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Intimacy Issues after a bad break up

Old 03-27-2013, 07:29 AM
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Intimacy Issues after a bad break up

It has been almost 2 years since my bad breakup with AXF. I have just met a guy who is really great. I mean, he has flaws for sure, but so do we all. I guess I'm worried because I'm finding intimacy hard still. He thinks that I "over-read" his words and actions, and that I sometimes seem to manipulate his words so that it sounds like he doesn't want to spend time with me when he feels like it's me who is trying to not hang out. I find myself not texting him back if it's taken him "too long" to text me in the day and I've left his apartment in the middle of the night because I felt scared. Of what? Nothing! My friend says I'm not ready to date yet, but it feels insane. Like it's been a long time since that terrible break up. How am I still healing from this? Argh. Anyhow, I tried to break it off this weekend because I don't feel like he deserves this flight instinct that the intimacy brings up in me. He's being very patient with me and still wants to stick around. Any thoughts? Is this normal? I mean, I was diagnosed with PTSD after that last break up but surely it should be nearly over by now.
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:47 AM
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I'm only three months out of my marriage and I cannot imagine dating anyone for a very long time.. Both my head and my heart are screwed up right now and the thought of actually committing to someone again terrifies me...

Don't put a time limit on your healing.. Judging from your post maybe you not ready to date yet, you still have healing to do and that's ok.. If the guy truly cares about you and your well being he will let you go and not try to pressure you UNO staying in a relationship with him.. You are smart to recognize that perhaps you are not ready yet .. There is nothing wrong with you.. You just need more time to heal
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:47 AM
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there is no set timetable on healing - especially from emotional scars. maybe you aren't ready, or maybe this is how you work thru it. what I am most impressed with is your AWARENESS of what's going on...we can't fix what we can't SEE.
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:23 PM
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Sounds like you need to give yourself more time maybe? I'm no pro, but I can relate, as recently I had cut things off with an addict and just a few days ago I met someone at the bar and she was very complimentary and I didn't care to hear it nor believed a word she had said. I'm also the same with texting like you described, I used to always feel the need to reply to someone after they sent a reply, but I have learned not to anymore, nor care if they reply right away or not. Blah!

Hope things work out for you.
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:25 PM
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Thanks so much for the responses. I guess I'm just sad that because of the past, my present and thus future are still on hold. That what happened is still affecting me. It means not being able to be intimate with potentially really good people, and not being able to trust people who are potentially entirely trustworthy. What a cycle. Ahh well. Thanks again!
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:49 PM
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In my experience it is an on going learning and sometimes struggling processs. I have thought I had all of "it" worked thru when it came to my relationship with my addict. Then when I least expect it or what seems like out of the blue... it's like boom.... and I am dealing with stuff that stems from the old.

I am learning to take risks and to be aware of how I feel...sometimes that means be scared and doing it anyways and sometimes it means knowing I need to run. Listen to your heart and keep talking. And mostly go easy on you. This is tough stuff and it doesn't just go away. Happiness and trust do come back or can be found... but awareness and listening to your heart are the keys. Hugs
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Old 03-28-2013, 12:41 AM
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Do you mean emotional intimacy or physical (sexual) intimacy, or both? sorry if that's a weird question! I was just curious because last night I was reading Women Who Love Too Much..there is a chapter about sexual intimacy after being in recovery from "loving too much". I found it really interesting, relatable, and something I had never thought about before. The main theme is "Having used their sexuality as a tool to manipulate a difficult or impossible man into loving them, once that challenge is removed they don't know how to be sexual with a loving, giving partner." Another really good quote from it is

"What you are going through now is something that many women who have similar histories to yours, and who have been able to recover, find themselves facing when they begin to relate to a man who is an appropriate partner. The excitement, the challenge, the old knot in the stomach just aren't there, and since that's what 'love' has always felt like before, they are afraid that something very important is missing. What's missing is the craziness, the pain, the fear, the waiting, and the hoping.

Now, for the first time, you've got a nice, steady, reliable man who adores you, and you don't have to work on him to change him. He already has the qualities you've wanted in a man, and he's made a commitment to you. The trouble is, you've never experienced having what you wanted before. You've only known what it was like not to have it, and to work like crazy to try and get it. You're used to the yearning and the suspense, which creates a lot of heart-pounding excitement. Will he, won't he? Does he, doesn't he?"


Anyway if you weren't referring to that at all you can just disregard this comment lol. although I think the second quote could be regarding any sort of intimacy. just a thought. Otherwise, I would say don't be so hard on yourself! Like everyone else said, there really is no time limit for this stuff. Be gentle on yourself.
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Old 03-28-2013, 12:58 AM
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Pianogirl may be really onto something in the second last paragraph.
The challenge isn't there for something you've always wanted and you're basically standing there saying "so now what?....I got my prize and I didn't even buy a ticket, no jittery feelings, waiting and hoping to see if my numbers come up....yet I still have the jackpot". lol

But again, I can completely understand where you yourself are coming from...it really does suck.
.....that cliche"time"thing.
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Old 03-28-2013, 04:27 AM
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I read the second part of pianogirl's post a bit differently... not that the challenge is missing but that I just don't know what to do with it when it feels right or isn't messed up. I get scared and don't trust it. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. History to repeat itself. It is hard to unlearn that and just let go and enjoy. Being a relationship or relationships makes us (me) do all type of crazy **it. The whole control and fear impulse comes up every time ...sick relationship or healthy. Man, still lots of work to do...but at least I am seeing it. Smile
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:38 AM
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I had intimacy issues after my divorce from my XAH. I was in high "take care of me" mode for a long time and I surrounded myself with people I knew loved me (my family) while I healed. I had a "bad attitude" toward men in general at that point.

When I first met my (now) husband, he was so kind and gentle. He had been through a pretty traumatic divorce as well and I was so amazed at how balanced and unaffected he seemed. I do believe that God put him in my life because He knew I needed just the right kind of guy. Slowly.....with my husband's gentle guidance, I was able to overcome those intimacy issues.

I hope and pray that your guy is the right guy but if he's not for any reason, I hope that the right kind of guy shows up in your life who will be patient as you let go of the past and step into the present.

gentle hugs
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by pianogirl1193 View Post
Do you mean emotional intimacy or physical (sexual) intimacy, or both? sorry if that's a weird question! I was just curious because last night I was reading Women Who Love Too Much..there is a chapter about sexual intimacy after being in recovery from "loving too much". I found it really interesting, relatable, and something I had never thought about before. The main theme is "Having used their sexuality as a tool to manipulate a difficult or impossible man into loving them, once that challenge is removed they don't know how to be sexual with a loving, giving partner." Another really good quote from it is

"What you are going through now is something that many women who have similar histories to yours, and who have been able to recover, find themselves facing when they begin to relate to a man who is an appropriate partner. The excitement, the challenge, the old knot in the stomach just aren't there, and since that's what 'love' has always felt like before, they are afraid that something very important is missing. What's missing is the craziness, the pain, the fear, the waiting, and the hoping.

Now, for the first time, you've got a nice, steady, reliable man who adores you, and you don't have to work on him to change him. He already has the qualities you've wanted in a man, and he's made a commitment to you. The trouble is, you've never experienced having what you wanted before. You've only known what it was like not to have it, and to work like crazy to try and get it. You're used to the yearning and the suspense, which creates a lot of heart-pounding excitement. Will he, won't he? Does he, doesn't he?"

Anyway if you weren't referring to that at all you can just disregard this comment lol. although I think the second quote could be regarding any sort of intimacy. just a thought. Otherwise, I would say don't be so hard on yourself! Like everyone else said, there really is no time limit for this stuff. Be gentle on yourself.
Good stuff!!!!!

I suppose it's time for me to break out my book again... I'm no where near ready to date but I saw myself in that passage you just quoted.. I've read this book several times but each time I've read it I was married to my ex.. I wonder what perspective I can get from it this go around since I am single and this is actually the longest time period that I have gone without being in a relationship..
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Old 03-28-2013, 01:35 PM
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FWIW...

I am currently incapable of trust in a romantic relationship. Does that bother me? Not particularly. And the reason why that is is because with the people that are in my life, I'm still able to give love and receive it. So, I'm not closed off from the world emotionally. But romantic love is something I don't yearn for at this moment. Hell, I don't even miss sex.

You will heal at your own pace and time table.

ZoSo
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:34 PM
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Yeah i really related to that part of the book, even though I'm not in a new relationship. It made me realize that I often did use sex as a tool, for manipulation purposes. How sad/terrible!!!
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Old 03-29-2013, 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted by pianogirl1193 View Post
Yeah i really related to that part of the book, even though I'm not in a new relationship. It made me realize that I often did use sex as a tool, for manipulation purposes. How sad/terrible!!!
Guilty! "If I put out, then he wont have to cheat, if I put out he will stay " etc. I didnt realize it at the time.
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Old 03-29-2013, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post
Guilty! "If I put out, then he wont have to cheat, if I put out he will stay " etc. I didnt realize it at the time.
He still cheated even when I "put out" guess what I was giving him wasn't good enough... I can't say much though because about a year ago I stepped out of my marriage for a brief and disastrous fling.. Mostly because I was lonely and wasn't getting my intimate needs met.. By his time we were sleeping in different bedrooms and living like horrible roommates.. Still no excuse at all for what I did and I think that is one thing I still haven't forgiven myself for... It did make me realize though that my marriage was dead.. Even though I didn't realize it at the time it was the beginning of the end... I don't know why I'm even writing this post cause its so irrelevant to this thread.. That experience shows me how unhealthy I am when it comes to relationships and how I seek validation outside of myself... Ugh... That's just so sad
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Old 03-29-2013, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post
Guilty! "If I put out, then he wont have to cheat, if I put out he will stay " etc. I didnt realize it at the time.
Agreed, Lily!! That's exactly what I did with my XA. I let him use me for sex, with the thought that, "Well, if he's getting it from me, he won't have to go anywhere else to get it and he'll stay with me." Of course, that didn't happen. He just took the sex whenever he wanted it and when he didn't want it any longer, he moved on and left me here, going, "Ummm....wait - WHAT?!?! What just happened?!?!" Yes, I let him use me for sex, hell, I basically OFFERED it to him any chance I got, because I KNEW that's what he wanted from me, and of course, I wanted to give him whatever he wanted/needed....but with the (mistaken) belief that then he would give me what I wanted/needed (i.e., love, a committed relationship). Yeah, the second part of that equation obviously never happened....
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