His Mama is Driving Me Nuts - Who Does This??
 

:gaah:gaah

Hello friends! I am just catching up on reading posts, as I have been away travelling for a bit and have not had the chance to post or to read.


This is vent sesh, one that I would like to open up for comment. I’m having a hard time with my mother in law. Like, she doesn’t call me unless it’s because my husband doesn’t answer his phone. When she sends a text, it’s to ask how my AH is doing. She calls and wakes him up in the morning to make sure that he is awake and getting ready for work, which is sometimes more than an hour before he needs to get up. She is constantly calling and checking on him, wanting to know his where a-bouts and if he is using. If she picks him up in the morning to take him to work, she brings him a lunch. My husband is 32.


Another thing that bothers me is that his family is just as much in denial about the fact that he needs professional help to successfully recover. Like, the other day, he relapsed after having abstained from his DOC for a couple of weeks, and she acted surprised when she found out that he has used again. “I thought he was doing so good! I can’t believe he slipped. What happened? When did it happen? Where were you?” It’s getting annoying. She is so overbearing and really just caters to him, coddles him, and treats him like he’s 10. I mean, my mom doesn’t call me in the morning at 6:00 am to make sure that I’m up and getting ready for work. Who does that???

Who? Why a codependent mamma of course. My BFs grandma is the same. His mom works a program, but has her codie moments just like I do. I have to treat grandma like I would an addict. I let the phone roll over to voicemail and the judge the reason for her call.

Who does that: big time codie enablers that’s who.

That’s why it’s called a family disease! As his progression in his disease continues she is going to take on more and more of HIS responsibilities in life and continue to “parent” her adult son. She’s in the “must do” something to prevent it from happening, fixing it mode.

Until he is ready to quit and until they are ready to support him in healthy ways, it looks bleak for any real chance for him to recover.

That sounds very frustrating.

Does he think it is normal?

You can set boundaries for yourself with respect to facilitating her unhealthy behavior.
It is just tough knowing where to draw the line and how to remain polite. In-laws are even more difficult because every hurt is more difficult to repair.

Any chance you could say "I'm doing recovery work to learn healthy boundaries for dealing with addiction." and discuss this with her?

Do you ever call her just to chat?

one could also ask what 32 year old man lets his mommy treat him like he's 10? goes both ways.

Well.....wow......and I thought I was a gold medal winning codependent. She's got me beat.....hands down! I'm an amatuer......and not nearly as talented I thought I was. lol

I'll ditto some of the above posts.......she's treating him like he's ten years old (maybe younger because even a ten year old can wake up to an alarm). I think AnvilheadII's comment was spot on (and very direct). We are responsible to some extent for the manner in which we are treated. If a person is allowed to cross our boundaries and we do nothing to discourage it (or avoid it or make it difficult for them), they will continue to do it.

It is ok to say what you mean (state your boundaries clearly), mean what you say (your boundaries are not negotiable) and don't say it mean.

She's stepping over (by a wide margin) the boundaries of what is appropriate for any rational mother to do for a 32 year old man. But then......a diehard codependent is no more rational than an active addict......and they can be just as hard to get along with.

gentle hugs
ke

@ Hanna - I think that my AH might think this is normal behavior because his mother has always treated him like this. When he first started using about a decade ago, she would go through his phone and try to cipher which numbers were dealers' numbers and so on. She has three other children, besides my husband, but I don't think that she has ever doted on them quite the way that she has doted on him. She is very protective of him.

I think that my husband appreciates the concern. I think that he appreciates that people are always doing really nice things for him. He pawned all of his tools and his sister loaned him 200$ to get them out. He smoked all of his money and another sister let him borrow her EBT (food stamp) card to buy groceries (note, she is a single mother of three). He broke his phone in a rage and another sister gave him a phone that she doesn't use anymore. When he doesn't have SOMETHING, one of the family members will get him food, dog food, cigarettes, gas, etc. And, of course, this means that he will never do without.

I guess what my real question here is how to set my own boundaries when he comes from such an enabling family? I don't give him the money, food, gas, etc. that I used to when all this first stated going down (I was new to the do's and don'ts of addiction), but he just gets these things from other family members now. What do you do in a situtation like this? I feel that his family will get very defensive with me. His sister already got an attitude with me when I asked why she was giving him money for gas.

Yogagurl - I just went back and looked at your past threads. I'd read most of them while they were happening.

Nothing has really changed, right?

I think if you want to remain living with him and stay sane, you have to completely detach from all of it. His choices and the way the family treats him. You can't make them stop enabling him and you can't make him stop using. They are all getting something out of their relationships and interactions.

How do you feel about al-anon? The 12 steps seem to have helped many to endure this type of situation.

I couldn't live like you are living. Just a few weeks of it made me feel I was going insane.

Do you see any recovery happening?

Yoga: Have you rejoined the employment world?

I have not attended any 12 step program for codependency yet. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of resources in my area for the family and friends of narcotic addicts. I mean, I guess I could write off communication with his family, but I don't see how that would help. His family knows that they are enabling him, but they choose to do so anyways. His mother even hides they fact that she helps him the way that she does from his father. She always has. His father doesn't know that she picks him up for work, that she loans him money, that she helps pay the bills when my AH is in a rough spot. I once thought that maybe the family did it as a way to help me, since I am so directly affected by his financial instability, but I have realized that this is not the case.

As far as employeement goes, I am currently employed, but my income doesn't afford me to live on my own at this time. Even though he is chronically late paying the rent and the utilities, he does manage to pay those, the majority of the time. That accounts for about 500$. I'm just not in a comfortable position to leave right now. I have, for the most part, stopped complaining about something that I'm not willing to change because I'm tired of hearing myself.

I had a phone interview yesterday for a position that would increase my salary by 15K. If anyone would like help me, the biggest help I could ask for is to say a prayer that I be offered the position. I am very close to paying off a loan that would enable me to live in complete financial independence.

Detaching doesn't mean not speaking to them anymore. It means not feeling emotionally attached to their behaviors.

I'm working the 12 steps with a partner but not going to meetings. It's an idea.

Definitely saying a prayer for your interview.

Wow! I could be your MIL LOL. I am guilty as charged for all of the examples you shared as it relates to doing EVERYTHING I could for my son. I still feel that compulsion to "do something" while he is in jail like it could do any good! So, I get it. No it is NOT Healthy and NO it is NOT helping your Ex. Enabling is contributing to "no action" on the part of the addict.
I need to keep your post on hand so when JJ gets out I am really really present to my tendencies to consider him totally helpless and incapable.
Thank you Yoga Gurl!

Move over Kindeyes, this mama pleads guilty too. Not only did I pay for my son's cell phone and check the bill...I would call and ask them to fax it to me early so I could see if my suspicions were accurate. *whacks self on forehead* :groan

Yup, I was the codie mama from hell, but I learned better and when I knew better I did better.

I'm not excusing a minute of her bad behaviour, I am just seeing myself how I used to be and am so very grateful for recovery and a better way of living.

i hope if this new job is meant to be, it happens NOW! :)

meanwhile when in doubt:

Best of serenity now - YouTube

^^^

Anvilhead, I love that show! :lmao

:lmao. That is a big joke in our house. But in all honesty, sometimes it really does work, just as much as the laughter.

Yogagirl, good luck with the interview.

Good luck with the interview!!!

My addict bf's mother would call me- sometimes daily or at least text message me daily to see how her son was doing. Then at night if he didn't answer she would call me to see why he didn't answer. Then when she would get fed up she would call me and flip out. Saying that she didn't want him as a son anymore and how she doesn't know why I stay etc. some of the things she said would make me cringe. But then a few days later she would turn against me and talk about me. So you have one extreme or the other. You just never knew what side you would get. She has struggled with mental illness and addiction herself so I thought maybe in a way she could understand out of anyone what her son is going through but she seems to be the worst out of them all.

Sometimes when I would see her number come up on my phone I would think to myself what now?!?'

I understand the dynamic of the mother/son/daughter relationship when addicition is involved. I feel that the parent uses the codependent actions as a way of denying that their child is really out of control and living a lifestyle that revolves around drug abuse. In the mind of the parent, the parent is embarrassed for the behavior of the child. As in, the parent may wonder what others think about the way the child was parented in the first place...

I find myself guilty of playing out conversations in my mind for things that I would want to say to his mother, but I don't because my anger towards his behaviour should not be directed at her. I'm wondering though, how much of his behaviour can be attributed to the way that he was raised? If she treated him like a child well into his adult life, and essentially took care of all of his needs when he couldn't meet them (which has been very often), would his mother then be responsible for his lack of self-sustainability and lack of life skills? His parents adopted two children when my husband and his sister were about 12 years old. He dropped out of school when he was 14 y/o and his sister got pregnant with her first child at 14 y/o and her second at 15 y/o. She didn't even know who the father of the first born was. My husband quit school because he suffered from dyslexia as a child but was never given the necessary tools and help to push through it and was discouraged, thinking he was stupid. I'm wondering: where was the parenting here? How did it occur that these children just kind of ran wild while, in the mean time, his parents were adopting two very young children? One of the adopted daughters has three children and is only 21 y/o. She is a single mother and the father of her children is a drug addict.

Sometimes, I want to question his mother about these things. Because, what I really feel is that, even though she may have done the best job that she could, she made (and still makes) some very poor choices. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, and I have definately had my share of good times, but I couldn't see myself coming home to my parents to tell them that I was pregnant in my 20's, much less when I was 14 y/o.

I think that his parents knew that they screwed up with their biological children and thought they could make a mends by adopting. I have even heard them joke around about it. His parents are all into Jesus and what not, which is fine, but they live in this bubble where they ignore the reality of what is going on around them and pretend that the sun rises and sets on their son's ass, when in all reality, he's a convicted felon and a crack addict. I love him, don't get me wrong. But I acknowledge the fact that he is a hot mess and I don't try to brush it under the rug with a 20$ bill and a morning wake up call.

Thanks for all the well wishes. I am waiting for Universe to give me a break!!

Look to your own motivations (((((Jodie)))))) about saying something to his mom.

Also will/would it change anything? I doubt it.

Maybe it is time to look within yourself to see if this is really how you want to
spend the rest of your life.

J M H O

Love and hugs,