Trying Not to Mess this UP...

Old 04-01-2013, 11:56 AM
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Exclamation Trying Not to Mess this UP...

I seperated from my ex of 4 years for 4 months when he became addicted to meth. He was a former addict, relapsing. This was by far the worst I had ever seen him. In those months I began to see a former boyfriend again and things were going very well.
About 2 weeks ago, my ex surfaced again, very bad off, looking for a friend so I began to talk to him. Then I paid his rent and phone bill. Now that I have stopped the financial assitance (because I can't afford it and dont' want to enable), he still wants to spend time with me. He is clean right now. Meaning this week. Who knows what next week will bring?
I love my ex and would have stayed with him if it weren't for the meth problem. We had other problems but the meth was over the top and the last straw.

My point is that I love him very much and want to see him sober. I've been reluctant to pull away from him and give all of my attention to my current boyfriend (as I probably should) because I don't want to give my ex any reason to use right now. He does not have any moral or financial support besides me. He burned bridges with all of his past relapses (including family). SO while I realize he and I will not be together in the long run, I'm torn with what role I should be playing for him right now. I just want him to feel like he someone on his side. But its starting to mess with my head quite a bit while I hide the fact that I'm talking to him from the great, healthy guy I am dating right now.

Yes, I realize that my ex is in charge of his decisions and his life choices. And that I'm allowing him to control me by bending to his whims. But he has a lot of social problems (Asperger's), etc. and I'm pretty sure that is why he uses in the first place. My point is that I'm not dealing with a "normal" person in this situation...it's kind of like trying to tip toe around a teenager who will take everything to heart...
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Old 04-01-2013, 12:10 PM
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TheGirlisTrying, its hard to leave behind people you care about, just don't let yourself be dragged down where you don't want to be. Hope all goes well, rootin for ya.
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Old 04-01-2013, 01:01 PM
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Is your ex not using by choice or is he not using because he's broke?

For me, if I had people paying my bills and rent while I was using, that just gave me more reasons not to get clean. I had no consequences. Why would I quit when my rent is free?

He can receive a lot of help and support by going to detox and then attending meetings. You don't have the power to get him clean and keep him clean. If my ex was paying my bills/rent while I was in active addiction, I would definitely want them at my side too and I would say whatever it took to make that happen.

Maybe withdraw and see if he's serious??
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Old 04-01-2013, 01:16 PM
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Is he clean because he is broke? That is a good question. Maybe, and maybe this is just a break.

He went on a pretty heavy binge and road trip with a friend where he realized quickly that he had lost everything he had with him on the trip, got into an arguement with the friend, lost his place to stay and spent a couple of nights on the street. It was a bit of a wake up call, just not sure how much. Maybe even a little simulated homelessness and forshadowing of what is to come if he maintins at the binge pace.

Truth is, he lost all of his money on this trip and owes money to a dealer. This trip came 1 week after losing his job because he stopped showing up on time. His quick fix solution is to get back in the game and deal enough to cover his bills. I see that as the beginning of another end. I even told him I would pay his rent if just walks down the street and gets a crap job at McDonald's or something. He's not hearing it and determined that dealing is his quick ticket out of debt.

I'm not cool with the dealing so I make sure that anytime I see him or talk to him it is not at his residence. Getting caught at the wrong place/wrong would be a huge blow and I'm not willing to take the same risks...

I'm just trying to be supportive in the right ways and am fearful that if I turn away, he will lose all grounding and just spin off on another binge. I admit it was also really hard to know he was on the streets on this past trip so I may just be really happy that he is alive right now and not using my best judgement...hard to know what to do...
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Old 04-01-2013, 01:24 PM
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You keep saying you're afraid to turn away because you don't want to cause him to use/binge again. But nothing you say/do or DON'T say/do will have ANY impact on whether or not HE CHOOSES to use again. Don't carry that undeserved burden of guilt on your shoulders and don't let HIM put it on you. Whether he stays clean or goes back to using, neither decision has anything to do with you - HE is the only one who can make himself use or not use again. I would hate to see you jeopardize a potentially GOOD relationship with someone who cares about you over your XABF's addiction, which most likely is going to be present in his life for a long time to come....please take care of you and put your needs first. ((hugs))
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Old 04-01-2013, 03:40 PM
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I agree that it is totally up to him whether he uses again or not...

But I have struggled with changing my number or just severing the relationship entirely. I haven't because I want to be there should he decide to ask for the help that I have offered in the past (to take him to a meeting or professional help). I've also wanted to be there so he will have a sober prescence in his life. Someone to talk to who is not strung out on meth or living that lifestyle.

Do you guys think it makes a difference to be around in that capacity? I feel like I am sacrificing a little bit to be in that role but is it not worth it? Does it matter?
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Old 04-02-2013, 01:04 PM
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so you are involved with two of your exs?? what does the one ex think about you being involved with the other, and going so far as to pay his BILLS? when you know that THIS is why he is broke?

Truth is, he lost all of his money on this trip and owes money to a dealer. This trip came 1 week after losing his job because he stopped showing up on time. His quick fix solution is to get back in the game and deal enough to cover his bills. I see that as the beginning of another end. I even told him I would pay his rent if just walks down the street and gets a crap job at McDonald's or something. He's not hearing it and determined that dealing is his quick ticket out of debt.

i suggest this isn't about you wanting to stick around and help him get clean, cuz he's is anything BUT clean. but you have nominated yourself to be his savior...the ONLY one. and that's a set up for you AND for him. as long as you keep the door open to "help" him he'll keep showing up, looking all pathetic and needy.

you've got two men on the hook, you need to pick one. or pick none. and be really honest about your own motivations. if he wants real CLEAN AND SOBER role models he can go to AA and/or NA and learn from the experts who've been there and done that. he has a lot of options, make sure you aren't trying to limit those options to just YOU.
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Old 04-02-2013, 02:14 PM
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I appreciate your perspective and think that perhaps you touched on some very valid points. I'm well aware that I'm probably a text book example of co-dependency and am somewhat validated when I get to fly in and save the day for my meth addict ex. Such warm, brief feelings are felt. Our entire relationship was based on me giving and him taking so it is somewhat a continuation of what has always been, just on a different level now.

What does my current boyfriend think of me giving money to the other? Nothing, because he doesn't know. Any man in their right mind would run the other direction, I'm sure. Any man worth having, and this one is. Yes, it is dishonest to hide such things and I've been thinking of how to tell him what is going on. It's just a bit difficult to do over the phone as we are 3 hours away from one another. I would like to have a resolution as well before I confess because the good guy would most certinaly demad one. He is my equal; we're both givers and there is a chance of a future there.

The one thing I can say is that I'm not trying to limit any options to just me. As a codependent, child of alchoholic with addiction issues in my past, I'm no proper guide to the sober life. I've tried to get him family involved, tried reaching out to his friends, offered to drive him to meetings or treatment. He alternates between having a problem and not having a problem...just depends on his mood and the day. All I have is a couple of hugs, kind words, and a debit card.
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Old 04-02-2013, 11:09 PM
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And to conclude, I talked to him to tonight via telephone and he is high as a kite. So all this worrying and concern is really just a waste of time and energy on my part. Unless I'm learning some big lesson and I really hope I am...if not, it's just a waste.
I was separated from this guy but swooped in and got emotionally involved and disillusioned again. He'll probably be on another escapade within a week. nd maybe this time he will feel the fall because I won't cushion it. If I do, I'm doing him a disservice.
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Old 04-03-2013, 10:38 AM
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It's human nature to try and put a pillow at the predicted impact
point when those we care about are in freefall.The problem arises
when we interfere with a closed system.

(I screw up,I experience consequences,consequences HURT,I do
what is neccessary to avoid said consequences in the future.)

Removing consequences from the equation is interfering with
the learning process---harming them in the long run.

The moment of truth came down to 2 choices that sucked.
Did I want to do the right and healthy thing (and have her hate
me)....or do the ego/me thing and 'ride to her rescue again'.

We all know in our hearts what the correct answer is.
If only knowing was enough.

Yeah,I finally go it right......but only after a LOT of painful learning!
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Old 04-03-2013, 12:04 PM
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Call me old school but Iíve never fully grasped the whole long distance relationship thing. I would imagine itís convenient to have someone that you mainly only have to deal with on the phone, text messages and emails. They are not fully present much like the alcoholic and drug addict. I guess it works for some people. Is what you are doing to this new guy fair - NO - kind of sabotaging it for yourself before it even has a chance to grow.

And I guess the big decision facing you is work on your own issues or continue to place his issues center stage.
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