blackandblue

Please read the stickies above this forum posted by the forum leaders- especially regarding abuse. I am sorry you were physically assaulted. That was not your fault and must have been so scary and shocking.

So sorry you are in crisis and please read as much as you can on these forums and ask for advice from other addicts here. My guess is they will tell you to get out now and protect your children and yourself first. Please do not feel ashamed. We all have been blindsided by addiction and many of us here have made similar choices. It is not a matter of intelligence. It is a matter of living with addiction which does not care about your race, creed, color, gender, intellect, or background.

Everyone here is so desperate to help you see that you and your children are in a dangerous and volatile situation. Please get your children out of that environment the safest way possible. Where there is an actively using and physically abusive drug addict, there is no such thing as a safe situation- not mentally, emotionally, or physically for you or your children.

I could not think clearly when I lived with an active heroin addict. There will be time to think and analyze once you are in a safe place. There were dealers and users around and in my house and a number of other activities going on that could have jeopardized my entire life. There are no exceptions. Addiction is predictable. Abuse is even more predictable. And neither are safe. You are in my prayers. Good luck and God speed!

Lily1918

Im sure, but still, when bf went to rehab I got a letter full of hiding places, and several of them were within the kids reach, so just be careful.

I understand what its like to be hit. This addict has never hit me, but man oh man did I beat the crap out of him a few times, and that was my aha! Moment. I asked him why he didnt fight back. What was he a p**sy or something!?!? and he said "no. Guys dont hit girls. Period." As his face was swelling up from his black eye.

So, that is what taught me it WAS wrong for the men in my past to hit me, even if I threw the first blow, because here I had a self proclaimed "junkie" heroin addict who used in my house and stole his dads ipod and did all kinds of "typical addict" things, but still would rather take a beating than to hit me.

Im sure your husband didnt beat you, but this is one of the times where the "not even once" saying should apply. Imho.

Just some food for thought. Hitting, in my experience, is NOT typical addict behavior.
Although protecting their drugs and addiction is. I never did try to take his heroin from him though, I just threw him out onto the back porch and locked the door, what was he gunna do? Call the cops when he was holding? Ya right. Not saying it is ok to hit, but trying to reinforce that my addict taught me that it never is, and it was really wrong of me to abuse him, even though he was being emotionally abusive to me. Two wrongs dont make a right.

The stickies at the top of the forum have some really great reading material. Maybe check them out if you have time. Im glad you found this place, although Im sorry for the reasons that brought you here.
Hugs.

allforcnm

I'm sorry you have so much going on right now. It must have been a shock to find out about the heroin use. I know that's how I felt when I realized my husband was using. Give yourself some time to adjust. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband hid his drug use from you. Lots of people have been left in the dark about drug use until something happens and the truth comes out.

I would suggest you take a look at some websites such as: National Institute on Drug abuse: National Institute on Drug Abuse and Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration - Homepage, and National Health Institute: National Institutes of Health (NIH). These will give you both lots of information on his drug, detox, treatments, recovery.

Here are my thoughts. Please be very careful if there are violent tendencies with your husband. Some drugs can escalate this behavior. There is a very good video being referenced on this forum right now, and it will explain how the drugs are affecting your husband and his behaviors. Also why it is so hard for him to stop. I watched it today, and found it very close to what the doctors in my husbands rehab explained to me. If you have time, give it a look: Pleasure Unwoven Full Movie Documentary by Kevin McCauley - YouTube

What is going on with your husband is very serious. Overdosing and being hospitalized. The hospital should have offered him information on treatment options. Did he talk with you about any of this? Does he have insurance? I'm sure he wants to quit, but putting action behind that requires a plan initially. Has he shared a plan to quit?

I understand what you are saying here. When my husband was actively using we split up for a while. I couldn’t live with his behaviors, and he didn’t want to stop using, and that is where the behavior problems came from. But once he decided to stop, and created a plan, began working it.. then I have tried my best to support him. No one here can tell you what to do in your situation, all we can do is share our own experiences, and things we have learned along the way. We each have different experiences based on our own beliefs, and our own personal situations. Some here have ended relationships, or had their addicted person leave them. Others are in ongoing relationships, or might be the parent of an addict. What is recommended is to read, and then take what you can relate to, what you can use, and leave the rest behind.

There is also help available for family members. If your husband were to enter into some type of treatment program through a hospital or clinic, these often include sessions for family members. When my husband was in rehab, I started working with a private therapist and so I always recommend this. There are also self help / support groups like alanon, celebrate recovery. (Many people here have codependency issues and they like these programs).

My therapist recommended a book for me to read. It is called: Get You Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening. By Robert Meyers, PhD. (You can google this and read book reviews.) It is also used by a recovery method called Smart (self management and recovery training): Self Help Substance Abuse & Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery® (online meetings, forum discussions, and largely free materials). They offer assistance to those who want to recover from addiction, and also to family members dealing with addicted loved ones. Also, many people use this site SR to help them along the way.

Anyway, hope some of this info can be of assistance to you.

Ann

Crissay, you are not stupid, you are a victim of abuse. We say what we say here because we care very much about you and your child. The words may not seem that way, but dear, you are in a dangerous situation and we are trying to help you get safe.

Please take very good care of yourself and your child.

Hugs

atalose

Don’t let your pride get in the way of getting out of this abusive situation. Who cares what people will say. But if what they say is so important to you – imagine what they will say when they hear you knew he was using drugs, you knew he was abusive but made the choice to stay in this situation anyway.

[QUOTE
Then I got mad because he didn’t clean the room or feed the child
][/QUOTE]

[QUOTEI was mad because she was eating candy when she wasn't suppose to.][/QUOTE]

Sounds like you are trying to minimize the situation.

It would appear that he does it where ever he wants.

Abuse is a big deal and yes the abuse you suffered as a child is a big deal. Such a big deal that it just may keep you in this volatile situation unless you get some outside help to sort it all out.

I’m glad you found SR and I’m glad you are getting advise from people here and I also think you would benefit allot from counseling, help you figure all this out and not repeat the pattern of abuse. YOU and your CHILD deserve this chance…..

BeavsDad

Apparantly, not everyone has the same "bottom".

Being lied to, cheated on, tricked into marriage and smacked around a bit isn't all the way down for some.

Sunshine2

Sweetheart, you are not stupid at all. You are being manipulated. Manipulation will drive you insane and you will end up believing it is all your fault. That is what manipulators do.

You know what is a BIG red flag to me, aside from the abuse? The fact that he waited until after you were married to tell you he is an addict. That is not how someone who really wants to recover behave. If he was serious about it, he would have told you before you got married and asked you to wait until he has some recovery under his belt before the wedding.

If you were abused as a child, you tend to look for partners who treat you the same way, unless you get some help. That is how we are wired. If you can, get some counseling. Or join NA and work the steps. It is amazing what healing comes when you have the focus on you.

You are on a downhill road with this. It will likely get a whole lot worse. The longer you stay the longer it will take you to recover and believe in yourself again.

There is something very freeing from leaving an abusive spouse. The sense of power you get from realizing you are not worthless and helpless is huge.

I hope you will get the wisdom to do what is right for you and your precious child.

tjp613

WHEN and IF you are ready to leave, there is help available to you from many sources.
Memorize this number and call it when you are ready: 1-800-799-SAFE. That is the national domestic violence hotline. Their website is full of useful information at National Domestic Violence Hotline.

LoveMeNow

I am very sorry for your painful situation. But you are being given an opportunity to end the cycle of abuse. Yes, Your daughter is in abusive home. You can be a hero or a victim. You can be the person for her, that no one was for you. The choice is yours!

It's not going to easy but it will be worth it. My prayers are with you all.

zoso77

If your daughter was in the same situation as you're in -- being hit -- how would you feel? I imagine you would feel that physical violence is simply unacceptable. Yet you're reluctant to apply that same standard to yourself.

And how do you know your husband wants help? Because he says so? So if he really, really wanted help, then he did hide his addiction until AFTER you were married? No, he waited until you were locked in, and once you were locked in, he sprung it on you. This is what sick people do: behave in sick ways.

Remember this: if an active addict's lips are moving, they're lying.

We are powerless over someone else's addiction. We can love the addict, we can put up with emotional and physical abuse by the addict, and it doesn't make a lick of difference because the addict will continue to use until he/she is ready to commit to recovery. And even if they make that decision, it is a long, long painful road. And the best way to help the addict is to simply get out of the way and allow whatever's supposed to happen happen. You need to protect you and your daughter.

The response you have received from us is direct because we do not want to see you or your daughter hurt. We know that addiction, especially to opiates, is a motherf**ker that will destroy anything in its path. And yet we also know, from our collective experience, that we're not powerless in terms of the choices we make to protect ourselves. But we can't make you leave him. You have to decide that you deserve better than what you have, and that your daughter deserves better, too. You and daughter deserve better than this.

We're here for you. All of us.

ZoSo

Hanna

You aren't stupid. No one expects a heroin addict.

You likely have grounds for an annulment. That would be my course of action.
From my perspective someone in active addiction isn't capable of entering into a marriage or any other contract.

Other sites say to stick by your spouse but from my perspective you do not have a spouse. You have an addict that tricked you down the aisle under false pretenses.

Glad you found SR.

Vale

You are not safe in that environ,and it is NOT your fault.
Obtain safety for you and your kids.
You do not 'deserve' to be hurt---and don't you EVER
allow anyone to convince you that you do.

(I changed this post from one of my usual long-winded pieces of
bullcrap to a short,succinct piece---this is important---
YOU are important!)

Vale

================

LMN writes truth here.The decision is yours.

(Who are you going to be?)

outtolunch

He was smoking in your bed.

"I will not live with or expose my child to anyone in active addiction or early recovery" is a solid boundary to protect you and your child.

Your child deserves nothing less than a mother who will protect him/her.

bluebelle

I am concerned that he hit you. Please consider calling the domestic violence hotline. Have you told anybody close to you about this? Do you have clergy or a health professional you can talk to? I am concerned for your safety and that of your child. There are professionals who can help you with a safety plan for when this occurs again. I know from experience that violence always escalates. My mom was in a series of abusive relationships which I witnessed. This is not your fault. No one deserves to be hit. Even if your AH got clean, I would be concerned that he would still be violent. That is why I think it is important for you to make a plan for your safety. Take care. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.