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I Am Dying inside, nowhere to turn

Old 03-25-2013, 09:51 PM
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I Am Dying inside, nowhere to turn

I read and read through all these posts. I know I am not alone. I have an AS, he is 28 yrs old. My heart is torn in pieces. I keep saying please just give me one more day and I can fix him, I will get thru to him, it never works.
Scenerio now is he is now on 8 yrs felony probation for sale and delievery of meth. I am terrified. I cannot handle this and so many times I lay in bed and fight with my mind, just end this now, end it with you, you won't have to suffer or know anymore. Where is my son, this is not my little loving boy. Since he got put on probation, I have refused to be put on with him, meaning I am not driving him to meetings and such. We are planning on moving almost 2000 miles away because this is tearing our marriage apart and our health. My husband has stage 4 cirrhosis with very enlarged spleen. Me myself am disabled, on meds for pain and depression.
My son just pops in and out of here as he pleases, he will come in and sleep for days and then eat us out of house and home. He is hateful, rude, not the son I know. We have thrown him out, over and over but he comes right back. He beats on doors and windows til you cannot take it no more.
He up all hours of night and when I tell him to be quiet cause my husband sleeping and has to work he will just tell me shut the f up, this is not my son..I cannot handle if he goes to prison. He needs help badly and I don't know what to do. I don't even want to go on living if he goes to prison. I don't want him here, yet when he is gone I cannot function from worry that he been picked up or dead somewhere. This cannot be happening to me..
Even on felony probation he still doing the same thing. He goes into crying spells, how no one loves him, no one will help him, we have helped him over and over and he continues the same journey. I have to be able to focus on my health and my husbands. My son has called me every name thinkable and then some, threatened my husband (stepdad) to drop him to the ground. How can this be happening? How do I deal with the fact my son is going to end up in prison. I can't..I want to help him..So scared here. so Sorry for the long post. I have no one to talk to, all family and friends say is stop worrying about it, let him grow up, but were talking prison. He is a scrawny young man, he won't survive..
Thank you all for listening and letting me share in your stories..
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Old 03-25-2013, 10:40 PM
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Dear Debysue, I understand how you are feeling. My AS is 23 and currently in jail. I would just say this. Sometimes, prison is the best thing for addicts who are out of control. It sounds like he is not respecting your boundaries and your expectations. You may just consider getting a restraining order against him and advising him that if he comes back on your property, you will call the police. Let that be the warning. if he disobeys that ruling, then he will go to jail. I would let you know also that meth changes the brain of an addict and it takes a long spell of abstinence to regain some of the normalcy of a meth addled brain. I also encourage you to take care of your health and your husband. Your son has taken advantage of you and needs to live life the way he chooses without putting you or yours in harms way.
God Bless, it is very hard having an addict child
TT
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Old 03-25-2013, 10:52 PM
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Im so sorry for your circumstances. I hope you can focus on you and your husbands health. I hate to say this but maybe prison would be best for him. That might be the reality check he needs to get it together. I hope your stress level lessens.
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:11 AM
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Debysu46, I understand the pain you are going through. When I arrived on SR, my screen name was wheredoiturn. I felt hopeless and in despair. I thought I needed to save my son to save myself.

It was only when I accepted that my son chose his own path and he has to walk it. No matter how much I thought I could save him, it was not within my power. No amount of tears and pleading and shouting made the sligtest difference. I realised that all the "help" I thought I gave him, only helped him to maintain his addiction. I did not know the stranger who used to be my beautiful, darling boy whom I loved so much.

I agree that prison may be the best thing at this stage. You and your husband can choose not to have your lives destroyed by his addiction anymore. Get a restraining order. An addict will destroy all those around them, but only if you let them.

I will keep you, your husband and son in my prayers and may you find the strength to do what is best for you all.
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Old 03-26-2013, 01:26 AM
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I hope things get better for you and your husband first.
It doesn't sound like your son will change anytime soon as you're on here posting in a way to understand it all (like I myself had with a friend).
My thoughts are with you.
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:46 AM
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I was visiting my sons XAGF in jail last week. She told me she is happy because she is free of her addiction. Her dad offered to get her a bond hearing and she refused. She is scared because when her court date comes up she knows she will probably not get time and she realizes her odds of staying clean in the same environment are not good. Her parents are older and have no understanding of addiction. They are both on pain meds themselves (she is an opiate addict) I am trying to find a good program out of our area for her.

I'm not saying prison is a great place but it is my experience that so many loved ones i.e.: parents, spouses etc. go to great lengths to keep their addicts out of prison because of fear. What is the alternative then? They can die in their addiction, of overdose, drug deal gone bad, depression etc. Our ideas and images of prison are tainted by B movies, reality TV (which we all know is NOT reality) and any number of bad jokes that nighttime talk show hosts tell. The truth is that MANY addicts will tell you that prison/jail was the best thing that could have happened to them. No one wants to go there but there are worse things. For many addicts it is what saves their lives.
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Old 03-26-2013, 08:03 AM
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Debysu46,
I totally know what you are going through. My AS just landed himself in jail just over a week ago. I was worried. After much debate my Ex and I decided NOT to bail him out. I had no idea things were so bad with him. He called his wife about a week ago and told her this is the longest he has been sober in 6 years... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He seemed to have it together...
Anyway. Let me tell you. After I got past the first few days. I realized this is the best place for him... for now. He cannot hurt any one or himself. It is almost a relief he is there. I don't have to worry about where he is or where he is going...
He may be mad at you if he gets thrown in. But I can tell you he will get over it.. It is amazing how much better my sons mind is since he has had time to "dry out"
Now only if my AH would get thrown in....
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Old 03-26-2013, 08:08 AM
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Debysu,
I am sorry for your pain and hope that you are able to find some comfort here.

I'm afraid that your son stands a much better chance of surviving in prison than the situation he is currently in.

It took me quite a while to accept that my attempts to help weren't helping at all, in fact they were allowing him to continue. I tried everything to keep him out of jail, until I ran out of fixes and he spent time in jail...and survived just fine.

As Tinks mentioned, no one wants to go to jail. But yet they continue to act out in ways that will land them there. Until we let them face the consequences, why would they even try to stop?
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Old 03-26-2013, 08:18 AM
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So very sorry for your pain.I was terrified for my addict husband (opiates /alcohol) to go to prison but even though it did not keep him sober for very long, it was one of the best things for my family. We did not have to guess where he was, what he was doing or what condition he would be in when he returned. He ate someone else's food (and not whatever he chose) had a roof over his head, access to counseling and education and he would most certainly not speak to anyone in there (even though he's a big guy)the way he was on the outside. I hope you and your husband will check into your local Al-Anon group. Take care and best wishes!
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Old 03-26-2013, 08:37 AM
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Hey there-
Your anguish is palpable in your post. I am also the mother of a meth (DOC) and heroin addict. I understand your desperation in a way that only someone who has lived it can. My son is 31. He is currently in early recovery.

Sometimes we, as the loved ones of an addict, reach a bottom too. We simply have tried everything and yet the addict continues to use. There came a time for me when it was down to him or me......because we were both going down. Me for frantically trying to save him, obsessing, worrying and succumbing to his manipulations......and him from chasing the high and lifestyle.

Some people will try to guilt you for putting yourself first. Some people will encourage the continued "love and support" of the addict to the exclusion of your own welfare.....insinuating that you haven't done enough. They know nothing of your challenge or your life or what you have done. Until one has walked in our shoes and experiences the pain of knowing the child we raised is sticking a needle in their arm or witness meth psychosis......they know nothing.

Sometimes what we need to hear is simple......it's ok to take care of you.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this nightmare. There is a way to find a measure of peace.....whether your son continues to use or not. It begins by letting him live his life and taking back your own.

My biggest challenge was overcoming the FEAR. Fear of jail, fear of imprisonment, fear of death. Once I conquered my fear, I was able to refocus and begin to live again. I wish that peace for you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:51 PM
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Another mama checking in here, my addicted son has been in and out of recovery/relapse for about 15 years (gasp, I can't believe it's been that long) and I learned that nothing I said or did could change what he did. I gave my whole life trying to save him and almost died myself in the process.

As others have said, there are worse places than jail for your son. Sometimes God's gifts come strangely wrapped, and jail just might save his life.

Please call the police and get a restraining order to keep him away from your house before someone gets hurt.

My prayers go out for all of you.

Hugs
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:43 PM
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My daughter is an addict and I have done everything I can do to help her but to no avail. I live with the hope that she will take action to help herself because I know that is when her life will change with the kind of change that sticks. The pain of knowing her condition is excruciating sometimes though.

I have read some wonderful feedback here on your thread. Mounds of accrued wisdom from lots of mommies in pain, just like you.

Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. What do you have to do to take care of yourself? Ask your heart that question and then do it.

Sending heart felt prayers your way...
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Old 03-27-2013, 01:41 AM
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Jail is not the end.
Death (by O.D.) is the end.

(Don't fear the wrong things)
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:02 AM
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Debysu, I just spent two weeks teaching in a prison and met a whole lot of addicts who were working their recovery. It is not the worst place, nor is it the end, as Vale put it. It sounds like you are putting your LIFE and your husband's at risk by continuing to do what you are doing with no change on his part. Get a restraining order, call the police, do whatever it takes to keep yourselves safe. His addiction is running the show and there's nothing you can do besides protect yourselves from the fallout and destruction. He is a grown man.

I am the mother of a recovering heroin addict, so I understand and feel your pain; I wish you peace and courage.

Remember the Serenity Prayer and take it into your mind completely: God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." This helps me every single day. Blessings on you and your whole family.
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Old 03-27-2013, 02:44 PM
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Someone once told me that an addict will not desire recovery until staying sober is easier than continuing to use. Harsh consequences of using drugs is necessary for your son to ever get better. He needs to feel uncomfortable & in pain. Prison may not be the answer but it can be one negative consequence that may make him open his eyes. Prison didn't work for my brother as he began using again three months after being released but I absolutely believe it extended his life. I don't think he would still be alive today had he not been arrested.
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:46 PM
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It made me so sad to read your post. I can feel the terror in your words and I remember it so well. A little different because it was my boyfriend with the problem, but everything you say was how I felt at the time. I truly think it almost killed me. What saved me was that every time I started to spiral I just asked myself "what do I need right now?" and instead of doing what he needed I did what I needed. It took awhile but eventually it became habitual and gave me back some strength. I hope you find peace soon, I am so sorry you have to suffer like this.

As for prison, when my ex was in prison, life was so much better. I knew where he was, he was sober and he was working on himself. Sometimes what you fear can actually be a blessing in disguise.
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Old 03-27-2013, 09:30 PM
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I Agree with what most have said here at least in Prison You Know he isn't doing drugs.. No longer can he hurt himself or others.. I honestly feel you would be much more at peace than you are now and that may just be what he needs to straighten his life up..
Praying for you and sending you hugs.
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Old 04-15-2013, 09:59 PM
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Heart Broken, Scared & Scarred

I know I haven't posted in awhile and want to thank everyone for all the kind words and advice..I come here daily and just read and read..I still cannot get over the embarrassment of having and AS like this. The trend continues of course because I don't have what it takes to lock him up. I let him continue to abuse me verbally, constantly finding his stuff all over, have even smelled the odor in my home..
Why would he continue this path while on felony probation for 8 yrs? Why am I his target all the time? I am the one who has been there every step of the way for him. Done everything. Bailed him out so many times..Thousands and thousands in the hole because of him. He tells me to shut up, calls me names, everything. It's horrible. I keep threatning with I will call your PO but I cannot bring myself to do it..Me being the cause of having my son go to prison, I would die inside. I already am. My husbands health is getting worse. I sit and cry all the time alone.
How do you people do it? Where do I get strength from? My son needs help so bad. He has not done one thing to look for a job, part of his probation rules, and has to have paper filled out by every employer he goes to. Not one has he done in 2 months. Has no money to pay fines. Yet he comes in here with laptops, xboxes, etc...I know, he trading for drugs but he thinks I am stupid.
I just cannot be a part of this anymore. He is 29 yrs old, but the mentality to me of a child, but its probably just the drugs. As when he comes down he cries and cries like a little baby. He will lay flat on floor kicking his feet crying he starving to death, he dying..Yet when he coming down, he eats me out of house and home. I am so sorry to vent..But I am so depressed that sometimes I would rather not be alive. No more pain..Love to all of you..you all are the best and thanks for hearing me.
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Old 04-15-2013, 10:10 PM
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Debysu, you are right, "this is not my little loving boy", he's 28 years old, a grown man. Most loving parents can't stand the idea that their children go astray, so they try to remember their loving little boy instead. Tell me, would your loving little boy tell you to shut the f*** up.
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Old 04-15-2013, 10:32 PM
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Debysu, my AS has also treated me worse than anyone else. I asked myself so many times why he would treat his father with respect who has abused him emotionally for so many years and treat me like dirt when I was the one who was always there for him.

The answer that came to me was this: He treated me with such anger because deep down he knew I was not doing what was best for him by supporting his addiction. He also knew that no human being should put up with the treatment I received from him and that was why there was no respect.

If we want their respect, they need to see that we mean what we say and that we are not their doormats. They need to see that we respect ourselves enough not to put up with their abuse.

I went to prison twice a month with a friend to teach a course. It was one of the best things I did for myself. Not only did I get to meet some of the most wonderful people, but it showed me how much time they have to work on themselves.

Prison may be the gift you give to your son, when you have nothing else left to give.
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