Help - difference between user and addict?
 

Dear members,

Brief story -
I'm confused. I came to this forum a year ago after breaking up with bf who was using cocaine. Things turned really bad and ended with police as we fight at his house. At that time, I thought he's alcohol ate and cocaine addict as he kept telling me that he needed help and needed fresh start but he had been using drugs since 11 year old starting from weed.

We went no contact since Feb last year. But in the end of July, he contacted and apologized. Everybody told me not to see him. But I finally did. And we got back together. He said that he changed and cut doen a lot. He said that he just used recreationally, not often. And claim that he has job and function well.

But since we got back together, it was roller coaster.
- there were 3 times when he got so drunk, he called dealer in front of me and wanted to show me that its not big deal and he could still work next day. I pleaded and cried and yelled and threaten to go to dealer with him.

- his cocaine and alcoholic fren moved into the house as this guy doesn't have enough money.

- many times he promised to come home early but ended up home at 5 or 6 am. Took friends home and snorted coke.

- I found rolled money nite with cocaine powder twice. Found the lemony little plastic bags dunno how many times. There was once he even picked up and said 'emm what is this?!' How funny? Even me as non user could recognize that bag because of him.

- there was once, I wanted to snort coke in front of me, I threaten to cute my wrist with broken glass if he did. He took the glass from me and put the whole cocaine bag into his mouth and chewed. His flatmate was shocked and told him not. But then, this flatmate bursted into laugh and said its awesome. I was the one who worried and cried

- he blamed me for bring crazy, idiot, *******, piece of **** etc whenever we argued. And said that he's not addict. And said I imagined him as a horrible person who made my life miserable.

- it seems to me that he put his addict fren in priority over me. He would prefer having dinner with him even they had been staying together drinking for already 30 hrs and missed the job coz of hangover.

- he's absent from work becoz of hangover 3 times a month. And get diarhea for 2 days afterward. At first, he said its food poisoning. But I observed and found out it just happened everytimes after hangover (or cocaine high)?

- several times when we argued, he told me to pack and leave no matter what time it is. And there was once he broke the electric socket, tv, tore down the door of wardrobe and broke them into 2 piece. I was so scared and packed n left. When he calmed again the other day, he messages me again and I got back.. Am I sick?

***** on Wed, I was choked and hit against the wall. ****
I was urging him to come home as he totally relapsed... Drinking almost everynite for 2 weeks. He got back but continued drinking with flatmate. I was sooo angry and he came to explained and said I didn't put myself in his shoes. And claimed that he didnt do coke. He went to bed at 4am. I couldn't sleep and texted my frens with anger. He woke up at 4:30 masturbating! Wtf. It happened a few times after he snorted coke. I said u definitely had snorted coke. We argued. He suddenly jumped up at threw my stuffs out of my bag to get his house key back. Told me to pack and leave. It's 4:50am!!!

I felt insulted and slapped his face and threw a glass. He coked my neck and pushed me against the wall. The back of my head got hit and swollen. I sit down and cried. He took pic of me to humiliate me. I threw more glasses and I went emotionally broken down.

We both called police. His fren came out from room and said I was crazy, psycho. Etc..

This is common for user? Or Addict?

In my opinion there is no difference in a user and an addict.. Both are abusing a substance...but in reference to your question your BF sounds like a full blown addict in active addiction and a dangerous addict at that...

What really concerns me is this violence that you speak about.. Why are you still with this guy if he is laying his hands on you??? Addict or no addict, there is no excuse for violence.. Get out now before something tragic happens

Continuing to play those thoughts in your mind of whether he is a user or an addict is taking away the fact that he has been violent towards you and you've been hurt by his violence. It's easy to blame the violent on drugs and booze becasue I'm sure when he talked you into coming back he wasn't hitting, punching or throwing you into walls but the fact is cocaine and booze didn't throw you into a wall HE DID. Please get yourself out and someplace safe.

Hey Wing
It sounds like you are in a pretty volatile situation. The main priority here is making sure you are safe. Yes...he sounds like he is an addict. He also sounds like a threat to your physical well being. Do you have anywhere you could go to get out of this situation? Friends or family? Or, if not, would you consider getting to a women's shelter?

Please.....take care of yourself.

gentle hugs
ke

(when I re-read my post, I found out there are many typo mistake coz I'm typing with iPhone)

But on normal days, he's sweet and could think and calculate clearly... So, I was started to be convinced that he didn't do much.
Recent months, I thought that he did less until 2 weeks ago. He admitted that he relapsed and said sorry he fxxked up. He couldn't even remember how much lines he did.. It went down dramatically since then. Used up USD2,000 in 2 nites and had no idea how he spent it. I was calm and asked too much coke? He said no, that's why he wondered.

Then, he's drinking 5-6 nites a week. I let it be last week as he has an excuse that he's leaving the city in 2 weeks so there's lot of farewell drinks. He promised me that last Sat was last party... I asked it must involved lots of coke? He said he could imagine as everyone's happy.

But he continued this week, Monday he drink when he planned to pack his stuffs originally.
Tue, he got off work early but fell into sleep at 11:30pm. Surprisingly early for us.
Wed, he told me he'd get quick drink. I started to be upset and nagged and urge him to come home. This is how the abuse started.

I wonder is it just a relapse or he has never cut it down as he said?

And are all users sweet and function at work the other time too?
So, I should miss him because of these 'good time'?

Dear jerect and atalose,

I was so angry and first. And police told me that they could tell he's not good person and told me to change phone number. Asked why I stay with this fat chubby guy while I'm young and pretty.

Dear Kindeyes, I'm safe at family house now... No worries

But... when i am calm again... i started to blame myself that it was me slapping in his face and threwing glass first. So, He threw me to the wall. police said I can't sue him coz I threw things first. Then, I started to think that's my fault first... But... Anyway, he should choked me and hit me against wall. He's double my size.

I know that I have to stop the cycle and stop contact. Family and frens worried a lot after I told them about this.

I'm glad you are safe and with family and friends!! ((hugs))

Wing
Ok good....I'm glad you're safe. That's what is critical.

My son is an addict. He is smart, funny, loving, articulate, handsome.....he's lots of good things.......when he's not using. When he's active in his addiction, he blames everyone else for his problems, he's manipulative, quick to anger, deceptive, dark.

This is why, even though he's my son whom I love very much, I don't want to be around him when he is actively using.

Think of your bf right now as two separate people.......one is an active addict and the other is the guy you love. Right now.....they are a package deal......you don't get one without the other. Although I love my son, unless he's in recovery......not just giving me lip service to cutting down or quitting.......I don't want to be around the active addict part of him......therefore, I can't be around the guy I love.

Unless we can accept the package deal......we have some choices to make.

gentle hugs
ke

Oh dear wing!

When I lived with someone that "used" and "addict" it was very scary and very sick way to live. It got worse and worse. And people using do get worse and worse and they become what is called a addict in active addiction. When I was in that "hell on earth life" I thought it was all him and I was "ok". WRONG! I was not ok and needed help! I was and am codependant and have been affected by addiction. My thinking was "fogged"and I did not know how to live any other way than the way I was living. I knew I was sad and not happy and scared and obsessed with the man I loved that I had 2 kids with. I did not know how to change or how to help him or myself.

I went to alanon and found a way to change what I could and that was me! I found courage and strength to live a different way. A healthier way of life, it found tools to do that in meetings of the 12 step program called alanon! I got a understanding of the sickness of addiction and what it does to people who use drugs and alcohol regularly and how it affected me. I healed and made changes by learning how to think and live differently and found courage and strenthgh to do that.

I urge you to educate yourself about drug addiction and alcoholism and what it does to people we love and ourselfs. Most of all I encourage you and urge you to keep yourself in a safe, violent, drug free environment. Give yourself the opportunity to find peace and serenity and live a healither life, surround yourself with people that are living healthy lifes too.

There is so much you can learn about yourself going to a program like naranon and or alanon. It will and can change your life for the better. It wont happen over night, but slowly you will see and feel the miracle that can take place in you and your life.

Your bf has his own journey as do you. He may be a sweet kind person etc... when he is not in his using. But as I have seen and know the man I love gets buried by his choices to keep using and I see less and less of him. He becomes lost to his using/addiction. A different man appears, one that is selfish, angry, manipulative, uses people, lies, undependable, moody and the list goes on. That man is the man that is being controlled by his addiction and he is the one that I see most. It breaks my heart but I can't fix him or change him. I can pray for him and protect myself and our kids from the ulginess of addiction. I hope you can find a way to do the same. Until the addict chooses to stop using and chooses a recovery plan, things will get worse for them and anyone that is close to them.

Take care of you and let God take care of him. Focous on your life and how you want to live it. In constant chaos and violence, sadness, hurt, anger, frustration or in peace and serenity, happiness, safety? You have choices too! I will be praying for you and him!

Dear Kindeyes,

Thanks so much for your sharing. It must be really hard for u as that's your son. And as u said, its so hard to be around when they are actively using. My exbf easily get jealous for nothing and being irritating. If I argued, he got so mad and kicked me out; if I kept quiet and told myself that ration and explanation wouldn't work on him, I couldn't help crying quietly. But then, he also got mad and said I was childish. Nothing I do could be right.

Dear bunkie65,

Yes, really hard to live with active addict and I was staying at the house with 2 (my ex and his crazy addict flatmate). It made me very emotional and angry sometimes. And his flatmate kept telling everybody that I'm crazy and psycho bitch. I don't smoke, drink or do drug. I'm totally opposite to their circle.

It destroy me slowly. I started to believe that I have issue and I started to be convinced that my ex is just user, not addict. Compared to his fren.

(((((Wing)))))

He has been an addict since he first picked up the weed! It is a progression sometimes slow and sometimes quick getting worse. He has also been a user all this time. There really is not difference when it comes to drugs. In most cases 99% of those that use drugs become addicts. however with those just addicted to alcohol it is still about 10 to 11 percent become alcoholics. That does not apply however, to those that use alcohol when their other drugs are not available. Not confusing. To me, 'using' and 'addicted' are inner changeable.

You did not Cause this.

You cannot Control this,

You cannot Cure this.

It is all him, not you, except for your reactions, and YES their actions can make us totally crazy and make us doubt ourselves.

I am glad you are away from him and pray that you stay that way.

Stick with us here, find yourself some Alanon and/or Naranon meetings for YOU. They will help you work on you, and help you to find your own personal boundaries.

We are here for you and are walking with you in spirit. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry, and yes even laugh. We do understand, we have been there.

Love and hugs,

I understand this train of thought wondering if it's really an addiction or if it's just using drugs like 'normal' people...

My husband is not the addict (yet?) that uses every single day or disappears for days at a time because he's on a bender.

He goes for periods of time not using, then he uses again, then he stops, then he starts again.

This last month it was the worst event of using since we have been married (last summer). So I ran to Al Anon meetings and have been going ever since. It's really helped.

Currently my husband is not using. He is going to a couple of AA meetings each week. My mind has tried to start telling me that I made WAY TO BIG A DEAL out of this all in the last month.

That I blew it out of proportion and it wasn't that bad and maybe he's not an ADDICT but just someone who drinks and takes pills every now and then.

This is certainly how HE sees himself...

And I have found myself (in some way) wanting to believe that too.

But then I STOP.

It is not NORMAL what he is doing with drugs and alcohol in ANY WAY.

He IS an addict. He has had issues with drugs and alcohol since high school.

He has gotten a felony DUI several years ago. And that was not enough to stop him from picking up again. His cousins are alcoholics and have been in jail tons of times. It does not register with him that what he does is an addiction. He thinks it's just his bad choices.

Whatever he thinks it is...that's his business.

I see it for what it is...the disease of addiction.

Come to find out that my dear husband has done TONS of acid and mushrooms in his past. Smoked loads of pot. Taken TONS of pills over the years and gotten loaded on alcohol at the same time. He has done coke and heroin - thankfully never to the point of no return.

But even that I can not use as an excuse to tell myself he's not an addict just because he didn't keep doing coke and heroin. I can only thank God that for whatever reason he was able to stop using it.

He said the first time he did heroin he hated it. Made him feel bad - especially compared to acid and mushrooms and pot that he loved so much.

And yet HE DID HEROIN AGAIN! AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

When I was in college, I did acid once. I got in a car accident and totaled my mom's car. It was a bad scene. I never did acid again and convinced myself that if I did, it would kill me because my brain just couldn't handle it.

I'm not an addict. My husband is. He is sick and can't help himself. He has this propensity toward using that keeps coming back and back and back. It runs in his family. It is a disease.

I am busying myself with going to daily Al Anon meetings. Working with my sponsor. Reading the messages here on the board. Posting when I can. Focusing on me and my business.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I am becoming a stronger version of myself. And that my husband and his addiction are in God's hands.

Wing I am glad you are safe with your family.

There is no excuse for abuse, and you have been badly abused, dear girl. You are lucky he didn't kill you.

It doesn't matter that he is an addict or drunk or annoyed with something you said or did...there is NO excuse for abuse and you don't have to put up with it.

Please take time while with your family and put some space between you and him. When your head clears I think you will see that he is not "a nice guy" at all, he's an abusive addict.

My heart and prayers go out for you.

Hugs

( Dear Laurie )
( dear bunkie )

Yes it's progression. He started weed at 11 as his mother gave him.
Then, he became drug dealer in high school. ( I overheard his conversation with flatmate) talked about it like its golden time. Said he earned a lot and treated frens to dine at most expensive restaurant every weekend. Said that he had broke into booze shop and stole. On last school day, police came to get him. And said he true all kind of drugs... I was angry in the bedroom when I heard these.

Now.. Yes, been using such many years, not possible to be just recreational user...

( dear Ann )
Thanks so much. I'm alright today. Finally got out of my home. Had breakfast with fren. Now going to gym it was raining a bit at noon, now its sunny again. And summer is here now. I think it's good sign.

And another good thing is that he's moving to Canada on Tue. U are right, I'm lucky that this **** happened before I move to there with him. I have nobody there and no one could help if sth bad happens.

Wing,

That he is not allowed to hurt you is a complete sentence.

Call 911 if he does it again.Men who are very courageous
at slapping women around find their great courage absent
when 'society' shows up and takes official notice.
(wearing 9mm pistols).

He is not allowed to hurt you.Complete sentence.If comprehension
of this sentence becomes problematic,society will gladly,and even
eagerly......provide corrective instruction for the lad.Escalation on
his part would be (at BEST).......unwise.

Thanks Vale.
I'm ok and safe now :)

Im glad you are out of the situation. My boyfriend also used cocaine, but he has never become violent with me, or at anytime ever that Im aware of. You did the right thing by not going back there. His mind is all messed up from the drugs, and he is not able to control himself. I was talking with another member, and she was telling me about her experience with cocaine psychosis. It can happen sometimes with use, especially if mixed with other things. You should do a search on that, very scary.

Now, if you add on this fat, chubby thing he has going on, what is the attraction? LOL

Wing,

I do not have much to add, because other members have said it so well.
I just want to let you know that I read your story, and I am so glad you are out of that situation.
Wow, and so close to being far away from any support. That is what an abuser does, separate their significant other from all support.
Keep coming back and taking care of yourself. Going to the gym and breakfast with friends.

Beth