Believer2

I started dating my boyfriend about four months ago. Things are great, have spent every weekend together since we started dating, his kids and my kids are also involved and we all love each other. I think this could be a long term thing and am very happy, except I just need information and to understand. My bfriend uses soboxone - but he has not told me this nor has he told me anything about his "problems". I see him take the film in the morning and I saw his prescription laying on his dresser so I looked up what it was. He has told me very little about his past and he says he trusts me but isn't proud of his past. He works, has full custody of his kids and goes to school so I know he is trying to turn his life around and I believe in him. I have no idea how long he has been taking it but he did mention in a generic conversation he takes 2.5 a day and he needs it. In a way I think he is trying to get me to ask but I won't push him. I need him to tell me when he is ready. Anyway.... I know nothing of drug abuse. I experiemented with pot in high school but that was it and I have been out of high school for over 15 years. I don't know anyone who is an addict and I don't know what to look for what my boundries should be. There are times when he is literally falling asleep (even while driving or sitting smoking a cigarett) and no matter what I do I can't get him to come to. He doesn't remember anythign in the mornign - what does this mean? Is this something to be concerned with? Also the bedroom is something I am very interested in and sometimes I get the feeling he isn't. Is this a side affect? This past weekend we had a bday party for his son and the house was full of family. Someone mentioned something about his past I didn't know - which I expected would happen eventually - and I just didn't know what to think. The next day I was in a horrible mood and felt angry. I think it's because I was pissed I was the only one in the house who didn't know anythign about my bfriends past. I have told him multiple times I don't care about his past that all I care about is the man he is today. I have things in my past I am not proud of either but now I am wondering how true this is. Now that I am starting to figure some things out I think I really should know his past. It won't change how I feel but I need information. I need to know how to protect myself, my kids and his kids if something weren't right. Help - as someone who loves a "addict" - what do I do? Where do I start? What is the right way and wrong way to approach things? I want to be supportive - he deserves someone to believe in him and he is a good person. His ex (the mom) is a drug addict - he has told me that - and she is in jail. So eventually when she gets out I will have to figure out how to deal with her too because she will want to see her kids. Am I in over my head? Especially since this is NOT my world - not my experience? I need info... I am a person who has to research everything and really I am feeling pretty lost right now - I can't find much on line on any of this.

Thank-you..

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....you want to understand addiction....this is a pretty good place to see the good, the bad, and the ugly. There is a good measure of each of those things.

Take a read around and keep your eyes open. Since there are children involved, I would recommend highly to move very slowly and give it a long term look before moving into any permanent situations with him. There's no need to rush. Time always reveals more.

gentle hugs
ke

AnvilheadII

hello and welcome. couple things that kind of jumped out at me....

you've only been dating for four months. that's NOT a very long time, it's still the checking you out, getting to know you phase.

he's not been very forthcoming about his addiction/recovery. now that is totally his thing, but it's like the giant invisible elephant in the room and doesn't give you the full picture. it's kind of like buying a used car without knowing the owner history, having it checked out by a mechanic or even taking it for a test drive.

I want to be supportive - he deserves someone to believe in him and he is a good person. you already want to be his hero and his champion without really knowing HIM. and you already worried about how to deal with his mother when and if.....

he was an addict before you met. he got clean before you met. he started taking subs and getting his life back on track before you met. his recovery was already on track before you met. said gently, but your "participation" in any of that isn't necessary or required. especially since right now you have absolutely no knowledge or experience with drugs, drug addiction or recovery.

i'd suggest, if you want to KNOW....ask him. if you feel it is important for you to know, ask him. if he chooses not to reveal much, then that is what you have to work with.

what's best for your kids? here's a man you've barely gotten to know who has a bunch of STUFF going on in his life that he isn't telling you about. granted there are no guarantees with anyone, but with all the unknowns, is this the path you want to take them down?

just food for thought.

Believer2

Anvil,

I know we haven't known each other long and he started all this before we met. I 100% agree with you we are in the getting to know you stage. I am not dumb or that nieve, I was just looking for tips or advise on is this something I want to get myself into or is it worth giving someone who seems to be on track a chance. I am 34 and divorced, educated and been around the block a few times myself on some things. Please don't take I am being negative. I appreciate your feedback. That is what I am here for, to get some clarity. I care about this man and his kids and regardless, if I walk now, everyone will be hurt. What I don't know is the future, if I stay and he relapses, what do I do? Do I do anything? Is it none of my business or is it? Will it hurt more than? Is it worth walking away now from something that is great just because I don't know what the future holds. I also believe in second chances and maybe he has a chance at one. Do I want to be his champion? Of course I do, that is who I am as a person. I would be your champion too even though we don't know each other. I get hurt easy because I care about people easy - strangers even. So, am I wrong? Does that make me a bad person? See where I am going with this? He did this on his own and I am proud of him for that. I tell him I love the man he is but I did have a tougher conversation with him about drugs specifically and let him know my stance on it that I don't want that in my life and I would never make him chose between me and them but this is was before I truley understood he was a recovering addict. I am just really here for knowledge and support like everyone else. Again thank you for your words.

LoveMeNow

IMO, you should ask him. He obviously had an addiction to opiates/opioids I would be concerned for health reasons if he was an IV drug user.

You didn't mention if he was working any kind of recovery program along with suboxone. Is he drinking?

Just to share, my husband became addicted to pain pills, tried suboxone, tapered way too fast, had terrible withdrawals and relapsed. He was still going to NA, but was not prepared for when his brain started screaming for drugs when he got off of suboxone. Also, the pain pills helped with his withdrawals from subs. Kind of a sick cycle.

Suboxone is very addicting and mimics opiates. My husband is now taking a Vivitrol injection, however he has stated that suboxone had a much different and more likable feeling. I posted a thread called "there is a difference" about this subject.

Lastly, my husbands sex drive went way down while he was addicted to pills but while he was on suboxone, it did increase. However, that may have been because we were back in a "honey moon" phase of our relationship again. I am not really sure and he is at a meeting right now so I can't ask him but I will!

wicked

Believer2,

I am so glad you are here for information, this is the place to be.

Well, in my experience, much better to deal with it earlier rather than later. My oldest son was on a program with suboxone, and the program was very strict about the amounts. He was not able to trade his subs for marijuana.

Please read about being in a serious relationship with a drug addict. From what you described, (maybe in the other post you started?) he is abusing his suboxone or some other drug. You said he was nodding out and letting cigarettes fall and burn. That is scary all by itself.

I do understand about having a history when you reach a certain age. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict myself. My oldest son is still struggling with methadone abuse (he buys it from people who are in the methadone program). My daughter is an alcoholic in recovery and doing well right now. she will be 21 in September. I have to take my part of the responsibility, what I modeled for my children when they were growing up.

Maybe drug abuse was in your boyfriends past, but his program is today. When there are children involved, I would want to be an open book about my recovery. I can't take credit for this, it was said in another post, but I would tell anyone I was dating that if I EVER drank a beer, they should run as fast as they can away from me.

I hope you do a lot of reading here and get some information so you can make an informed decision about your relationship with this guy. As I said, I made a decision to stay with an alcoholic and my children paid. They are still paying.

PS I take the same pills you do. Anti-depressant, blood pressure and vitamins.

Beth

incitingsilence

Suboxone is used as opiate replacement therapy. It is an awesome tool and has helped many break free of their addiction. In essence he is an opiate addict and he could have been abusing anything from vicoden to oxy to heroin or any other imaginable opiate/opiod. He is seeing a doctor, hopefully an addiction specialist and from there…

I would ask the following. And for me I would not be able to be in a relationship at all with anyone who in this getting to know each other stage wasn’t going to lay it all on the table. One thing I was aware of was my husband history with drugs.

Did you use with your ex, which drug, how and why is she in jail and not you too?
I would advise to not have unprotected sex and to make sure your own health is in the forefront of your mind physically mentally and spiritually.

If you are on sub and in treatment to help you recover from this addiction why can’t you talk about it?

Do you have any outstanding warrants, fines, charges hanging above your head that I need to be aware of?

Are you currently using sub the way you are suppose to be taking it as prescribed by your doctor?

Are you doing anything else for yourself as a way to give you the best chance, meetings, out patient, anything?

And I advise, you can research sub if you want but, if you are going to spend time with him please read about codependency, enabling….find out about the family dysfunction associated with addiction.

Red flags, the biggest one will be this uncertainty, a kinda nagging feeling you have inside that something isn’t right. Always pay attention to that.

This dead sleep, hmm perplexing. I haven’t met an opiate addict yet in recovery off or on sub, who sleeps that soundly….now using, oh out for the count. 2.5 mgs daily of sub is a very low does. You might also want to ask if he is weaning off or stable at this dose.

When he speaks, if you hear any comparing out, especially with the ex. She was this bad and that bad and I wasn’t really like her….well he was and mostly likely worse. Comparing out is like an addicts way of telling you just how bad they are or were.

NO MONEY, EVER. Don’t lend, don’t pay for, don’t volunteer any if ever asked. This is highly important.

Take good care of you.

LoveMeNow

I think she said 2.5 a day not 2.5 mg. Anyway, 2 mg may be low for maintenance but that is the dose my husband jumped from......and it was way too high. His withdrawals were NOT easy to just watch, never mind experiencing it. I would be very concerned if he was selling them and ran out (not to mention the red flags). It's is a difficult drug to withdraw from, if not done correctly and often times still can be regardless.

Personally, I really liked when my husband took subs but it wasn't my decision or recovery. But if chose to go back on them, I would support it. JMHO

incitingsilence

Oh good catch LMN

2.5 strips….hmmm so is that 5 mgs or 20 mgs … depends on dose of strip.
Does it change the dynamics not really, any dose can be a maintenance dose.

And LMN did you typo....I thought you hated when he was on sub???

LoveMeNow

I found it all very confusing in the beginning...still do! Why you ask? because its not mind to understand. See... i am learning and paying attention, lol,

No, I really liked him on it! I did not want him to go off but I kept on my side of the street on that. But I did tell him once, I thought he was tapering too fast, but what did i know? However, I have a friend, the ex of a still active crack addict in and out of rehab for years, telling me it was crutch and not true recovery so I asked here. She and I have finally agreed to disagree.

Also, I think he may have helped convince me it wasn't real recovery too because of the way many members of his home group at NA feel about it. He likes the Vivitrol a lot but admitted to feeling kind of weak for needing it! Ego and pride?? Probably!

incitingsilence

Sub is an extremely complicated drug to understand to begin with, I find it fascinating.

Love the I am learning comment, you actually do seem like you are getting it
I really thought you didn't like him using it, so you didn't typo.

Weak, I think that is a man thing more than an addict thing.