the screwed up mess they've made...and somehow our own messed up thinking makes us feel like we're somewhat responsible for getting them out of that mess or providing an option for them.

You're daughter may be pissed but she owns that.......not you.

gentle hugs from another Mom
ke

Hanna

So often here we talk about making these tough decisions but we frequently forget to discuss the predictable lashback that comes with making unpopular but healthy decisions.

I wish we had the foresight to remind you that it would likely go down like this. We humans, addict and otherwise, can be very manipulative creatures. If you don't give us what we want we inflict our punishment which frequently comes in the form of words intended to cause you bad feelings. On the good days I can recognize that and watch the efforts of people trying to manipulate my feelings with a sociologist's dispassion.

Your daughter's reaction is predictable. I hope it re-enforces that you made the right decision. You don't owe her boyfriend a place to live. For her to behave as if you do only shows that allowing her to move in would have led to disaster.

I am so glad that you made this hard decision. It is what is best for everyone involved. Everyone.

GardenMama

Thanks, Three Wise Women. Each one of you wrote something very helpful.

We are not her only option.

It would have been a disaster--thank goodness to a disaster averted!

and to quote KE: ...somehow our own messed up thinking makes us feel like we're somewhat responsible for getting them out of that mess or providing an option for them.

And Hanna, I did know on some level that it would devolve if she didn't get her way, but thanks for offering your hindsight...even when we "know" what will likely happen, we are always somehow wishing it would turn out differently...

Your words of support are so appreciated. Now I am going to take a bubble bath and sooth my tired bones & nerves & heart.

GardenMama

My RAD refused my offer to stay with us; her RABF wanted her to stay with us and told me so. She kept trying to get us to keep the puppy through various manipulative tactics, including using her sister and lying about it. She & I ended up in a bad moment on Tuesday with her showering insults and expletives on me in front of her BF. I stayed calm somehow, and did not respond to her viciousness. So mean and spiteful, and even though I know it's projection and not true about me, it still hurts. I told her to get all of what she needs from the house (I'd let her put some things here until they found a more permanent place), that I needed a break from her venom. I did not say how long. I am afraid I will not see her again. They plan to leave the state and go where he has work promised by a family member.

I feel broken-hearted for lots of reasons...I haven't seen that side of her in a long time. She hasn't called me names in a few years. I know I have to let her go, and it's killing me. She's choosing homelessness, a backpack, and a BF over a safe place to sleep while she finishes the semester. That is her choice. Why do I feel so bad then? I have been abused and my help has been refused. What have I learned if I still feel so much sadness and regret?

AnvilheadII

What have I learned if I still feel so much sadness and regret?

i'd be concerned if you did NOT feel sad when your child is on such a path, mama!!! gently place her in her HP's hands. hugs.

HopefulmomtoD

I think her behavior just reinforced that you did the right thing. Her behavior also makes me wonder if she is still sober/clean?

There is NO way a non working boyfriend would move into my home. Your home should be your peaceful sanctuary.

I hope you find your serenity soon.

Faithlove

(((GardenMama)))

From what you've said, I think you and your husband were more than fair to your daughter. I hate to talk negatively about her, but please don't let her tantrum get you down. Everything can not always go the way she wants it to.

Put the focus back on you, now. You've done what you could and she didn't accept it. She should have been much kinder when she rejected your offer but I suspect she's stressed and she knows that even if she lashes out at you (although misapplied), she is secure in knowing she can't make you so mad that you would ever stop loving her.

She is lucky to have you for a mama!

Hanna

You were the victim of emotional blackmail.

"Give me what I want and I will be nice. Refuse me and I will hurt you."

She carried out her threat and you survived. You are having bad feeling now but I've recently learned that it is much easier to live with bad feelings than bad choices. You preserved peace and sanity in your home. The bad feelings will pass if you focus on that and recognize that the alternative was even worse feelings and a very big mess.

Hugs and prayers for your family.

GardenMama

Hanna, your comments are SO helpful, especially what I have bolded and the whole idea of it being emotional blackmail. So important for me to name such behaviors for what they actually ARE...and not just feel sad and miserable about my poor lil' feelings.

Thanks to each of you for your recent comments. No word from her since I asked her to leave and take all she needed. I am keeping my distance for as long as I need to.

Hanna

Recognizing manipulation and emotional blackmail has helped me so much. There are a couple of masters of it in my family. I want everyone to be happy and hate saying no. Once I see it for what it is, it loses the power over me.

Also noticed they try less when the realize the jig is up with me. I look into people's eyes while its happening and see something pretty disturbing. Raw selfishness maybe? That look definitely removes my guilt.