Kindeyes

My son went into long term rehab last November. Since that time, I have had three or four brief conversations with him and seen him once.

He is learning to live his life sober and is doing so in the company of others who are doing the same. It's very bittersweet in a way.....I understand the need and importance of him coming to terms with his addiction and learning to live a life free of substances. I understand that he is a man who is learning to stand on his own two feet and rely on his own internal motivation.

Now this is the strange part and is indicative of my codependence rearing its ugly head. I miss him...... I don't miss the drama. I don't miss the manipulation. But I do miss my son. It's a very strange feeling for me. I hope that as time goes by, we can evolve into a healthy adult to adult relationship. Time always reveals more.....doesn't it? Where I used to cringe when the phone would ring.....expecting the games to begin.....I now find myself wishing the phone WOULD ring! lol....

Just sharing my thoughts this morning. I have given my son up to his HP and, right now, perhaps they are getting to know each other......and that is the relationship that will guide him in the future.

One day at a time......right?

gentle hugs
ke

Katiekate

(((((Kindeyes))))))

If your son keeps doing the right thing, and keeps his head above water, it will be his honor and delight to have you in his life in a mutually supportive and loving relationship.

I will pray for that for him today.

You are simply wonderful

much love to you and yours Katie

Ilovemysonjj

Dearest KE, it is bittersweet AND patience is something that HP has us all walking towards. It is so hard to be patient when you know your loved one is on the road to recovery. I will stand in agreement with you that your wonderful son's heart is being filled with the love and peace from God and that you WILL have an amazing adult relationship with him after he completes his journey in rehab.
PS: Is he in the one year program?

Hanna

Hi KindEyes,
I understand the bittersweet part, and I may be missing something, but I don't think missing him is co-dependent.
It seems like a pretty normal feeling to me.

Peace,
Hanna

JMFburns

KE,

Thank you for continuing to share your journey and the glimpses into your sons journey. I will keep you in my thoughts. Your patience and dedication to your own life is inspiring.

Joan

Kindeyes

Awww thanks you guys.......it felt better just to get my thoughts out than let them dwell there in my tiny little brain.....

He is in Phase I which is a six month program. He can choose to leave at the end of six months or go into Phase II. Time will tell which he decides to do......

gentle hugs
ke

Hanna

So it is community based?

Kindeyes

Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center. It is a great program for addicts who are HIGHLY motivated to get clean and sober. For loiterers (addicts who are going to rehab based on family pressure or legal ultimatums), it probably wouldn't work very well. They are held accountable for their activities and there are LOTS of rules, work therapy, meetings, group counseling, individual counseling, and chapel......lots of chapel.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

I'm so glad your boy is doing well, Kindeyes.

Time will make this all more comfortable for both of you.

pravchaw

Bittersweet indeed! I too miss my son, who is living separately from us due to his addiction. He is now sober for over a week and taking an interest in his school work. I thank god for every tiny step.
Best wishes, Kind eyes.

DJ0822

Wow, Kindeyes, I could have written this same post. My son is in a SLE about 75miles away, sober since mid December. As expected, Christmas was sad, but easy to accept as it was because he was in rehab. Now that its been 3 months clean in SLE, I felt overwhelmingly sad at Easter. He is doing the right thing, and I am grateful, but there is still a part of me that misses what could have been. I feel so confused about my sadness. I should be ecstatic that he is embracing his recovery, doing the meetings, sincerely connected to a God he truly believes saved him. Sometimes I envy his serenity he seems to have achieved. I haven't yet achieved serenity. I still cry at the pain we all experienced, the pain my son is currently experiencing in missing his 2-year old daughter (he visits her about 2-3x a month, and as you do, I miss my son! I want him living close to me, but I know that's not realistic. He talks of a future for himself staying in his current city, where there is a strong sober and recovering community, eventually leaving SLE and living on his own. Still, I am sad. Selfish, I guess.

Kindeyes

I think you and I are on the same page for the most part. Actually, I am glad that I'm not ecstatic....I do feel a gentle peace.....serenity. For me, ecstatic is part of the roller coaster ride (ecstatic....depressed....ecstatic....depressed... .lol). But there's that part of me that wants to rush the process.....lol.....I am forever impatient but I know that things will happen in God's time.....I just need to stay out of the way!!

Since I've talked to and seen my son so little over the last 4+ months, I have no idea what his future plans are at this point. He has less than two months to go to complete the six month program (Phase I). Of course, I am hoping that he stays for the Phase II but that will be his choice. The job prospects are much better where he is right now than they are down here so I'm also hoping that he'll stay up there. The SA-ARC will assist him with finding employment while giving him a place to live and access to the counseling, etc. They would also assist him in making legal arrangements so that he can reunite with his son. But all of this is out of my control.....just expressing my wishes here because I can't express them to him.

So as much as I do miss him, I also feel comfortable that he is doing what he needs to do to live an independent sober life. Interference on my part would be inappropriate.......so I'm leaving it up to God and my son. (I have to laugh at that because there was a day when I wouldn't have recognized it as inappropriate.....I would have been all up in his grill....lol)

Thanks for sharing.......I think we all are comforted by the knowledge that we are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Justfor1

Kindeyes, it has been my personal experience that the Salvation Army ARC's will hire you in some way if they see you working hard in their program. A friend of mine was hired as a "detox coordinator" after he completed I think Phase II or something. Salvation Army also has a lot of political oull in the city I live in that helps with employment. I am sure he is given a breathalyzer test every time he returns to the facility & given random drug tests. They are instant drug tests as they do not want to allow intoxicated workers in their warehouses. He is in a good place & I am sure he has told you stories of all the guys who have relapsed & have been kicked out.

Kindeyes

Thank you so much for giving me some more information. I'm not asking him questions when I do talk to him.....I'm just allowing him to volunteer the information he wants to share. Yes. He did tell me of the guys who have been kicked out (usuallly for breaking an assortment of rules) or who walked out (because they didn't want to abide by said rules).

In the family meeting that I attended up there, the gentlemen who presented told us a little bit about the Phase II process. He said that they don't talk about it much to the guys until toward the end of Phase I because they want them to concentrate on staying clean and sober and sticking to the busy schedule of work, meetings, group counseling, individual counseling, and...of course...chapel. He did say that they have a strong relationship with a law association that provides assistance with getting their legal and family issues straightened around.

I do have hope at this point. I just keep chatting with God and promising that I'll continue to stay out of his way.

Thanks for the additional information. It was greatly appreciated.

gentle hugs
ke