Lily1918

Im starting to obsess a little. Going through conversations in my head that I want to have, and dwelling on the excitement of hearing him play piano. He absolutely sucked at it when he was using, missing notes and sometimes entire measures of songs, and it is so great to relax and hear him play well.

Im trying to prepare myself for his usual hooks and quacking. True that there are less of them now, but they are still there. He asks about when he can see the kids and wants to know every detail of their lives and DS treatment. He tests the waters to see when he can come home. He showers me with affection.

I try not to get all caught up in the pink cloud. He comments positively that I no longer nag about his recovery. we usually talk about what the chaplins sermon meant (Im going to the Wednesday night service) and how we apply it to our lives.

Im trying to only give him so much time in my head, but I went to his moms house to help with work today and saw him in the family portraits on the walls. All of my pictures of him and us are safely tucked away in an album on the shelf. His piano is covered. I try not to have visual triggers out everywhere.

thanks for letting me share. Im just having thoughts like "oh I hope he stays sober, thank you god that he is sober, give me strength and peace if he does not stay that way."

AnvilheadII

can you go with NO expectations and just let it evolve as it will? it's a visit sweetie, a few short hours. just enjoy them, just......BE. he's still IN treatment...all is well, your life can remain firm and strong and full.

Kindeyes

Stay in the moment Lily. I hope you have as relaxed and enjoyable visit with him as I did with my son a couple of weeks ago. It was really nice to just let it happen without attaching anything to a specific outcome.

Enjoy......he's clean and sober today.

gentle hugs
ke

Ilovemysonjj

Lily, I just wanted to send a big hug out to you. I understand how it is to attach your hopes and dreams on that visit but as everyone as saying, thank God you are able to enjoy the visit and thank God you know who YOU are.
Hugs,
Teresa

LoveMeNow

Lily, You will do fine, just allow God to lead the way.

Keeping you both in my prayers.

Lily1918

thank you everyone. Im grateful for every normal day. I wrote the thread cuz I knew you guys would help me stay in the present. I always start future tripping. Its hard not to think about the future... now that I can see the glimmer of a sober one for him...

focus on today... its just that those hours with him... well one is to many and a thousand is never enough. does that make sense?

reminding myself "don't worry about tomorrow. today has enough trouble of its own."

lol I have to remember to bible thump myself bwahahaha!

Vale

Good luck, Lily!

Lily1918

ugh hes so handsome!!! clear, non pinned eyes. full, well cheeks....

AnvilheadII

cute only gets ya so far hon.

ever been to the mall at Christmas time when they have the big tree all lit up and elegantly decorated, and the boxes all festive and bowed beneath?? ya know what's IN those sparkly gorgeously wrapped boxes???

nothing. air. empty space.

Lily1918

Noooooo!!! we can't move back in together when he switches to outpatient.... right!?!?!? please!?!? tough love needed. when can he come home? all opinions appreciated. I miss him so much. I just don't want this to blow up in my face. what if he relapses???? but... what if he doesn't???? did you guys let them come home after treatment???? AAAHHHHH!!!!!! CODIE MOMENT!

Vale

You will find the strength to do what you need to do for YOU,Lily.

Kindeyes

There ya go again.....future tripping. lol

Lily....you crack me up.

gentle hugs
ke

gfwhoneverknew

Hi Lily! I'm new to the site and hope this post works lol. My bf had to go to jail and then rehab and just like u, I just went for my first visit and FULL pink cheeks and no pin dot pupils....looked so healthy like I've never seen before! We have no kids but want a future! He's an addict who was doing oxys just so ya know. I left visit so excited as well and had a future in my head driving home but just like u, now Itry to not map it all out cuz all of it could blow up. Right now I'm so afraid he's using in jail and the part that kills me is ill never know!!! How do feel good about that? Just thought id share a similar story but Ilove my guy more than anyone and hope it works out...good luck!!