Supporting Recovery without Enabling - T. Horvath, Ph.D.
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Supporting Recovery without Enabling - T. Horvath, Ph.D.
I recently posted an article about Interventions, and there was mention about how through this process family will also learn how to not enable the addiction. I found this article helpful to me in differentiating enabling & support.
Supporting Recovery Without Enabling
By A. Thomas Horvath, Ph.D.
In Epidemics, Hippocrates said, “Make a habit of two things–to help, or at least to do no harm.” How can we apply that idea to helping family and friends with addictions?
When we care about individuals who are trying to overcome addictions, we often face dilemmas in how best to help them. For instance, if I help someone by providing money for some critical need, am I supporting recovery by preventing some degree of “disaster”? Or am I just shielding the person from negative consequences that might motivate lasting behavior change? The latter, of course, is AKA the E word: Enabling. This article will identify some things to consider when you face that kind of decision.
What is support? I suggest that support, at its root, consists of two things: paying attention and active helping. I could pay attention to a friend who wants to quit smoking by listening to her talk about her cravings to smoke and how she copes with these cravings. I could actively help her by informing her of new tobacco cessation products (if she was unfamiliar with them),or spend a non-smoking evening with her (when her other options were to be alone or be with smokers).
How does support differ from enabling? One aspect of support–paying attention– is unlikely to shield someone from negative consequences. I probably am not making matters worse by complimenting successes or joining in celebrating them. It’s unlikely to cause harm if I take time to brainstorm alternative activities, take time to listen about stresses, express confidence in future success, or just listen to the ups and downs of the process of change.
Because paying attention is unlikely to harm, I encourage significant others, even if they are ready to cut off other forms of helping, to continue paying attention: “Son, your mom and I are drawing a line. We have provided money for bail, for attorneys, for treatment, for rent, for food, on and on. We have decided to stop, because we honestly don’t think it is really helping. We help you out of a crisis, but as soon as you are out of it, you go back to using. We think you have major addiction problems, but it’s up to you to decide how to live. We think maybe you need to get yourself out of your crises, that maybe that’s what’s needed to persuade you to change. But we are not ending our relationship with you. We still want to see you and talk with you, every day if you want. We hope you will see that we still love you deeply, and we hope our love will help. But you are going to need to solve your own problems from now on.” Note that although this statement may contain elements of “preaching, complaining, criticizing, and nagging,” they are not prominent. The addiction is discussed directly, but not judgmentally.
If we distinguish between paying attention and active helping, it becomes possible to maintain some type of relationship with the addicted individual, to the extent that both parties will make time for it. It is not necessary for a family to tear itself apart over an addiction issue, although this often happens. It is important for the family to make an early distinction between paying attention and active helping, before painful feelings build up. Even though the addiction may continue for awhile, the presence of valued relationships may be the key element of a later cost-benefit analysis, when the addict decides that these relationships are actually more valuable than getting high. If the relationships are not present, the addict is another step closer to the suicidal types of addictive behavior that arise when there is “nothing left to lose.”
Paying attention is unlikely to cause harm, but active help could either support or enable. It depends completely on the specific situation and the actual intentions of the recovering person. Intentions are difficult to judge, so we need to assess behavior. If I knew for sure that my loved one was finally on the road to recovery, then I would do a lot to help make that journey smoother and to prevent old problems from affecting the present. For instance, I might pay off a drug debt to stop the dealer from “collecting,” and consider that payment a loan payable at some later date. The problem is that we don’t know until much later how firmly someone was on the road to recovery.
When you can help wholeheartedly, I suggest you do so. We are in relationships to give and receive. A friend in need is a friend indeed. There are two times to consider being wholehearted about giving: (1) early in an addictive problem, after the first crisis or two, before someone has established a history of twisting help into enabling, and (2) well into a recovery process, when it is clear that even without you the person is likely to continue to improve.
Aside from these two times, we typically need to be cautious about actively helping, but not about simply paying attention. I suggest a few simple guidelines. If you provide money, pay the bill or debt directly, not by providing cash (you might be amazed how often this suggestion is ignored!). Remember, it’s often easy to tell the difference between helping and enabling. Provide a little help, and observe the effect. If it goes well, consider another small helping step. Don’t help so much that it jeopardizes yourself, because your help may be of no use and then you will both be in bad shape (don’t spend money you don’t have). Take care of yourself (and watch out for your addictions). Someday the person you love may be ready to meet you halfway, and it would be good for you to be ready, too.
Supporting Recovery Without Enabling
By A. Thomas Horvath, Ph.D.
In Epidemics, Hippocrates said, “Make a habit of two things–to help, or at least to do no harm.” How can we apply that idea to helping family and friends with addictions?
When we care about individuals who are trying to overcome addictions, we often face dilemmas in how best to help them. For instance, if I help someone by providing money for some critical need, am I supporting recovery by preventing some degree of “disaster”? Or am I just shielding the person from negative consequences that might motivate lasting behavior change? The latter, of course, is AKA the E word: Enabling. This article will identify some things to consider when you face that kind of decision.
What is support? I suggest that support, at its root, consists of two things: paying attention and active helping. I could pay attention to a friend who wants to quit smoking by listening to her talk about her cravings to smoke and how she copes with these cravings. I could actively help her by informing her of new tobacco cessation products (if she was unfamiliar with them),or spend a non-smoking evening with her (when her other options were to be alone or be with smokers).
How does support differ from enabling? One aspect of support–paying attention– is unlikely to shield someone from negative consequences. I probably am not making matters worse by complimenting successes or joining in celebrating them. It’s unlikely to cause harm if I take time to brainstorm alternative activities, take time to listen about stresses, express confidence in future success, or just listen to the ups and downs of the process of change.
Because paying attention is unlikely to harm, I encourage significant others, even if they are ready to cut off other forms of helping, to continue paying attention: “Son, your mom and I are drawing a line. We have provided money for bail, for attorneys, for treatment, for rent, for food, on and on. We have decided to stop, because we honestly don’t think it is really helping. We help you out of a crisis, but as soon as you are out of it, you go back to using. We think you have major addiction problems, but it’s up to you to decide how to live. We think maybe you need to get yourself out of your crises, that maybe that’s what’s needed to persuade you to change. But we are not ending our relationship with you. We still want to see you and talk with you, every day if you want. We hope you will see that we still love you deeply, and we hope our love will help. But you are going to need to solve your own problems from now on.” Note that although this statement may contain elements of “preaching, complaining, criticizing, and nagging,” they are not prominent. The addiction is discussed directly, but not judgmentally.
If we distinguish between paying attention and active helping, it becomes possible to maintain some type of relationship with the addicted individual, to the extent that both parties will make time for it. It is not necessary for a family to tear itself apart over an addiction issue, although this often happens. It is important for the family to make an early distinction between paying attention and active helping, before painful feelings build up. Even though the addiction may continue for awhile, the presence of valued relationships may be the key element of a later cost-benefit analysis, when the addict decides that these relationships are actually more valuable than getting high. If the relationships are not present, the addict is another step closer to the suicidal types of addictive behavior that arise when there is “nothing left to lose.”
Paying attention is unlikely to cause harm, but active help could either support or enable. It depends completely on the specific situation and the actual intentions of the recovering person. Intentions are difficult to judge, so we need to assess behavior. If I knew for sure that my loved one was finally on the road to recovery, then I would do a lot to help make that journey smoother and to prevent old problems from affecting the present. For instance, I might pay off a drug debt to stop the dealer from “collecting,” and consider that payment a loan payable at some later date. The problem is that we don’t know until much later how firmly someone was on the road to recovery.
When you can help wholeheartedly, I suggest you do so. We are in relationships to give and receive. A friend in need is a friend indeed. There are two times to consider being wholehearted about giving: (1) early in an addictive problem, after the first crisis or two, before someone has established a history of twisting help into enabling, and (2) well into a recovery process, when it is clear that even without you the person is likely to continue to improve.
Aside from these two times, we typically need to be cautious about actively helping, but not about simply paying attention. I suggest a few simple guidelines. If you provide money, pay the bill or debt directly, not by providing cash (you might be amazed how often this suggestion is ignored!). Remember, it’s often easy to tell the difference between helping and enabling. Provide a little help, and observe the effect. If it goes well, consider another small helping step. Don’t help so much that it jeopardizes yourself, because your help may be of no use and then you will both be in bad shape (don’t spend money you don’t have). Take care of yourself (and watch out for your addictions). Someday the person you love may be ready to meet you halfway, and it would be good for you to be ready, too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
dasiy.... I say this with compassion... when are you going to make the decision to take the focus off of his addiction and turn it to yourself and what makes you happy... instead of dwelling on how to fix and help your BF? Wendy couldn't make Peter Pan leave Neverland until he was ready, just like tinkerbell couldn't make him love her the way she wanted him to. Wendy wasted every night of her life sitting by the window until he returned, and poor tinkerbell wasted away because all of her happy thoughts were Peter. Yes. He did return, but in his own time, and in his own way, without any help from anyone.
just my two cents take it or leave it. sometimes, well... most times... the help and support needs to come from a sponsor or counsellor or other third party... at least in my case... its none of my business. I have absolutely no clue how many days clean Boo is, what step he is on, or any of that... sounds crazy, but its none of my business. I know he is clean because recovery looks like recovery. That's all that matters.
that being said, I believe this article is very informative. Recovery really is a sink or swim kind of thing. I know its hard to believe, but they don't need anything at all from us. No money, no clothes, no nothing. If they want it they will do anything and everything to achieve it, and cut out anything and everything that stands in the way... true that we all crawl then walk then run, and fall and stumble all the way... but ... (sigh) idk what Im trying to say... if hey are capable of getting drugs all by themselves then they can get sober all by themselves....
hugs to you
keep doing you ok?
just my two cents take it or leave it. sometimes, well... most times... the help and support needs to come from a sponsor or counsellor or other third party... at least in my case... its none of my business. I have absolutely no clue how many days clean Boo is, what step he is on, or any of that... sounds crazy, but its none of my business. I know he is clean because recovery looks like recovery. That's all that matters.
that being said, I believe this article is very informative. Recovery really is a sink or swim kind of thing. I know its hard to believe, but they don't need anything at all from us. No money, no clothes, no nothing. If they want it they will do anything and everything to achieve it, and cut out anything and everything that stands in the way... true that we all crawl then walk then run, and fall and stumble all the way... but ... (sigh) idk what Im trying to say... if hey are capable of getting drugs all by themselves then they can get sober all by themselves....
hugs to you
keep doing you ok?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I think the article makes some good points. When my husband was in rehab, they encouraged family involvement. They taught me about enabling, and the difference between having a relationship based on healthy interdependence vs. unhealthy codependence. I think “support” in general is sort of the same. There is nothing wrong with providing support as long as it is healthy for both the one receiving it, and the one giving it. I think lots of people dealing with an addict, spent a long time offering help and support, but it was done in an unhealthy manner, with unhealthy expectations and feelings attached. I think for some, the obvious choice then becomes to withdraw all support and look inward, at least until they have their own emotions under control and can change their patterns of behavior. But not everyone has such a big problem with this. Not everyone takes "help" to such extremes, or forms a personal attachment to their actions. Some people just need to make small behavior modifications to get themselves in check. I think the article tries to point out that you have the choice to offer support to an addict, or recovering addict, and its not necessarily a bad thing if it is done in a healthy way.
My husband’s rehab was not so much into making an addict prove they were willing to walk through hot coals, or crawl through a swamp in order to find recovery. My husband didn’t chose to become addicted, but it did happen due to his poor choices. Some people think a person’s core being has to be broke down in order for recovery to happen, and sometimes it happens that way. But just as often I think people are triggered to stop by lesser motivations. Especially those people who are at an earlier stage of addiction, or who have less contributing factors behind their addiction. Just my opinion -based on my husband’s experience.
My husband’s rehab was not so much into making an addict prove they were willing to walk through hot coals, or crawl through a swamp in order to find recovery. My husband didn’t chose to become addicted, but it did happen due to his poor choices. Some people think a person’s core being has to be broke down in order for recovery to happen, and sometimes it happens that way. But just as often I think people are triggered to stop by lesser motivations. Especially those people who are at an earlier stage of addiction, or who have less contributing factors behind their addiction. Just my opinion -based on my husband’s experience.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Encouraging their recovery without enabling is very noble...but only when it doesn't take a personal toll on ourselves.
We can't love or encourage anyone into recovery unless they want it more than they want their drugs.
It's a hard balance to find, that place where we can encourage them and take care of ourselves at the same time.
Meetings helped me find that balance, working the steps helps me live it every day.
Hugs
We can't love or encourage anyone into recovery unless they want it more than they want their drugs.
It's a hard balance to find, that place where we can encourage them and take care of ourselves at the same time.
Meetings helped me find that balance, working the steps helps me live it every day.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thank you for sharing that article. It had some good points.
Some of us have dealt with addiction for years....not for a few months. Some of the addicts in our lives have gone to a place that most "average people" can't fathom. There are stages of addiction. And, lets face it, not everyone who has an addict in their lives is codependent.
I've read so many books on addiction that I can't even begin to count them. I've read all of the books that suggest various methods of lovingly supporting the addict without enabling them. I've employed many of those tactics through the years but the bottom line is......an addict isn't going to seek recovery until they are darn good and ready.....and not a moment sooner. Some are ready earlier in their addiction than others. It doesn't mean they are smarter or their loved ones did just the right thing. Addiction doesn't work like that. It's a matter of "when" that switch gets turned on in their brain......and for some......it never happens.
I do suggest that you keep reading. Read everything you can get your hands on. But the one thing that you will see in the long run is that nothing you do is going to flip that switch.
I have a lot of respect of allforcnm, she did, early in her husband's addiction (while she was pregnant no less) what most people do not do......she let him go. That probably did more to get him to the point of allowing that switch to flip than anything else. She let him go. And there's no doubt that it had to be very hard to go through childbirth without her husband. He is seeking recovery and they are both working on their own program of recovery in a way that works for them. But the one thing that is not emphasized enough in that story is how she had the tremendous courage to let him go. They have reconciled and she has been supportive of him as long as he is moving in a positive direction.
I also let my XAH go 30 years ago. I wasn't pregnant but I had an infant. It was hard to walk away from my marriage. He never sought recovery.....heck.....he didn't even think he had a problem.....and still doesn't. The world is the problem to him....everyone and everything is to blame for his miserable existence (he claims his existence is miserable...I haven't labeled it as such.....and he'll tell anyone who will listen how miserable he is and how life crapped on him). Here it is 30 years later and that switch hasn't flipped yet. He is still angry, bitter, and addicted. I thank God that I made the decision to leave that relationship. My life has been full (with beauty,challenges and lessons). I can't even imagine what it would have been had I stayed........
My son's addiction went to those horrible places that no one wants to know that their loved one went to......he is currently in recovery. We (my husband of 28 years who is also the man who raised him) are supportive but not enmeshed in his process of recovery. He is doing it on his own with the help of others.....he knows we love him and will be supportive of him as long as he is moving in a positive direction. I am working my own program of recovery in a manner that works for me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is keep reading but at some point.....I hope you will make a decision......to take care of you......first.
gentle hugs
ke
Some of us have dealt with addiction for years....not for a few months. Some of the addicts in our lives have gone to a place that most "average people" can't fathom. There are stages of addiction. And, lets face it, not everyone who has an addict in their lives is codependent.
I've read so many books on addiction that I can't even begin to count them. I've read all of the books that suggest various methods of lovingly supporting the addict without enabling them. I've employed many of those tactics through the years but the bottom line is......an addict isn't going to seek recovery until they are darn good and ready.....and not a moment sooner. Some are ready earlier in their addiction than others. It doesn't mean they are smarter or their loved ones did just the right thing. Addiction doesn't work like that. It's a matter of "when" that switch gets turned on in their brain......and for some......it never happens.
I do suggest that you keep reading. Read everything you can get your hands on. But the one thing that you will see in the long run is that nothing you do is going to flip that switch.
I have a lot of respect of allforcnm, she did, early in her husband's addiction (while she was pregnant no less) what most people do not do......she let him go. That probably did more to get him to the point of allowing that switch to flip than anything else. She let him go. And there's no doubt that it had to be very hard to go through childbirth without her husband. He is seeking recovery and they are both working on their own program of recovery in a way that works for them. But the one thing that is not emphasized enough in that story is how she had the tremendous courage to let him go. They have reconciled and she has been supportive of him as long as he is moving in a positive direction.
I also let my XAH go 30 years ago. I wasn't pregnant but I had an infant. It was hard to walk away from my marriage. He never sought recovery.....heck.....he didn't even think he had a problem.....and still doesn't. The world is the problem to him....everyone and everything is to blame for his miserable existence (he claims his existence is miserable...I haven't labeled it as such.....and he'll tell anyone who will listen how miserable he is and how life crapped on him). Here it is 30 years later and that switch hasn't flipped yet. He is still angry, bitter, and addicted. I thank God that I made the decision to leave that relationship. My life has been full (with beauty,challenges and lessons). I can't even imagine what it would have been had I stayed........
My son's addiction went to those horrible places that no one wants to know that their loved one went to......he is currently in recovery. We (my husband of 28 years who is also the man who raised him) are supportive but not enmeshed in his process of recovery. He is doing it on his own with the help of others.....he knows we love him and will be supportive of him as long as he is moving in a positive direction. I am working my own program of recovery in a manner that works for me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is keep reading but at some point.....I hope you will make a decision......to take care of you......first.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
My husband and I have tried to remain as a support system for our son, even when he was actively using. We have also intervened to get him medical help in the very beginning. His use of drugs started during the grieving process over the loss of his young child. He was depressed, drinking, using cocaine. He was suicidal at one point. Not a case of faking it, was very real and we almost lost him. In our case, I am grateful we had a strong connection with him at that time because he was so utterly sick that he agreed to get inpatient help when we insisted it was what he needed. It wasn't exactly a drug rehab, it was more of medically assisted retreat where he was given much needed counseling for the accumulation of issues he faced.
Then last summer he started using again, drinking too much, partying too much. His drug is cocaine. Cocaine and alcohol can be a deadly combination. our son suffered psychosis from the drug which the doctors think led to the most severe problems in the beginning. We think our son is clean now, and he is in counseling. Our relationship through all of this has remained mostly consistent. He is not dependent upon us in any way, has his own home, etc. But we are always available to him, and our door is always open as long as he is respectful to us, and our home.
I believe healthy support can have an impact in many positive ways. But it is a much more subtle approach. I also think you have to do it within your own boundaries and limits, otherwise you are not being true to yourself and it becomes a quest to save the other person. I think healthy support is more about showing respect, offering options that can assist the person in turning their life around if they want it. I think that is the key to much of it, seeing willingness in the other person, and just nurturing this to help it flourish.
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I'm sure your boyfriend is a good person. But please be careful if you are going to stay with him during this time when his non-drug use is so new. Cocaine has a very strong emotional pull. It alters the dopamine in the brain, it's not something that is fixed in a few weeks. I don't mean to lecture, but cocaine is a devastating drug. People can use it for years and it goes undetected because it is controlled. There can be periods of extreme use, and then back to the normal cycle. Psychosis can happen with no warning and a person can become completely disassociated with reality. A danger to themselves and others. It can also be very hard to tell when someone is using and concealing it.
His current girlfriend informed me a while back she thought he had used, was using again. She then said she wasnt sure. In the beginning of their relationship, he was still seeing many different women. Still using, drinking, partying. One of those girls ended up stealing his credit cards, charging tens of thousands of dollars, cutting him with broken glass. She was just sentenced to jail, which will be followed by a long probation. Her life won't ever be the same. His current girlfriend doesn’t have any clue to the extent he was involved with other women while with her and using. So please for your own safety: trust your instincts if you have any suspicions, and take care of yourself.
Then last summer he started using again, drinking too much, partying too much. His drug is cocaine. Cocaine and alcohol can be a deadly combination. our son suffered psychosis from the drug which the doctors think led to the most severe problems in the beginning. We think our son is clean now, and he is in counseling. Our relationship through all of this has remained mostly consistent. He is not dependent upon us in any way, has his own home, etc. But we are always available to him, and our door is always open as long as he is respectful to us, and our home.
I believe healthy support can have an impact in many positive ways. But it is a much more subtle approach. I also think you have to do it within your own boundaries and limits, otherwise you are not being true to yourself and it becomes a quest to save the other person. I think healthy support is more about showing respect, offering options that can assist the person in turning their life around if they want it. I think that is the key to much of it, seeing willingness in the other person, and just nurturing this to help it flourish.
-----
I'm sure your boyfriend is a good person. But please be careful if you are going to stay with him during this time when his non-drug use is so new. Cocaine has a very strong emotional pull. It alters the dopamine in the brain, it's not something that is fixed in a few weeks. I don't mean to lecture, but cocaine is a devastating drug. People can use it for years and it goes undetected because it is controlled. There can be periods of extreme use, and then back to the normal cycle. Psychosis can happen with no warning and a person can become completely disassociated with reality. A danger to themselves and others. It can also be very hard to tell when someone is using and concealing it.
His current girlfriend informed me a while back she thought he had used, was using again. She then said she wasnt sure. In the beginning of their relationship, he was still seeing many different women. Still using, drinking, partying. One of those girls ended up stealing his credit cards, charging tens of thousands of dollars, cutting him with broken glass. She was just sentenced to jail, which will be followed by a long probation. Her life won't ever be the same. His current girlfriend doesn’t have any clue to the extent he was involved with other women while with her and using. So please for your own safety: trust your instincts if you have any suspicions, and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Ann 
It's a hard balance to find, that place where we can encourage them and take care of ourselves at the same time.
Thanks for sharing, dasiydoc. The article offers lots to ponder, along with the thoughtful posts of others.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
I have a lot of respect of allforcnm, she did, early in her husband's addiction (while she was pregnant no less) what most people do not do......she let him go. That probably did more to get him to the point of allowing that switch to flip than anything else. She let him go. And there's no doubt that it had to be very hard to go through childbirth without her husband. He is seeking recovery and they are both working on their own program of recovery in a way that works for them. But the one thing that is not emphasized enough in that story is how she had the tremendous courage to let him go. They have reconciled and she has been supportive of him as long as he is moving in a positive direction.
I didn’t realize why his behavior was changing at first. I thought it was stress from work, I knew he still had pain, he was unhappy with therapy. But then he started working late and telling me they had a special project going on. It was partially true, but then as his hours got later and later, he admitted to hanging out with the guys from work when they were done. It got worse, it was 3-4 times a week, and I could tell at this point when he came home that he wasn’t right. He finally admitted to me what was going on. We argued, and then I realized how much money he was wasting. He promised at first to stop, still had to work late for a while but he would come right home. That lasted a couple days. That was when I started telling him if he wanted to live like that then he just needed to go and live that way, because it wasn’t my idea of a marriage. I didn’t want to fight, I didn’t want to be home alone and growing distant while he did drugs with a bunch of guys from the office. It was his bad behavior that prompted me to ask him to leave. What he was doing seemed absurd to me. Then after a couple weeks and another fight he agreed he did not want to stop, and he would leave and go do what he wanted because he didn’t want to fight anymore either. I told him when he was done he could come home and we would see where we stood. And that is pretty much what he did, but it was over a year later.
And in that year a lot happened. I found out I was expecting our baby a couple months after he left. I had not been talking to him much up until this point. I decided to let him know -thinking we could work it out, but he didn’t even believe me. He thought I was lying and trying to find a way to control him. Then I just got angry. He cut everyone out of his life including his parents and brother by this time also. There was only one mutual friend who talked to him on occasion. I had my own career, I had my parents, I had friends, and in my heart I still felt like he would come to his senses before long, and we would work it all out. So I just left him alone and tried to live my life and plan for our baby. I made mistakes, a lot of them. I never talked to him again about the baby. He didn’t even know he was a father until he finally made the choice to stop and came home to ask for help. He missed so much including the birth of his child.
My choice to let him go do his thing was purely self centered based on not wanting to tolerate his unacceptable behavior.
I actually knew based on his personality that when he was given freedom and had his income; he would go wild with his new friends and drugs. And that is what happened. Pain pills became mixed with Xanax, and then cocaine. Pain pills are not much of a sexual stimulant, but when he got on the cocaine he found himself a girlfriend who also used and had an affair. He kept working while all this was going on, and to give him credit he always had money in our joint account, and he knew I took out his share of our home expenses every month. That is how we had worked it when we were living together. We each had a portion we were responsible for.
The drugs all accumulated and I am positive based on what his doctors told me that all the chemicals in his brain were off. He no longer had the same mental reasoning, or capabilities. He finally decided he no longer wanted to live that way and when the lease was up on his townhouse he decided to not renew it. He stayed with a drug friend for a while, then went to his parents for help and they turned him away, then to my parents to ask if he could stay there to detox before seeing me. So they took him in without telling me, and he tried to detox. Failed. Tried again. failed. Tried again and got very sick. Had seizures and the whole bit. But that was the start of his recovery.
I think our views are often shaped by our experiences. In my case, I really did nothing to try to help him, encourage him to stop using. I felt like he was a competent adult, and I was really uninformed over the effect drugs have on the brain chemistry. Now I cannot help but wonder what if… what if I had worked with his family to seek help in the form of a professional intervention. What if I hadn’t been so stubborn and I tried again to tell him about the baby coming (at a time when he could clearly see it to be true). What if I had learned more about addiction sooner, and been able to take the things I was taught by the doctors and therapist at the rehab and applied them to our situation when he was actively using? Would it have made a difference?
Not to make him stop or control his mind, but to get him into treatment where he could get off the drugs and have a chance to think and see clearly what was happening to him. Then he would at least have a much greater chance of wanting to accept help, ending his use and reclaiming his life. I will never know all the answers to the what ifs. But I do know I learned a lot from his rehab, and my therapist in particular (they assigned me my own therapist) and much of what I learned I have applied and had good results in communicating and resolving issues with my husband since he has been in early recovery. I hope what I have learned will also serve me well if he should relapse in the future.
My first priority now is our son, but the top priority for my son is having healthy parents who can provide him with a loving and stable home. I love my husband, and through lots of hard work with therapist, and marriage counselors we have resolved most of the past issues. Next month will mark One Year since he came home and asked for help.
Sorry to hijack your thread Daisy… but thank you for this topic, and for letting me relive a bit of my past on here. A lot of the memories are still painful, sharing them helps. I wish sometimes I could wipe away all the bad memories, but I know that will never happen. My prayer is really only that no new ones will be added on.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
I don't have anything to add, I just wanted to say that I love reading all of your ladies post. Your experiences, ideas, and views are amazing to read. They help me understand what my family, friends, and loved ones must think and go through. I just wanted to say thanks for helping me as much as you all have.
Sorry if this was not the thread to say it, but I really felt I should.
GuideMe
Sorry if this was not the thread to say it, but I really felt I should.
GuideMe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Thank you all for sharing your views. Especially thank you Allfor for telling what happened with your husband. I know you were married and the situation was different, but I was with my boyfriend a whole year while he was using cocaine. Ive tried to explain on here that the reason I stayed with him was because he never turned on me with bad behavior, and I had a hard time telling when he even used. The signs were so tiny. And he never used in front of me like sitting there on the couch. He also never went out like your husband and partied with his drug friends. He used alone at home usually when I wasnt there. When I first came to this forum I felt like people were telling me, and something like, and you didnt do anything to help him. I really think they meant I should have left and that would have hurt him, and maybe he would have quit using, or it might begin a series of negative consequences that would cause it.
But, instead while we were still together, he came to me one day and said he had a problem and he needed help, and then he found help. He is now working on himself. I am not trying to keep track of all his actions Lily. I dont know how many days clean he has. I think it is close to a month. I dont focus on that. But stopping has been hard for him. He has been depressed, anxious, cant sleep. He gets tired, and grumpy, and feels bad about himself sometimes. Im not letting the rest of my life slide, but I do want to understand more, and I do want to learn healthy ways to offer him encouragement and support.
I wrote this on another post, and I will repeat it here. I dont buy into the concept that people dont influence, and have effect on other people. It happens all the time. Its not a matter of your words or actions being the lifeline, or the thing that sends them over the edge. I think most people form thoughts and views based on bunches of stuff. Insight or comments from someone they love does fit in there. I saw it with my boyfriend after he started treatment and wanted to tell his parents. They clearly do have an emotional impact on him. I dont even think they know it. They probably think he cares very little about their opinions. But when Im alone with him I know he takes in what they say, and he mixes it with all the other things already in his head.
Like Liley, the other day you were talking about how you recently decided to study and take a test to further your education. (which is so great) and i read something you wrote to another person here thanking them for sharing their posts here about their own educational goals. You said it made you think about your own goals, and it was a source of encouragement. That is great. But obviously the will to study and take the test - that was all from inside you! Same type of thing in my mind.
So I think like the article says, you can support in healthy ways even by simply listening, and responding in an honest way. Hope and reassurance, but only if its true. And that is where I am at right now. I want to learn how to communicate in a healthy way, where I am being true to myself, and also continuing to support him and let our relationship grow hopefully while he is trying to get clean.
I hope some of that made sense. I have worked for like 16 hours and Im sleepy. hungry, and need a hot bath. will stop before its TMI for you all.
Guideme: thank you for sharing too. I read on other forums and follow the recovery of several people, and I find it gives good insight. Im glad the family forum helps you in the same way. I think we do need to have empathy for the other side of addiction.
But, instead while we were still together, he came to me one day and said he had a problem and he needed help, and then he found help. He is now working on himself. I am not trying to keep track of all his actions Lily. I dont know how many days clean he has. I think it is close to a month. I dont focus on that. But stopping has been hard for him. He has been depressed, anxious, cant sleep. He gets tired, and grumpy, and feels bad about himself sometimes. Im not letting the rest of my life slide, but I do want to understand more, and I do want to learn healthy ways to offer him encouragement and support.
I wrote this on another post, and I will repeat it here. I dont buy into the concept that people dont influence, and have effect on other people. It happens all the time. Its not a matter of your words or actions being the lifeline, or the thing that sends them over the edge. I think most people form thoughts and views based on bunches of stuff. Insight or comments from someone they love does fit in there. I saw it with my boyfriend after he started treatment and wanted to tell his parents. They clearly do have an emotional impact on him. I dont even think they know it. They probably think he cares very little about their opinions. But when Im alone with him I know he takes in what they say, and he mixes it with all the other things already in his head.
Like Liley, the other day you were talking about how you recently decided to study and take a test to further your education. (which is so great) and i read something you wrote to another person here thanking them for sharing their posts here about their own educational goals. You said it made you think about your own goals, and it was a source of encouragement. That is great. But obviously the will to study and take the test - that was all from inside you! Same type of thing in my mind.
So I think like the article says, you can support in healthy ways even by simply listening, and responding in an honest way. Hope and reassurance, but only if its true. And that is where I am at right now. I want to learn how to communicate in a healthy way, where I am being true to myself, and also continuing to support him and let our relationship grow hopefully while he is trying to get clean.
I hope some of that made sense. I have worked for like 16 hours and Im sleepy. hungry, and need a hot bath. will stop before its TMI for you all.
Guideme: thank you for sharing too. I read on other forums and follow the recovery of several people, and I find it gives good insight. Im glad the family forum helps you in the same way. I think we do need to have empathy for the other side of addiction.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
The decision was already made about my education, and the test would have been taken regardless. I was merely publicly thanking zoso. I was just trying to say... what are your feelings? All I read are his feelings, what are your goals? Education and recovery are two very different things.
Using looks like using. If you cannot tell if he has used then you have never seen him in recovery. Ambien is not a good sign, and neither is sleepwalking for lack of a better word.
Using looks like using. If you cannot tell if he has used then you have never seen him in recovery. Ambien is not a good sign, and neither is sleepwalking for lack of a better word.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
After reading this thread, I am left wondering if I did everything wrong when it came to my husband's addiction, or maybe he just didn't love me/us all enough???
I was always told addiction defies logic, perhaps my understanding of addiction has been convoluted.
I really wish I could of loved my husband enough to save him but sadly I apparently failed at that as well!
I was always told addiction defies logic, perhaps my understanding of addiction has been convoluted.
I really wish I could of loved my husband enough to save him but sadly I apparently failed at that as well!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
Tom Horvath, who wrote that article, is president of SMART Recovery, which is a secular addiction recovery program based on rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), not the 12 Steps. Tom did a webinar on Embracing Reality last week that I'm sure will be available at some point on the SMART Recovery blog: Webinar: “Embracing Reality” | SMART Recovery®
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
Ive been lurking here for some time, and Ive learned a lot from reading all of the heartfelt posts. I have been thinking a lot about the effect drugs have had on my sons mind. He went from graduating high school with honors, athletic accomplishments, and acceptance to the college of his choice, impressive grades. After two years of heroin use the son I love is very hard to find in the shell that remains. He lost weight, had pneumonia twice, dropped out of college to avoid failing, lied, stolen from his family, couch surfed for months. We yelled, screamed, made threats, enforced boundaries, lectured, pleaded, cried. Most of it was not healthy for us, or for him. Looking back we realized we were the cause of most of our own pain, not him. His disease progressed through all of it, and at the same time his personality was gone, the light in his eyes, it was if his soul was replaced with a black hole. It only got worse as his drug use progressed.
Our son is in his second month of rehab now. His path was affected by his grandfather. My husbands father had been patiently using his influence on his grandson to talk him into accepting rehab. We watched and all the while yelled about how he was enabling him. Instead he was methodical, and found a way to reach our son. I am grateful he has this chance. We should have done our best to force him into treatment as soon as we knew. We should have stopped yelling, and started thinking without all the emotion bubbling up. Heroin use damages the brain and the body. The more he took the more the damage became obvious. If only we had understood what we were seeing. We viewed it as defiance, personality, bad character, rebellion. None of those things had anything to do with the actual changes that were happening in the pathways of our sons brain every time he put heroin into his veins. I see it now in my mind traveling right to his brain. I don’t know how his life will turn out now. He has been improving each time we see him, but only time will tell. I no longer understand why addiction is not treated like other debilitating illnesses, especially among family.
If a person has cancer, is that about you?
If a person has cancer, can they make it go away because you love them? Because you yell at them? Curse them out? Reminded them of their failures? Cry and plead? Shut the door in their face?
I know some people do not like the cancer comparison, but if our son got cancer from smoking, sunbathing, or a genetic factor, it is obvious what he would need is proper medical care. If he was in denial of his illness because of severe depression, or other mental disabilities, we would not simply give it up to Gods will and walk away, and focus on ourselves. Wish him to find his bottom. In cancer it is clear, prevention and early detection provide the best outcomes. The bottom in cancer represents stage III or Stage IV. We would not yell, threaten, and feed his depression. We would have compassion, and we would use as much influence as we could to get him into the hands of professionals. Once we knew he was getting the best medical care, then we would know we had done everything within our human power to help him. We would have done all God expected of us. The outcome would rest in Gods hands. My comments may be a little off your topic, but usually when I read here there is no mention of what drugs do to a persons mind.
Our son is in his second month of rehab now. His path was affected by his grandfather. My husbands father had been patiently using his influence on his grandson to talk him into accepting rehab. We watched and all the while yelled about how he was enabling him. Instead he was methodical, and found a way to reach our son. I am grateful he has this chance. We should have done our best to force him into treatment as soon as we knew. We should have stopped yelling, and started thinking without all the emotion bubbling up. Heroin use damages the brain and the body. The more he took the more the damage became obvious. If only we had understood what we were seeing. We viewed it as defiance, personality, bad character, rebellion. None of those things had anything to do with the actual changes that were happening in the pathways of our sons brain every time he put heroin into his veins. I see it now in my mind traveling right to his brain. I don’t know how his life will turn out now. He has been improving each time we see him, but only time will tell. I no longer understand why addiction is not treated like other debilitating illnesses, especially among family.
If a person has cancer, is that about you?
If a person has cancer, can they make it go away because you love them? Because you yell at them? Curse them out? Reminded them of their failures? Cry and plead? Shut the door in their face?
I know some people do not like the cancer comparison, but if our son got cancer from smoking, sunbathing, or a genetic factor, it is obvious what he would need is proper medical care. If he was in denial of his illness because of severe depression, or other mental disabilities, we would not simply give it up to Gods will and walk away, and focus on ourselves. Wish him to find his bottom. In cancer it is clear, prevention and early detection provide the best outcomes. The bottom in cancer represents stage III or Stage IV. We would not yell, threaten, and feed his depression. We would have compassion, and we would use as much influence as we could to get him into the hands of professionals. Once we knew he was getting the best medical care, then we would know we had done everything within our human power to help him. We would have done all God expected of us. The outcome would rest in Gods hands. My comments may be a little off your topic, but usually when I read here there is no mention of what drugs do to a persons mind.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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My comments may be a little off your topic, but usually when I read here there is no mention of what drugs do to a persons mind.
I agree. Yelling, screaming, shaming, threatening, reasoning.....are tactics that usually don't work.....and often make things worse. I'm surprised though that you haven't read mention of how drugs affect the addicts mind, as it is discussed on SR frequently, but usually in terms of how it changes the addict from the person we once knew.....to someone we don't recognize. My son sounds very much like yours. He had the world by the tail so to speak.....athletic, smart, educated, handsome, strong, loving, etc. Drugs changed his brain.....and took his life down a path I couldn't fathom.
I don't condemn those who have used all of the perceived negative tactics to influence their loved one. We all do what we believe to be best at the time and when we know better, we do better. I believe that saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and not saying it mean has a lot of merit. I suspect your son's grandfather, in the wisdom that comes with age, understood this concept clearly. I also believe that there is a switch of sorts in an addicts mind (in all of our minds really) that flips when they become truly ready to seek recovery from addiction.
My son is also in a treatment program (long term) that he went into of his own accord. Prior to that we had helped him by funding two IOPs and two inpatient programs. This is the first time he is doing it all on his own.......he is now four months clean. He recently told me that his mind is clearing......and I had the opportunity to see a glimpse of the person I love.....not the altered personality of the addict.
I'm so glad to hear that your son is in treatment and I hope he continues on that healthier path. I hope your whole family is able to heal from your son's addiction. It takes a toll on everyone who loves them.
Going back to the basis of this thread, as far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter what method an addict uses to get sober, NA, AVRT, SMART......who cares. It's what works for that individual that really counts. It's whichever program a person can embrace and restructure their life with that really counts. I have never read anything in any 12 step literature that aims at debunking other methods of recovery....that is usually done by individuals involved in the groups (unfortunately). I talk about 12 step recovery because its what I've used, it's what I know, and it works for me.... NOT because of some belief that there are not other viable alternatives. Unfortunately, some of the alternative methods of recovery employ negative hyperbole about NA or AA in their literature and on their websites. I truly believe that there is not a one-size-fits-all method of recovery. I wish that the alternative methods would present as alternatives on their own strengths and merits though, rather than bashing a program of recovery that others use successfully. It's the age old divisive thinking approach that takes away from any viable alternative.
Personally, I'm glad that there are other alternatives to a 12 step approach......I can understand how a 12 step process could be very difficult for an atheist to embrace and if a person can't embrace it, it isn't going to work. And as a mother who loves her son dearly, I will encourage and support ANY program of recovery my son chooses.....I just can't support him in active addiction. It is too expensive in terms of my own health and welfare.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Welcome to SR......I'm glad you posted and shared your thoughts and observations. I agree with many of the things you said. The process of watching our sons or daughters tumble deeper into addiction is a very difficult thing to witness. Each situation is very different while being very similar at the same time.....and it often causes the family as much anguish as it causes the addict.
ke
ke
None of my comments here are related to any specific recovery method. I thought this topic was about enabling, and offering healthy support.
Enabling and rock bottom are common terms even from the tv doctors. Medical doctors have proven you can look at MRI scans and see changes in the brain. I dont think this fact is part of any one recovery method, and I didn't know it was excluded from any. Our family does not prescribe to a specific method, but we would not rely on any method that did not offer individual flexibility.
My post was about addiction being similar to other progressive diseases. I think it was clear with my comparison to cancer. But, addicts are viewed differently by many. It becomes more about their poor character, and lack of willpower, and less about the fact they are inflicted with an illness that affects their brain, and by it's nature keeps them in the cycle of addiction. My point would be agreeing with the article, sometimes people do need help. Their mind is not clear, and a little bit of constructive support can make a difference in their obtaining proper care to halt progression.
As far as your son needing rehab many times. addiction as a disease like cancer supports the idea of multiple treatments being necessary. Cancer patients often undergo surgery, radiation, multiple chemo, stem cell transplants, counseling, nutritional care. If one doesn't work, they are not looked down upon, or told they didn't try hard enough. Wouldn't this be true of an addict? The similarities have become very clear in my mind. We hope for the best with our son during this rehab, but we realize he may need more follow up. It helps us to accept this as part of the process.
Cancer patients also often have caregivers, While they walk a fine line also with self care, they are usually not criticized, told to walk away, or made to believe they took on the role only because they themselves are sick. Their road is often just as painful as the loved ones an addict family faces. Caregivers often know exactly how it will end regardless of their efforts. Again, I see clearly the similarities, and the differences in how caregivers are viewed.
And no since I've been reading here, the only comments I've seen are things like, but cancer patients didn't chose to get cancer and addicts choose to use drugs, and addicts can stop if they want to anytime, and family of cancer patients are treated with respect, but we are not and our situation is different. In my mind, none of these are necessarily true.
I dont want to take this post off its original topic, my thoughts I felt applied to enabling and support, but I went into too much detail. When I am ready I will start my own thread sharing about our family situation. Support would be gladly welcomed.
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I dont want to take this post off its original topic, my thoughts I felt applied to enabling and support, but I went into too much detail. When I am ready I will start my own thread sharing about our family situation. Support would be gladly welcomed.
Thank you very much for sharing and I will wait for you to start your own thread.
support will definitely be given.
Beth
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Actually, I do compare addiction to cancer quite frequently so you're preaching to the choir here. lol However, as with any disease, addiction has it's own manifestations and cannot be equated with cancer other than stating that it is a disease (the ol' apple and orange thing). There is no set protocol for dealing with addiction that has a 90 percent or 60 percent or 30 percent recovery rate. Perhaps someday this will change......who knows.....there is tremendous amounts of research and we can all be hopeful. I agree with you that addicts do not specifically choose to become addicts (although choosing to use initially prior to addiction setting in is a choice--much like choosing to smoke cigarettes is a choice that can lead to cancer). Addicts do have the choice to seek treatment or not.....just as a cancer patient would have the choice to pursue treatment...or not. It isn't often that you run across cancer patients (early stage) who refuse treatment of some kind....not the case with addiction.....they often resist treatment with every fiber of their being. It is part of the manifestation of the disease.
My point in bringing up my son's prior treatment had nothing to do with him not "trying hard enough" or any critical observation on my side. I accept fully that it often takes more than one run at recovery and I'm certainly thankful that my son is doing it in a manner that relies on his own resources as our support (financially) had been pretty tapped out at this point and he is not insured. I'm glad to hear that you also accept that your son may or may not be successful in recovery in his first go-round and I'm glad that you (as we have been) are supportive of your son's efforts toward recovering from a pretty dreadfully debilitating disease.
You seemed to take my post quite personally and it was not intended that way at all. I was simply sharing some of my story and agreeing with your comments. lol. I had diverted from the OP to welcome you, share a small bit of our story, and express my hopes for your son (I was the one who diverted from the original topic....not you. lol)
The last two paragraphs of my post has nothing to do with you or your post but was simply me stating my thoughts on the various approaches to addiction treatment......in response to a few of the posts prior to yours. My point was obviously missed and/or misinterpreted. No worries.......I just wanted to let you know that I was not directing anything at you other than the comments above those two last paragraphs to welcome you to SR as a first time poster.
I'll have to read a little further in the forums to figure out where you might have seen these types of statements. I've been on SR for a while now and I don't think I have ever seen a statement that addicts choose to become addicted (from anyone who has any understanding of addiction)--quite the contrary. I have seen people pose the question asking for feedback to understand the disease model in an effort to educate themselves and gain a better understanding. I don't think I've ever seen a post that stated that addicts can stop anytime they like......and if there was, I probably skipped over it because it's ludicrous. I do believe that in order to recover, the addict does need to be highly motivated.
Again, I am so very happy that your son is seeking treatment. I hope that he continues to work toward a healthier life. Heroin is a tough one to kick and it sounds like he has wonderful support from his family. That's great! I have many friends who are addicts in recovery (with long term recovery at that) whose DOC was heroin. So although a tough one, it is certainly not hopeless!
I hope you stick around. Read more. And keep an open mind. This forum is full of people who are in all phases of dealing with an addicted loved one. One person's concern and love for their addicted loved one is not greater or lesser than anothers. There are many parents here on SR who can relate to much of what you have experienced.....and many of them have been dealing with addiction for many years. Some of them have lost their beloved children to overdose........a forum like this runs the full spectrum of experiences and most of us can only speak based upon our own experience, strength and hope.
Again, welcome to SR.....there's a lot of great information here and a tremendous amount of cummulative experience. I'll look forward to reading more of your posts in the future.
gentle hugs
ke
My point in bringing up my son's prior treatment had nothing to do with him not "trying hard enough" or any critical observation on my side. I accept fully that it often takes more than one run at recovery and I'm certainly thankful that my son is doing it in a manner that relies on his own resources as our support (financially) had been pretty tapped out at this point and he is not insured. I'm glad to hear that you also accept that your son may or may not be successful in recovery in his first go-round and I'm glad that you (as we have been) are supportive of your son's efforts toward recovering from a pretty dreadfully debilitating disease.
You seemed to take my post quite personally and it was not intended that way at all. I was simply sharing some of my story and agreeing with your comments. lol. I had diverted from the OP to welcome you, share a small bit of our story, and express my hopes for your son (I was the one who diverted from the original topic....not you. lol)
The last two paragraphs of my post has nothing to do with you or your post but was simply me stating my thoughts on the various approaches to addiction treatment......in response to a few of the posts prior to yours. My point was obviously missed and/or misinterpreted. No worries.......I just wanted to let you know that I was not directing anything at you other than the comments above those two last paragraphs to welcome you to SR as a first time poster.
And no since I've been reading here, the only comments I've seen are things like, but cancer patients didn't chose to get cancer and addicts choose to use drugs, and addicts can stop if they want to anytime, and family of cancer patients are treated with respect, but we are not and our situation is different.
Again, I am so very happy that your son is seeking treatment. I hope that he continues to work toward a healthier life. Heroin is a tough one to kick and it sounds like he has wonderful support from his family. That's great! I have many friends who are addicts in recovery (with long term recovery at that) whose DOC was heroin. So although a tough one, it is certainly not hopeless!
I hope you stick around. Read more. And keep an open mind. This forum is full of people who are in all phases of dealing with an addicted loved one. One person's concern and love for their addicted loved one is not greater or lesser than anothers. There are many parents here on SR who can relate to much of what you have experienced.....and many of them have been dealing with addiction for many years. Some of them have lost their beloved children to overdose........a forum like this runs the full spectrum of experiences and most of us can only speak based upon our own experience, strength and hope.
Again, welcome to SR.....there's a lot of great information here and a tremendous amount of cummulative experience. I'll look forward to reading more of your posts in the future.
gentle hugs
ke
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