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step nine: made direct amends to such people whenever possible.

Old 03-25-2013, 06:56 PM
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step nine: made direct amends to such people whenever possible.

Today is my moms birthday. She is the first addict/codependent to ever enter my life and she is the one who taught me many of my beliefs values and behaviors. She was all over my fourth step, and man oh man. I hated, HATED her for years and years.

It has been 13 years since I moved out of her house because her pain pills were just out of control, and she had also become so enmeshed on her new bf (who is now her husband) that she had completely forgotten me. She has been sober off of her opiates for about 5 years now, but she still "needs" her benzos. Whatever. Im no longer a child, be dependent then mom, no skin off my back. Her codependency on her husband drives me nuts now that I can see what it is... " well, I need to ask him first, well, he said no, I would like to but what would he think?".Him him him... He has been the center of her universe since he came in the picture. Pisses me off.

She lives only a few miles away from me and I haven't seen her in two years. I do talk to her on the phone once a month or so. Well , I have decided to let the past be the past, and I really do believe that working steps 4-7 have enabled me to do this.

Accept the things I cannot change means I accept my mother, just the way she is, and Im going to try to forgive her just the way god forgave me.

I bought her a birthday present for the first time in 13 years, Im only 25. That is half of my lifetime. The very last gift she gave me was a snowglobe with a unicorn in it when I was 11. It plays somewhere over the rainbow and is one of my most prized possesions. (see my post about "my esh from a 6 year old" if you want to know why the unicorn is so important) and so I got her a snowglobe in return. It has a scroll in it that says "the Lord bless you and keep you,the Lord make his face shine upon you, the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. ~Numbers 6: 24-26" and it has butterflies all over it. Im sure we all know the metaphor of the butterfly by now.

I know she will like it, and see significance in it, but Im not really setting myself for any reaction from her. The gift says what I want to say, after damning her name all of my life its a big deal to say god bless.

Anyhow, thanks for letting me share. Hugs to you all.
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Old 03-25-2013, 07:11 PM
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Wow, Lily1918, your recovery is really working for you!! My heart hurt while reading the first part of your story, but the second half made me smile - you're doing so well and you should be very proud of yourself. You are an inspiration to all of us here - thank you for sharing this.
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Old 03-25-2013, 07:25 PM
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Lily, you are FANTASTIC.
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Old 03-25-2013, 07:42 PM
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Im almost to her house now and getting my teeth... ugh... doubting.... ok... one two three GO! I think I can I think I can..... fake it till you make it right? lol
thanks you guys
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Old 03-25-2013, 07:50 PM
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You can do it!! You've come this far!!
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Old 03-26-2013, 03:02 AM
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Omg her husband is unbearable. Totally narcisistic in every way imaginable.

But me and mom had a great time. She shared with me an awesome secret, when buying fabric for crafts, instead of paying lots and lots of money by the yard, she goes to the thrift store and buys old sheets for pennies on the dollar., brings them home and washes them in color safe bleach, and dries them on high to make sure they are clean. She then makes baby clothes out of them and donates them to charity. She has disney characters of all types. Im so excited! My little ones LOVE disney but I cant afford to buy the clothes and curtains from the store, but now I can!

I am extremely triggered to rescue her from her husband. I think from now on I will time visits when he is not there. This may sound terrible but I cant wait till he dies so she can be free. Ugh thats a terrible thing to say.

Im glad to be friends with this person, but she is a shell of the woman I remember. A shining example of codependency run WILD and her husband isnt even an addict.

Hmmm... maybe sobriety alone isnt the only answer.....
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Old 03-26-2013, 04:14 AM
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Hmmm... maybe sobriety alone isnt the only answer.....
You got thaat one correct Lily!!!!!!!!!!

It took me until 3 years sober and at the very Strong Urging (as in 'you must' do it NOW) I started attending Alanon, in addition to my AA on my 3rd birthday in AA. I found a 'different' perspective on the 12 steps from what I had learned in AA and because of that, I do feel it has and does help my recovery program immensely.

My mother remained a Valium addict until the day she died. It was in Alanon that I learned about the past relationship we had had, and I took the steps I needed to take to be able to have a 'new' relationship with her. I set my boundaries for me, and followed through with them. When we would be talking on the phone and she would start her spiel, I quickly ended the call.

When I would visit (usually 2 weeks at a time) and she would start again, I would look at my watch, and say 'oops time for my meeting' and off I would go. And when my dad died, I went down and stayed with her for 4 weeks, came home, took care of my business, got some new clients up and running, and back I went to FL for another 5 weeks. By the time I left she was handling daddy's passing better, had lined up and was going for grief counseling, and had actually joined a non-denominational church before daddy died and was going and counseling with the pastor.

(((((Lily))))) you can do and be whatever you want!!!!! You are doing quite well in your recovery, especially with all that you have on your plate at such a young age. You do make my heart smile!!!!!

Sending more healing thoughts and prayers for you and your whole family.

Oh and it is NOT abnormal to have the thoughts you have about your mom's husband. You see him being and having a bad affect on your mom and your 'codie' side is saying "let's fix this anyway possible", lol It is okay to think those thoughts, just do not dwell on them.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-27-2013, 11:24 AM
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Isnt it funny how I always wanna rescue people? My mom from her husband, codies living with active addiction and in denial, the dog on death row in the animal shelter... I guess its something I still have to work on :l
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Old 03-27-2013, 11:29 AM
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maybe it's time to rescue LILLY!
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Old 03-27-2013, 12:28 PM
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Anvilhead,

You gotta drive the codie bus, and I will bring some snacks.
I am up for a road trip!
*****! Let's get Lily!

Beth
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Old 03-27-2013, 12:43 PM
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I love you guys! Can we go to Disney land? I saw on facebook that if you yell "Andys coming!" At the toystory characters that they play dead immediately. I want to try this out and see if its true.

Hahaha!
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Old 03-27-2013, 04:07 PM
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the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round! i got the bus and some popcorn...!
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Old 03-27-2013, 05:16 PM
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A visit to see your boyfriend and your mother all in one week....and your still sane! lol

God is good!
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