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My addicted fiancÚ dumped me. Devastated & need support :(

Old 03-27-2013, 07:31 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Wow I'm so in debt to all of you. A million "thank yous" as all of your replies have been a tremendous help and eye opener. He spoke with my brother tonight and told him he called off the engagement because it was moving too quickly, and although he loves me very much and I'm a "good girl" he said I deserve more, and that he doesn't know what the future holds for us, and he also wasn't ready to get married because he still felt guilty for leaving his ex wife. Wtf?!?! So the email he sent to me about being back on drugs was all a lie and he told my brother the TRUTH as to why he really left me?! Now I feel more confused and worse.
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:38 PM
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no...he told each of you partial truths. there is no clear story line here...he's a complex individual with a history, a past, that way precedes you. the theme remains...he just couldn't do it. he can't be what you want or hoped he would....
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:00 PM
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How does someone propose and then change their mind 2 months later? I'm at a loss. then he asked my brother to go out partying w him this weekend. Wtf. My head
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:01 PM
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And I feel like such a loser. If I wasn't good enough for a drug addict, and got discarded by a drug addict I must be pathetic. I'm going to bed.
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:02 PM
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My close friend discovered her physical-therapist-boyfriend of two years was a sex addict. She found it on his computer after her instinct told her something was very wrong. All the hook-ups, the prostitutes, the group sex, everything, was there in his computer. He'd been doing this for years. She had questioned him whether he was being faithful--she had that intuition he wasn't--and he always insisted he was faithful to her sexually and emotionally. Then she found out the truth and it was shocking and mind-blowing for her. And she left him.

He told everyone in his family that he broke up with her because she didn't like to kayak.

Addicts like to look good. It is the smoke and mirrors. They break up with people because "she hates my dog", "she won't have a baby with me," "she's too controlling," "I've grown and she hasn't," "I need to focus on me," and the one that really sends a woman over the cliff: "My kids come first."

It is all a show. It is all about the smokescreen, the decoy, the diversion. Drug addicts are in love with drugs. And that's why they want a non-druggie woman to get out of their way.

At some point, you will find you need to stop all the information about him getting into your head.
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:18 PM
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Thanks. You're right. I guess it's all smoke and mirrors. I feel like my head has been put into a vice grip and my heart in a blender. I want to stop crying and begin healing. I'm so angry. At one point I was "everything he dreamed of", the "love of his life" and he would have "died" without me....now he just feels sorry for me. I feel pathetic. I pushed him away and turned him off because I loved him too much and he saw me as weak.
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:30 PM
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I feel for you! Me bf of 10 years admitted he was addicted to opiates which turns out was basically our whole relationship. We came clean about a year ago and it's been such a battle the last 12 months. He went to rehab and came home only to relapse and go back a few months later. When he came home the first time I thought I was ready to deal with this but I wasn't prepared at all. Then when he relapsed and I felt numb that this was happening all over again. I went to family day and had a moment while we were there. During a break a group of us were sitting at a table and just watching him interact with some of the people there made me sad. I felt like he had more in common with them and it made me feel like I knew nothing about him or that we had nothing in common. It took everything in me to hold back my tears. Well anyway he came home and I thought his recovery was going good then he gradually started to push me away and then the usual- things not adding up or making sense, not wanting to do anything, then turning things around on me. When I became he suspicious he was using I started to lose myself. Always looking for stuff, looking through his phone if I got a chance, not sleeping, was just sick to my stomach all the time.it was crazy! Then we finally got into it and he blamed me for everything. Told me I wasn't supportive and didn't know how he felt etc. He basically told me be was done With me. He ignored my calls and didn't call me back. Then I decided it was time to focus on me. Started to read some books and come on here daily. Started to work out and do things for me. Well now he is calling and texting me saying he can't believe I am done with him and acting like this.like hello you are the one that told me you were done. My gut feeling is telling me that he is using since some of his actions I feel are manipulating.

To be honest since I have been trying to focus on I feel a lot better! Then it makes me feel guilty that I feel pretty good. I miss him so much, but don't miss the other things that go along with our relationship. I am confused, but thinking it might be best for us to maybe separate and focus on ourselves and not worry about each other. In a way I am thinking I might have been just as sick as he is/was!

I am just going with the flow and praying that things will work out the way they are meant to be.

Good luck and stay strong!
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:45 PM
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And now that I'm home...

Welcome to the Board, Jodie. I'm happy you found us, although I'm sad for you regarding the reasons you've come to us. Without having read all the replies to your posts, I'm highly certain the cast of characters that did reply to you have given you comfort and have shared their wisdom.

As someone that was dumped by an addict, I empathize with your pain. But whether you realize this or not, he's given you a gift. There should be no mystery as to what and who he is at this moment in time. He's a sick, sick man, and as long as he's on his current path, he's simply incapable of being an accountable, responsible, honest partner in a relationship. Not only that, he's simply incapable of being an accountable, responsible, honest parent.

But enough about him. Coming here is about you. As someone who empathizes with your pain, I'm going to be straight with you: the days and weeks to come are going to suck at times, and you will have to accept and sit with all those awful feelings. There is no avoiding it. But as awful as it's going to be, it will not kill you. Trust me on this, Jodie.

Right now, it's a time to be gentle to yourself. To be kind to yourself. There will come a time when you'll have to look back at all of your choices, your denial as to what it was you were dealing with, etc. Tonight's not that time, though. Right now, do your best to get through your days. Read as many of the posts and sticky notes as you can in the days to come. Learn as much as you can. And as difficult as this may be for you right now, think of the things you are grateful for.

What helped me a lot initially was asking God to help carry my pain. And He did. He'll help you, too, if you ask Him.

Take care, and please let us know how you're doing.

Best,
ZoSo
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Old 03-27-2013, 09:22 PM
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Yep That's What Addicts Do They Lie, Cheat, Steal and Destroy Every Person Around Them. I Know your hurting but Trust Me With Each Passing Day.. It will Get Better. Come To The SR Board & Read & Read.
Addicts Only Love Them-Selves... Get In The Way Of That Love And They Will Push You Away.. I Promise You Girl He Done You A Favor. Hugs Stay Strong and Healthy And Remember Your Worth So Much More Than What He Was Giving Or Better Said Than He Was Taking.
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Old 03-28-2013, 12:26 AM
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Jodie I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have already recieved some great advice and I am glad you came here. I can relate to your situation in many ways, as I was dating an addict for 2 years... I recently (2 months ago) broke up with him because I was through with the lies. Although I did the breaking up, it still was the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I will tell you though, it gets better every day!!! There are still bad moments, hours.....but honestly with time I have been able to see the situation more clearly. I think that will be true for you too. Before, when I was with him, I was so enmeshed with him that honestly I was not facing reality! Its so crazy to realize how sick I was!

Some things that helped me were journaling (a ton), reading books like codependent no more and women who love too much, going to al-anon meetings, praying the serenity prayer, praying prayers of gratitude (can be very powerful!), getting out of my apartment, spending a lot of time around others so I wouldn't sit and think and cry alll day... I even posted some sticky notes beside my bed saying things like "I am good enough", "Whatever is meant to happen will happen", "I deserve love and respect", and "I will be happy again." Affirmations like these can be really helpful sometimes.

Otherwise, like others have said, try not to think too much about why or how he did what he did. It just doesn't make sense. The behaviors of addicts cannot make sense to us..it is useless trying to figure them out. It seems as though my ex has already moved on. I was devastated at first. It still makes me very sad and uncomfortable, but having no contact and realizing that I cannot control it makes me feel better. I do pray for him even though I am very angry at him...I pray that God will watch over him and protect him.

Hang in there, take care of yourself!!!
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Old 03-28-2013, 04:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Jodie77 View Post
And I feel like such a loser. If I wasn't good enough for a drug addict, and got discarded by a drug addict I must be pathetic. I'm going to bed.
This is simply NOT the truth, Jodie. You got discarded by a drug addict because you are smart and confident. He knew that he couldn't continue his addiction without a great deal of hassle trying to hide it and he doesn't WANT to hide it. It's too much work!!! That's the truth of it, plain and simple.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:55 AM
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I woke up this morning just crying, crying, crying. Yelling at God, wanting to die. I gave been through too much. My first divorce with a sex addict (who slept with my friends and neighbors) sent me to the ER because of severe depression and anxiety. Then I meet my xafiance and now he dumps me and moves on. I used to have a healthy self esteem; I am a model, make-up artist and have been on TV as well on a big/national show that I won't disclose. Yet I feel horrible inside, abandoned, rejected, dead. None of the things that should give me confidence make me feel any better, instead I feel even like a bigger loser. Because I gave all I had to him/them. Initial I was "all they dreamed of", "a dream girl" etc then they both lost interest. Discarded me. And now my brother stays in contact w my xafiance and they are buddy-buddy and go out and drink and do drugs together. My brother is an addict too....coke, opiates, alcohol. My older brother died in an accident when he was on drugs. I've just been through too much and don't have the strength anymore.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:06 AM
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Jodie
This looks like it may be "hitting the bottom" for you. I've been there. Different circumstances but you described the feelings well.

There's a high anxiety icky-ness feeling that seems to invade every cell. The good news is....when we hit bottom there's only one direction to go and that's up. Sometimes we have to be torn down to our absolute foundation before we can rebuild a stronger self.

Be kind and gentle with yourself.....do something......anything that soothes your soul today.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:27 AM
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Hi. I'm on disability and get migraines from my phone etc. But HAD to write on this! My heart is there for u and when u ask why why why...my Grandmother had a saying..."y is a crooked letter" sometimes u justd don't know but I truely believe his mind is not right bcuz he's on drugs again and try and stop with that statement in ur head!! Why do they steal? Why do they kill? Why did he stop seeing u? He's incapable of a HEALTHY relationship becuz he's UNHEALTHY!!! Maybe he will get help and all will b okay but not nowso u just do u and Iwill say prayers for u!!
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Old 03-28-2013, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Jodie77 View Post
I woke up this morning just crying, crying, crying. Yelling at God, wanting to die. I gave been through too much. My first divorce with a sex addict (who slept with my friends and neighbors) sent me to the ER because of severe depression and anxiety. Then I meet my xafiance and now he dumps me and moves on. I used to have a healthy self esteem; I am a model, make-up artist and have been on TV as well on a big/national show that I won't disclose. Yet I feel horrible inside, abandoned, rejected, dead. None of the things that should give me confidence make me feel any better, instead I feel even like a bigger loser. Because I gave all I had to him/them. Initial I was "all they dreamed of", "a dream girl" etc then they both lost interest. Discarded me. And now my brother stays in contact w my xafiance and they are buddy-buddy and go out and drink and do drugs together. My brother is an addict too....coke, opiates, alcohol. My older brother died in an accident when he was on drugs. I've just been through too much and don't have the strength anymore.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You DO have the strength.You are here posting.The lurker/poster ratio on SR
is HUGE.Noone 'determines' your self worth......

YOU DO.

Addiction is like a vicious,cruel,mean animal that terrorizes peaceful
neighborhoods of people just trying to live out their lives.It thrives on the
terror and discord like a thief waving their pistol around at terrified people
whilst robbing a store.

Meanwhile,the SWAT team (SR) is just outside the store,with high
powered weapons---just waiting for the smallest opportunity.

So read,and post.There are far more good people in this world than those
stuck on an aberrant track.Laugh at those who tell you different.

Make space between you and this addiction scourge.

It's hard,takes tenacity,and is WORTH IT.
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Old 03-28-2013, 01:17 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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RJodie..my heart aches reading that last quote from u....I want u to know its not these guys discarding u or losing interest!!! Its simply them putting their priorities in the WRONG order!!! They know ur too good for them....my bf says that a lot...they know they don't deserve u and finally....they HATE themselves to the core...Ipromise it is not u and u can do this!! Uve proven that....my adbf mom told me let go let God!
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Old 03-28-2013, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Jodie77 View Post
I woke up this morning just crying, crying, crying. Yelling at God, wanting to die. I gave been through too much. My first divorce with a sex addict (who slept with my friends and neighbors) sent me to the ER because of severe depression and anxiety. Then I meet my xafiance and now he dumps me and moves on. I used to have a healthy self esteem; I am a model, make-up artist and have been on TV as well on a big/national show that I won't disclose. Yet I feel horrible inside, abandoned, rejected, dead. None of the things that should give me confidence make me feel any better, instead I feel even like a bigger loser. Because I gave all I had to him/them. Initial I was "all they dreamed of", "a dream girl" etc then they both lost interest. Discarded me. And now my brother stays in contact w my xafiance and they are buddy-buddy and go out and drink and do drugs together. My brother is an addict too....coke, opiates, alcohol. My older brother died in an accident when he was on drugs. I've just been through too much and don't have the strength anymore.
You have trauma in your past, Jodie. I'm very, very sorry to learn of the loss of your brother. That's a big blow, and it would be a big blow for anyone.

But regarding your fiance, you cannot personalize what he did because what he does (or doesn't do) is all about him. Sick people behave like sick people, and your fiance is a sick person. It will take some time to understand this, as you've been hurt badly.

Right now, you need to heal, and that, too, will take time. But one thing you need to absorb is that the actions and choices that your fiance and your brothers have made are beyond your ability to control. We are all powerless over someone else's addiction.

Hang in there, Jodie.

ZoSo
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Old 03-28-2013, 01:24 PM
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Thank you all. Just thanks....
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:45 PM
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It really does take time... It's horrible at first but I PROMIS you will start feeling better one day. One thing that helped me was reminding myself not to take things personally. My eX was talking to other girls 2 weeks after we broke up. I was so upset and just couldn't fathom it!!! But I realized that is not a reflection of me... It is a reflection of him and his brokenness. I believe a big problem of ours is that we determine our self worth based on others approval/attention. We need to learn to feel good about ourselves... ON OUR OWN!!! It is so hard but I hope it can be done. When we know that we are worthy and lovable and acceptable as we are, we are less affected by what others do.

Sorry that was a lot of rambling! Hang in there!!! Be kind to yourself today.
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Old 03-28-2013, 04:35 PM
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I'm getting ready to go into an Alanon meeting now. I'm so tired of crying. The worst part is that it's right down the street from his house and it's making me feel worse/anxious w memories & if he sees me he'll think I'm stalking him.
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