Going Back to Prison
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 92
Thanks Vale.
Through experience, I've learned that I'm only helped through honesty. No matter how "unpretty" it can be, I don't receive help when I'm hiding. Pretending to be someone I'm not for years and years was a hard habit to break, but once I put down the drugs and the booze, I began use the tools I've gained in recovery to challenge myself and do things that used to terrify me.
I'm really moved by what you said. Thank you. Really. I have some things coming up in my life soon where my past is going to be brought up and I'm dreading it somewhat. Reading that makes me feel more courageous.
Through experience, I've learned that I'm only helped through honesty. No matter how "unpretty" it can be, I don't receive help when I'm hiding. Pretending to be someone I'm not for years and years was a hard habit to break, but once I put down the drugs and the booze, I began use the tools I've gained in recovery to challenge myself and do things that used to terrify me.
I'm really moved by what you said. Thank you. Really. I have some things coming up in my life soon where my past is going to be brought up and I'm dreading it somewhat. Reading that makes me feel more courageous.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
JenEss, I also want to thank you so much. Your candor about your past helps me. My son is now in jail after being released in Feb. (he got in a spat on the streets and landed back in, awaiting sentencing now.) He seemed to want to go back because he was too afraid of succeeding in rehab. I hope he soon realizes that the lies, stealing, fear, humiliation and self hate are things that go away when seeking true recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 92
Putting down the booze/drugs is not the same as recovery. Believe me, I tried the "easier, softer way" for 12 years because I had a "better than" attitude.
Getting clean is terrifying. Success is terrifying. I am afraid of the unknown and being successful at anything besides getting high was uncharted territory for me. Addiction is such a self defeating, self hating disease. How can I possibly love myself if I'm constantly filling my body with poisons.
The love for myself started slowly and continues to grow.
I hope your son seeks the help he needs and I hope you're getting the help and support you need.
Getting clean is terrifying. Success is terrifying. I am afraid of the unknown and being successful at anything besides getting high was uncharted territory for me. Addiction is such a self defeating, self hating disease. How can I possibly love myself if I'm constantly filling my body with poisons.
The love for myself started slowly and continues to grow.
I hope your son seeks the help he needs and I hope you're getting the help and support you need.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
JenEss,
No better time for a rehash of an oldie but a goodie:
THE MAN IN THE ARENA-excerpt of Teddy Roosevelt's speech
at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
================================================== ===============
.......my take on this is---LOOK at what I have overcome.You,petty person,are going to
try and hold my past over my head? F.U. I have overcome one of the most difficult things
in the WORLD to overcome..........
(What have YOU done?)
.......thought so!
No better time for a rehash of an oldie but a goodie:
THE MAN IN THE ARENA-excerpt of Teddy Roosevelt's speech
at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
================================================== ===============
.......my take on this is---LOOK at what I have overcome.You,petty person,are going to
try and hold my past over my head? F.U. I have overcome one of the most difficult things
in the WORLD to overcome..........
(What have YOU done?)
.......thought so!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
Gfwhoneverknow: Ok, None of know for sure if your bf is telling you the truth & only time will tell. But, let me tell you a few things about my brother. I only know for sure that he used crystal once while in prison & he got a tatoo. I am not sure if he got Hepatitis C while in but he is now infected. Please have safe sex when your man gets out to be safe. Also, my brother has always been more of a womanizer; not at all gay but I found a letter indicating he may have had sex with a man while in prison but then again, the letter could have been an attempt for him to get into solitary confinment. My brother was scared for his life & I believe acted out to be put in solitary, so he spent the majority of his sentence in one room. When I picked him up from prison, he was a changed person. I think prison changes a person because they have to learn to be unemotional & cannot show emphathy. Also, prisoners have all the time in the world & will doing anything they can think of to keep someone there for them on the outside. Like others have said, actions speak louder than words so you will know in time how geniune your bf is being. Please don't disregard your intuition. If you really feel he is lying to you, there is a huge possibility he is. Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
Thx!! Know he got tats cuz I saw them..few. Yeah always safe for me..I'm very strong and won't compromise....did u bro ever get his emotional side back? Ps since Idont know what's goin in there Iguess ill calm down a bit and time will tell like u said! Its just the part of lying being part of this disease....sometimes I think if he's using in there, he has to cover it up...how would.he tell me so a small part of me kinda understands if that makes sense?? Like its his disease lying not him!?? Sound weird?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
Gfwhoneverknew: If you think he is lying, like a said, there is a huge possibility he is. Lying is part of the disease but it is also a barrier someone has to overcome if they are to ever recover. When someone is still actively lying, they are not yet ready to change, plain & simple.
My brother did not appear to get his emotional side back but before he went into prison he had been using drugs for 10+ years & 18 months is hardly long enough for his mind & body to completely recover. Your bf's experience may be very different.
My brother did not appear to get his emotional side back but before he went into prison he had been using drugs for 10+ years & 18 months is hardly long enough for his mind & body to completely recover. Your bf's experience may be very different.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
If anyone has an uplifting story they can tell, it would be very much appreciated. I don't ever want to loose hope!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
Kthopkt
Thx..he also has been using ten yrs his Mom told me...five of which the hard drugs. She's almost over it already. If he was clean in there and relapsed which is my gut feeling...what can Ido? I write him poems etc to try n help...
Thx..he also has been using ten yrs his Mom told me...five of which the hard drugs. She's almost over it already. If he was clean in there and relapsed which is my gut feeling...what can Ido? I write him poems etc to try n help...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
Gfwhoneverknew: Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to make him want to change. Nothing you send him or say to him is going to make him change. I understand your desire to try and "change" him because I did the same for so many years. I used to think that if I just did this one thing, then maybe that will make him see the light. Guess what, it never did. Please stay on this forum to learn about focusing on yourself & not your bf. We get so caught up in the addict we love & loose sight of ourseleves. I still let my brother know I love him & am here for him to but I no longer let him manipulate me. If my brother comes to me & truly desires help, then I will do everything in my power to help him but until then, I keep my distance because I have to for my own sanity.
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