I stumbled!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I stumbled!
Last night something triggered me and I let my mind and actions go to the dark side.
I checked his bank account but couldn't get on it. Did he change his password so I couldn't see it or had it been so long, I forgot it? The anxiety grew. Now, I have to check his phone, my sickness told me. Oh he wouldn't leave "evidence" on his phone, I should look over the bill. Ughhhh
I finally got my thinking back under control and stopped!! I hated what I done. So this morning, I told him. He was very understanding and kind of blamed himself. I told him he is not to blame for my actions. He then laughed and asked if I locked up his bank account (3 failed attempts and he has to call them). I told him no, not this time, I didn't make 3 attempts. He smiled and said "that's progress."
After I apologized, he said it wasn't necessary but i said it was, so he accepted it. I am glad he was so understanding but I am still struggling to forgive myself and my recent stumble.
Last night was an example of how I can put my own self through misery. IMO, there is a difference in confirming my gut instincts or just creating insanity. Sadly, last night was the latter.
I tried telling myself if there is anything to hide "more will be revealed" but those were just words that I could not accept in that moment. Damn, I selfishly wish he would just get the shot again. Ughhhh
It was that very thought that got my mind turning. I started to think maybe he can't because he isn't clean....and then my mind was off.
I need to simply just trust God. Love people but trust God!!
I checked his bank account but couldn't get on it. Did he change his password so I couldn't see it or had it been so long, I forgot it? The anxiety grew. Now, I have to check his phone, my sickness told me. Oh he wouldn't leave "evidence" on his phone, I should look over the bill. Ughhhh
I finally got my thinking back under control and stopped!! I hated what I done. So this morning, I told him. He was very understanding and kind of blamed himself. I told him he is not to blame for my actions. He then laughed and asked if I locked up his bank account (3 failed attempts and he has to call them). I told him no, not this time, I didn't make 3 attempts. He smiled and said "that's progress."
After I apologized, he said it wasn't necessary but i said it was, so he accepted it. I am glad he was so understanding but I am still struggling to forgive myself and my recent stumble.
Last night was an example of how I can put my own self through misery. IMO, there is a difference in confirming my gut instincts or just creating insanity. Sadly, last night was the latter.
I tried telling myself if there is anything to hide "more will be revealed" but those were just words that I could not accept in that moment. Damn, I selfishly wish he would just get the shot again. Ughhhh
It was that very thought that got my mind turning. I started to think maybe he can't because he isn't clean....and then my mind was off.
I need to simply just trust God. Love people but trust God!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
thank you for sharing so candidly. I am stumbling right now in my thoughts and Im so glad to know I am not alone.
good for you for making amends right away. progress not perfection right?
just a little slip. just keep swimming.
good for you for making amends right away. progress not perfection right?
just a little slip. just keep swimming.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Last night something triggered me and I let my mind and actions go to the dark side.
I checked his bank account but couldn't get on it. Did he change his password so I couldn't see it or had it been so long, I forgot it? The anxiety grew. Now, I have to check his phone, my sickness told me. Oh he wouldn't leave "evidence" on his phone, I should look over the bill. Ughhhh
I finally got my thinking back under control and stopped!! I hated what I done. So this morning, I told him. He was very understanding and kind of blamed himself. I told him he is not to blame for my actions. He then laughed and asked if I locked up his bank account (3 failed attempts and he has to call them). I told him no, not this time, I didn't make 3 attempts. He smiled and said "that's progress."
After I apologized, he said it wasn't necessary but i said it was, so he accepted it. I am glad he was so understanding but I am still struggling to forgive myself and my recent stumble.
Last night was an example of how I can put my own self through misery. IMO, there is a difference in confirming my gut instincts or just creating insanity. Sadly, last night was the latter.
I tried telling myself if there is anything to hide "more will be revealed" but those were just words that I could not accept in that moment. Damn, I selfishly wish he would just get the shot again. Ughhhh
It was that very thought that got my mind turning. I started to think maybe he can't because he isn't clean....and then my mind was off.
I need to simply just trust God. Love people but trust God!!
I checked his bank account but couldn't get on it. Did he change his password so I couldn't see it or had it been so long, I forgot it? The anxiety grew. Now, I have to check his phone, my sickness told me. Oh he wouldn't leave "evidence" on his phone, I should look over the bill. Ughhhh
I finally got my thinking back under control and stopped!! I hated what I done. So this morning, I told him. He was very understanding and kind of blamed himself. I told him he is not to blame for my actions. He then laughed and asked if I locked up his bank account (3 failed attempts and he has to call them). I told him no, not this time, I didn't make 3 attempts. He smiled and said "that's progress."
After I apologized, he said it wasn't necessary but i said it was, so he accepted it. I am glad he was so understanding but I am still struggling to forgive myself and my recent stumble.
Last night was an example of how I can put my own self through misery. IMO, there is a difference in confirming my gut instincts or just creating insanity. Sadly, last night was the latter.
I tried telling myself if there is anything to hide "more will be revealed" but those were just words that I could not accept in that moment. Damn, I selfishly wish he would just get the shot again. Ughhhh
It was that very thought that got my mind turning. I started to think maybe he can't because he isn't clean....and then my mind was off.
I need to simply just trust God. Love people but trust God!!
Best,
ZoSo
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Progress not perfection ~
how very brave to admit to yourself and others your struggles - it helps us all to be able to admit we struggle -
Thank you for your honesty and please keep taking good care of you -
I know for me - when I'm tired, stressed, overwhelmed, (HALT - hungry, angry, lonely or tired) - that's when I'm at my weakest for my slips ~
pink hugs
how very brave to admit to yourself and others your struggles - it helps us all to be able to admit we struggle -
Thank you for your honesty and please keep taking good care of you -
I know for me - when I'm tired, stressed, overwhelmed, (HALT - hungry, angry, lonely or tired) - that's when I'm at my weakest for my slips ~
pink hugs
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