KaraT

My husband went into rehab a few days ago.

I was wondering if anyone here who has been in this situation before has ever struggled with the judgment of others at this time? Because of the situation, I have had to tell a lot more people about his problem and I sometimes get the sense that I am being judged as a bad mother, codependent or whatever label people might be putting on. Is this just me? I know that I'm not perfect and my life decisions have not been perfect, but I also know that I have done a pretty good job with the circumstances. I keep reminding myself that I am powerless over people, places and things but it is still something that is bothering me.

KLM

I find most of my friends judge me. They think I should have kicked out AH long ago and broken the cycle. I find they ask me how things are, I tell them and then I face their wrath. I now have a strained relationship with one of my dearest friends bc of this. She is disappointed in me bc I haven't done things on the same way she would have or on the same timeline. It's hard but I try to believe they are like this bc they care.
I totally get what you are saying and it's a hard position to be in.

Ann

I have found that I prefer to share with only those who are safe...recovery friends or friends who truly understand.

I owe nobody an explanation or a dialogue of what went wrong.

When people used to ask me how my son (my addicted loved one) was doing, I would reply "He's doing the best he can", and leave it at that.

I understand that friends care about that which affects me, but true friends will not judge or tell me what to do, simply offer support and love.

When people try to force a conversation that I don't want to engage in, I simply say "Let's talk about something else, shall we?" or "It's too personal to discuss."

We have nothing to be ashamed of, our lives are what they are and as long as we do the best we can each day, we need not apologize to anyone.

Hugs

Katiekate

There is a saying around here

What someone else thinks of me is none of my business.

When someone else has walked in your shoes or felt the beating of your heart, maybe then their comments would be welcome.

You said you have done the best that you can, I believe you.

love Katie

Kindeyes

Part of the issues I had throughout my entire life was caring way too much about what others thought. I would judge them harshly for their judgement of me and sometimes even decide that I disliked them FIRST......before they judged me.....Because I figured they would judge me at some point and the best offense was a good defense. lol. I was extremely defensive. It took me a while to understand (let alone believe) that it truly was none of my business what others think about me.

I agree with what Ann said too. I don't share that my son is an addict with just anyone. Our family has had enough pain from his addiction.....the last thing I need is someone heaping some fuel on that fire.

Life deals out some tough stuff. I always try to remember that everyone will get their opportunity to be judged or deal with some kind of powerfully painful life experiences. No one gets through this life completely unscathed. Some of my toughest moments today are recognizing times when I felt judgemental toward someone else in my past and the lessons I am learning now are teaching me compassion where I once (perhaps) had little.

You and your husband will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

grateful6982

i am dealing with the same problem...guilty by association i guess. i have had to make tough choices about who can and cannot be in my life at this time. i know i do my best everyday and if my "friends" and family don't see that then i honestly cannot waste my energy on them. be proud of yourself for doing your best under very very difficult circumstances!

julez

I have a group of girlfriends that I have travelled with, our kids have grown up together, and have spent a lot of time with that know nothing about whats going on with my daughter. They know shes somewhat troubled, and goes to night school, but nothing about her going to rehab, or being promiscuos. I share everything with my sister, and my one best friend. Instead of judging, they express concern for ME, and support ME, instead of bashing my child.
You are always going to have people that act like that. Their mantra is "if you don't have anythig nice to say, come sit by me" I cant have that in my personal life anymore.
I'm sure you are doing the very best you can, and as long as you feel that in your heart, leave the rest to God.

lizwig

Agreed....I have only shared with a couple of very close friends what is going on with my son and have had to ask my family to stop sharing their opinions of what I should or shouldn't be doing because it isn't helping me. (I have 2 family members who are drug and alcohol counselors and as much as they love me...they simply haven't provided the support I need). I get the majority of my support from my husband, al-anon and this site. I save my friendships for the fun times....because they are equally important. We are from a small town and I know people are aware of our family struggles...when some random person asks me a question and I believe they are only asking for curiosities sake I find myself responding "why do you ask?"....and have actually laughed (in my head) as they bumble through why they think they have the right to know about my personal/private battles. I don't do it meanly...just keep a very relaxed expression. But in all honesty, I am interested in knowing why they want to talk about such a painful subject with a mere "aquaintance". It's a tough balance. Be true to YOURSELF. Until someone has a personal understanding of the powerless position we have found ourselves in...they simply cannot relate. Big hug to you.

laurie6781

(((((KaraT)))))

Throughout the majority of my life (I am almost 68) I have been with addiction of one sort or another, my mother (valium addict), my father (daily drinker of SAME amount all his life, I thought he might be alcoholic), myself (my own alcoholism and drug addiction), both my husbands (both alcoholics) and sponsees (both those in AA and in Alanon).

I personally have been in recovery from alcohol and drugs for almost 32 years now, and in recovery for my co dependent issues for almost 29 years now.

Early in my own AA affiliation I learned that

"what other people think of me is none of my business."

Over the years I have found this to be so true, and yes folks sober in AA for years can and do 'judge' the newcomer ALL the time it seems (me too until I 'catch' myself, lol). I also have learned to be very careful with whom I share my 'life's story' so to speak.

I have also found that people that are always giving 'advice' and become upset if one does not follow said advice to a T, are just too 'TOXIC' for me and I keep my distance.

Like said above, I have some key phrases I use to NOT discuss my current situation with others.

I can still be so 'closed mouthed' that I can start to isolate and not tell anyone what is going on at a particular time. Fortunately, I have one daughter living very close (6 blocks, lol) and she can 'read me like a book' and does understand.

I didn't even share on here until 'after the fact' what went on for 10 months in my life in 2010, with being reunited with my 'first love.' Ego maybe, lol. It took me 10 months before ALL the red flags jumped up and hit me smack in the head. Yes he was an alcoholic still using.

But, I did start to share about it, after I had started WORKING ON ME ONE MORE TIME! I felt it was important for me, as well as, showing how one can be 'duped' again, even with all one's work on one's self.

PLEASE, please do NOT feel guilty. You have and are doing the VERY BEST you can, and give yourself a 'pat on the back' for that. Hell, you found Sober Recovery, and did some reading and are now posting, that is growth, large growth for someone that has lived in the hell of addiction. And yes, whether one is a 'double winner' like some of us or just on the codependent side, it is still hell. I sometimes think now, that the hell the codependent actually goes through a worse hell (if that is possible) than the A, because at least the A, NUMBS themselves, not so with the co dependent. NO not sometimes, MOST OF THE TIME I think this way now!!!!

You too, may find it to your benefit to be very selective about what you share and to whom, just for your own 'peace of mind' and 'serenity.'

So, please keep posting, let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much! Feel free to vent, to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We are walking with you in spirit!

Love and hugs,

Anaya

That's a great start. This must be a very difficult time for you, and I hope all goes well. I know this much...you won't be judged here and others truly do understand.

Because what happened with my son as a teen was so extreme and his whole life (and ours) greatly affected, it was near impossible to keep others from knowing what was going on; at that time, I became very familiar with school officials, local police, counselors, etc., etc. Fortunately, family members were surprisingly very supportive and that was comforting.

There always seemed to be those who were and are quick to judge. I remember working concessions at a HS football game (post a lot of the drama and trauma), after he had gone back to playing after being off for a year and could "feel" the difference in some adults we had known for years. It is what it is; maybe I would be the same if the shoe were on the other foot. Football families (like so many other groups) always seemed pretty cliquey anyway.

When asked of late how he's doing, I usually comment that he has steady work and is becoming more responsible (both true) and then thank the person for their concern and interest.

I pretty much quit worrying awhile back what others that I know think of "him and us" and mostly just count my blessings; things could have turned out so much worse. Life is generally peaceful these days.

lesliej

Judgement, Shame...brutal symptoms of the pain we all suffer/have suffered.
I knew people loved me and cared about me, because they kept picking up the phone and meeting me for coffee so that I could process the pain I was in. I couldn't do it alone, and I was fortunate because most of my friends and family members are in recovery, or are familiar with it. The "problem" was they started holding me accountable for my own happiness...

After awhile I could not bare the shame of my pain, I think I may have been projecting judgement on those around me...not entirely sure. But I felt judged and shamed, and I resented it. I felt judged and shamed in my circle of community, in the al anon retreat I went to, and I even felt it here at times. So I started to isolate, and started losing connection pretty quickly. I am sure some people were pretty relieved.

Then I realized that my losing people looked a lot like the same symptom of active addiction.

I wanted to be a happy person, I wanted my connections back, I wanted to live without shame, I wanted to live without crack.

When all was said and done, after a long process of grief, I became grateful for the sense of accountability that I felt.

It's true what all say above in their posts, but it can also be true that it can be a very subtle and complex matter. I wish you all the best in finding your way, gently and with love.

Lily1918

I often have to deal with this. Thank god I had a head start in brushing off peoples opinions because of my sons mental disability.
The old mother hens at church are the worst. The addict in my life is the pastors grandson, and him being in rehab is common knowledge. They are loving, and supportive, but they plague me with questions about whether or not we are still together, and how many days sober is he, where is he going to live when he gets out, what's going on etc etc... I just tell them Im not worried about tomorrow, because today has enough worry of its own.
As for judgement from my friends... I get it. they love me. they want to see me happy. they either want me to be alone or with a good partner, not an addict. But you know what its really not my business what they think of me. I don't really talk about him to them, I figure when he comes back he can show his true colors. whatever they may be.

incitingsilence

I found it to be a strange journey …

With my husband when I said heroin, no one ran, no one told me to run, which was such a contradiction in the beginning while being bombarded in the addiction/codependency circles with you have to run, NOW. People visited, called to see how he was. My friends didn’t run, his didn’t (and no they didn‘t use either).

With my son, everyone had an opinion, very few were nice. I took so much **** from other mothers dealing with what I was, and was told that “we” love our children if I called them out on enabling. My family was equally insane, although you could see the scars with my one sister each time she spoke. She said to me my son’s addiction was because of how I was as a teen. My mother thought that I should be doing everything to save and help him. She thought I needed to just kick his ass (literally) because apparently that saved me. And she said that out loud to anyone around many times. She even told me to tell my husband to beat some sense into him. WTF And if I dared speak of it because my closest gf’s knew my parents and would ask about my son, she would flip out. It was like living an episode of the twilight zone.

My children knew and I know they spoke to their friends about it. They weren’t ever told they couldn’t speak of anything. I am huge on giving my children a voice. I was also very respectful in terms of my children and did ask them if they were at all worried or uncomfortable with me speaking at school, any time I was planning on being there. The last time I was there … I loved the look on the principles face after he went on and on about his children doing this or that and never using drugs and how he was such a good parent. So I set him up. I said you know my son, star athlete in his sport. And he said yeah he was a good kid, never in any trouble and that is because you are your husband are good parents and are here tonight because you care. I looked at him and said crack addict. I thought he was gonna fall out of the chair. I might have enjoyed his reaction too much.

I do subscribe to the reactions of others being their problem not mine.

What I have found over the years is that most don’t speak, they just can’t so afraid of the reactions to them. I see this with my sister’s best friend, 30 plus years thick as thieves and she never told my sister her son was an addict. My sister never told her, that her nephew was either. I know, and I won’t be sharing that I do, it isn’t my place. But I can’t comprehend how you have close friends and can’t speak to them. I have come to learn that those who knew me best were the biggest help at times and they knew nothing about addiction, but they sure knew when I wasn’t right. They listened, they hugged, they provided endless comic relief and they helped me heal more than they will ever realize.

I don’t think anyone needs to shout from rooftops, but I do believe if those in it can’t speak of it or share as they need to in any setting…well if nothing changes, then nothing will change. At least at this point with addiction more open I would think that by now most in this would understand that addiction thrives in the secrecy….

KaraT

I was quite open with my workplace about why I can't go to work this week as I resolved never to lie this disease. Has anyone ever dealt with professional humiliation over this? I mean how do I face the people who I work with in a field where we are supposed to be the smart professionals that know how the systems is supposed to help problem families, and it turns out I am one of those families? I just wish the problem would go away...

laurie6781

The one's that I couldn't talk to turned out to NOT be 'close friends' afterall. It happens. I do have very 'close friends' that I do share with and they likewise share with me. Some have addiction in their family and some don't. I do believe for me, that because of my addictions, my "picker" was broke and I had to re-learn what being a friend was all about.

(((((Kara)))))

I do believe in the end this will give you MORE INCITE into your field and you just might have the advantage in helping others to get through the 'mind field' of services!!!!!

I didn't complete college and become an RN until I was in recovery. I am sober and clean a long time now. I truly believe that my experiences helped me to be a better nurse than some others and I did have more insight into the problems of addiction, sometimes more so than the Drs in the ER, lol they started coming to me to help them with a patient.

So, keep the positive in your mind. You are learning so much, and I do believe that you will help others that come your way!!

Love and hugs,