in jail and using?
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in jail and using?
Hi all...thx in advance for checkin out my thread which is a huge concern in my life right now! I will try to condense m story for u as much as I can..lol. As u can see from my name, my ad bf was using and never told me. Was the best bf I've ever had in all ways and my best friend! 
It all changed when he was arrested and I lost my bf to jail in the blink of an eye...couldn't even say goodbye...and keep in mind, I had no clue what he was doing! After many and many convos w his Mom and learning his real life I decided to support him in hope of a new life for him, a sobor life! Well he's still in there and had my first visit months later (talking and writing though since this happened) and when Isaw him, it was like another person...full healthy face glowing so beautiful...he went on and on how he does not want this life on the streets anymore and if he got out and had to live that way again, he'd rather stay in jail! This I BELIEVE....but now is the problem...few mos later and I'm concerned he's using from some things he's saying. I tell him...never was afraid to confront him (unlike his Mom) but he says he's not but my gut tells me he's lying. I know his doc is inside there w dudes selling in there and I know he was clean and being tested for workrelease but now that workrelase isn't an option I feel he doesn't have to stay clean if u know what I mean? Sry for long story...but how will Iknow if Icant fully trust him? I will prob talk 2him in few days and I'm feelin torn he's lying again!!! I love him and try 2keep our two lives seperate while he's away but they're crossing and Ifeel stuck....ps he's out in few months ...
It all changed when he was arrested and I lost my bf to jail in the blink of an eye...couldn't even say goodbye...and keep in mind, I had no clue what he was doing! After many and many convos w his Mom and learning his real life I decided to support him in hope of a new life for him, a sobor life! Well he's still in there and had my first visit months later (talking and writing though since this happened) and when Isaw him, it was like another person...full healthy face glowing so beautiful...he went on and on how he does not want this life on the streets anymore and if he got out and had to live that way again, he'd rather stay in jail! This I BELIEVE....but now is the problem...few mos later and I'm concerned he's using from some things he's saying. I tell him...never was afraid to confront him (unlike his Mom) but he says he's not but my gut tells me he's lying. I know his doc is inside there w dudes selling in there and I know he was clean and being tested for workrelease but now that workrelase isn't an option I feel he doesn't have to stay clean if u know what I mean? Sry for long story...but how will Iknow if Icant fully trust him? I will prob talk 2him in few days and I'm feelin torn he's lying again!!! I love him and try 2keep our two lives seperate while he's away but they're crossing and Ifeel stuck....ps he's out in few months ...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
I think you need to listen to your gut. YOU KNOW the truth.
Just assuming that he is using. What have you got to lose at this point? Take advantage of the time you have away from him and work on YOU. Concentrate on YOU! Maybe you will find peace in yourself before he gets out....
You don't need to worry while he is in there. He will do what he will. You have NO control over what he does. It is up to him to make the best of his time. NOT UP TO YOU!
Look at it this way. He can't hurt himself. He can't hurt you or his mom. He is being fed and looked after... So don't worry about him.
Take some time to think ... Do you really want to continue this when he gets out?
Just assuming that he is using. What have you got to lose at this point? Take advantage of the time you have away from him and work on YOU. Concentrate on YOU! Maybe you will find peace in yourself before he gets out....
You don't need to worry while he is in there. He will do what he will. You have NO control over what he does. It is up to him to make the best of his time. NOT UP TO YOU!
Look at it this way. He can't hurt himself. He can't hurt you or his mom. He is being fed and looked after... So don't worry about him.
Take some time to think ... Do you really want to continue this when he gets out?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello, my son has been in jail three times for 4 months each time. At first he is so contrite, so willing to do anything to get help and so eager to see us. As time goes on, they change. Being in jail means being and acting a certain way. This time my son is in a higher security protected custody and is not able to get to as many people or things. It is a known fact that in jail the drugs are as easy to get as on the streets. Now is the time to work on you (as Blueholly said) and when he gets out, see what his actions prove.
Best of luck, it is very hard I know.
TT
Best of luck, it is very hard I know.
TT
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
If you think he is using, then he most likely is. When addicts first get into jail they always promise how different they will be when they get out. It's just like when a child gets in trouble and the first thing out of his mouth is "I'm sorry I'll never do it again". When addicts get arrested, go to jail, or their addiction gets discovered they always say they will change...it is watching their actions and looking at what they are doing to be in recovery that matters..not their words.
Drugs are extremely easy to get in jail so if you think he is using, he is. While he is still in jail you should use this time to really evaluate your relationship. Some things to consider are that he lied to you until he literally couldn't anymore since he was arrested and you think he is using. If someone can't stay sober in jail there is no way they are going to stay sober when they get out and they are back in their own element around people they used to use with. What would concern me the most is that your whole relationship was based on a lie. It wasn't that he just didn't tell you he did drugs, it is that when on drugs a persons personality, priorities, etc. are all dictated by drugs. I know this because I am a recovered heroin and I can tell you that when someone is hiding drug use they are hiding millions of other things.
Try to just concentrate on yourself and look at what you want out of your life. Staying with an active addict will be life changing no matter how much you love him and no mater how determined you are to achieve your own dreams.
Drugs are extremely easy to get in jail so if you think he is using, he is. While he is still in jail you should use this time to really evaluate your relationship. Some things to consider are that he lied to you until he literally couldn't anymore since he was arrested and you think he is using. If someone can't stay sober in jail there is no way they are going to stay sober when they get out and they are back in their own element around people they used to use with. What would concern me the most is that your whole relationship was based on a lie. It wasn't that he just didn't tell you he did drugs, it is that when on drugs a persons personality, priorities, etc. are all dictated by drugs. I know this because I am a recovered heroin and I can tell you that when someone is hiding drug use they are hiding millions of other things.
Try to just concentrate on yourself and look at what you want out of your life. Staying with an active addict will be life changing no matter how much you love him and no mater how determined you are to achieve your own dreams.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Thx..Maylie...IWILL NOT stay w an active addict! I have a lot of respect for myself and no way shape or form will allow it! I've already told him if any druguse etc...I'm done and he said he knows! I feel he wants the change in his life....just whether he can do it. He's had a very traumatic childhood and i know this from his Mom so Iwant to stand by and see if he can do this...I'm sure of that...its just hard not knowing what's goin on in there. He's never asked me for money andi know he truley loves me but since uve said u used to do heroin...didn't he have to lie from the beginning? He couldn't introduce himself as an active. Addict...ya know? He did tell me lots upfront about his life which was true I learned from his Mom.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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gfwhoneverknew,
I know how hard it is to be torn with wanting to stay by the addicts side but wanting to set the boundary of not being with an active addict. I always go back and forth because I have been there so I know how hard it is and can understand the commitment it takes but at the same time I need to draw the line and let the person go if he or she is still actively using.
As far from lying from the beginning, yeah he had to have lied from the beginning. Thinking too hard on what was a lie and what was the truth will literally drive you insane. You don't want to start thinking if every time he was late, didn't answer the phone, was with friends, didn't feel good, was moody, etc. etc. was because of drugs. The truth is, the answer is prob. yes to all of them anyway. I also want to warn you that drugs, heroin in particular, makes a person act a lot different then how they usually are sober. When high it is very easy to be lovey dovey, want to do all cute couple stuff, be supportive to others, etc. because you feel so good that everything seems great. I have known many couples that after one got sober the relationship was completely different. I'm not saying he will be different, just a heads up that he might not be the same. Also, the first couple of months, sometimes even years, of being newly sober comes with a lot of ups and downs. It is a whole new world sober and most addicts aren't prepared to deal with life without the crutch of drugs.
What it comes down to is learning to trust your gut and if you stay, then staying for the right reasons. It gets very easy to say "i'll give him one more chance" or "he is trying I can't leave him while he is sick and depressed" but just know that if you ever want to leave don't feel guilty. A lot of addicts use the line "I couldn't do this without you" or "You're the only reason i'm sober" or "you're my rock without I'd be lost" and it tends to make people feel obligated to stay. Do not let him put any of that pressure on you. While I am sure you are an amazing source of support and a loving girlfriend, that doesn't mean that he couldn't do it without you. You have every right to be happy and not feel like his addiction is on your shoulders.
Keep reading and posting. It always helps to get things out and get feedback!
I know how hard it is to be torn with wanting to stay by the addicts side but wanting to set the boundary of not being with an active addict. I always go back and forth because I have been there so I know how hard it is and can understand the commitment it takes but at the same time I need to draw the line and let the person go if he or she is still actively using.
As far from lying from the beginning, yeah he had to have lied from the beginning. Thinking too hard on what was a lie and what was the truth will literally drive you insane. You don't want to start thinking if every time he was late, didn't answer the phone, was with friends, didn't feel good, was moody, etc. etc. was because of drugs. The truth is, the answer is prob. yes to all of them anyway. I also want to warn you that drugs, heroin in particular, makes a person act a lot different then how they usually are sober. When high it is very easy to be lovey dovey, want to do all cute couple stuff, be supportive to others, etc. because you feel so good that everything seems great. I have known many couples that after one got sober the relationship was completely different. I'm not saying he will be different, just a heads up that he might not be the same. Also, the first couple of months, sometimes even years, of being newly sober comes with a lot of ups and downs. It is a whole new world sober and most addicts aren't prepared to deal with life without the crutch of drugs.
What it comes down to is learning to trust your gut and if you stay, then staying for the right reasons. It gets very easy to say "i'll give him one more chance" or "he is trying I can't leave him while he is sick and depressed" but just know that if you ever want to leave don't feel guilty. A lot of addicts use the line "I couldn't do this without you" or "You're the only reason i'm sober" or "you're my rock without I'd be lost" and it tends to make people feel obligated to stay. Do not let him put any of that pressure on you. While I am sure you are an amazing source of support and a loving girlfriend, that doesn't mean that he couldn't do it without you. You have every right to be happy and not feel like his addiction is on your shoulders.
Keep reading and posting. It always helps to get things out and get feedback!
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gfw, yes inmates still have access to drugs in jail & prison. They also make homemade alcohol from various fruit & sugar. Frequently, addicts will find themselves on the low end of the totem pole while incarcerated. Addicts who are use to hustling & conning family & friends will find it much harder to hustle fellow inmates.
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Thx all! Maylie...ur warnings are appreciated a lot! I hope Ihad him atsome point not high?? Toward the end he was sick a lot and I didn't know havin withdrawel...shakes and always in my tub! But if he was doin pot at night was he still high on oxys??
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Ps...he's told me he was clean for two yrs and knows he screwed up by hangin w old friends again. Said cuz he was bored and tells me now how important it is for him to stay busy and not let himself get bored!?? Does this mean anything 2u?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Originally Posted by Maylie 
gfwhoneverknew,
I know how hard it is to be torn with wanting to stay by the addicts side but wanting to set the boundary of not being with an active addict. I always go back and forth because I have been there so I know how hard it is and can understand the commitment it takes but at the same time I need to draw the line and let the person go if he or she is still actively using.
As far from lying from the beginning, yeah he had to have lied from the beginning. Thinking too hard on what was a lie and what was the truth will literally drive you insane. You don't want to start thinking if every time he was late, didn't answer the phone, was with friends, didn't feel good, was moody, etc. etc. was because of drugs. The truth is, the answer is prob. yes to all of them anyway. I also want to warn you that drugs, heroin in particular, makes a person act a lot different then how they usually are sober. When high it is very easy to be lovey dovey, want to do all cute couple stuff, be supportive to others, etc. because you feel so good that everything seems great. I have known many couples that after one got sober the relationship was completely different. I'm not saying he will be different, just a heads up that he might not be the same. Also, the first couple of months, sometimes even years, of being newly sober comes with a lot of ups and downs. It is a whole new world sober and most addicts aren't prepared to deal with life without the crutch of drugs.
What it comes down to is learning to trust your gut and if you stay, then staying for the right reasons. It gets very easy to say "i'll give him one more chance" or "he is trying I can't leave him while he is sick and depressed" but just know that if you ever want to leave don't feel guilty. A lot of addicts use the line "I couldn't do this without you" or "You're the only reason i'm sober" or "you're my rock without I'd be lost" and it tends to make people feel obligated to stay. Do not let him put any of that pressure on you. While I am sure you are an amazing source of support and a loving girlfriend, that doesn't mean that he couldn't do it without you. You have every right to be happy and not feel like his addiction is on your shoulders.
Keep reading and posting. It always helps to get things out and get feedback!
I know how hard it is to be torn with wanting to stay by the addicts side but wanting to set the boundary of not being with an active addict. I always go back and forth because I have been there so I know how hard it is and can understand the commitment it takes but at the same time I need to draw the line and let the person go if he or she is still actively using.
As far from lying from the beginning, yeah he had to have lied from the beginning. Thinking too hard on what was a lie and what was the truth will literally drive you insane. You don't want to start thinking if every time he was late, didn't answer the phone, was with friends, didn't feel good, was moody, etc. etc. was because of drugs. The truth is, the answer is prob. yes to all of them anyway. I also want to warn you that drugs, heroin in particular, makes a person act a lot different then how they usually are sober. When high it is very easy to be lovey dovey, want to do all cute couple stuff, be supportive to others, etc. because you feel so good that everything seems great. I have known many couples that after one got sober the relationship was completely different. I'm not saying he will be different, just a heads up that he might not be the same. Also, the first couple of months, sometimes even years, of being newly sober comes with a lot of ups and downs. It is a whole new world sober and most addicts aren't prepared to deal with life without the crutch of drugs.
What it comes down to is learning to trust your gut and if you stay, then staying for the right reasons. It gets very easy to say "i'll give him one more chance" or "he is trying I can't leave him while he is sick and depressed" but just know that if you ever want to leave don't feel guilty. A lot of addicts use the line "I couldn't do this without you" or "You're the only reason i'm sober" or "you're my rock without I'd be lost" and it tends to make people feel obligated to stay. Do not let him put any of that pressure on you. While I am sure you are an amazing source of support and a loving girlfriend, that doesn't mean that he couldn't do it without you. You have every right to be happy and not feel like his addiction is on your shoulders.
Keep reading and posting. It always helps to get things out and get feedback!
Wow! It never ceases to amaze me that I think that I have learned so much, only to find out I know so little about my addict...(AH) Here i was giving GF advice when your post really hit home!! You answered all the questions in my mind.. Even though I am making arrangements to move forward, I still have little nagging voices in the back of my mind. "what if he needs me to get sober", "what if, what if..." Even though I know that I am doing the right thing by leaving... for my kids... and he is in far to deep for us to be around when he gets sober. I have seen that before and NEVER want to do that again... He is WAY to volitale when he comes down.
But this is what got me the most. Cuz I don't think that anyone else has addressed it. You said.
"a person act a lot different then how they usually are sober. When high it is very easy to be lovey dovey, want to do all cute couple stuff, be supportive to others, etc. because you feel so good that everything seems great."
That is always the thing that gets me the most. When he is around, which is usually never at this point. But, he always is like I love you honey... blah blah..It is so hard for my mind to comprehend. I think it is when he is high he is in such a good mood.. life is great.. i love you... He talks a good game.
So it was good for me to hear you say all that..
GFWHONEVERNEW. I guess I shouldn't be giving you advice... as I am also learning.. ALOT! But stay with the forum. These people know what you are going through. And so do I!
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ok, let's back this truck up to the beginning. if i understand correctly, he was using drugs the entire time you were together and you never knew about it until he got arrested. so who YOU thought you were dealing with was not real. he lied to you the entire time, hid his drug use and whatever it was he did to support that habit. sounds like theft or prescription forgery or something.
now he's in jail. and he's singing the jailbird tune...oh i get it now, i'm gonna clean up and i'd rather stay in jail than go back to the streets. you said how healthy he looked IN JAIL. think hard about that for a moment...probably the closest to the real/undrugged him you ever saw was while he's been LOCKED UP.
now all of the sudden you have it in your head that he's using IN JAIL. or that he will use. and your head is spinning. you're sure he's lying to you again. or you think he is. you say you love him.
how is that possible? you've never really KNOWN him.
i'd suggest to put some space between you....wait until AFTER he is released and watch from a safe distance and see how he acts, what he does. and keep watching from that safe distance for at least six months. watch and learn who he REALLY is. if he words from jail hold any true meaning.
now he's in jail. and he's singing the jailbird tune...oh i get it now, i'm gonna clean up and i'd rather stay in jail than go back to the streets. you said how healthy he looked IN JAIL. think hard about that for a moment...probably the closest to the real/undrugged him you ever saw was while he's been LOCKED UP.
now all of the sudden you have it in your head that he's using IN JAIL. or that he will use. and your head is spinning. you're sure he's lying to you again. or you think he is. you say you love him.
how is that possible? you've never really KNOWN him.
i'd suggest to put some space between you....wait until AFTER he is released and watch from a safe distance and see how he acts, what he does. and keep watching from that safe distance for at least six months. watch and learn who he REALLY is. if he words from jail hold any true meaning.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Blueholly,
I'm really happy that I was able to settle some things in your head. I stay on here not only to get support for myself, but also to try to help loved ones understand how deep some of the drug use/manipulation goes since as a recovered heroin addict I have done it and as a loved one of an addict have let myself get pulled in even though I should know better. It is hard to walk away when the "I love you" and cuddling and "lets take the kids to the park! lets go to the movies! lets have family night! let me help you with the housework! " ect kicks in but I can tell you first hand that it is the drugs talking. Without the drugs that lovey person will be sick in bed, grumpy, mean, etc. It really messes with the loved ones heads because we want to only remember the lovey person, not the a-hole. You're doing the right thing for you and your kids, don't doubt yourself. If you ever need to vent you can always private message me!
gfwhoneverknew,
If he was sick, shaking, and in the tub all the time then he was def. withdrawing bad. As for smoking pot at night, he could be substituting his drug of choice with it to still get high but look like he is doing better by saying "its only pot". Smoking pot instead of his drug of choice is still continuing that addict behavior of always chasing a high.
As for the "I got bored" or "I went back to those friends and I shouldn't have" that is complete bull. Addicts ALWAYS use the excuses of "life is boring without drugs" or "what else is there to do around here anyway" etc. etc. and it a sorry excuse for what is really going on which is "Screw everything I want to get high" ..Life is only boring because the only thing he wants to do is get high. As for meeting up with old friends, he did that because he wanted to get high and knew hanging with those friends would help him rationalize using since they are all using and would tell him using isn't a big deal and life is boring and he deserves to relax blah blah blah. Lastly, needing to stay busy is a lame excuse also because if he was in active recovery he would be busy since he would be fighting for his life everyday and doing whatever it took to stay clean..not seeking out old friends, lieing, and pretending that life is so boring and drab without drugs.
Let him get out of jail and work on himself before you decide whether to be with him or not. You will see very quickly whether he is serious about being sober. He will either get sober, go back to using, or claim he is sober and try with everything in his being to hide it from you. Don't take his word on anything, look at the actions and let that do the talking. You can private message me if you ever want to talk
I'm really happy that I was able to settle some things in your head. I stay on here not only to get support for myself, but also to try to help loved ones understand how deep some of the drug use/manipulation goes since as a recovered heroin addict I have done it and as a loved one of an addict have let myself get pulled in even though I should know better. It is hard to walk away when the "I love you" and cuddling and "lets take the kids to the park! lets go to the movies! lets have family night! let me help you with the housework! " ect kicks in but I can tell you first hand that it is the drugs talking. Without the drugs that lovey person will be sick in bed, grumpy, mean, etc. It really messes with the loved ones heads because we want to only remember the lovey person, not the a-hole. You're doing the right thing for you and your kids, don't doubt yourself. If you ever need to vent you can always private message me!
gfwhoneverknew,
If he was sick, shaking, and in the tub all the time then he was def. withdrawing bad. As for smoking pot at night, he could be substituting his drug of choice with it to still get high but look like he is doing better by saying "its only pot". Smoking pot instead of his drug of choice is still continuing that addict behavior of always chasing a high.
As for the "I got bored" or "I went back to those friends and I shouldn't have" that is complete bull. Addicts ALWAYS use the excuses of "life is boring without drugs" or "what else is there to do around here anyway" etc. etc. and it a sorry excuse for what is really going on which is "Screw everything I want to get high" ..Life is only boring because the only thing he wants to do is get high. As for meeting up with old friends, he did that because he wanted to get high and knew hanging with those friends would help him rationalize using since they are all using and would tell him using isn't a big deal and life is boring and he deserves to relax blah blah blah. Lastly, needing to stay busy is a lame excuse also because if he was in active recovery he would be busy since he would be fighting for his life everyday and doing whatever it took to stay clean..not seeking out old friends, lieing, and pretending that life is so boring and drab without drugs.
Let him get out of jail and work on himself before you decide whether to be with him or not. You will see very quickly whether he is serious about being sober. He will either get sober, go back to using, or claim he is sober and try with everything in his being to hide it from you. Don't take his word on anything, look at the actions and let that do the talking. You can private message me if you ever want to talk
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