When it all falls apart
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 4
When it all falls apart
This isn't the first time I've posted on here, though it has been a while.
My background story is that I am 30 years old married and 8 months pregnant. My husband has a history of abusing opioids. He was clean for two years when we met and we had a good, no a great life. We married last year September and found out we were pregnant in October.
That's when it all started unwinding. I'm not sure if it was the pressure of having another child (he has a 4 year old with another woman) or if something just snapped inside him, but he started drinking. Heavy.
Being pregnant and going through the emotions and ups and downs of everything that comes with the gloriousness of pregnancy, I couldn't handle it. I did deal with it on my own for about three months. But as the money ran out and I was working to pay the bills by myself I had to reach out for help.
My family was by my side 100% and his family wanted to help him. I told his family and we had sort of an intervention. He knew, or so I thought, that either he seek help or all was lost. He agreed to get help and it seemed like I had the man I married back. I was happy, he was happy.
Not so much the case. The whole time I thought he was doing good he was using. Back to pills. Going through $600+ a week, not helping pay any of the bills. Broken once more I told him he had to go get help or I was moving back with my parents and he would have to find a place to stay as well. I don't guess my words sank in with him.
I came home and two days in a row he was drunk, and I suspect high. Completely out of his mind. He apologized the first day he did it, said he didn't mean to. I know he didn't mean to, do they ever?? Said he wanted to fix things with us and get help. Came home yesterday and he was blitzed again.
Well I'm down to my last. I don't have any other option than to follow through on what I said. I have a baby that is coming next month and I have a responsibility to her. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. When I leave, his world will come crashing down because I'm the person that holds it up. I'm the one that keeps us together.
I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm afraid he won't get help and that he won't change. I'm afraid that she won't have a daddy. I"m scared that he will get visitation with her and I can't do anything about it and what if something happens while she is with him? I can't let her go to him!!
I know I'm doing what is right. It's just so hard to see him like this. I"m hurt by his choices. I don't hurt for myself because I'm a big girl and I can handle it. I"m hurt for his children, his family and for him. I don't want all to be lost. But I know that I cannot control him, just like I cannot control the beat of my heart. I know I can't change him or make him get help. I guess I just don't understand how someone who "loves" you does this.
Words of advice, encouragement, support....I need them.
My background story is that I am 30 years old married and 8 months pregnant. My husband has a history of abusing opioids. He was clean for two years when we met and we had a good, no a great life. We married last year September and found out we were pregnant in October.
That's when it all started unwinding. I'm not sure if it was the pressure of having another child (he has a 4 year old with another woman) or if something just snapped inside him, but he started drinking. Heavy.
Being pregnant and going through the emotions and ups and downs of everything that comes with the gloriousness of pregnancy, I couldn't handle it. I did deal with it on my own for about three months. But as the money ran out and I was working to pay the bills by myself I had to reach out for help.
My family was by my side 100% and his family wanted to help him. I told his family and we had sort of an intervention. He knew, or so I thought, that either he seek help or all was lost. He agreed to get help and it seemed like I had the man I married back. I was happy, he was happy.
Not so much the case. The whole time I thought he was doing good he was using. Back to pills. Going through $600+ a week, not helping pay any of the bills. Broken once more I told him he had to go get help or I was moving back with my parents and he would have to find a place to stay as well. I don't guess my words sank in with him.
I came home and two days in a row he was drunk, and I suspect high. Completely out of his mind. He apologized the first day he did it, said he didn't mean to. I know he didn't mean to, do they ever?? Said he wanted to fix things with us and get help. Came home yesterday and he was blitzed again.
Well I'm down to my last. I don't have any other option than to follow through on what I said. I have a baby that is coming next month and I have a responsibility to her. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. When I leave, his world will come crashing down because I'm the person that holds it up. I'm the one that keeps us together.
I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm afraid he won't get help and that he won't change. I'm afraid that she won't have a daddy. I"m scared that he will get visitation with her and I can't do anything about it and what if something happens while she is with him? I can't let her go to him!!
I know I'm doing what is right. It's just so hard to see him like this. I"m hurt by his choices. I don't hurt for myself because I'm a big girl and I can handle it. I"m hurt for his children, his family and for him. I don't want all to be lost. But I know that I cannot control him, just like I cannot control the beat of my heart. I know I can't change him or make him get help. I guess I just don't understand how someone who "loves" you does this.
Words of advice, encouragement, support....I need them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hi there and Welcome to Sober Recovery,
Very sorry for the things you are going through that brought you here, but very glad you found the forum.
There are so many here with similar experiences to yours. We support one another by sharing our experience, strength and hope.
You sound like a very strong woman. You can find tools here at SR to help you become even stronger, along with an awesome sounding board.
Have you read the sticky posts at the top of the forum yet? There is so much to read there, but it is all very helpful.
I agree that your only good option now is to follow through and remove yourself from the situation. Yes, he will likely spiral out of control but you have a child on the way. What I do for my loved ones now is pray and just take care of me, in the hope that one day they will do the same for themselves.
Please stick around, keep reading and posting. We will walk with you.
Peace,
Hanna
Very sorry for the things you are going through that brought you here, but very glad you found the forum.
There are so many here with similar experiences to yours. We support one another by sharing our experience, strength and hope.
You sound like a very strong woman. You can find tools here at SR to help you become even stronger, along with an awesome sounding board.
Have you read the sticky posts at the top of the forum yet? There is so much to read there, but it is all very helpful.
I agree that your only good option now is to follow through and remove yourself from the situation. Yes, he will likely spiral out of control but you have a child on the way. What I do for my loved ones now is pray and just take care of me, in the hope that one day they will do the same for themselves.
Please stick around, keep reading and posting. We will walk with you.
Peace,
Hanna
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When I leave, his world will come crashing down
Broken once more I told him he had to go get help or I was moving back with my parents and he would have to find a place to stay as well. I don't guess my words sank in with him.
Now is the time for you to put your baby and yourself first.....much like he is puting his drugs/alcohol first......focus on YOU and getting YOU and your baby to a healthier place to be then witnessing his behavior.
When I would project me fears a good listener in Al-anon told me "stop making stuff up" "stop creating scenes in your head of things that have not happened". And you know what - she was right and I broke that bad habit which just kept me anxious and filled with fear.
No one is going to let a newborn baby be solely in the care of an active addict so put that thought to rest.
Take things one day at a time, first priority get yourself away from having to witness his behavior. Next step enbrace those who love and support you, be thankful you have them.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Even in the worst Hurricane, there is the peaceful eye.
The absolute center of the storm, wreckage all around, and it is relatively peaceful.
Get there. Get with God, your Al-Anon Group, your family. Pray.
The other side of the Hurricane may hit, but you will make it through.
Claim the Promises -- "We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."
Make them yours.
The absolute center of the storm, wreckage all around, and it is relatively peaceful.
Get there. Get with God, your Al-Anon Group, your family. Pray.
The other side of the Hurricane may hit, but you will make it through.
Claim the Promises -- "We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."
Make them yours.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 58
Im so sorry for what your going through! Your situation is much like mine, except for the coming baby. My husband and I had been trying – before his relapse. (Im in my early thirties and don’t want to wait much longer). My husband had been clean for over three years. All happened before we met. Almost two weeks ago he started a binge of cocaine and alcohol. I could not even talk to him as he was either high, drunk, or passed out. I found this website about a week ago I guess. I will share some things that have helped me.
I found this thread, and it is written by a wife who’s husband in in relapse from alcohol. It made me feel not so alone. I have found a lot of strength in the person who wrote this, and would encourage you to read it, or at least her posts (as the thread is pretty long). It inspired me to call my husbands psychologist (who he hadn’t seen in about 7 months) and also his parents for help. My husbands doctor was wonderful. He has talked to me a couple of times, and has so much information to share about addiction, relapse, and the whole process. One thing he shared, would apply to your husband also since he has already had treatment. The doctor said, my husband has been through this before, and he has the skills and knowledge, to bring himself out of this. He knows the difference between life when he is drunk/high or sober. His doctor said he would help him when he calls and is ready. Also, he was very encouraging because he has faith in my husband to get through this and get his life back on track.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...h-relapse.html
Also what has inspired me about this post is the way Cecelia has removed so much emotion and anger, and replaced it with solid decision making, and even allows herself to feel humor at some of the craziness. Which seemed so impossible to me when I was crying my eyes out days ago. She shared this video with me, and another person on this site did also. It has helped me more than anything to understand what the addiction has been doing to my husband, and what has been going on in his brain while he was binging. It all hit home for me what was explained and what I was seeing. Is an hour long documentary (but not dry and boring), It was created by a doctor who also suffered an addiction. I have watched it twice. I think it should be suggested to all family members. I shared it with my husbands parents, and later I hope to watch it with him.
Pleasure Unwoven Full Movie Documentary by Kevin McCauley - YouTube
Once I called my In-laws, my father in law came out and has been here a week. My husband was angry I called them, but this shook him up and he stopped binging on alcohol. Did his best to pull himself together before his dad arrived. Not completely possible after a week long binge ! My FIL basically sent me away, he said he wanted to try to talk with him, and since he had been through it before I thought it was best. He sent me to a hotel where I have been almost a full week now. Once I got away from that week of binging, I realized how exhausted I was, emotionally drained. I wont go back to that type of situation again. I think YOU are doing the right thing removing yourself from that situation especially with the baby coming. Since you have a safe place to go at your parents, take advantage of it. Maybe this will also help him wake up and see what he is doing to himself and to you.
My husband has now reached out to his psychologist, and yesterday they devised a plan to get him back on track. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I am hopeful. I am planning on going home now that he has made this effort and is no longer completely out of control. Part of his plan is also going to include drug testing to satisfy his business partner who also became aware of what was going on & reached out to sort of intervene along with FIL.
I know you have are scared for the future of your baby. I cant offer advice on how to handle this, except take things one day at a time. My FIL told me days ago, that I was going to have to be patient. So I will offer that up. I felt guilty at first for leaving my husband this week, but I realized I would have been a complete mess before long had I stayed and he continued on that path. I would have been useless to not only him, but to myself too. So Don’t feel guilty for doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and the baby.
I found this thread, and it is written by a wife who’s husband in in relapse from alcohol. It made me feel not so alone. I have found a lot of strength in the person who wrote this, and would encourage you to read it, or at least her posts (as the thread is pretty long). It inspired me to call my husbands psychologist (who he hadn’t seen in about 7 months) and also his parents for help. My husbands doctor was wonderful. He has talked to me a couple of times, and has so much information to share about addiction, relapse, and the whole process. One thing he shared, would apply to your husband also since he has already had treatment. The doctor said, my husband has been through this before, and he has the skills and knowledge, to bring himself out of this. He knows the difference between life when he is drunk/high or sober. His doctor said he would help him when he calls and is ready. Also, he was very encouraging because he has faith in my husband to get through this and get his life back on track.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...h-relapse.html
Also what has inspired me about this post is the way Cecelia has removed so much emotion and anger, and replaced it with solid decision making, and even allows herself to feel humor at some of the craziness. Which seemed so impossible to me when I was crying my eyes out days ago. She shared this video with me, and another person on this site did also. It has helped me more than anything to understand what the addiction has been doing to my husband, and what has been going on in his brain while he was binging. It all hit home for me what was explained and what I was seeing. Is an hour long documentary (but not dry and boring), It was created by a doctor who also suffered an addiction. I have watched it twice. I think it should be suggested to all family members. I shared it with my husbands parents, and later I hope to watch it with him.
Pleasure Unwoven Full Movie Documentary by Kevin McCauley - YouTube
Once I called my In-laws, my father in law came out and has been here a week. My husband was angry I called them, but this shook him up and he stopped binging on alcohol. Did his best to pull himself together before his dad arrived. Not completely possible after a week long binge ! My FIL basically sent me away, he said he wanted to try to talk with him, and since he had been through it before I thought it was best. He sent me to a hotel where I have been almost a full week now. Once I got away from that week of binging, I realized how exhausted I was, emotionally drained. I wont go back to that type of situation again. I think YOU are doing the right thing removing yourself from that situation especially with the baby coming. Since you have a safe place to go at your parents, take advantage of it. Maybe this will also help him wake up and see what he is doing to himself and to you.
My husband has now reached out to his psychologist, and yesterday they devised a plan to get him back on track. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I am hopeful. I am planning on going home now that he has made this effort and is no longer completely out of control. Part of his plan is also going to include drug testing to satisfy his business partner who also became aware of what was going on & reached out to sort of intervene along with FIL.
I know you have are scared for the future of your baby. I cant offer advice on how to handle this, except take things one day at a time. My FIL told me days ago, that I was going to have to be patient. So I will offer that up. I felt guilty at first for leaving my husband this week, but I realized I would have been a complete mess before long had I stayed and he continued on that path. I would have been useless to not only him, but to myself too. So Don’t feel guilty for doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and the baby.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
right now the primary concern is YOUR health and that of your baby - and being in a home with an active addict is FAR from healthy. IMO his needs really don't matter doodly squat compared to that of your unborn child. i just don't think this is the time to be worried about him getting help or not!!!
moving to your parents would provide you much needed space and peace. other things can be worked out later.
moving to your parents would provide you much needed space and peace. other things can be worked out later.
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