cece1960

Another mama here that has tried just about everything

However, much of the time my motives had nothing to do with denial or embarassment, but rather what could I do to keep him from losing a job, losing a girlfriend, losing his temper with his dad, because any of those things could bring him back to my doorstep.

nmb4421

My AH's mother is very similar. Sometimes I think she really sees him as a child. She used to call me a lot. I put a stop to it. Now I tell her to contact him.

Her denial of everything that has happened during his addiction has actually caused me to distance myself from her and have very minimal contact with her. And, when I stopped taking her calls, I made the decision to no longer call her when I'm sick with worry about him or angry about something he did. I also stopped calling her to check to see if he was telling me the truth about things (For example: "My mom lent me money for that utility bill" or "The money is missing because my mom needed some extra cash to fix blah-blah").

When I did call her to talk about why things could be the way they are, she usually suggested I was to blame or I wasn't being an "attentive enough" wife.

When I distanced myself, I started to feel better.

Yogagurl

My own motives for telling his mother - that is a great point to bring up. I think that it would just be an outlet for my anger and for my judgement on her decisions as a parent. My husband doesn't have any life skills. He is good at what he is good at and that is all. The thing is that his lack of life skills is very deep rooted and I guess I'm looking to point a finger at his mother and say "Really? You are continuing to shelter him from a world that he will never be able to function in alone." Aha - that struck a nerve in me. What if the truth is that she knows this and that she keeps up this baby-ing behaviour so that he will ALWAYS HAVE TO DEPEND ON HER. Sort of like an insecurity, if you will. By knowing that he will call on her for everything, it makes her feel secure.

Ok, so, do I want to live like this for the rest of my life? Of course not. Did I know his mother was bat **** crazy getting into the marriage? Yes. Did I think it would go so far as to wake up calls in the morning? NO, I did not. But the bottom line is this: AH will not be able to recover emotionally if he is sheltered emotionally. AH will not be able to take responsiblity for his own life if he is not obligated to take responsablility. This means that one of the only ways that he will be able to truly recover at this deep rooted level is for his family to detach from catering to his needs.

Maybe, by sitting down with his family around a table and pointing this out to them, I could perhaps hit a nerve. Like I said before, they know they are enabling him, they just don't care to change their own patters and behaviours because they are so far up his wazooee.

Lily1918

I am dealing with similar issues. My heart goes out to you.

Kindeyes

The thing that is so interesting about addiction is that often......where a codependent mother leaves off......a codependent girlfriend or wife picks up. I'm so glad that you aren't continuing the unhealthy codependent behaviors of his mother. And possibly, because you aren't, she wants to play the blame game with you. He's using because you do/don't (fill in the blank).

There is no sense blaming anyone for your adult husband's addiction. Not you. Not her. My parents were responsible for raising me......but I am responsible for who I am today......just like you......just like your husband.

One of the tragedies of addiction is it often pits the rest of the family against each other.......while the addict sits back and watches the drama unfold. It takes the spotlight off of his/her addiction and they can use while the rest of family goes after each other blaming each other for the addicts antics or addiction. You have a choice not to be a part of the drama (as does everyone else but you're lightyears ahead of them because you can recognize the drama). I would urge you not to participate in the blame game.....that actually plays into an addict's mindset of "aha....see it's not me.....it was my parents fault!" That in turn causes the parent's to become defensive and do MORE codependent stuff to prove what great parent's they are/were.

We all get to be held accountable for our own stuff as adults. And it doesn't really do anyone any good to take another person's inventory for them. When I concentrate on taking care of my own inventory (and correcting my own defidiences of which there are many), I don't have time to point fingers at anybody else.

Just my thoughts.....

gentle hugs
ke

Yogagurl

Kindeyes - very well said. Thank you for putting that into perspective for me. Your post really gave me a sense of peace and I could hear the wisdom behind your words. Sometimes, when in the woods, we can't see the light through the trees. I am printing this out and posting this in a place I can see it often.

Love and light,
YG

cece1960

If I could add a little to Kindeyes wise words...

I have raised three children, and all have been given the same opportunities, life's lesson's choices etc. My AS however, began using drugs in his teens, and it has been a circus of irresponsibility, carelss actions and less than responsible choices.

See, he WAS taught life's lessons and responsibility. But due ( I assume) to his drug use, he has not mastered how to use what he has been taught to benefit him now in his adult life. It's just too much work, and leaves little room for something as irresponsible as drug use. He's no dummy, but he seems to use his wits and past experience to benefit himself and not relationships with others.

I admit I allowed this to continue for far too long. I was mistaking want for need.

I can however tell you that I get NO satisfaction these days with the thought that he needs me.

Yogagurl

Cece,

Thank you for your perspective as well. I'm sorry that you have had to endure the lifestyle that goes along with being the family member of an addict, the worry and the disappointment. I wish you and your son the best.