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New Here; Could Use Some Understanding?

Old 04-06-2013, 01:57 AM
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Unhappy New Here; Could Use Some Understanding?

Hi everyone. This is my first post, and it will probably be a bit long but I would really appreciate any and all advice/input you guys have.

I met my girlfriend in Nov 2010. We started talking in April of 2011, and started officially dating in Aug 2011. She had gotten out of a bad relationship and I had also left an unhealthy relationship. I did not know at the time, but she was an active user. Social mostly, Opiates, Benzoids, Ambiens, weed here and there. Mainly a weekend thing from what I first understood when we started talking. Around the time we started dating; she got addicted to Fentanyl patches. (She was laid off from a really great job, that she left her previous job for...triggering this) She tried to detox off them and found it to be an impossible feat with the woman who kept providing them to her (her drug dealer for almost 10 years) constantly texting/calling and reaching out to her.

Once I figured out she was badly addicted to them; and begged for her to get clean she had moved into my home with me. I was watching for them, and then of course trouble struck in Dec of 2011. Her drug dealers home was on a stakeout and on her way to meet me at my place one night, she was pulled over after leaving there. They pulled her over for DUI. Thankfully she was a block from my home, and I got there within minutes of her being pulled over. She had hastily taken the pills she had in her pocket when she saw the blue lights (Xanax) but she had 2 brand new Fentanyl patches in the back seat concealed. I was able to stop the search of her vehicle and keep them from finding them (not intentionally b/c I didn't know she had just gotten them). They arrested her, impounded the car and she spent the night in jail and was released. I picked her up the next morning. While she was in jail, I was going thru her overnight bag she had packed to stay the night with me and found Norcos, K4s, Xanaxs, Valiums, and Fentanyl patches. I flushed everything.

Since then she told me she would get clean, and continued on with the patches hidden from me (she moved back out after numerous fights) until July of 2012 when she had a breakdown. She called numbers on the internet wanting help, wanting detox and rehab... but there was nobody to help. Our local mental health is the drug local to be... they'll give you your drug of choice and send you on your way... a joke. So she begged me to take her to the hospital. The hospital admitted her when she told them she was thinking of hurting herself (she had threatened to, and even cut herself when she was going thru horrible withdrawls at home). They kept her 2 days and sent her home without much help, but a place we had called had a bed open the very next day and didn't require payment up front... a detox center.

I took her the next night, she passed (failed) the drug test to be accepted (no suboxone or methadone allowed in your system) and I didn't see her for 6 days. I called daily to get info, and they always just said she was doing well. She attended NA meetings while there and when she came out... was AMAZING. The woman I fell in love with. She came home and moved in, and decided she wanted to start immediately going to NA meetings. She did, 4-5 a week. But I could feel something changing. She relapsed a month later when her Nanny passed away. We've drifted apart. I'm madly in love with her but I hurt. Why would she keep doing this? I understand it's not her. I know it's her addiction... but it still hurts ME just the same to see her this way.

3 months after her Nanny passed she went to our local Vocational Rehabilitation center to get back into the job force and to get into a 28 day rehab program the state offers free. She had been out of work and on unemployment since June of 2012. They tested her, sent her for a drug test (tested clean) and even has sent her to a counselor for her mental health issues we have uncovered. Turns out my girlfriend has severe schizophrenia, depression and is now currently on medications. Once the medications are working, she will be sent to rehab. (Probably in the next 3 weeks to a month since they just had to up her doses.)

Since she took her drug test for voc rehab tho, she slipped and tried Meth. I knew something was wrong, couldn't figure it out and finally she admitted it when one night she was asleep I went thru her wallet and found her stuff. Her straw, her blade, her empty baggies. I flipped, and demanded she tell her counselors but she won't. I don't know if I should. She has to be clean to get into rehab. That was in January. In Feb we signed a 1 year lease on a new home together, about 30 minutes from all of our friends, family and suppliers. I have put a block on her phone to block out all of her prior drug contacts from reaching her, and I reported most of them to the police with 2 big drug busts having already occurred. Where she could get her Fentanyl is now completely impossible. But, both of her sisters are on drugs; one prescribed Xanax which she abuses BADLY, and the other goes to a Suboxone clinic and sells off 60 strips a month. Some of which she used to sell to my girlfriend. >.<

I've found 3 Suboxone strips in her wallets, 2 blades, and 1 straw since we've lived her. She claims they were in there when she moved her stuff from her Mom's but I just have this unsettling feeling in my belly. I really want her to be clean, but I know I can't do it for her. I can't love her to do it. And now, to be honest... I'm mean. I'm angry. I'm not showing her the love I used to. She is upset with me, especially after going on to her counselor that I don't show her any love and her counselor told her that we are in an abusive relationship and that I am emotionally abusing her. That broke my heart. I pay all of my bills, our bills and HER bills. I helped her with all of the court issued things she's had to do, helped her pay her DUI lawyer, buy her things all the time as little gifts for being sober, and normally never tell her "No."

The problem is, in the beginning... I LOVED on her. I loved on her everywhere, couldn't keep my arms from wrapping around her on the couch, she was always 110% of my attention. Now... I don't reach out, I'm mean when she reaches out to me, and I'm just very angry inside. I know without a doubt I am in love with this woman, and I do still love her. I know that addiction is not her fault, she was raised in an environment full of it; her Dad and both of her sisters are addicts. I also know a lot of my issues is that during this whole battle with her addiction, that I feel like I've been running with her... my Mom started battling breast cancer, and lost. My Mom passed away last July and I literally have nobody left. So I feel like I lost my Mom to breast cancer and my girlfriend to her addiction.

I've been reading and I feel like I am codependent, and I think it suits me to a T. I know her rehab will have lots of family oriented things, and her mother is an enabler and she won't like sitting thru the mandatory 1 hour family session before visiting time about enabling and etc, so she won't visit her. Her sisters have already been put on the "Not Allowed" list since they are users, I will be the only one to go... but I look forward to it. I do!

I know I need to find help and seek a counselor myself for my depression with losing my Mom... but where would I find the help I need for my codependency addiction with my girlfriend? I want to show her I love her, and I believe in her... but it's SO hard to not just EXPECT something bad to happen again. I don't want to negative her into using again... Please... any words?

Thank you for just reading... I know it's a long one. <3
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Old 04-06-2013, 02:14 AM
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Hi, iv just read your post. I am not in a place to offer advice, I am only day 3 of recovery, but your post touched me, I just wanted to say that I will pray for you both (even if your not religious! God loves everyone) there are lots of lovely people on this site who will be able to offer you advice. Lots of love & blessings x
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Old 04-06-2013, 02:45 AM
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Fruity;
Thank you for your prayers but most importantly... good luck and congratulations on making it to day 3... every single day is a step in the right direction for you! I'm here to learn, absorb, learn some more and change. Change is what will set us all free from the patterns of destruction. I wish you the best on your journey!
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Old 04-06-2013, 06:20 AM
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Welcome Beemers. I am sorry for your sadness and glad you found us, we truly understand your pain as each one of us has experienced the pain of watching a loved one self-destruct. Some of our loved ones find recovery and keep it, some (like my son) go on for years and years and disappear into the dark world of addiction, and some die. Sadly, we have lost a lot of loved ones here who just didn't make it to the recovery road.

But there is hope, for her and for you. She alone can alter her path, nothing you do can control how or when that may happen. If love could do it, not one of us would be here.

And there is hope for you too. You can find peace in your heart and balance again, and the ability to make good choices for yourself.

Take a read around, especially the stickies at the top of this forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there.

Please know you are not alone, we are walking with you no matter what you choose for your future.

Hugs
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Old 04-06-2013, 08:53 AM
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Welcome to SR....unfortunately every single person here can relate to what you are experiencing.

There are lots of great programs to help you with codependency (Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and CoDA to NA, to name a few). Counseling is also helpful. Reading here on SR will help.

Through working a 12-step program myself (which is likely a similar program to that your gf will experience in rehab) I learned compassion for addicts, I learned how to "say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean". I learned how to detach with love....not with anger. And I learned the language of recovery so that I could relate to my son's experiences in rehab and beyond. It provides us with a common language--not so that I can manage his recovery but so that I can understand that I only control my own.

It was a lot of hard work, but it was worth it. I am worth it.....and so are you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 04-06-2013, 09:45 AM
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Hi Beemer, . sorry for what brings you here.

to this day I still can't figure out how to link to another thread, so I suggest you find the Co vs Counter dependent thread. it's a few down from this post. your pendulum swung from overly enmeshed (Come Here) to hostile and angry (Go Away). it might help to read how that happens - perhaps you will identify a bit?
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Old 04-06-2013, 10:06 AM
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Hey Beemer. You've been through a lot. Phew!

I've been going to Al Anon nearly daily for the last two months. It is REALLY helping me.

You sound like you're in a place of willingness and maybe some desperation (like I was!) to do something to help yourself feel better.

Can't hurt to give al anon or the other support groups mentioned above a try, ya know?

Go to at least 6 meetings to give it a fair shot and try different meetings in your area to see of there's one you like best.

I'm lucky to live in an area where there are oodles of meetings within 15 miles of my house. So see what you can do.

Things can definitely get better for you as you start focusing in you and helping yourself. Hang in there and keep coming back to read and post on the forum. You're amongst friends who understand here.
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Old 04-06-2013, 01:29 PM
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Hi Beemer,
Welcome to SR.

It sounds like you've been trying like crazy to hold everything together for her, to keep her from the consequences of her drug use. Most of us have found, like you are learning, that doesn't work and only causes more turmoil for everyone.

There is so much help here on this forum. Read, Post and keep coming back. You'll find alot of knowledge here.

Sorry you are going through this but glad you found Sober Recovery.

Peace,
Hanna
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Old 04-07-2013, 01:16 PM
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Beemer,

Many of the things you described in your post sounded like me when I was with my addict exbf. Buying sweet gifts for sobriety, hoping for a clean day for my addict, wishing for the person I fell in love with to come back, relapsing, becoming angry, acting distant, not being my usual lovey self! I came to the point where I was not internally happy with myself!!

THAT is when you know it is time for you to get away. Your addict gf IS a human just as we are and she is CAPABLE of everything that you have done for her. You must stop enabling her. Enabling a DA, in reality, hurts them in the long term. If you love her as you say you do... you will STOP. If that means that she ends up on the streets, if that means she makes you out to be the worst person possible, SO BE IT. SHE CAN MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS.

I advise you to start making decisions for YOU and not for the 'us' factor or for her.... I am a little under two months sober from my relationship with an addict. I STILL have my down days but my UP DAYS are far outweighing the anxiety and stress I felt while being/staying in the relationship. I have had PEACE even after the FIRST day of being out of the relationship. Peace has been the most important factor for me for NOT going back. You will get anxiety thinking about her well being for awhile but after time passes you will learn that we are ALL capable of our OWN choices.

I pray for the beginning of your healing!!! I promise it is SUCH a beautiful thing!!! It makes for a very grateful mindset!
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Old 04-07-2013, 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by chickady View Post
Beemer,

Many of the things you described in your post sounded like me when I was with my addict exbf. Buying sweet gifts for sobriety, hoping for a clean day for my addict, wishing for the person I fell in love with to come back, relapsing, becoming angry, acting distant, not being my usual lovey self! I came to the point where I was not internally happy with myself!!

THAT is when you know it is time for you to get away. Your addict gf IS a human just as we are and she is CAPABLE of everything that you have done for her. You must stop enabling her. Enabling a DA, in reality, hurts them in the long term. If you love her as you say you do... you will STOP. If that means that she ends up on the streets, if that means she makes you out to be the worst person possible, SO BE IT. SHE CAN MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS.

I advise you to start making decisions for YOU and not for the 'us' factor or for her.... I am a little under two months sober from my relationship with an addict. I STILL have my down days but my UP DAYS are far outweighing the anxiety and stress I felt while being/staying in the relationship. I have had PEACE even after the FIRST day of being out of the relationship. Peace has been the most important factor for me for NOT going back. You will get anxiety thinking about her well being for awhile but after time passes you will learn that we are ALL capable of our OWN choices.

I pray for the beginning of your healing!!! I promise it is SUCH a beautiful thing!!! It makes for a very grateful mindset!
Awesome, awesome post, chickady - very inspiring. Thanks for sharing this - it's just what I needed to hear today!
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Old 04-07-2013, 04:17 PM
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Thank you all so much for your kind & hopeful words, both for myself and for her. Reading is one of my favorite hobbies, and you can believe that I have been reading lots of things here on SR, and will definitely look at all the things you guys suggested! That is actually where I found the word "codependency" from! I knew I had all those feelings but didn't know it was an actual word/thing! So SO nice to have a name for the way I feel!

I've actually brought it up to the girlfriend as well, explained codependency a little and explained that I can't be expected to do this journey for her. Explained that by her asking and expecting me to call her caseworker for the past 2 weeks she's asked me to do (which I haven't done because that place in my stomach has told me to make her do it herself) and she agreed that she should really do it and says she will call in the morning. This call is very important to her rehab and mental health doctors next visit next week, so I'm glad she is going to handle it tomorrow herself. I'll update if she does.

I've been very interested in checking into Nar-Anon for myself but I only have one meeting in my area (if you could call it that) and it's 45 minutes away one way. It meets once a week, and although I'm always off that day from work; just having a sitter to make it once a week might be hard. I wish there was some online meetings, I could attend those much easier. I really want to go, but at the same time; I'm not sure if I could drive that AND find a sitter at the same time. I might try!

I know you all have been there, done that; so to speak... and that's why I felt I could come here and talk to you guys. I feel like my girlfriend and I have been thru the roughest patch already and I really hope that this 28 day rehab will be the start of a new beginning. I know it can be a rough ride; she's been on drugs since she was 14 after a rape incident (11 years now) but she never really was addicted like she was on the Fentanyl. It was more of a social thing. Her counselors say they feel like her now being confirmed schizophrenic (the drugs took away the voices she had constantly heard) that with the proper medication (she is currently on, and no voices... yay!) she has a very high likelihood of recovering from her addiction. I pray they are right.

Thank you all so much, and I look forward to hearing all you guys can offer. I know it won't all be nice, but I also know you speak from your experiences.. and will hold no harm to it. Learning things about yourself is never easy, and wanting to protect those you love is also a normal thing.. but my Mom always told me that the truth hurts.

PS. LOVE the quote KindEyes! Might have that one put on vinyl for our house!
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Old 04-07-2013, 04:58 PM
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Something to keep in mind -- even though you are dealing with addiction, you are welcome to attend Al Anon meetings. I'm in that same boat.

There are usually more of those in areas than Nar Anon and they even offer babysitting at some meetings. Keep up the great work!

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Old 04-07-2013, 07:40 PM
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Thank you ShineBright! I will look into Al-Anon meetings in the area and see if there are more options!
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