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Pondering talking to the addict once and for all

Old 03-27-2013, 07:39 PM
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Pondering talking to the addict once and for all

While my addict friend (we'll call her Laura) and I have stopped talking to each other.
I feel like she thinks I was over-reacting to her by questioning her if she remembered her actions and her words during our "friendship" (or w/e you wanna call it).

I'd like to either call her up, or meet her in person and tell her that she needs to get her crap together for her own sake as well as her kids.
Btw, she has quite the life, rich father who clearly had no time for her while she was growing up as he was too busy making millions.
So she has this princess/victim mentality, really odd, but of course, it's all in retrospect that I see things more clearly.
People would LOVE to have the kind of life she has, nice house, 3 cute kids, great car....(middle of separation according to her...truth or life, who knows now...oxy-talk).

My therapist said she may have a personality disorder of sorts (I looked it up, thought maybe a narcissistic personality disorder), but of course, the focus was on me and the talk about her own issues was fleeting.

But I'm assuming you're all going to say it's pointless in talking to an addict?


Anyways, yay or nay to doing a once and for all send off with my final thoughts?
Although, in our last texts to each other, I did get a little harsh with her and those who did read it said it was fine and sometimes people need to read things like that to wake them up, but I don't think it phased her and I came off looking like the a--hole.


I just feel like she really thinks I was the crazy one and for some reason I'm letting that bother me, because clearly I wasn't.


But ironically enough, maybe I am crazy just for thinking that I could actually talk to her and convince her that she has issues and not me?

She has no friends, never met any and I only heard about one friend but she lived out of the city.
What mother of 3 kids doesn't have any friends from her own children's school? Right?


(waiting to get reamed for even thinking about contacting her)
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:52 PM
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and you think IF you have this talk with her, the result will be..........?

People would LOVE to have the kind of life she has, nice house, 3 cute kids, great car except she has, from what you share, a serious addiction problem. which could care less about how awesome her life is, or how cute her children are, or that she has children at all....she knows what she HAS in her life....still ain't stopping her.

nice things don't stop addiction.
kids don't stop addiction.
cars don't stop addiction.
YOU can't stop HER addiction.
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:06 PM
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I know where you're coming from, heyjack, but I have to agree with anvil. I have also thought about contacting my XA one more time, to get closure, to say everything I want to say to him, etc. But in all honesty, I know I'm not going to get the response I want. Short of him dropping to his knees, telling me that HE'S the problem and that he majorly f'd up and begging my forgiveness, nothing else is going to make me happy or give me satisfaction. And considering how he hasn't given one flying frog about me since he dumped me, what are the chances that that's gonna happen? That's right - ZERO!! No, he will either yell and scream and turn everything around on ME, or he will shrug it off and walk away, giving me NO reaction and making it seem like I'M the crazy one and like you said, then I'M the one who will come off looking like an a$$hole!! I've just come to accept that I'll never be able to get through to him and that I'm never going to get closure. And if I would decide to contact him one last time, I'M also the only one who's going to end up hurt AGAIN in the end. I totally know where you're coming from, but I'd hate to see you get even more hurt and frustrated when it doesn't go the way you want or think it's going to. I just don't think it's worth it, but that's just my take on it...
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:14 PM
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Do it hayjack! But!!! Only if you doing it for YOUR own peace of mind, only if it will make YOU feel better that you have tried. I am telling you now that it won't change anything for her. As simple as it can be: addicts don't give a damn. Harsh but true.
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Old 03-28-2013, 12:48 AM
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I said ALOT of "final goodbye's" to the addict I cared about.
Some were poignant,touching,etc----and lasted until the $
meter went to zero.

One was a "call me in a year and let me know how you're doing.
I care and I want to know".The 'year' lasted 4 hrs.

Stucna's last sentence in the preceeding post...........says it ALL.
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:10 AM
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I have wasted a lot of breath talking to my AS and I think that all I have accomplished is making him feel worse about himself...which makes him use drugs to mask the pain. I believe talking about it only compounds the problem. He knows very clearly that he has a problem -- he deals with the consequences daily. And so does your ex. Consequences speak louder than any words ever could. Losing you is pretty loud...and is quite enough to make your point. Your silence is even louder.
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:50 AM
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Telling her how you think she's doing it all wrong will only place her further on the defensive, might even compound her issue. I don't think it will give you the peace of mind that you seek. Her reaction will probably only make your blood boil more.

My partner, when 5 months pregnant continued to have issues. I remember trying to explain to her that she needed to be concerned about the child, that some people can't even get pregnant. I tried explaining to her that she needed to get her act together, if not for herself but for the baby in her belly.

All she gave a sh*t about was the drugs she was addicted to.

She dissapeared on me and 4 months later my first daughter was born, heavily addicted to crack.

I say nay. Don't bother trying to make her see your reason.
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Old 03-28-2013, 12:24 PM
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The one thing I never regretted was that I was never unkind to her.
Of what possible use would it be for me to regurgitate a running
inventory of all she had lost.....her family,home,security,future,life?
She was WELL AWARE of the gravity of the situation....that's why
she used.

To escape the horror.
(Hence going deeper into it.)

But she was aware.Excruciatingly aware.
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Old 03-28-2013, 02:00 PM
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As a recovered heroin addict and now a loved one of addicts I can tell you that your words will not make a difference to her. I remember people coming up to me spilling their guts saying all the nice things I had and my potential blah blah and it took everything in me not to laugh in their face and say "you don't even know me". Then I would go get high afterwards and just laugh with friends about how that person needed to go worry about their own life. (I am not trying to be rude or make you feel bad...I am just trying to show you the addict mentality).

Even if you think you are doing it to get closure, you won't because after you hang up/go home you will always think of more things to say and the "talking one last time to get things off my chest" will just keep going and going. Addicts cause so much chaos and hurt so many people that there is no way to say it all to them.

In the end, the best thing you can do is just move on. You'll never get through to her, and anyone that knows an addict knows that until the addict is ready, there is nothing in the world that can help them. The best closure you are going to get is to put her in your past and just work on yourself. Keep posting on here, reading other people's stories, and find something in your life that makes you happy whether it is painting, going to school, running, volunteering, etc. You can't make her appreciate her life, but you sure as hell can make sure you appreciate yours!
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:03 PM
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Maylie speaks absolute wisdom.

I feared how I'd feel if I did nothing---and the worst happened.

Well,it did.What did I feel? Not nearly as much as I'd feared.I did
my best.It wasn't my battle.It wasn't my life.My life was going great.

And to the SR Gods I humbly submit Maylie's passage piece,to whit:

"The best closure you are going to get is to put her in your past
and just work on yourself. Keep posting on here, reading
other people's stories, and find something in your life that makes you happy
whether it is painting, going to school, running, volunteering,
etc. You can't make her appreciate her life, but you sure as
hell can make sure you appreciate yours!"

.......as by far the best SR missive of 2013
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Old 03-28-2013, 04:05 PM
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Hence the reason I posted, I figured there would be words of wisdom and experience here.

I suppose it's human nature to assume (ya ya, "assume") that by talking to someone, they'll get "it" or whatever it is. Then again, they are addicts and I'm starting to learn that anything they do is self serving, hard to understand from their point as being someone who is clean and sober.

Damn this sucks.
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Old 03-29-2013, 08:13 AM
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I talked to a friend of mine that was in an alcoholic spiral. Actually, wrote him a long letter about how he was needed and how important he was to so many. It was filled with love. I know he read it and understood it very well.

He died less than a year later when he crashed his car drunk.

I am never going to be sorry that I wrote him that letter. It helped me to accept that I had done what I could. It's helping me come to terms with the likelihood that his death was as it was meant to be.

If you do say anything, say it with love, not judgement. Read the sticky about how families can help. If you cannot approach her with complete love and respect, do not do it.

You sound like you have a great deal of judgement and envy for her. Money does not buy happiness. You might not be able to imagine what it's like to be able to buy anything in the world, except for the things you really want and need. Like a loving father, serenity, self respect. Money makes the lack of these things even more painful, actually. I believe it is what ultimately killed my friend. We only walk in our own shoes and have no idea of what pain is really going on inside someone else. So please think hard about yourself and your motives before approaching her. Only if you can remove the judgement and disdain and only if your desire is solely out of love for her should you go to her and say anything.

Then draw your own boundaries before you do and be prepared to walk away.

"I love you and I am concerned."
"Please know I am here if you need help"

That's about all that needs to be said.

And please use text wisely! It's not for serious conversation, more like "see you at 8!"
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