Please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
Please help
So I have had no contact. I am sure he hasn't been served yet. But this just popped in my email. I didn't even mean to open it really. I was kinda shocked i was seeing it.
"I wish you would tell me what is happening with you and the girls........why won';t you answer my messages or calls? How is it possible that you have built up this much hatred for me? Please understand that I am not trying to say that I am innocent, but really......I am trying to keep this business alive and you refuse to help me in any way. I just don't get it. Your opinions of me and this shop are very extreme! All is not as is seems! I really feel like you are picking me apart piece by piece. I am not a degenerate piece of **** and I love you and the girls...... while you roll your eyes and call me a liar while you get furious I would like you think about this-- are you being fair? If you want out of our relationship, don't use my perceived flaws as an excuse---I have never highlighted your flaws and thrown them in your face to hurt you, I have never focused on your shortcomings to build discontempt for you, and finally-- I have NEVER judged you or backed away from you in your time of need-- never. So while you stomp away from your computer cursing my very name and the sight of my face remember this-- I love you and would do anything I can to help you, and have always forgiven you for your shortcomings-- Can you say the same?"
I thought that I was doing so well...
Now I am so heart broken....
"I wish you would tell me what is happening with you and the girls........why won';t you answer my messages or calls? How is it possible that you have built up this much hatred for me? Please understand that I am not trying to say that I am innocent, but really......I am trying to keep this business alive and you refuse to help me in any way. I just don't get it. Your opinions of me and this shop are very extreme! All is not as is seems! I really feel like you are picking me apart piece by piece. I am not a degenerate piece of **** and I love you and the girls...... while you roll your eyes and call me a liar while you get furious I would like you think about this-- are you being fair? If you want out of our relationship, don't use my perceived flaws as an excuse---I have never highlighted your flaws and thrown them in your face to hurt you, I have never focused on your shortcomings to build discontempt for you, and finally-- I have NEVER judged you or backed away from you in your time of need-- never. So while you stomp away from your computer cursing my very name and the sight of my face remember this-- I love you and would do anything I can to help you, and have always forgiven you for your shortcomings-- Can you say the same?"
I thought that I was doing so well...
Now I am so heart broken....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Breathe..........
When I filed for divorce, my XAH did everything he could to try to get me to change my mind.......EXCEPT it was a little too little.....a little too late. I spent five years trying to get him to work WITH me on our marriage but it was painfully obvious that that wasn't going to happen. Once I filed, the promises, the accusations, the tears, the pleading, and the harassment.....all came at me full force. Thank God there wasn't text or email back then!
I hope you have considered getting a good therapist to help you unravel yourself....I wish I had done that at the time. I didn't handle things well back then and I think that a good therapist could have guided me to a much healthier mindset.
I'm sorry that this is so painful for you. Take time to nurture yourself and keep yourself healthy.
gentle hugs
ke
When I filed for divorce, my XAH did everything he could to try to get me to change my mind.......EXCEPT it was a little too little.....a little too late. I spent five years trying to get him to work WITH me on our marriage but it was painfully obvious that that wasn't going to happen. Once I filed, the promises, the accusations, the tears, the pleading, and the harassment.....all came at me full force. Thank God there wasn't text or email back then!
I hope you have considered getting a good therapist to help you unravel yourself....I wish I had done that at the time. I didn't handle things well back then and I think that a good therapist could have guided me to a much healthier mindset.
I'm sorry that this is so painful for you. Take time to nurture yourself and keep yourself healthy.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
go back and read some of your posts about what life was REALLY like with him........
this part is priceless "i love you and would do anything to help you"
EXCEPT of course stuff like quitting drugs, or porn or whatever other twisted crap he had going on..........
this part is priceless "i love you and would do anything to help you"
EXCEPT of course stuff like quitting drugs, or porn or whatever other twisted crap he had going on..........
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Oh he thinks there's a problem and he'd like you to believe the problem is you...and it's not. Blaming you means he doesn't have to own his own behaviour and everything he has done.
I'm sorry you had to read that. I'm sorry it wasn't a nice letter at all.
Because he says it doesn't make it so. Remember that.
Hugs
I'm sorry you had to read that. I'm sorry it wasn't a nice letter at all.
Because he says it doesn't make it so. Remember that.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
It isn't necessary for him to see there is a problem, fortunately. It would be terrific but you KNOW there is a problem and have a determined course of action. His words mean nothing at this point.
The sad part is that he's blown it with a beautiful wife and two great kids.
After weeks of being blamed for everything by an addict ex, I finally told him I was happy to take the blame. That it didn't matter to me what he said it thought. I wasn't changing my mind about wanting him out, nor did I care to discuss it with him. He looked utterly shocked and really couldn't say much of anything. Nothing left to argue about.
Granted, a very different situation and very short relationship, but it felt very powerful to just agree.
Kind if like the self-defense moves where your move toward the person instead of pulling away.
The sad part is that he's blown it with a beautiful wife and two great kids.
After weeks of being blamed for everything by an addict ex, I finally told him I was happy to take the blame. That it didn't matter to me what he said it thought. I wasn't changing my mind about wanting him out, nor did I care to discuss it with him. He looked utterly shocked and really couldn't say much of anything. Nothing left to argue about.
Granted, a very different situation and very short relationship, but it felt very powerful to just agree.
Kind if like the self-defense moves where your move toward the person instead of pulling away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I don't know your situation. No contact is super hard with children, but keep them safe.
My xah had the audacity to tell me that all he was trying to do was support his family...he said this as he was walking up the steps to his *****. My x also, after the divorce, told me that I turned my back on him. I was FLOORED! I begged that cheating, lying, addict back into our home and he ignored and abandoned. Also, addiction is not a flaw. I think he is just trying to make you feel guilty. He is angry, and I am sure feeling pain as well. Honestly, there is no reason to even analyze his quacking. If he is using and unhealthy...and not willing to get healthy...goodbye.
Do what is healthy for you and your family. No contact really is best. Just delete the email.
I am sorry for your pain. Many blessings!
My xah had the audacity to tell me that all he was trying to do was support his family...he said this as he was walking up the steps to his *****. My x also, after the divorce, told me that I turned my back on him. I was FLOORED! I begged that cheating, lying, addict back into our home and he ignored and abandoned. Also, addiction is not a flaw. I think he is just trying to make you feel guilty. He is angry, and I am sure feeling pain as well. Honestly, there is no reason to even analyze his quacking. If he is using and unhealthy...and not willing to get healthy...goodbye.
Do what is healthy for you and your family. No contact really is best. Just delete the email.
I am sorry for your pain. Many blessings!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
Thank you all, I know when I read your words they ring true. Not his. I have read many stories on this forum about the addict blames you. I guess i never realized how bad that hurts.
I am trying to work on me.. And have been reading furiously leading up to this about codie's. ie. me. I thought I would be more prepared when it hit the fan!
He knows how to rip my heart out. That is for sure!!
I guess maybe in the back of my mind that I thought he might say "ok i/we have problems and i am willing to do what it takes to get well"
When I got ZERo of that I guess it hit harder than I thought. It makes me sad
Ann, I wish i hadn't read that... to
I am trying to work on me.. And have been reading furiously leading up to this about codie's. ie. me. I thought I would be more prepared when it hit the fan!
He knows how to rip my heart out. That is for sure!!
I guess maybe in the back of my mind that I thought he might say "ok i/we have problems and i am willing to do what it takes to get well"
When I got ZERo of that I guess it hit harder than I thought. It makes me sad
Ann, I wish i hadn't read that... to
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
I guess maybe in the back of my mind that I thought he might say "ok i/we have problems and i am willing to do what it takes to get well"
When I got ZERo of that I guess it hit harder than I thought. It makes me sad
When I got ZERo of that I guess it hit harder than I thought. It makes me sad
It is too slippery of a slope for me to get attached to my hopes/prayers. So I am leaving it all to God. I'm not going to pray to God to do anything with my husband other than His own will.
I know it is so hard when we secretly hope things will be one way and then they aren't. But...this too shall pass and you're doing so great focusing on you and coming to the boards here to share and get support and refocus your attention where it really belongs.
Hang in there. Do something fun with your kids tonight to take your mind off things. You all deserve to feel good and enjoy your night. xo
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
A RA wrote a very interesting post that rang do true to me.
She basically said every addict wants their drugs, their wife, their kids, and their home. It continues to feed their addiction by telling themselves....see everything is fine. "I have this under control."
You just rocked the boat ( his addiction). He has to blame you or he has to admit his addiction is a problem. You are the easy answer!
Sorry for your pain but you are truly an inspiration to so many.
She basically said every addict wants their drugs, their wife, their kids, and their home. It continues to feed their addiction by telling themselves....see everything is fine. "I have this under control."
You just rocked the boat ( his addiction). He has to blame you or he has to admit his addiction is a problem. You are the easy answer!
Sorry for your pain but you are truly an inspiration to so many.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
I've also just filed for divorce from my husband due to his meth use. He's angry at me and seems to have the same mindset as your husband, that WE are the ones abandoning them, etc. etc. Reading the posts on this forum were so helpful in knowing what to expect, but like you said, it still hurts a lot.
Hang in there. You know that it's impossible to have a happy, healthy marriage with drugs involved. It was his choice to use, to lie, and to disappear. Now he has to face the consequences of those actions. Take care of yourself and your kids. Remember, you are not alone.
Hugs
Hang in there. You know that it's impossible to have a happy, healthy marriage with drugs involved. It was his choice to use, to lie, and to disappear. Now he has to face the consequences of those actions. Take care of yourself and your kids. Remember, you are not alone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
LMN hit it right on:
I WANT ALL THE GOODIES BUT I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR THEM!
-You just rocked his world.Good for you.What a joke of a communication---throwing
all of it back AT YOU.
Like I said,good for you.Not everyone has the strength to NOT CASH IN this
worthless scrip......hey/I just thought of a new "valeism" (as LMN calls them....)
<<<<<<<PERFORMANCE IS CASH,WORDS ARE TRASH>>>>>>>>>>>
(if anyone puts this on a t-shirt....I want royalties!)(or at least a kickback!)
I WANT ALL THE GOODIES BUT I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR THEM!
-You just rocked his world.Good for you.What a joke of a communication---throwing
all of it back AT YOU.
Like I said,good for you.Not everyone has the strength to NOT CASH IN this
worthless scrip......hey/I just thought of a new "valeism" (as LMN calls them....)
<<<<<<<PERFORMANCE IS CASH,WORDS ARE TRASH>>>>>>>>>>>
(if anyone puts this on a t-shirt....I want royalties!)(or at least a kickback!)
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
and have always forgiven you for your shortcomings-- Can you say the same?
The false equivalence that he transparently attempt to draw here is hysterically funny, equating your "shortcomings" with his addiction. What's even better is the pseudo/quasi magnanimity when he mentions he's always forgiven you for your shortcomings. I mean, what a guy.
If you have *****, considering creating a filter so that every time one of his emails pops up, it goes in the trash. Because although what I've quoted above is funny in a dark humor sort of way, it's also the product of a manipulative mind, and this is unapologetic manipulation he's trying to pull here. Don't take the bait.
As far as your emotional distress, BlueHolly, it sucks, and I wish it weren't so. But you're doing better than you think you are. Reaching out and sharing this shows you're not isolating, which is important. As long as you keep doing the right things, moment by moment, you will get through this.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
yeah...my ex, when reality hit, re: when I would make the effort to escape the madness by separating from him...would start to "attempt" to hit just a little below the belt...as in "my shortcomings"
one of his things on the list would be that he wondered about my "eating"
okay...so I yoyo a bit, 10 lbs up and down over several months. mind you I'm not a skinny minnie...I'm 5'7" and weigh between 145 and 155...okay ladies, y'all KNOW that is pretty fekkin normal. but he would assume that was an "issue" for me and try to use it as a bargaining/deflection chip.
sorry buddy but my highly developed appreciation for ice cream, and my lifestyle that includes occasional stress periods of high activity that don't leave much time for exercise...do not, I repeat DO NOT equate with days long binges on crack benders!!!
This is part of the roller coaster ride.
If you listen you start to consider paying the price for another ride!!
Mine once told me that "I couldn't handle his recovery" after I had told him I was sick to death of crack. Yep, he got me, I took the ride again.
After some time and distance these sorts of emails don't phase you anymore.
They just are what they are, part of addiction.
I pray and wish for your speed in the direction toward peace and clarity.
one of his things on the list would be that he wondered about my "eating"
okay...so I yoyo a bit, 10 lbs up and down over several months. mind you I'm not a skinny minnie...I'm 5'7" and weigh between 145 and 155...okay ladies, y'all KNOW that is pretty fekkin normal. but he would assume that was an "issue" for me and try to use it as a bargaining/deflection chip.
sorry buddy but my highly developed appreciation for ice cream, and my lifestyle that includes occasional stress periods of high activity that don't leave much time for exercise...do not, I repeat DO NOT equate with days long binges on crack benders!!!
This is part of the roller coaster ride.
If you listen you start to consider paying the price for another ride!!
Mine once told me that "I couldn't handle his recovery" after I had told him I was sick to death of crack. Yep, he got me, I took the ride again.
After some time and distance these sorts of emails don't phase you anymore.
They just are what they are, part of addiction.
I pray and wish for your speed in the direction toward peace and clarity.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I had a filter set if email comes from abusing.family.member******.com my email program threw it in my spam folder. I never look there!
That email could have been written by my sister and former best friend. I abandoned her, she had no part in it (despite the fact I'd gone to the hospital twice to document her physical abuse of me). Even though I had specifically requested it not be reported on the first visit I had a mild case of whiplash and hand marks on my shoulders several days later was determined reportable. Still, all my fault. The more she blamed me the more I hurt and believed it was my fault. Even months after going no contact this morning my head was playing her messages of how crappy a person I am
It has been over six months and if I never see her again the better. Every time I got one of these emails the back of my brain would start playing the messages all over again.
Please trash or mark sender as spam for your own mental health. Once you have been notified he's been served send a single line email stating all communications should now go through your attorney. That way later he can't blame you if you refuse to answer him.
Sending soft hugs your way.
That email could have been written by my sister and former best friend. I abandoned her, she had no part in it (despite the fact I'd gone to the hospital twice to document her physical abuse of me). Even though I had specifically requested it not be reported on the first visit I had a mild case of whiplash and hand marks on my shoulders several days later was determined reportable. Still, all my fault. The more she blamed me the more I hurt and believed it was my fault. Even months after going no contact this morning my head was playing her messages of how crappy a person I am
It has been over six months and if I never see her again the better. Every time I got one of these emails the back of my brain would start playing the messages all over again.
Please trash or mark sender as spam for your own mental health. Once you have been notified he's been served send a single line email stating all communications should now go through your attorney. That way later he can't blame you if you refuse to answer him.
Sending soft hugs your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
You guys! I was having some serious anxiety this morning... I hadn't checked this thread since early last night... When I got up and read this I felt sssooo much better!
I want to respond to each of you!! You don't know how much what all of you have said helped pick me up out of my hole this morning! I know you all are right!
I did want to tell shine,
Yes, I did quite praying for him... I totally get what you are saying.. It is in Gods hands now. He will do what He will. God knows how I feel so I don't think I have to tell Him every day. I just don't have the energy anymore to do that!
And Zoso,
You make me laugh a little on the inside... I get dark humor and you are right!
I want to respond to each of you!! You don't know how much what all of you have said helped pick me up out of my hole this morning! I know you all are right!
I did want to tell shine,
Yes, I did quite praying for him... I totally get what you are saying.. It is in Gods hands now. He will do what He will. God knows how I feel so I don't think I have to tell Him every day. I just don't have the energy anymore to do that!
And Zoso,
You make me laugh a little on the inside... I get dark humor and you are right!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Hey blueholly! So great to hear from you this morning -- was thinking about you wondering if you'd be able to give us an update.
Totally know what you mean about not having the energy to spend griping/praying/worrying/thinking about our addicts.
We love them but...man...sometimes we just gotta change the channel and watch a better program!
When I catch myself in obsessive thinking I try to remember to ask myself -- why am I "watching this tv show" if I don't like it?!
The other day my friend said she was going to see his movie called The Call.
I watched 6 seconds of the preview online before I realized it was a scary movie and I refused to watch the rest of the preview because I know how sensitive I am to those thriller types of movies. Ugh. Hate them!
Now if I can just get as quick to respond and take care of myself when I am replaying a bad scene from a movie with my husband -- or watching some preview trailer in my head of a bad thing I think is to come related to him, I'll be in even better shape!
I am getting better at it actually. Awareness really helps.
I choose to watch things that make me feel good and I choose to think things that make me feel good. Yes yes yes.
Big hugs!
Totally know what you mean about not having the energy to spend griping/praying/worrying/thinking about our addicts.
We love them but...man...sometimes we just gotta change the channel and watch a better program!
When I catch myself in obsessive thinking I try to remember to ask myself -- why am I "watching this tv show" if I don't like it?!
The other day my friend said she was going to see his movie called The Call.
I watched 6 seconds of the preview online before I realized it was a scary movie and I refused to watch the rest of the preview because I know how sensitive I am to those thriller types of movies. Ugh. Hate them!
Now if I can just get as quick to respond and take care of myself when I am replaying a bad scene from a movie with my husband -- or watching some preview trailer in my head of a bad thing I think is to come related to him, I'll be in even better shape!
I am getting better at it actually. Awareness really helps.
I choose to watch things that make me feel good and I choose to think things that make me feel good. Yes yes yes.
Big hugs!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
And Zoso,
You make me laugh a little on the inside... I get dark humor and you are right!
You make me laugh a little on the inside... I get dark humor and you are right!
ZoSo
I know exactly what you are talking about.. Just need reminder, reminder, reminder...
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