marie89hr

I'm new to this site. My name is Marie. I'm 23 years old. I have two beautiful kids, ages 1 and 3. They are my world. Anyway, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is a heroin addict. He started heroin the day after our son was born last year. I didn't know until a few months ago. He was accused of breaking into someones car and stealing money. The cops came to our house with a search warrant to look for the clothes that he was supposedly wearing. They didn't find clothes but they found several stamp bags and other paraphernalia hidden in a closet that we don't use. This caused a series of problems. Children and youth got involved, he is now on probation and I (who has never been in trouble with the law) will also soon be on probation. My boyfriend went to rehab in January. He was only there for 18 day because he doesn't have insurance and that's only how long the county would fund him for. He got out the beginning February. He started using again a few weeks ago. So, yesterday, he went to the hospital for detox. He is on probation for 18 months. My question is: I've stayed by his side through all of this. Am I stupid for staying with him, will he ever change and should I leave? And if I decide to stay is there anything I can do to prevent him from using again or just help him through recovery?I do love him and I care about him. I'm afraid that if I leave he'll do something stupid. I don't want that to happen. Any advice will help and are greatly appreciated.

julez

Take care of yourself and your kids. Go to AlAnon. Create boundaries and stick with them. You will never prevent it, and he will never quit for you. This is ALL on him to fix.

julez

And welcome to the forum. You will get a lot of love and support here.

interrupted

There is nothing you can do to prevent him from using again, he has to hit his bottom for that to happen. He has to get to a place where the fear of continuing down this path becomes worse than the fear of getting clean. Nobody knows when that happens, even he doesn't know, and it's different for everyone. The best you can do is focus on yourself and your two beautiful kids and make sure that you're not sliding a soft pillow under his a** every time he falls down. Let him fall. Throw all of your effort into becoming the best, healthiest, and happiest mom you can possibly be.

You are seeing how very real the threat of losing your children becomes when a drug user is present in the house. Your kids deserve two healthy, sober parents - but right now they only have you. Thank God you're here to watch after them and put them first! Maybe, hopefully, one day he will be able to be a good father to them, but right now he isn't capable of that.

Heroin is an evil, evil monster. I have two family members addicted to heroin, and so far (5 jail stints later) they are still not able to kick the habit. It destroys everything in its path. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

BeavsDad

...as opposed to all the brilliant things he does because you stay...

marie89hr

Thank you everyone. I know I have to leave him. Its just going to be so hard. I love him but I love my kids more. Im tired of dealing with this crap.

Lily1918

Its so hard when the kids are involved. We all have to make our choices based on whats best for them. We are all walking with you in spirit. Did you say that you are facing probation as well? Or did I read that wrong? I have done my fair share of ileagal things because of my BF...

KaraT

Hi Marie,

I also have two young children with a substance abuser. The number one thing to remember is that you are absolutely powerless over his addiction.

I know it is very complicated once kids are involved as there are so many different angles to consider when you decide what is best for your children. The answer is different or everyone as everyone and their situation is different so only you can answer your question about what to do (though it sounds like you know).

pianogirl1193

marie89hr, I am sorry you are going through this. Leaving is SO hard. My situation was different in that my EXABF and I were 20 and didn't have children. So, your situation is much more complicated I'd say. But, he was an addict and after 2 years of putting up with the lying and manipulation, I finally broke up with him. It is literally the hardest thing I've ever done!

I guess I got to a place where I realized that I deserved more. I deserved to be #1 in someone's life, to be loved and cared for, not to be lied to or cheated on (with drugs). It is still incredibly difficult and it's been 7 weeks, but I am glad I stood up for myself.

Nobody can really tell you what to do. Everybody is different. But I would create some boundaries like some others said...decide what you will and will not put up with, and stick to them! Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie??? I am just reading it now and it is amazing. I think you would really benefit from it. There is nothing you can do to "change" your bf. He has to change himself. THe best thing to do is work on yourself....

Hang in there, take care of yourself.

Ann

Marie, I know it will be hard...but you going to jail and losing your home and your children because "he" had drugs in the house, is harder. That's not drama, that's the reality that has happened to more than one member here.

It's not fair, it's not right, but just knowing is enough to get you all of the above. It's sad what addiction can do to destroy an entire family.

My heart and prayers go out for you all, for you and your children, that you are kept safe and protected from addiction and the terrible life that goes with living with it...and for your boyfriend too, that one day he finds a better path before he ends up in prison, an institution or dead, like so many others on the path of active addiction.

Hugs and Welcome to SR.

marie89hr

Thanks everyone for you kind words. And yes, I too, am facing probation. Hes in detox til Friday. Im going to have "the talk" with him then. Its not something I want to discuss over the phone. Any suggestions on how I should go about having the talk?

laurie6781

(((((marie)))))

All great advice above. You also asked:

Well, we have a saying around here, "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it meanly."

Keep it simple, something like "I cannot live with or be involved someone who is practicing addiction or is in early recovery. Oh and BTW the Salvation Army has a really GREAT rehab and it is FREE."

And yes, the SA does have a very 'intense' in house rehab that is 6 to 9 months with a very good recovery rate as they do some 'pre admission' screening and try to take only those that REALLY REALLY WANT recovery.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so much. Feel free to ask questions, as I am sure there will be many who have had experience in whatever you are asking about. Also feel free to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry, and yes even laugh.

We are walking with you in spirit. Whenever you are having a 'down moment' picture whatever room you are in, FILLED with all the great folks here at SR. You will be amazed how that can 'lift' your spirits!

Love and hugs,

marie89hr

I dont intend to be mean. Ive practiced the talk in my head, going over things I should say, but it doesnt always come outta my mouth like I want it to. A thanks. I didnt know the salvation army had rehab programs. Thats good to know. I will defiantly look into that.

AnvilheadII

because of HIS actions, the cops came to your home, found drugs/paraphernalia, child protective services is now involved and YOU are going on probation. what do you suppose will happen NEXT time? i'd be very worried about losing my kids and that wouldn't leave me any time at all to worry about what HE plans to do.

Vale

Marie89hr,

Uncertainty is not at all easy to deal with.
The ONE certainty is that your SR friends will always understand,
having walked the walk.

Strength & Honor......