EnglishGarden

OuttoLunch, CynicalOne, Nytepassion, DollyDo, and the other truth-tellers who were here so regularly for so long a time:

I sure miss you.

If you are still reading the forum, I thank you for your hard work, your thousands of responses to people who post on this forum in confusion, denial, delusion, and endless rationalization. (I was one of them).

You are probably exhausted from all that service you gave to so many who did not want to hear what you had to say, defended their unhealthy lifestyles and relationships, and took offense at every hard truth about addiction you told.

But for years I read your posts, and I have a bound notebook of all the printouts I made of your truth-telling, and I still read it, on shaky days. It will never go in the recycle bin. I will never again invite an addict into my life and heart, but on the painful days, when I do that codependent spiral thing that takes me down every time--"Maybe I just wasn't good enough, fun enough or pretty enough to make him love me better"--I go for my notebook and I get clear again about addicts.

I have attended Al-Anon for years. I thought I knew recovery. But I didn't. I met a longtime recovering cocaine/heroin addict with lots of chips in his pocket but an inability to treat me with the most basic respect. My gut-level education about the effects addicts have on my fragile psyche came from that very painful experience with him and from your words which pulled me out of my dark and deluded muck.

Wherever you are tonight, I hope you are well. I hope the people in your lives are trustworthy and kind, do not lie, do not cheat, do not abandon, do not flip personality overnight, and do not make you feel less than beautiful.

CynicalOne, before you removed your blog, I printed out so many of those articles and now they are all messed up with yellow and pink highlighter. You gave me an incredible gift. The articles told the truth about addicts, about addiction, about relationship which always dies under the dark cloud of drug and alcohol abuse, and I treasure this material. It helps me understand what happened to me. I was powerless. I tried to bargain with addiction and to defend the addict's behavior as coming from another place--maybe ADHD, maybe shame, maybe insecurity--but in the end, it's always addiction that rises to the top.

OuttoLunch, you always told posters that they had to face reality and stop living under the illusion of romantic fantasy about the addict. You knew that anybody on drugs is a walking, talking con artist. A fake. But the new poster did not want to hear it. There were always sharp comments from newcomers. "Why are you so negative?" they asked all of you. They thought they knew something about addiction, having dated a crack addict for six weeks.

I miss you all so much. Like all messengers, you got shot at a lot.

Thank you. Peace to you all.

I hope you come back again one day.

Lily1918

LoveMeNow

When I first joined here a little over a year ago, I just wanted to complain about my husband and his addiction. I was in complete denial about myself. I just wanted support, compassion and more enabling....not the truth.

These awesome ladies (Anvil too) showed me what I could not see. My anxiety would shoot sky high when I saw one of them had replied. I was almost scared to read it. The truth was painful but necessary.

I thank you all for helping me (sometimes pushing me) onto the right path. The wisdom you shared was not wasted, your words have changed me forever and I am eternally grateful.

Miss you all and continue to pray for your return.

wicked

EnglishGarden, I must second the emotion.
I miss these posters too.
They all had an equally effective way of making a point.
I looked forward to their responses, they were soothing and always sent the same message to me. Leave the addict alone.

EnglishGarden,

I have been meaning to say to you how much I look forward to and read every word of your posts. You write so well, and tell your story with true emotion and empathy.
Thank you for being here.

Beth

Wing

English Garden, you are right. They are very helpful by telling the ugly truth. I joined last year and I liked it whenever they commented on my post to wake me up from my dream and fantasy... But finally, I fell into the trap again and got back to the exbf to experience all the chai again from Aug to 3 weeks ago. I regretted that I stopped reading as I truly believed that he got much better than before ... Silly me.

Now I'm back to here again... But English Garden, u help a lot too!!! You have been comforting me and supporting me a lot with your replies. I sincerely thank you and appreaciated so much that u have been always helping the new comers.

I dunno what to do if I didn't find this forum.

Hugs to u all

Justfor1

I am all for in telling people what they need to hear. However, for some, I believe they need compassion & understanding. Telling people that their loved ones are monsters who are insane when drinking & drugging can be overwhelming for people to hear. Also, people don't always respond to the "tough advice" & I am pretty sure many new posters here at SR left before gaining any real insight.

laurie6781

To JF1 and others:

Wed have a sticky about exactly what you were just saying:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html

I learned early during my recovery from my addictions from both my sponsor and her husband when I 'complained' that they were 'being mean'. Here is what they said:

1) "If I baby you I bury your."

2) "I will risk your friendship to save your life."

Here in the friends and family sections we have learned:

"to say what we mean, mean what say, and not say it meanly."

(((((English Garden)))))

What a beautiful tribute!!!!

Please know that I too look forward to your shares. They have much ES&H that you freely give!!!!!

We all share our ES&H in that maybe, just maybe someone new to our forums will not have to go through the hell we as loved ones of an A have gone through, yet alone the hell us sober and clean A's have gone through. There are a lot of us on the friend and family forums that are 'double winners.'

Let's all keep sharing so that we all may dig deeper and find our inner selves!

Love and hugs,

LoveMeNow

With all due respect justfor1, I can understand why you may feel as you do because of your own struggles with addictions but I have never read anyone use the word monster.

The posters who may or may not leave just may not be ready to hear or read the truth. Many of us are in denial or simply ignorant about addiction and believe we can love some enough to make them stop. We will try anything to help until we are completely broken and hit our own bottom.

Also, as for compassion, I clearly remember reading how you wanted a homeless man suffering from addiction who stole money from an AA jar to pay a very dear price, including physical violence. Are you feeling regretful about how felt at the time? Are you feeling more compassion and understanding now?

Lastly, this thread is a tribute to many who have helped so many of us. I am confused why felt the need to make such a negative post here.

Justfor1

lovemenow, I wasn't trying to be negative. I was just stating that not everyone responds to the same approach. Addiction is very complex & like other illnesses has different stages. Peoples loved ones are in different stages, therefore, have different experiences.

allforcnm

Just for One: I just wanted to add that I also appreciate YOUR posts. I think that you are also a truth-teller, and I have found much wisdom in your posts. This is a tribute page, but it has also gone beyond that. I think everyone here tells the truth as they see it. Thanks to diversity we all see’ things differently, and since there is no exact method to handling addiction, no one is ever wrong, especially if we share from our OWN experiences. Things are changing in the world of addiction medicine, and many concepts for dealing with addiction treatment and recovery are changing and evolving. Many professional organizations, and doctors who are at the core of addiction and recovery, advise family to participate in efforts to help their loved ones, so this is not a fallacy. But they also caution to balance efforts with your own health and welfare in mind. This is where I feel it is helpful when people come to SR and they see that diversity between hard and soft posters who share their experiences. It allows the newcomer to understand they are important, and they have personal choice in how they move forward in regards to the decisions and challenges they face when dealing with their addicted loved one. Hopefully the newcomer will find a balance that many here did not attain in the beginning.

Kindeyes

I miss all of those mentioned as well. I hope that they are just taking a needed break and will return to share more in the future. A good friend to me is someone who can tell me the truth I need to hear.....not the the words I want to hear.....and do so because they truly care about me. I believe with all of their often very blunt truth, it was always done with caring hearts.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

Englishgarden,

I sincerely apologize for my contribution in derailing your thread. I do believe it was meant to be a tribute to the posters with such impressive wisdom and ESH. (I would include you amongst these posters, as well).

Thank you for this thread and the acknowledgement of these posters. They are missed by many!

Ann

I learn from every member here, old timer and newcomer alike.

Over the years I have seen members come and members go and members who have left come back, and I learn from each one of them.

Sometimes members have good reason for leaving and it isn't because anyone here didn't respect their posts or learn from them. Sometimes it is for their own safety, if they have been found here. Sometimes they feel a need to move on to a different recovery base. Sometimes they change their name for good reason and for those same reasons, don't tell anyone here. Sometimes they look in every day and just don't post because they don't want to right now.

It is a good thing we don't all post alike. If we did we would only see one way of looking at things and only hear a few experiences shared. I don't like everyone I meet and not everyone who meets me likes me. But I can learn from them just the same. And I can learn respect for a point of view that may differ from mine.

I think it's very nice to remember those who went before us, I do it every day and say "thank you" in my heart. But only they can tell us why they left and when or if they will return.

In the meantime I am grateful for the lessons left by all who have walked with me, and I wish them well on their journey from here.

Hugs

shinebright7

Yesterday we focused in tradition 12 in our al anon group. About how anonymity is our spiritual principle and foundation.

Someone read something about how when we attach a name or face to the share it might make us take that share more seriously or not.

And someone else shared that she often closes her eyes so she can stop focusing on what the person looks like or what she thinks about that person and just hear their share.

I haven't been here long enough to know those who are being appreciated in this thread -- cynical one left shortly after I arrived...

But I definitely appreciate those who have come before me -- and that this forum had been so well established by so many of you who have come and left or are still here or came back.

I've been on some less established forums and it's just...different.

This resource is tremendous and I'm really grateful to be a part of this community.

Lots of love and gratitude vibes winging their way to those mentioned on this thread and those not.

~~~~~~~~<3~~~~~~<3~~~~~~~~<3~~~~~~~

CanfixONLYme

Although i was/ am one of the few that didn't take to "tough love" posters, i truly believe that we are Blessed to be able to come on this forum, to witness all people's shares and voices. It's the same for us as for addicts - we all find our "health" in our own way, on our own journey - whatever form that may take. It's nice to see others appreciated and for everyone to be able to have their own opinions.

Hugs to all!

Hanna

So thankful for all the people that contribute here. So many people have helped me over the 3 years that I've been coming and going, including those listed.

One beautiful thing here is to see people growing and filling the shoes of someone that is not here today for whatever reason.

It's like we're all a bunch of flowers growing taller. There's no limit to the Experience Strength and Hope because we all keep getting more each day.

And we have a little of everything going on. So many different types of experience and different walks of life. When someone new comes it is guaranteed that someone that came before them had a similar experience and can help them walk through it. If one approach doesn't work for someone, another approach might.

There have been times when just being able to open the door and "say welcome, we're here, we've been there and we're making it through, come on in" has been such a blessing to me. I often get very emotional about typing that first welcome message, even though my words are pretty much the same each time. It's a gift to be able to write it because I remember how much love, support and hope I felt that first time I posted. I love that even a brand new poster can welcome someone walking in the door here - "I just got here but I'm already feeling better."

everyone.

Marshmallow

I don’t recognize any of the names mentioned, but since Ive been here the site has been very helpful to me overall. I like the posters who talk about their own experiences, and share their opinions when asked. But I don’t appreciate, connect or absorb much from the people who try to tell me they have the one and only answer or the one and only truth, based on their own beliefs, recovery method, or their own experiences. If it was that simple, then there would have been a mass solution decades ago.

cynical one

English Garden,

Thank you for your kind eulogy, I tried to PM you…however I need 5 posts to be able to do so. I too have learned from you and have enjoyed your eloquent style of writing. It’s been a pleasure to watch your recovery shine as you pass it on to others.
I’m sorry if this is the message you received from me over the past 8 years. Never once have I thought addicts are monsters, and I’m sure I’ve never used that word when referring to their side. And, insanity…nah I see that much more on our side.
LOL. Nor is this concept anything new. Family involvement has been tested since Bill W., it reemerged again back in the 80’s with the crack epidemic, and then again in the late 90’s/early 00’s when all the “professional interventionists” saw that there is big money in addiction treatment and came out of the woodwork. There’s even some quack on the west coast that says he can cure addiction though he is still a chronic relapser himself. Knowing this…his daddy bought him a rehab.

Kindeyes

Well......speak of the devil......lol......good to see you back Cynical One!

Kindeyes

Ever? Speaking for myself and my own experiences.......I have been known to be wrong. lol

gentle hugs
ke