How to deal with ANGER
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
How to deal with ANGER
I am having such a difficult time dealing with the anger I hold for my EXBF we had had no contact until his accident a week ago I told him stop feeling sorry for himself and start taking responsibilities for his action (driving with a suspended licenses which he blames me for getting into the accident while I am to blame also) he took everything away from me and how his sister has choosen his side even though he lied to her and she was so mad at him and I may never be able to see my Goddaughter again which is the only reason I kept in touch with his sister
I have been channeling my anger in the wrong manner towards him say nasty things to his family about him all of which is the truth..but I still hate that I am letting this anger control so much of my emotions and life...
PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND HOW TO BETTER HANDEL MY ANGER I WANT TO MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY BUT MY ANGER IS GETTING THE BEST OF ME...
I have been channeling my anger in the wrong manner towards him say nasty things to his family about him all of which is the truth..but I still hate that I am letting this anger control so much of my emotions and life...
PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND HOW TO BETTER HANDEL MY ANGER I WANT TO MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY BUT MY ANGER IS GETTING THE BEST OF ME...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I journal about why Im angry. I have always found it to be a secondary emotion. It always explodes out of me because a person has hurt me, disrespected, used me, or hurt me. so my anger doesn't go away until I admit whatever was really bothering me
Instead of " He pisses me off cuz he didn't answer the phone eff him!"
It turns into "I feel abandoned and ignored because he was able to answer the phone and chose not to and that hurts."
hugs. It takes time, that's for sure.
Instead of " He pisses me off cuz he didn't answer the phone eff him!"
It turns into "I feel abandoned and ignored because he was able to answer the phone and chose not to and that hurts."
hugs. It takes time, that's for sure.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
What I notice about my anger is that it's rooted in not getting what I want. I'm a regular member of Al Anon and we focus on recognizing our powerlessness over alcohol/drugs/addiction.
And even taking into how we are powerless over all nouns and pronouns in our lives -- people, places, and things.
When I am angry, it's an obvious symptom of my trying to control something and then being disappointed with the results.
Most often they are rooted in SHOULDS and SHOULDN'TS for me.
He shouldn't have done that.
She should be doing it like this.
He should do this.
He shouldn't think this.
She shouldn't treat me this way.
And on and on.
So there is the issue of how to handle our anger once we are angry...
And there is the issue of how to avoid becoming angry in the first place by realizing how I get angry. And for me I see that it's from trying to assert MY WILL into the picture and not Letting Go and Letting God.
When I am attached to MY WAY and I think I AM RIGHT -- I am setting myself up for disappointment and possibly anger.
The serenity prayer can be helpful:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The only times I have experienced anger is when I am trying to change things I cannot change. How frustrating! Trying to get someone else to change or do something the way I want it to....and then they DON'T! Ugh! It can be enraging.
Much better for me that I try take a deep breath and turn those people, places, and things over to the care of God as I understand Him.
When we are already angry though, here are some things I've done:
- call a friend
- vent here on the forum
- let myself cry and tantrum on my bed
- take a shower
- journal
- rip paper into tiny pieces
- workout
- go into a field and shout/scream
If you haven't already tried going to an Al Anon meeting, check one out near you. They're really great places to get support and learn new tools for taking care of ourselves as we recover from the difficult situations we've found ourselves and the negative and yucky feeling stuff it's brought out in us.
Hang in there and remember - this too shall pass. xo
And even taking into how we are powerless over all nouns and pronouns in our lives -- people, places, and things.
When I am angry, it's an obvious symptom of my trying to control something and then being disappointed with the results.
Most often they are rooted in SHOULDS and SHOULDN'TS for me.
He shouldn't have done that.
She should be doing it like this.
He should do this.
He shouldn't think this.
She shouldn't treat me this way.
And on and on.
So there is the issue of how to handle our anger once we are angry...
And there is the issue of how to avoid becoming angry in the first place by realizing how I get angry. And for me I see that it's from trying to assert MY WILL into the picture and not Letting Go and Letting God.
When I am attached to MY WAY and I think I AM RIGHT -- I am setting myself up for disappointment and possibly anger.
The serenity prayer can be helpful:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The only times I have experienced anger is when I am trying to change things I cannot change. How frustrating! Trying to get someone else to change or do something the way I want it to....and then they DON'T! Ugh! It can be enraging.
Much better for me that I try take a deep breath and turn those people, places, and things over to the care of God as I understand Him.
When we are already angry though, here are some things I've done:
- call a friend
- vent here on the forum
- let myself cry and tantrum on my bed
- take a shower
- journal
- rip paper into tiny pieces
- workout
- go into a field and shout/scream
If you haven't already tried going to an Al Anon meeting, check one out near you. They're really great places to get support and learn new tools for taking care of ourselves as we recover from the difficult situations we've found ourselves and the negative and yucky feeling stuff it's brought out in us.
Hang in there and remember - this too shall pass. xo
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
When Im angry I try to look at the root cause of why. Usually it links back to what emotion is going on deeper inside of me. Fear, sadness over broken dreams, being disrespected, etc. Then I deal with that & why the person/situation held that power over me. That line, pick your battles... sort of like pick what angers you. ive found most of it is not worth my time. There are better, more positive things that I can turn and focus on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
A friend of mine, who happens to be a recovering addict, told me once "anger is the illusion of control". It hit me like a 2x4. When I get angry, I may think I'm trying to control something but it is actually a demonstration of how out of control I am.
It has now become a game to me. If someone else is angry, my "game" is to stay as calm and controlled as I can.
He (or she) who stays calm and controlled........WINS.
That's what works for me.
I think it's important to distinguish between "anger" and "resentment".....I used to get those two things confused. For me, anger is in the moment.......resentment is the result of deep rooted unresolved anger. Letting go of resentments is extremely liberating.
gentle hugs
ke
It has now become a game to me. If someone else is angry, my "game" is to stay as calm and controlled as I can.
He (or she) who stays calm and controlled........WINS.
That's what works for me.
I think it's important to distinguish between "anger" and "resentment".....I used to get those two things confused. For me, anger is in the moment.......resentment is the result of deep rooted unresolved anger. Letting go of resentments is extremely liberating.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
When I am attached to MY WAY and I think I AM RIGHT-- I am setting myself up for disappointment and possibly anger..
This is true this gets me so upset. Even thou I KNOW I am right I cannot control irrational people who are addicts. thanks shinebright
KE, I feel like my anger is out of control sometimes in the heat of the moment I do and say things that I later regret or say or do if I wasn’t so angry.
"I think it important to distinguish between "anger" and "resentment"…I used to get those tow confused. For me, anger is in the moment……resentment is the result of deep rooted unresolved anger. Letting go of resentment is extremely liberating.
KE I knew I could come back here and see your reply to my post and that alone makes me feel so much better you are such an inspritation to me.
I am holding resentment against my EXBF I resent he took me out of my loving safe home and used and abused me over and over, I resent him that he made me feel guilty for not wanting to move in with him and I did it anyways when I should have been caring for someone who truly loved me and needed me as he was undergoing chemotherapy. I resent him for making me Godmother to his niece and now as of Sunday may never be able to see or talk to her again. I resent him for blaming me for him getting into an accident when I didn’t even know he was driving, I resent him for telling everyone I am out to destroy his life, I resent him for all I did for him and him blaming every single bad thing that ever happened to him on me, even when I was nowhere close to him.
I take responsibly for my actions I went back to him and give him more chances than he deserved, I didn’t say things and do this that I am not necessarily proud of but I take responsibility for them, he however never did take responsibility for his part in his messed up life and I resent him for that.
But I am tired and I am giving up hope of ever seeing that little girl ever again because I cannot her relative and I cannot save her. And I cannot continue to fight battles with irrational unhealthy people. I am letting go and letting God but its not easy.
This is true this gets me so upset. Even thou I KNOW I am right I cannot control irrational people who are addicts. thanks shinebright
KE, I feel like my anger is out of control sometimes in the heat of the moment I do and say things that I later regret or say or do if I wasn’t so angry.
"I think it important to distinguish between "anger" and "resentment"…I used to get those tow confused. For me, anger is in the moment……resentment is the result of deep rooted unresolved anger. Letting go of resentment is extremely liberating.
KE I knew I could come back here and see your reply to my post and that alone makes me feel so much better you are such an inspritation to me.
I am holding resentment against my EXBF I resent he took me out of my loving safe home and used and abused me over and over, I resent him that he made me feel guilty for not wanting to move in with him and I did it anyways when I should have been caring for someone who truly loved me and needed me as he was undergoing chemotherapy. I resent him for making me Godmother to his niece and now as of Sunday may never be able to see or talk to her again. I resent him for blaming me for him getting into an accident when I didn’t even know he was driving, I resent him for telling everyone I am out to destroy his life, I resent him for all I did for him and him blaming every single bad thing that ever happened to him on me, even when I was nowhere close to him.
I take responsibly for my actions I went back to him and give him more chances than he deserved, I didn’t say things and do this that I am not necessarily proud of but I take responsibility for them, he however never did take responsibility for his part in his messed up life and I resent him for that.
But I am tired and I am giving up hope of ever seeing that little girl ever again because I cannot her relative and I cannot save her. And I cannot continue to fight battles with irrational unhealthy people. I am letting go and letting God but its not easy.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well....that was cathartic wasn't it! You've identified your resentments and that's GREAT!
Now take it one step further.......identify those resentments that you have control over and identify those you don't have control over. Let go of the things you can't control and take control of the things you can.
I do understand your resentment over not being able to see your little Godchild. I can no longer see my grandson as a result of the fallout of my son's (his father) addiction. I could be very resentful about it but I choose not to be. My grandson's mother is doing the very best she can in a very difficult situation.....I choose not to judge her. I miss my little guy so much....so very very very much......but I don't hold anger against his mother. I don't even hold anger against my son. I find myself in a place of acceptance. I find great comfort knowing that my grandson is well cared for and loved and is not exposed to the chaos of addiction.
Keep working that toxic resentment and anger right on out of you. Identify it like you're doing and process it. It is an amazing feeling when you wake up one day and find the resentment gone.
gentle hugs
ke
Now take it one step further.......identify those resentments that you have control over and identify those you don't have control over. Let go of the things you can't control and take control of the things you can.
I do understand your resentment over not being able to see your little Godchild. I can no longer see my grandson as a result of the fallout of my son's (his father) addiction. I could be very resentful about it but I choose not to be. My grandson's mother is doing the very best she can in a very difficult situation.....I choose not to judge her. I miss my little guy so much....so very very very much......but I don't hold anger against his mother. I don't even hold anger against my son. I find myself in a place of acceptance. I find great comfort knowing that my grandson is well cared for and loved and is not exposed to the chaos of addiction.
Keep working that toxic resentment and anger right on out of you. Identify it like you're doing and process it. It is an amazing feeling when you wake up one day and find the resentment gone.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
OMG KE, yes yes that was cathartic.
I do have control over my emotions and my actions; I do not have control over others such as my Goddaughter mother or her uncle.
I choose my sanity, my well being, my family, friends and happiness over trying to changes other people to see things threw my eyes.
I choose to live my life freely knowing I did the best I could with good intentions from my heart to others. I choose to take responsibility for my actions and accept that I cannot make other do the same.
I am beginning to see things a little more clearly now. How librating when I look at it from a different perspective.
Kindeyes, I want to thank you again for your support and your insight your wisdom inspires me to view life differently. My deepest sincere appreciation to you
You_Rock_
I do have control over my emotions and my actions; I do not have control over others such as my Goddaughter mother or her uncle.
I choose my sanity, my well being, my family, friends and happiness over trying to changes other people to see things threw my eyes.
I choose to live my life freely knowing I did the best I could with good intentions from my heart to others. I choose to take responsibility for my actions and accept that I cannot make other do the same.
I am beginning to see things a little more clearly now. How librating when I look at it from a different perspective.
Kindeyes, I want to thank you again for your support and your insight your wisdom inspires me to view life differently. My deepest sincere appreciation to you
You_Rock_
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I ask myself this same thing. As time has passed my anger has lessened, but it is hard. Sometimes in my mind I will go back over something AGAIN that happened with my xah, and have enough sense to say to myself, "ok, you are reliving. stop. calm down. you must be still angry about this. let it go." then I try to breath and feel my body DE-TENSE.
I think allowing yourself to be angry and acknowledge it is very helpful. And sometimes I ask myself why I am angry and try to analyze and get to the core of what really is bothering me and how I can change it or accept it and move on.
I have heard of people saying to imagine what you are angry about blowing out the window and disappearing.
Journaling
Exercising
Talking (meetings/counselor)
basically take care of yourself and allow yourself to go through the emotions to heal. It isn't easy and it is exhausting. Just don't let it build, unresolved and turn it into bitterness.
A hard part is forgiveness too. Can you not forgive and not be angry? How do you forgive someone who has hurt you and doesn't say they are sorry. How do you let that go? Can you forgive them, but still want nothing to do with them? But isn't that still hanging on to anger.
Just becareful because when your body is at DIS ease it can turn into just that...disease.
Be healthy...mind, body and soul! Work on your happiness.
I think allowing yourself to be angry and acknowledge it is very helpful. And sometimes I ask myself why I am angry and try to analyze and get to the core of what really is bothering me and how I can change it or accept it and move on.
I have heard of people saying to imagine what you are angry about blowing out the window and disappearing.
Journaling
Exercising
Talking (meetings/counselor)
basically take care of yourself and allow yourself to go through the emotions to heal. It isn't easy and it is exhausting. Just don't let it build, unresolved and turn it into bitterness.
A hard part is forgiveness too. Can you not forgive and not be angry? How do you forgive someone who has hurt you and doesn't say they are sorry. How do you let that go? Can you forgive them, but still want nothing to do with them? But isn't that still hanging on to anger.
Just becareful because when your body is at DIS ease it can turn into just that...disease.
Be healthy...mind, body and soul! Work on your happiness.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
Good question about forgiveness. I've been asking it a lot lately. I am reading tones about Buddhism now and forgiveness is basic and extremly important for my self development. But I find it really hard... Even when I think I'm ok, it's just temporary feeling.
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