hopenlove15

Hello! I'm new to this site and forum. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because I have found out that he has a cocaine addiction. I had been hearing from people that he was selling cocaine so I confronted him numerous times about it and each time he has denied it. I've actually caught him with coke before, but he has lied to me and has had his friend say that it was his. I was totally blind sided by this because he was so good at hiding it and lying to me. The last few months of our relationship have been bad and he has been so sketchy and shady. He's been hanging out with the wrong people and every time he's with those people he ignores my calls, my texts and finds a way to make up an excuses. Right now he's burning his bridges with all the people that he loves and isn't talking to his family. He's moved in with one of his friends. I don't think he sees the severity of this because he still remains to have a good job and be able to do normal things. I guess he is what you would call a functioning addict. I've walked this road of addiction with him before as he had a pill addiction a few years back, but he went to rehab and got help for it. Now 5 years later and I'm starting to see all the same signs of drug addiction; the constant lying, hanging out with sketchy people, always too busy to hang out. I'm not a stupid girl, but i have been lying to myself. I've known in my heart that he's doing it, but I just didn't want to believe it. Up until a week ago, I walked in on him racking lines in the other room. I cannot even put into words how sad, disappointed and traumatized i was to see the love of my life do that to himself.
Walking into that made me realize how bad the situation is and that i cant stop lying to myself. I cannot stand and watch him do this to himself again. He isn't a bad person he's actually one of the most loving, kind hearted people u will ever meet. He has a lot of issues with things that have happened in his life. Regardless, I can't sit and watch the person I love continue to do this to himself, not again. We had a talk and we both were crying and telling each other how much we loved each other and how he cant live without me. He says he's going to prove to me that he will get better, but I know he has to do it for himself. I love him soo much and walking away from him is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. My heart is truly broken. I feel soo alone and i just pray that he will get better and stop doing drugs for himself and for his family. I'm trying to be strong but it's soooo hard. I dont want him to feel alone.

dasiydoc

Hey there.Your story is a lot like mine so maybe we can compare notes ! Same drug, same highly functional user, same thing where his use has been invisible to me for the most part. Only difference I can see if that my boyfriends behavior has not got to the point where I think it is unhealthy for me, or that it makes me unhappy to be around him. He doesn’t go out with drug buddies, is still reliable, and treats me well. But I recently had a situation where I realized his use had been creeping into my life and I was unaware. I found drugs stashed in my house in a vase in the hallway I had no idea he did that, so I understand about waking up to the realization of whats been going on under your nose (no pun intended). If your feeling your situation is not good for you, then I think you did the right thing in breaking it off with him. You also have some past exposure to his drug use 5 years ago. Your boyfriend will always have a chance of recurrence even if he cleans up this time. If that is something you don’t want to deal with, or it causes too much anxiety for you, then also good to end the relationship now I think.

In my case, I was with my boyfriend over a year while he was actively using. Then about two months ago he came to me one day and said he thought he had a problem. He was now using everyday small amounts. He had tried to stop and had lots of anxiety and depression (common with this drug) and he thought he needed some help to quit. About a month ago he started working with an addiction doctor and he has slipped up twice since then, but he is clearly working on it. I have decided to stay with him, support his efforts. Right now Im handling it all ok, and not getting too caught up in any of it. I worry about him and all that, but it is at normal levels and not overtaking my life. I have been reading a lot and learning how to best support, encourage him. Also, learning about making boundaries to cover issues should they arise during another slip’. For example, for now I have taken away his key to my house to lessen the odds he would keep drugs stashed there in the event of a relapse. He is however still welcome in my house as long as Im there.

I got a lot of slack at the start of my posting here, from people telling me I had my own issues or I would have left him. Ive had to repeat over and over, Im not here to to trash my boyfriend. He is a great guy, who is suffering from an addiction. That’s it. That’s the way I see it. Remember, no one here knows all your details, your exact situation, how you are coping with things, who he really is besides the addiction, no one can say with certainty what the future holds for either of you. But hearing other views has helped me see different aspects of my situation, and then allowed me to think it through based on my own beliefs and feelings.

julez

hopenlove15, you sound AWESOME!!! You are saying and feeling all the right things! I'm SO proud of you. You did absolutely the right thing, and know he has to do it for himself, and that alone is amazingly strong.

Are you going no contact?

Reed30

Well, I would agree with your decision since I did the same thing. But in my case my Ex hid his addiction from me. When i found out I was shocked, but then a lot of things made sense to me. All his behavior and moods and towards the end the cancelling of plans and getting sick all the time. Its hard to make the decision you did, but you did the right thing. You nor I nor anyone else should be in a relationship with someone that can lie and hurt us so much. We all know with an addict we are never #1. My ex admitted that to me. I loved him soo much, I thought I was going to marry him I'm 30 so I thought I finally found the one. My ex is nice, sweet,romantic..funny guy. We both work in same place and have good jobs. But that all doesnt matter now. Look back and think about all the hurt, the tears the lies..etc. Its not worth it. I had the same exact feelings like you, didnt' want him to be alone...i felt guilty for leaving. but when he was using and when your ex was using, did they think about how much it could hurt you or me?? NO.

Keep strong. He will say he's changed and won't hurt you again and blah blah. Mine recently just said that to me (it's been 6 months since our break up). He sent me an email that he's changed, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and wont make me cry and i'll be #1 now. Sorry buddy, too late. Keep posting and reading SR, its def helped me. and was I this strong 6 months ago...nope! With time and working on myself, i can see things much clearly and know I made the right decision. Do i still think about him/miss him...yes, but the relationship we had is over.

I wish your ex and mine the best in their recovery. But remember they made these choices and now need to accept the consequences of their actions. And you already gave him a chance and have seen his actions over the last 5 years. Imagine the rest of your life like that. Focus on YOU, lifes too short. Don't spend it worrying/dealing with his issues. you are a great person and will be OK. Just take things day by day

hopenlove15

Thank You. It feels good to have support through this awful time. We talked in person yesterday and I asked him to please not contact me and to give me some space. He didn't like it, but I feel like it would be best for the both of us. I'm so broken and I just need some clarity and time to get myself together. I keep feeling bad for leaving him alone, but I know that if i stay it won't give him any motivation to want to change. If he has me, he'll just keep getting high and just lying about it. I just know that I can't live a life of deception because I care to much for him. I just am scared that he won't ever change. I don't want him to end up dying or going to prison. I love him way too much.

Hanna

Welcome to Sober Recovery, hopenlove15.

I think you know the answer to your question better than anyone here.

In your shoes, I hope that I would have the strength to do the same thing because I do believe it is the right choice in the situation you described.

Read the stickies at the top of the forum and keep posting and reading the threads here. You will find lots of love and support from people that have been in the same situation.

Glad you found the forum during this difficult time.
Peace,
Hanna

hopenlove15

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me advice in what i'm going through. I just need support and hope at this point. Reed thank you so much for what you have said to me. I'm in the exact position as u were in the fact that i was clueless and lied to behind my back. It's hard to think someone so great could do such horrible things to himself and keep it all from me. I'm tired of letting his negative choices in life affect me. I hope I can be as strong as you have been. It's just such a hard situation. I would never wish this upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. Addiction is evil and I hate it.

iztal7776

I kicked him out. I also had no clue but he confessed and everything fell into place. I knew I couldn't live like that anymore. I kept thinking of all the times we were in the car and he was high! and other stuff that he might have had on him. He told me he would change too..and now he's back to being angry at me. The rollercoaster ride is still going. He will go to NA, but then he gets mad at me for some reason ( he's crashing but he won't say that) and he disappears then reappears. AND HE IS NO LONGER MY BOYFRIEND! so what do I do? I have to let go. Accept that, no, he didn't beat me and leave me without anything, but why does it need to get that bad? He did lie, betray my trust, cheated with the drug, pulled the wool over my eyes and probably stole. but then I try to overlook all that and tell myself that when he wasn't using he was a wonderful, sensitive, romantic guy...but he isn't that anymore. He is a liar, betrayer, cheater, deceiver more often than not. So how bad does it have to get. I hear the analogy once of a person drowning, our instinstics kick in and we jump after them, ready to rescue them and how often do they end up drowning too? We have to decide at one point that our survival and our children's healthy upbringing is better than dying " in the name of love". We have to let go, for me, I can't care if he believes I never loved him. I know I did. Gosh, after all I was put through! and I have to know that he made the decision to use. He made the decision to use the night before he went to work and got busted. HE DECIDED.

Reed30

Wow iztal how our stories are so similar. It's crazy when you think back to all the times you were together and go wait a second now things make sense.. Now I understand why he was acting like that. Now we know that drugs were part of the reason, it's sad. Also, 4 months after my break up my ex sent me an email and said same thing like your ex, that he's angry with me. He said if I loved him I wouldn't have left him. What!! I loved him so much..I know the truth. I never lied to him..I was also there for him and respected him as a person..put him #1.. Never hurt him.

Clearly his definition of love is different than mine. You also stay strong and know you aren't alone

hopenlove15

I know the exact feeling. After finding everything out u start connecting the dots and realizing ohhhh that's why he always did that or that's why that happened. I'm so frustrated and just drained from dealing with all of this. I wish I didn't have to go through this because its so hard. All my friends keep telling me, Don't talk to him just move on. I know that's what I have to do but I get stuck thinking about the good side of him and it also doesn't help that he calls me all the time and keeps telling me that he's working on himself to change. He isn't doing anything to really change. He says that he's working on it n he can quit cold turkey but one of his friends actually told me that they saw him doing last Sunday and I actually ran into him at some place and he was still hanging out with his drug dealer friends. Idk why I can't just lose hope in him. I always want to believe what he says but in my heart I know it's all bs. I just don't understand how someone can promise to stop bc they don't want to lose me but still keep doing it? I know I'm just Stoopid, but it just hurts. He's such an addict and he can't even admit it to
Himself. Ahhhh I keep hoping that everyday gets better but it doesn't. I'm just sooooo hurt and so sad that someone could do this to someone they love.

Kindeyes

Did you do the right thing?

Only you can answer that question. If you feel you did the right thing, that is what counts. If your life is more manageable, that is what counts.

Most if the addicts I know are good, kind, wonderful people under the addiction.....but that doesn't make their behaviors ok. Take addiction out of the equation and just look at behaviors and that usually answers the question. It's ok to love the addict in our lives unconditionally. But unconditional love does not mean unconditionally putting up with unacceptable behavior. We all have our "breaking point". Our place where the emotional investment benefit no longer looks "profitable".....we find ourselves in a relationship deficit....and we make the decision to pull out. There is nothing wrong with that. It is an individual decision. We allow ourselves to be available for another healthier commitment.

It takes a lot of courage to let the addict go and take care of ourselves. You are taking care of you....and that's a positive thing.

gentle hugs
ke