blueeyedlady

My daughter is currently in jail on heroin possessing/distributing charges. She's twenty-three. We had no idea she was even using heroin. Anyway, she did not contact me when she got arrested. Neither did her father; I found out on the social media. Anyway, I wrote her a letter last week, just focusing on how much we all love her and reminding her of how many people have always loved her. I didn't mention much else. So, she wrote me back. 4 pages of how I was a "bad" mother, how we moved all the time so that she didn't feel like she had a home (I graduated nursing school and bought a house in the suburbs back then). She twisted a lot of what went on when she was a teenager. No sense of reality at all. Then, the next half of the letter she explained all of her current boyfriends arrests and charges; of course, none of them were HIS fault...So, my question is, do I write back? I did write her a shorter letter again reminding her that we love her. I didn't respond to any of her accusations and stories. But, I haven't mailed it. My issue is do I let her use me as a punching bag when she's the one who has made so many bad decisions? My hope for her is fading fast. She's going into a judicial diversion program, 28 days inpatient, of course, right in the area she's been living in, and then outpatient. True, if she doesn't do well, she gets automatic jail time. But, 28 days in that area is not enough. But, I know, I can't control that. It's just that it seems things are going to get worse for awhile. At any rate, not sure if I should just not contact her for a bit or continue, even though she makes me feel so rotten. She's just not getting it, so to speak.

atalose

It’s been my experience to NOT engage the addict. Don’t get drawn in to their “quacking” and “blame”.

If it were me I would wait until after she has those 28 days of rehab under her belt before you make any decisions on contacting her. Use this time to learn as much as you can about addiction, about what addicts do and built your knowledge to better prepare yourself for contact with her.

I am sorry you are going through this, this is a great place with allot of understanding people.
((hugs))

Hanna

I think you should do whatever will make you feel okay. If that means responding with a message that says I am sorry you are hurting and I love you or a message that says "that's a damn poor reason to put poison in your body" or not responding at all, it is all acceptable.

But I think you already know that you can't expect to get any satisfaction or improvement out of her by anything you say or don't say.

I am sorry you are going through this. Sober Recovery is a great resource for dealing with this situation. Glad you found the forum.

Please keep reading and posting, and read the sticky posts at the top of the forum.

Peace,
Hanna

LoveMeNow

Just because she says its so, doesn't mean its true! I wouldn't respond to the letter. Blame shifting, deflection, and manipulation are just typical behaviors of an addict. Hopefully, after she is clean for a while, her reality will become clearer.

However, if possible, I would attend any family sessions at the rehab to further learn all I could about addiction for her and the family members.

Sorry for your pain! Addiction is just beyond evil.

tootsl1

Blue eyed lady,,
I agree with atalose, but I will also add, that when I was in my 20's I hated my dad and blamed him for everything ad in my life, I felt he had been an awful father and could barely bring myself to be in the same room as him.
I received some counselling, and did a lot of growing up. I learned that we can only blame our past for so much, then we have to move on and take responsibility for our actions. Kids don't come with an instruction manual, and parent make mistakes, and sometimes like with my father, their issues can impact on a relationship with a child. I have a better relationship with my father now, but I am still a little judgemental and we will never be really close. That said, I no longer blame him for who I am. Your daughter may mature and recognise her own weaknesses and flaws, or she may not. All you can do is remain steadfast in your love but carry on with your own life.
She is making her own choices now, as must you.