horriblethisis

It's so obvious to me that my entire family and friends think that I can do better and deserve better than what I have endured with my AH for many years. Some call me an "inspiration" for leaving him and doing what is right for me. Some tell me I am so strong to be able to now take care of myself and move on from all of the chaos. Some tell me that I deserve a man who can take care of me for a change. If everybody tells me "what I want to hear", but what they honestly feel to be true...then why am I feeling lousy today? My dad (who passed away) came to me in a dream and told me "AH was really trying". What does that mean??? Is my dad telling me I should give my AH "another" chance?? I saw my AH today for the first time in probably three weeks (he came over for Easter Dessert) and I only let him stay one hour. He continues to do the right things in his recovery, and moving forward in a positive manner...from what I can tell, but why do I still feel lousy? Does that mean that all of the resentment that has been built up for so many years, the lack of trust, the pieces of my soul plucked piece by piece, and disconnect in our relationship mean that we are completely done in my mind? My heart has really hardened since I left him, that I know for sure...I guard my heart so much more now. He still looks at me as if he will love me forever, and this he tells me too...but I am just not feeling it as something that I can return to him. Has this what his addiction has done to me? Are my feelings telling me that it's too late for us? Is my heart being true to me...is that why I feel lousy...because I feel bad for him? Oh geez...it's never a good thing when the heart and mind are not connected...is it?

EnglishGarden

Yes. This is what his addiction has done to your RELATIONSHIP. And as a result, you don't know if you can trust him.

It is never easy to be in the presence of someone you are so uncertain of. Trust takes a moment to lose and years, sometimes, to rebuild.

Lily1918

Oh I have MAJOR trust issues, with my RABF and my RA mom. It really does take lots and lots of time. My friends all have different opinions about how I live my life.

Yes. Addiction changes everything, but... imho so can recovery if given a substantial amount of time. If you had asked me at 17 if I ever would have had a lovely afternoon with my mom again I would have insisted NEVER! It took years. But also, if you had asked me if I ever would have stopped contact with my sister (also an addict) I would have said NEVER.

I say... only time will tell, because the only constant in life is change, either change towards active addiction/ codependency or change towards recovery. I dont believe there is such a thing as stagnance. I always find myself, or the ones I love moving forward or backward.

I think I see you beginning to sparkle. I feel pain in my situation too, but I counteract it by focusing on whatever is good. Even though somedays its only coffee and a bubble bath.
Hugs. We are all walking with you in spirit.
Keep doing you.
Lily

FeelingGreat

Hi HTI, I wouldn't read dreams too literally. It's probably your own sub-consious that is questioning you, wrapped up in the guise of your father. And even if it was your father (which it isn't) maybe ghosts give lousy advice anyway
I think it's a natural part of the healing process to second guess yourself, but you did what you did for good reasons. As time passes and you stop feeling responsible for the way your ex feels, you will move on.

Ann

We can forgive and let go of the resentment that eats away at us, and we can find peace with the relationship "as is".

That doesn't mean we have to return to the way things were. What it means is that we finally accept what is and can see the good person underneath the damaged soul of addiction.

Finding peace with our situation doesn't mean we go back to how things were, it means we move forward unencumbered by the sadness and anger of resentment.

You will be okay, you will find your way soon, just keep looking forward with peace in your heart.

Hugs

LoveMeNow

I just wanted to add - please be careful about confusing pity for love. We can easily lose our objectivity when fear, obligation, guilt and pity exists.

I had a friend in a similar delimna, she kept firm boundaries and simply dated her husband for a while. In the end, she knew she was done. Even dating him, she saw how it was still always all about him and the lack of trust was always there. But that's just her story....we each have our own.

Best advice I ever receive, is just to listen to my instincts.

Redvelvetcake59

As a big sister of a little brother who is a substance and alcohol abuser for long term, I can safely say that the family does believe that you can do better and deserve better. My brother spent a good part of his life addicted and has no idea how any of us feel about seeing him sloppy pissy drunk or high off drugs lying in the street pissing on himself or worst. We know the jobs he has gotten fired from or lost because of his addictions and so Yes, as a big sister, and one I might add that has never been able to have any connection with her baby brother because of all this.....you do deserve better and you can do better....it may take some time and nobody is on a time schedule here, but I want him to live what life he has left in his right mind and in the real world....not some alcohol soaked, drug altering state that he will probably never remember.