the system benefits the perpetrator but not the victim
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the system benefits the perpetrator but not the victim
Pardon me for whining, but I'm just so frustrated making my last effort to help my husband.
I've been dealing with my husband's progressively worsening heroin addiction for 9 months how, and many times I've been so close to crashing and burning but I've picked myself up and done what I've needed to do.
My husband is in detox right now. I've given him the final ultimatum: When he gets out of detox he needs to go into treatment or we will divorce. Period. Prior to the ultimatum he was going to leave the detox and not have any further treatment, but my ultimatum convinced him otherwise. Fine. We're in agreement. But it's not so easy to get the treatment going.
First, the detox facility has made it very difficult for me to find out what's going on even though my husband has signed a form to release all of his medical info to me. I called them for info and they did provide a little bit, but they told me I'd need to talk to my husband. Fine. They said they'd have him call me, but then they didn't follow through so I had to call them to remind them. I was able to talk to my husband late in the afternoon, but during our conversation they told him to tell me that I need to stop calling. F*CK. I told my husband that he needs to ask them if they can keep him for another day or two and I will try to get him into another program. My husband said he'd find out and then let me know the next time he can call, but 4 hours has passed and no call. I suspect they're not going to let him call me any more.
In the mean time, I called my insurance company. I had checked online prior to calling and found out both inpatient and outpatient treatment are covered. Great! I called the insurance company to find out what I need to do to get my husband into treatment. The rep was barely helpful, after much wasted conversation about my husband's current situation she gave me the names of 3 facilities that were supposedly close by. I found out later that one of them is a one hour one-way commute. She gave me a phone number to one that I thought would be closest... and then I found out the number isn't valid! I want to mention that I spent a total of 50 minutes for this call, most of the time on hold.
I went online to try to get the correct number for the closest facility. After about 15 minutes I found what I thought was the right number, but when I called it I discovered that it's a hotline for abused women. That person transfers me to another number ... also wrong, emergency room. Fortunately that person gives me what I think will be the correct number, but of course by the time we were all done it was too late, the office was closed, so I'll have to call back tomorrow.
So I called the detox facility again and tried to get some info about when my husband is getting out, because initially they told me tomorrow morning but he was supposed to ask for some extended time, but the guy I spoke to refused to give out any detailed info even though I told him I'm authorized to receive it. He transferred me to his supervisor but I got voice mail. When I called back he told me that he'd take down my info and the supervisor would call. Of course it hasn't happened.
My husband's 72 hour clock is ticking and last I knew they were going to release him tomorrow morning, which is way too early for a guy who is deep in the throes, getting to the point of not caring any more, and who just this morning had planned to walk away from the detox facility with no further treatment. I cannot trust him to live in the condo with me and his sister won't take him so right now he has nowhere to go. I can put him in a hotel but I'll trust him there about as much as I'd trust him at home!
I have managed to resolve absolutely nothing despite working on this for HOURS today.
I've started to wonder, and I've started to ask the people I'm talking to, if I should I envy my husband. He's getting help! I have none. He doesn't have to go to work now (because he quit his crappy job last week), all he needs to do is be sick and attend counseling sessions and walk around and be bored. Out here, I have to work my full time job and make a thousand phone calls and deal with unhelpful people and not get anywhere. I am the victim here, my husband is the perpetrator, hence my subject line.
Honestly it makes me want to just give up and be helpless like my husband is. Maybe I need to start abusing, then I can get some help.
Oh, I forgot to add that I had called my husband's sister this morning to tell her what's going on and ask if she wanted to take him in for a few days, but I warned her that he might cause her problems. She launched into an attack on me that I was abandoning him! She said she was going to "give him the benefit of the doubt". He has lied over and over to her as well as to me. He told her that I am the cause of most or all of his problems, and she took his side. We ended up screaming at each other and she hurled a nasty pathetic insult at me, "Now we know why you can never keep a man", which didn't really hurt me in the way she intended because it's just nonsense, she has no knowledge of my past relationships, but what hurt was that my husband had thrown me under the bus and she was believing his BS when in fact I am the honest person and I was trying to be helpful to her to warn her if she took him in she might experience some major problems. Fortunately she called me back later, tearful, and apologized. She also said she knows I'm right and she knows he's a lying cheating addict and she cannot have him at her house. This is actually going to help him. It's kind of sad though that her apology was the bright spot of my day.
Ok, I think I'm done venting now. I feel a little better, I think. I'm sure most have you have been through this and know what I'm talking about. At least I'm expecting to have a peaceful evening.
I've been dealing with my husband's progressively worsening heroin addiction for 9 months how, and many times I've been so close to crashing and burning but I've picked myself up and done what I've needed to do.
My husband is in detox right now. I've given him the final ultimatum: When he gets out of detox he needs to go into treatment or we will divorce. Period. Prior to the ultimatum he was going to leave the detox and not have any further treatment, but my ultimatum convinced him otherwise. Fine. We're in agreement. But it's not so easy to get the treatment going.
First, the detox facility has made it very difficult for me to find out what's going on even though my husband has signed a form to release all of his medical info to me. I called them for info and they did provide a little bit, but they told me I'd need to talk to my husband. Fine. They said they'd have him call me, but then they didn't follow through so I had to call them to remind them. I was able to talk to my husband late in the afternoon, but during our conversation they told him to tell me that I need to stop calling. F*CK. I told my husband that he needs to ask them if they can keep him for another day or two and I will try to get him into another program. My husband said he'd find out and then let me know the next time he can call, but 4 hours has passed and no call. I suspect they're not going to let him call me any more.
In the mean time, I called my insurance company. I had checked online prior to calling and found out both inpatient and outpatient treatment are covered. Great! I called the insurance company to find out what I need to do to get my husband into treatment. The rep was barely helpful, after much wasted conversation about my husband's current situation she gave me the names of 3 facilities that were supposedly close by. I found out later that one of them is a one hour one-way commute. She gave me a phone number to one that I thought would be closest... and then I found out the number isn't valid! I want to mention that I spent a total of 50 minutes for this call, most of the time on hold.
I went online to try to get the correct number for the closest facility. After about 15 minutes I found what I thought was the right number, but when I called it I discovered that it's a hotline for abused women. That person transfers me to another number ... also wrong, emergency room. Fortunately that person gives me what I think will be the correct number, but of course by the time we were all done it was too late, the office was closed, so I'll have to call back tomorrow.
So I called the detox facility again and tried to get some info about when my husband is getting out, because initially they told me tomorrow morning but he was supposed to ask for some extended time, but the guy I spoke to refused to give out any detailed info even though I told him I'm authorized to receive it. He transferred me to his supervisor but I got voice mail. When I called back he told me that he'd take down my info and the supervisor would call. Of course it hasn't happened.
My husband's 72 hour clock is ticking and last I knew they were going to release him tomorrow morning, which is way too early for a guy who is deep in the throes, getting to the point of not caring any more, and who just this morning had planned to walk away from the detox facility with no further treatment. I cannot trust him to live in the condo with me and his sister won't take him so right now he has nowhere to go. I can put him in a hotel but I'll trust him there about as much as I'd trust him at home!
I have managed to resolve absolutely nothing despite working on this for HOURS today.
I've started to wonder, and I've started to ask the people I'm talking to, if I should I envy my husband. He's getting help! I have none. He doesn't have to go to work now (because he quit his crappy job last week), all he needs to do is be sick and attend counseling sessions and walk around and be bored. Out here, I have to work my full time job and make a thousand phone calls and deal with unhelpful people and not get anywhere. I am the victim here, my husband is the perpetrator, hence my subject line.
Honestly it makes me want to just give up and be helpless like my husband is. Maybe I need to start abusing, then I can get some help.
Oh, I forgot to add that I had called my husband's sister this morning to tell her what's going on and ask if she wanted to take him in for a few days, but I warned her that he might cause her problems. She launched into an attack on me that I was abandoning him! She said she was going to "give him the benefit of the doubt". He has lied over and over to her as well as to me. He told her that I am the cause of most or all of his problems, and she took his side. We ended up screaming at each other and she hurled a nasty pathetic insult at me, "Now we know why you can never keep a man", which didn't really hurt me in the way she intended because it's just nonsense, she has no knowledge of my past relationships, but what hurt was that my husband had thrown me under the bus and she was believing his BS when in fact I am the honest person and I was trying to be helpful to her to warn her if she took him in she might experience some major problems. Fortunately she called me back later, tearful, and apologized. She also said she knows I'm right and she knows he's a lying cheating addict and she cannot have him at her house. This is actually going to help him. It's kind of sad though that her apology was the bright spot of my day.
Ok, I think I'm done venting now. I feel a little better, I think. I'm sure most have you have been through this and know what I'm talking about. At least I'm expecting to have a peaceful evening.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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I think about all of the people trying to get help for loved ones with serious problems and they have to go through this same type of nightmarish experience. Hours of work and nothing but frustration. At least my husband isn't dying of cancer and wasn't in some horrible disfiguring accident. Maybe I should consider myself lucky or something.
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Madinboston- I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's so frustrating dealing with insurance companies. It's like no one wants to help. I'm hoping and praying for you that you get a kind soul on the line when you call again. Heroin is an evil drug and not one that is easy to get off of. I know because my son was addicted for a long time and it took several attempts with an outpatient rehab as well as 2 inpatient rehabs before he finally decided he was done. I hope your husband can get into a rehab and really work a program. Take care of yourself and read what others have to say. Their wisdom and experience is invaluable.
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Looking back through my other posts I realized that I can't even keep time straight any more. I think it was early September when I first discovered that my husband was using, that's 7 months ago. Not 9. In another post I wrote 6. 
I'm misplacing items too. Forgetting things. Having a hard time concentrating. I'm sure it's all part of the normal experience, sad as it is to say that.
I'm misplacing items too. Forgetting things. Having a hard time concentrating. I'm sure it's all part of the normal experience, sad as it is to say that.
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No offence but detox has no time for family, they don’t want you to talk to him and with good reason, the most important being he is a big boy and can do this himself and really should be. Can’t he call to get himself into treatment, well he sure can. And if he doesn’t, that isn’t your problem.
This isn’t yours, it never was and never will be. And there is plenty of support for you, but you aren’t seeking any out for yourself you are seeking it all out for him. Why can’t he find his own help …isn’t he capable enough to help himself? And I know you want to say no and see him as sick and with this huge insurmountable problem, but just because he is a heroin addict doesn’t mean he can’t find himself help. Surely his fingers can dial the phone when he needs a fix, so he has proved he knows how a phone works. If he is done he will work on himself to get well as hard as he worked to get a fix.
You drew the line in the sand, now leave him to find what he wants. And if he gets out and uses then he does and it isn’t personal and not something you can control. This is his choice, his life, his addiction, his insanity.
Trust me yours is much different.
And for all that you think you know about him, I am sure there is much more.
Sadly you were only a victim once, after that you were a willing participant. Addiction isn’t called a family disease without good reason.
I suggest you find some help for you. Educate yourself on enabling, on codependency and even addiction. Find a counselor, a meeting, do the work, whatever it takes to bring peace to you life. Work on you as you wish he would work on himself. And know that peace and happiness will never ever be dependent on him. That is an inside job. What you feel, how you let his addiction run you, is you letting his addiction run you. Find your why’s to any fear, to any anger, to any need to blame…
Ahh heroin…sweet, sweet heroin. It took nothing, I gave it all away, so freely. I was as sick if not sicker than my husband and I wasn’t even using it.
And the following…
This isn’t normal, but it is a sign that you aren’t taking good enough care of yourself.
It will get better, the moment you allow it too and it won't have a damn thing to do with him.
This isn’t yours, it never was and never will be. And there is plenty of support for you, but you aren’t seeking any out for yourself you are seeking it all out for him. Why can’t he find his own help …isn’t he capable enough to help himself? And I know you want to say no and see him as sick and with this huge insurmountable problem, but just because he is a heroin addict doesn’t mean he can’t find himself help. Surely his fingers can dial the phone when he needs a fix, so he has proved he knows how a phone works. If he is done he will work on himself to get well as hard as he worked to get a fix.
You drew the line in the sand, now leave him to find what he wants. And if he gets out and uses then he does and it isn’t personal and not something you can control. This is his choice, his life, his addiction, his insanity.
Trust me yours is much different.
And for all that you think you know about him, I am sure there is much more.
Sadly you were only a victim once, after that you were a willing participant. Addiction isn’t called a family disease without good reason.
I suggest you find some help for you. Educate yourself on enabling, on codependency and even addiction. Find a counselor, a meeting, do the work, whatever it takes to bring peace to you life. Work on you as you wish he would work on himself. And know that peace and happiness will never ever be dependent on him. That is an inside job. What you feel, how you let his addiction run you, is you letting his addiction run you. Find your why’s to any fear, to any anger, to any need to blame…
Ahh heroin…sweet, sweet heroin. It took nothing, I gave it all away, so freely. I was as sick if not sicker than my husband and I wasn’t even using it.
And the following…
I'm misplacing items too. Forgetting things. Having a hard time concentrating. I'm sure it's all part of the normal experience, sad as it is to say that.
It will get better, the moment you allow it too and it won't have a damn thing to do with him.
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My agony continues. My husband never called and I need to know if he's coming out tomorrow or another day so that I can get him a hotel room. I called the facility. The person I spoke to is a complete assh*le. He told me that my husband will have to call me to tell me himself when he's being discharged. I said "Will that be tonight yet, or tomorrow?" and assh*le said "Tomorrow". I asked assh*le if my husband had asked to extend his treatment, because when I spoke to him this afternoon he said he would do that. Assh*le told me that it was as "personal issue" between my husband and me and he couldn't get involved. 
I protested, I told him I'm authorized to know his medical info and I need to know 1) when is he being discharged and 2) did he request to extend his treatment. After much runaround assh*le finally stated that 1) my husband is being released tomorrow morning and 2) he did not request to extend his treatment. My husband apparently didn't do what he said he was going to do, or else assh*le doesn't know what's going on and he just made something up. When I asked for the exact time of release assh*le said "some time before noon". Then he proceeded to complain that I was calling too much. I told him "If you ran things more efficiently I wouldn't have to keep calling".
They are very protective of the people who are causing all of the problems, but those of out here who are suffering greatly are treated like dirt. Worse than dirt. I'm trying to not let assh*le turn me against my husband when I am willing to give my husband one last chance, but let me tell you this is really trying my patience.
I am probably my husband's last hope before he becomes a burden on society, you'd think the system would help me help him.
I protested, I told him I'm authorized to know his medical info and I need to know 1) when is he being discharged and 2) did he request to extend his treatment. After much runaround assh*le finally stated that 1) my husband is being released tomorrow morning and 2) he did not request to extend his treatment. My husband apparently didn't do what he said he was going to do, or else assh*le doesn't know what's going on and he just made something up. When I asked for the exact time of release assh*le said "some time before noon". Then he proceeded to complain that I was calling too much. I told him "If you ran things more efficiently I wouldn't have to keep calling".They are very protective of the people who are causing all of the problems, but those of out here who are suffering greatly are treated like dirt. Worse than dirt. I'm trying to not let assh*le turn me against my husband when I am willing to give my husband one last chance, but let me tell you this is really trying my patience.
I am probably my husband's last hope before he becomes a burden on society, you'd think the system would help me help him.
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Originally Posted by incitingsilence 
Why can’t he find his own help …isn’t he capable enough to help himself?
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mad, "the system" seems to favor the addict because they know how to work it. Addicts are in and out of hospitals, treatments and/or jails frequently & know what to say, know how to act, know how to get sympathy ect... The criminal justice always seems willing to give the addict "another chance". It is said that an addict could sell ice to a Eskimo. They are adept at conning people.
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I've started to wonder, and I've started to ask the people I'm talking to, if I should I envy my husband. He's getting help! I have none. He doesn't have to go to work now (because he quit his crappy job last week), all he needs to do is be sick and attend counseling sessions and walk around and be bored. Out here, I have to work my full time job and make a thousand phone calls and deal with unhelpful people and not get anywhere. I am the victim here, my husband is the perpetrator, hence my subject line.
Best,
ZoSo
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Hi MIB,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. We are your support.
You mention wanting to just give up? Well, if you are serious...it would save you a great deal of agony to throw in the towel, realize you have no control over this or him and start thinking about what you need to do for you.
I know, that sounds crazy but read around here for a while and you'll begin to notice a pattern; the people that really seem to be making it here did exactly that. You can tell by their very wise words who they are and that they have found a way to serenity despite having dealt with and even being still in the midst of some very painful situations.
I know none of it makes sense, but there is a reason the detox people are acting that way. It's likely that your husband is not interested in getting help and they have seen evidence of that. Their job isn't to explain it to us, but to handle the medical aspects of getting the addicts safely detoxed.
Please read around here as much as possible- have you checked out the stickies at the top of the forums? Very helpful, especially the one at the very top that Ann just posted in the last few days.
Knowing what I know today, I wouldn't bother picking your husband up at all. You'll hear from him. If he wants help, they will have given him all the information necessary to locate it. You can demand he go to rehab but it won't get him clean if he doesn't want to be there. And he likely doesn't or you wouldn't have been getting the run around on the phone. If he does want to go, he'll get there come he'll or high water and he will ask you for help getting checked in if he needs it. Also, please know there are many high quality free programs that have great success rates. Don't let this situation cause you further financial hardship.
I know you are hurting badly. It's a very painful and confusing thing that we face. But you are not the victim and he is not the perpetrator. You have a right to your anger, and it is healthy to have it. But you will learn here that you have great power and when you begin using it for your own well-being, everything will look very different to you.
Peace and Prayers for you, him and his sister.
Please stick with us and we'll support one another.
Hanna
Welcome to Sober Recovery. We are your support.
You mention wanting to just give up? Well, if you are serious...it would save you a great deal of agony to throw in the towel, realize you have no control over this or him and start thinking about what you need to do for you.
I know, that sounds crazy but read around here for a while and you'll begin to notice a pattern; the people that really seem to be making it here did exactly that. You can tell by their very wise words who they are and that they have found a way to serenity despite having dealt with and even being still in the midst of some very painful situations.
I know none of it makes sense, but there is a reason the detox people are acting that way. It's likely that your husband is not interested in getting help and they have seen evidence of that. Their job isn't to explain it to us, but to handle the medical aspects of getting the addicts safely detoxed.
Please read around here as much as possible- have you checked out the stickies at the top of the forums? Very helpful, especially the one at the very top that Ann just posted in the last few days.
Knowing what I know today, I wouldn't bother picking your husband up at all. You'll hear from him. If he wants help, they will have given him all the information necessary to locate it. You can demand he go to rehab but it won't get him clean if he doesn't want to be there. And he likely doesn't or you wouldn't have been getting the run around on the phone. If he does want to go, he'll get there come he'll or high water and he will ask you for help getting checked in if he needs it. Also, please know there are many high quality free programs that have great success rates. Don't let this situation cause you further financial hardship.
I know you are hurting badly. It's a very painful and confusing thing that we face. But you are not the victim and he is not the perpetrator. You have a right to your anger, and it is healthy to have it. But you will learn here that you have great power and when you begin using it for your own well-being, everything will look very different to you.
Peace and Prayers for you, him and his sister.
Please stick with us and we'll support one another.
Hanna
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Death…
This is one of the biggest fears of all those watching. I literally had to mourn my husband as he was very much alive … or as alive as one could be using heroin … to get past that fear. I also had to realize that I had no control and if he wanted to die there was no one but him who could stop that. I don’t know if there is any other way but doing that to get past the fear. This thinking that we can somehow save another, especially when we have not a thought in our heads to save ourselves.
This is one of the biggest fears of all those watching. I literally had to mourn my husband as he was very much alive … or as alive as one could be using heroin … to get past that fear. I also had to realize that I had no control and if he wanted to die there was no one but him who could stop that. I don’t know if there is any other way but doing that to get past the fear. This thinking that we can somehow save another, especially when we have not a thought in our heads to save ourselves.
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I second incitingsilence's post above. I had to go through this process as well.
This post might be very helpful to you right now.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is excruciating. Please know during the worst of it that you will not always feel as you do at this moment.
This post might be very helpful to you right now.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is excruciating. Please know during the worst of it that you will not always feel as you do at this moment.
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Originally Posted by zoso77
Well, if you allow yourself to be his victim, that's exactly what will happen. But you do have a choice here. So based on this concept of choice, the only question you have to answer is when are you going to give yourself permission to protect yourself and your sanity.
All of the past days he's been quite adamant regardless of what's coming out of his mouth, whether lies and blame (blaming me) or apologies and contrition. But when I spoke to him this afternoon he sounded absolutely resigned, and the more I think about it the more it frightens me. I was so busy earlier today I didn't have time to ruminate, but now I have the time and it's causing me problems. It's like he reached a new low and maybe went too far. Something happened to him in that facility, he had some kind of awful realization, and I'm fearful that it's going to cause him to kill himself either actively or passively. I won't take ownership of his actions, it will have been his decision, but I'll be devastated nonetheless. I'll wonder if I could have handled things differently, of course.
I pray I'm wrong. I pray that my husband walks out of that place tomorrow morning, calls me, I check him into a hotel room, and we set up his new treatment. I need some relief. I need something to go right.
Damn this is hard. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.
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Oh man, I'm recognizing that I'm engaging in all sorts of dysfunctional thinking right now!
It just dawned on me that my fear of my husband committing suicide is as much about my fear of rejection as it is about my fear that he will take his own life. It would be the ultimate slam. I am not worthy enough for him to even bother to stay alive.
The day is winding down and I have time to think too much. I'm obsessing about the absolute worst case scenario, apparently so that I can make myself feel even worse than all of the people I had to deal with today did.
This has been a wild ride and it's not over yet !!! I have a lot to learn. I will take to heart and employ the wisdom in this forum as much as I can.
At least I have the comfort of knowing that my last words to my husband, in our phone conversation this afternoon and in the letter I gave to him last night, were kind and supportive. I'd feel a heck of a lot worse if they'd been nasty.
It just dawned on me that my fear of my husband committing suicide is as much about my fear of rejection as it is about my fear that he will take his own life. It would be the ultimate slam. I am not worthy enough for him to even bother to stay alive.
The day is winding down and I have time to think too much. I'm obsessing about the absolute worst case scenario, apparently so that I can make myself feel even worse than all of the people I had to deal with today did.
This has been a wild ride and it's not over yet !!! I have a lot to learn. I will take to heart and employ the wisdom in this forum as much as I can.
At least I have the comfort of knowing that my last words to my husband, in our phone conversation this afternoon and in the letter I gave to him last night, were kind and supportive. I'd feel a heck of a lot worse if they'd been nasty.
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When he gets out of detox he needs to go into treatment or we will divorce.
interesting...that was your ultimatum..he went to detox, and apparently did nothing to follow thru...did not ask to extend treatment, didn't bother to call you about his release.
meanwhile, you have turned yourself inside out trying to GET him into treatment. countless hour upon hour, call upon call, wearing yourself out. now the detox staff are the enemy, the insurance companies, the treatment centers.
detox has a single purpose....a few days to allow an addict in active addiction to sober up, dry out, hopefully not use. I don't know if you can possibly imagine the sheer number of addicts they serve at any one time. they are limited in what they can possibly do....they are not there to craft a treatment plan, there are strict laws in place to protect patient confidentiality, they have three days to try and help. that's their purpose. they deal with addicts at their absolute worst and try to help them keep from dying from their disease. they aren't @ssholes, they are angels.
your original ultimatum to your AH was treatment or divorce. which only one of you went out of their way to try and make that choice be TREATMENT?
you can't cure him of this. you can't save him. not if he doesn't want to be saved. it's sad, so very sad. for all parties involved. and I truly am sorry. but you are limited in what YOU can do to FIX or change this...much like the detox center. you can't make this come out the way you want....that will be up to him.
interesting...that was your ultimatum..he went to detox, and apparently did nothing to follow thru...did not ask to extend treatment, didn't bother to call you about his release.
meanwhile, you have turned yourself inside out trying to GET him into treatment. countless hour upon hour, call upon call, wearing yourself out. now the detox staff are the enemy, the insurance companies, the treatment centers.
detox has a single purpose....a few days to allow an addict in active addiction to sober up, dry out, hopefully not use. I don't know if you can possibly imagine the sheer number of addicts they serve at any one time. they are limited in what they can possibly do....they are not there to craft a treatment plan, there are strict laws in place to protect patient confidentiality, they have three days to try and help. that's their purpose. they deal with addicts at their absolute worst and try to help them keep from dying from their disease. they aren't @ssholes, they are angels.
your original ultimatum to your AH was treatment or divorce. which only one of you went out of their way to try and make that choice be TREATMENT?
you can't cure him of this. you can't save him. not if he doesn't want to be saved. it's sad, so very sad. for all parties involved. and I truly am sorry. but you are limited in what YOU can do to FIX or change this...much like the detox center. you can't make this come out the way you want....that will be up to him.
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and before you jump down my throat for not understanding...
my husband, a few years before we met, back in his home state, crack cocaine addiction getting out of control...he knew he needed help, so he started calling around to treatment centers...got this one gal on the phone, he states he's in bad shape and needs help...
she says, we will have a free bed in about three weeks, call back then. he's sitting there with a mound of crack in front of him and says, lady at this rate i'll be dead in three weeks. click.
he found other options. within a week he was on a train out west. to start anew. without one single other person trying to HELP. his path wasn't perfect but today he is 7 plus years clean.
my husband, a few years before we met, back in his home state, crack cocaine addiction getting out of control...he knew he needed help, so he started calling around to treatment centers...got this one gal on the phone, he states he's in bad shape and needs help...
she says, we will have a free bed in about three weeks, call back then. he's sitting there with a mound of crack in front of him and says, lady at this rate i'll be dead in three weeks. click.
he found other options. within a week he was on a train out west. to start anew. without one single other person trying to HELP. his path wasn't perfect but today he is 7 plus years clean.
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Originally Posted by MadInBoston
Well, I think I've been pretty good with the tough love stuff, to protect myself and do what I think is best for my husband too. But I don't think I'm going to very sane if my problems go away because my husband commits suicide.
All of the past days he's been quite adamant regardless of what's coming out of his mouth, whether lies and blame (blaming me) or apologies and contrition. But when I spoke to him this afternoon he sounded absolutely resigned, and the more I think about it the more it frightens me. I was so busy earlier today I didn't have time to ruminate, but now I have the time and it's causing me problems. It's like he reached a new low and maybe went too far. Something happened to him in that facility, he had some kind of awful realization, and I'm fearful that it's going to cause him to kill himself either actively or passively. I won't take ownership of his actions, it will have been his decision, but I'll be devastated nonetheless. I'll wonder if I could have handled things differently, of course.
I pray I'm wrong. I pray that my husband walks out of that place tomorrow morning, calls me, I check him into a hotel room, and we set up his new treatment. I need some relief. I need something to go right.
Damn this is hard. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.
All of the past days he's been quite adamant regardless of what's coming out of his mouth, whether lies and blame (blaming me) or apologies and contrition. But when I spoke to him this afternoon he sounded absolutely resigned, and the more I think about it the more it frightens me. I was so busy earlier today I didn't have time to ruminate, but now I have the time and it's causing me problems. It's like he reached a new low and maybe went too far. Something happened to him in that facility, he had some kind of awful realization, and I'm fearful that it's going to cause him to kill himself either actively or passively. I won't take ownership of his actions, it will have been his decision, but I'll be devastated nonetheless. I'll wonder if I could have handled things differently, of course.
I pray I'm wrong. I pray that my husband walks out of that place tomorrow morning, calls me, I check him into a hotel room, and we set up his new treatment. I need some relief. I need something to go right.
Damn this is hard. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.
When I said that you have a choice, the choice I was referring to was the choice of continuing to stay engaged with a sick person. In this case, the sick person is your husband. If his lips are moving, he's lying. And until he makes the decision to seek recovery, he will continue to do what addicts in active addiction do; lying and not accepting responsibility for his behavior amongst those actions.
The only way those of us that have been gravitational pull of an addict has gotten relief is to accept no matter how much we love them, no matter what we do for them, no matter what threats we may make towards them, we have no power over their addiction. We have no control over their behavior. But we do have control over our own behavior, and we certainly have control over our boundaries.
A word of caution about suicidal ideation. In my experience and the experience of some others here, suicidal threats are amongst the cruelest, sadistic form of manipulation. At the same time, it needs to be taken seriously. So no games: call 911 and let the authorities deal with him.
If you're interested in Al Anon, PM me and I can provide you a few good meetings that are north of Boston.
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
didn't bother to call you about his release.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
detox has a single purpose....a few days to allow an addict in active addiction to sober up, dry out, hopefully not use. I don't know if you can possibly imagine the sheer number of addicts they serve at any one time. they are limited in what they can possibly do....they are not there to craft a treatment plan,
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
there are strict laws in place to protect patient confidentiality,
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
they deal with addicts at their absolute worst and try to help them keep from dying from their disease. they aren't @ssholes, they are angels.
I suffered bulimia in my early 20's. In 5 years I went through 5 different treatments. The first was a horrible inpatient program which actually worsened my condition and caused me to become suicidal. The second program was not bad but was ineffective for me. The third and fourth were individualized sessions during which psychiatrists dug deeply into my childhood and I cried buckets ... but I continued to binge and purge. Only the last, a psychologist who was extremely practical and recognized that bulimia is as much a physiological disorder as a mental one, helped me.
What I'm afraid of is that my husband's detox facility is going to send him out the door tomorrow without letting me know, thus depriving me of the opportunity to intervene if my husband decides to kill himself. It was clear to me when I talked to him this afternoon that he's not in his right mind, but they're leaving all decisions up to him.
In February at my urging my husband had gone to see his primary care physician. During that appointment my husband revealed some suicidal thoughts. The doctor did not allow my husband to just walk off without further assistance. He sent my husband to the ER (I accompanied him) and he was thoroughly checked and interviewed before they discharged him, albeit reluctantly. This is what I expect from decent health care professionals.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
your original ultimatum to your AH was treatment or divorce. which only one of you went out of their way to try and make that choice be TREATMENT?
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you can't cure him of this. you can't save him. not if he doesn't want to be saved. it's sad, so very sad. for all parties involved. and I truly am sorry. but you are limited in what YOU can do to FIX or change this...much like the detox center. you can't make this come out the way you want....that will be up to him.
It might not seem like it because of my responses to your comments, but I do appreciate what you wrote and I do understand what you're saying. I've loved some of your posts in other threads! Very sane and practical info.
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