New here and feeling lost...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1
New here and feeling lost...
I really don't know what to do or where to start. I guess I'll start at the beginning. I've been with my ABF (is that right?) for almost 8 years and I love him with all of my heart. We've been through more ups and downs in our relationship than I think any couple should have to endure in a lifetime. Ever since we got together, he has been using and for several years prior to our meeting/getting together. I didn't know about it at first or I would not have stayed with him! And at first, I didn't want to believe it. He'd take breaks here and there, but for the most part, he's been actively using all the time. You name it, he's probably done it. He's even been convicted of 2 felonies; 1 for grand theft from his old employer to buy drugs and then a VOP for failed drug test. He went to jail for a total of about 10 months and I took him back in. Now, because of his convictions, it is difficult for him to get a job; not to mention his driver's license is suspended. We tried therapy a few years back, but that didn't do anything.
He's tried NA (mostly because it was court ordered) and he said it wasn't for him. For a large majority of our relationship, I've been the breadwinner. Since the very beginning, I've always been the one to pay all the bills (all in my name) and he'd give me his money. It was never really ever his “half”, but it didn't matter that much to me back then I guess. Well, that is when he was actually working. I guess I went wrong right there by not making him take some of that responsibility. He has had 3 jobs in the past year (he's a server/bartender) and was hired at a 4th, but then got a call a few days before training and was told that “he isn't what they're looking for” with no other explanation. By now, you're probably thinking “Why didn't she kick him out a long time ago?” Yeah, I should have, but I held on to the hope of things changing. Silly me...
About a year ago, he was hit by a car while riding his bicycle through a parking lot to catch the train to work and fractured his ankle in 2 places. The injury required surgery, a metal plate, pins and a wire to repair. Since then, his abuse has gotten worse. I have had to stop paying my credit card bills and am going to need to file for bankruptcy. I've had to borrow money from my parents to help pay my bills and I hate that I even had to ask. He's pawned almost everything of value in the apartment, including my ring that my grandmother gave me and my mother's engagement ring. I've enabled him so many times I've lost count. Part of the reason that I do it is the fear that someone is going to come to my apartment (I say my apartment because he is not on the lease due to his felonies) to collect monies owed or who knows what or do something to my car.
He's lied to me about so many things, and stupid things at that. He's punched holes in the doors, walls, broke the front door handle and most recently threw a drinking glass and broke the window and chipped the marble ledge under the it. These are things that now I will be responsible for.. I can't trust him as far as I can throw him. If he wants to even get help, I have no idea where to even start as we have no money, no family that can really help and he has no job or insurance. I guess I could just try to make my life easier and kick him out, but he has literally no place to go. I tried that last week; he stayed at his mom and stepfather's house for 2 nights and then they kicked him out (his stepfather still doesn't trust him). He called me and said he had nowhere to go and that he has a legal right to be at the apartment since all of his belongings are there and he has his mail delivered there. Technically, he is correct.
Right now, he's trying to wean off, but as I am typing this he's now asking me for another half because he doesn't feel good and is throwing up (I'm holding them because I paid for them). So, now he's pissed off and throwing things and yelling at me. I told him that he has until the end of the month to figure this out. At the end of the month, he goes back to the Doctor to get his prescriptions filled. This time, he tells me he is going to“get rid of them all” because we need the money. But then last night he tells me that maybe he should just keep 20 “just in case”. I feel like he's not making enough of an effort to stop, but am I just expecting too much? When I tell him, he just says “Nothing is ever good enough” or “I guess I do everything wrong.” Yes, it's a guilt trip I know, but then he tells me he wants to just kill himself. There's always a “reason/excuse” for everything and there is always this grand “plan” that never actually goes through. Thank you for taking the time to read this long a*@ post. Any advice or support is greatly appreciated.
He's tried NA (mostly because it was court ordered) and he said it wasn't for him. For a large majority of our relationship, I've been the breadwinner. Since the very beginning, I've always been the one to pay all the bills (all in my name) and he'd give me his money. It was never really ever his “half”, but it didn't matter that much to me back then I guess. Well, that is when he was actually working. I guess I went wrong right there by not making him take some of that responsibility. He has had 3 jobs in the past year (he's a server/bartender) and was hired at a 4th, but then got a call a few days before training and was told that “he isn't what they're looking for” with no other explanation. By now, you're probably thinking “Why didn't she kick him out a long time ago?” Yeah, I should have, but I held on to the hope of things changing. Silly me...
About a year ago, he was hit by a car while riding his bicycle through a parking lot to catch the train to work and fractured his ankle in 2 places. The injury required surgery, a metal plate, pins and a wire to repair. Since then, his abuse has gotten worse. I have had to stop paying my credit card bills and am going to need to file for bankruptcy. I've had to borrow money from my parents to help pay my bills and I hate that I even had to ask. He's pawned almost everything of value in the apartment, including my ring that my grandmother gave me and my mother's engagement ring. I've enabled him so many times I've lost count. Part of the reason that I do it is the fear that someone is going to come to my apartment (I say my apartment because he is not on the lease due to his felonies) to collect monies owed or who knows what or do something to my car.
He's lied to me about so many things, and stupid things at that. He's punched holes in the doors, walls, broke the front door handle and most recently threw a drinking glass and broke the window and chipped the marble ledge under the it. These are things that now I will be responsible for.. I can't trust him as far as I can throw him. If he wants to even get help, I have no idea where to even start as we have no money, no family that can really help and he has no job or insurance. I guess I could just try to make my life easier and kick him out, but he has literally no place to go. I tried that last week; he stayed at his mom and stepfather's house for 2 nights and then they kicked him out (his stepfather still doesn't trust him). He called me and said he had nowhere to go and that he has a legal right to be at the apartment since all of his belongings are there and he has his mail delivered there. Technically, he is correct.
Right now, he's trying to wean off, but as I am typing this he's now asking me for another half because he doesn't feel good and is throwing up (I'm holding them because I paid for them). So, now he's pissed off and throwing things and yelling at me. I told him that he has until the end of the month to figure this out. At the end of the month, he goes back to the Doctor to get his prescriptions filled. This time, he tells me he is going to“get rid of them all” because we need the money. But then last night he tells me that maybe he should just keep 20 “just in case”. I feel like he's not making enough of an effort to stop, but am I just expecting too much? When I tell him, he just says “Nothing is ever good enough” or “I guess I do everything wrong.” Yes, it's a guilt trip I know, but then he tells me he wants to just kill himself. There's always a “reason/excuse” for everything and there is always this grand “plan” that never actually goes through. Thank you for taking the time to read this long a*@ post. Any advice or support is greatly appreciated.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Your story sounds so eerily familiar.. Only difference was that I was married to my addict.. Thankfully not anymore..
Your statement "he has no other place to go" bothers me.. You see I used that very excuse for many years because I didn't want to deal with the hassle of kicking him out and dealing with the financial fallout.. I have since learned that addicts are resourceful, if he can get his pills then he can cough up the money for a place to stay.. Bet there are some hotels around that offer a weekly rate.. That's exactly what my ex did and he has now since moved on to his next hostage.. Financially you will find that you will be much much better off without him then you ever thought possible..
As far as him being in your apartment legally.. It's true you can't just kick him out but I think you can serve him with an eviction notice.. or have your landlord do it.. It was HELL getting my ex husband out of my house.. The day before my D was final I changed the locks and told him he could come get his stuff at my convienance (sp?)
You can do this.. If you truly want him gone you can force him to leave.. It won't be pretty but then again dealing with an addict never is..
Are you attending any kind of alanon or naranon meetings? They really helped me when I was struggling with some tough decisions..
Keep posting and read the stickies
Your statement "he has no other place to go" bothers me.. You see I used that very excuse for many years because I didn't want to deal with the hassle of kicking him out and dealing with the financial fallout.. I have since learned that addicts are resourceful, if he can get his pills then he can cough up the money for a place to stay.. Bet there are some hotels around that offer a weekly rate.. That's exactly what my ex did and he has now since moved on to his next hostage.. Financially you will find that you will be much much better off without him then you ever thought possible..
As far as him being in your apartment legally.. It's true you can't just kick him out but I think you can serve him with an eviction notice.. or have your landlord do it.. It was HELL getting my ex husband out of my house.. The day before my D was final I changed the locks and told him he could come get his stuff at my convienance (sp?)
You can do this.. If you truly want him gone you can force him to leave.. It won't be pretty but then again dealing with an addict never is..
Are you attending any kind of alanon or naranon meetings? They really helped me when I was struggling with some tough decisions..
Keep posting and read the stickies
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
let me ask you one question:
what are YOU getting out of THIS? it's been 8 years, you've lost virtually everything, your finances are in ruins, you're terrified and alone.
meanwhile he's used and continued to use, he uses drugs, he uses you, he uses your money, he pawned some of your most sentimental possessions, he doesn't work, he's violent, been jailed.
he has never once lived up to your most minimal of expectations. he has no respect for you and has violated your trust, your safety, your security and RIGHT NOW all he cares about is those pills.
so what is your payoff for all this? why do you continue to pay such a heavy price for someone who has NOTHING to offer?
even if he started true committed recovery tomorrow, he won't be the GUY you want him to be. he has SHOWN you consistently over the past 8 years of your one precious life exactly what he is about.
said gently, you aren't HELPING him. you CAN'T help him.
you can only help YOU. he'll find somewhere to go, trust me. and if he doesn't that is HIS problem. he's not a lost child, he is a full grown adult who has dedicated his life to a series of bad choices, with no respect for others or for the law.
you have a choice here. but you have to put YOU first.
what are YOU getting out of THIS? it's been 8 years, you've lost virtually everything, your finances are in ruins, you're terrified and alone.
meanwhile he's used and continued to use, he uses drugs, he uses you, he uses your money, he pawned some of your most sentimental possessions, he doesn't work, he's violent, been jailed.
he has never once lived up to your most minimal of expectations. he has no respect for you and has violated your trust, your safety, your security and RIGHT NOW all he cares about is those pills.
so what is your payoff for all this? why do you continue to pay such a heavy price for someone who has NOTHING to offer?
even if he started true committed recovery tomorrow, he won't be the GUY you want him to be. he has SHOWN you consistently over the past 8 years of your one precious life exactly what he is about.
said gently, you aren't HELPING him. you CAN'T help him.
you can only help YOU. he'll find somewhere to go, trust me. and if he doesn't that is HIS problem. he's not a lost child, he is a full grown adult who has dedicated his life to a series of bad choices, with no respect for others or for the law.
you have a choice here. but you have to put YOU first.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Aquarius1278, my heart hurt just reading everything you've been through with this guy. 
I agree with jerect and AnvilheadII - you have put up with this for far too long. You've hung in there for 8 years and it's never gotten any better. And unfortunately, from what I've learned in the short time since I've been here, it is only going to get worse. As AHII said, YOU can only help YOURSELF, just as HE is the only one who can help HIMSELF. You deserve SO MUCH better, but before you can get it, you have to reclaim your life and start taking care of YOU. Please keep coming back to read (especially the stickies at the top) and post!! This is an AMAZING place, and you are going to meet some WONDERFUL people here!!
I agree with jerect and AnvilheadII - you have put up with this for far too long. You've hung in there for 8 years and it's never gotten any better. And unfortunately, from what I've learned in the short time since I've been here, it is only going to get worse. As AHII said, YOU can only help YOURSELF, just as HE is the only one who can help HIMSELF. You deserve SO MUCH better, but before you can get it, you have to reclaim your life and start taking care of YOU. Please keep coming back to read (especially the stickies at the top) and post!! This is an AMAZING place, and you are going to meet some WONDERFUL people here!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Refuse to Sink? I like that. But what does that really mean to you?
AnvilHead has touched all the bases with her reply to your post, but I want to amplify a key point before I respond to you.
By enabling your ABF to be helpless, by not treating him as an adult, you have done him no favors. And you have done yourself no favors, either. Declaring bankruptcy is a hell of a price to pay for "loving him" for 8 years.
Has it ever occurred that you don't really know him? You know him when he's in an altered state of consciousness. And while he's been in an altered state of consciousness, what has he done for you? You've listed what he's done "to you", but not "for you".
When I read a post like this, it tells me that your boundaries are so permeable, they're non-existent. There is nothing that your ABF can do, short of murder, that you won't somehow overlook or rationalize. And your boundaries aren't like that because of him. They're that way because of you and your choices and your denial about what it is you're up against.
So, I'm very glad you found us, and if you think my reply to your post is "tough love", you're right. It is. Anyways, what I encourage you to do is go to the top of our homepage and read the sticky note "What Addicts Do" as many times as you can stomach, and then read it some more. Because that is exactly what you are up against, what you've been dealing with, and what you will continue to deal with as long as you continue making the choices you have been.
I will leave you with this. If you think for a minute that this guy loves or cares for you, think again. I can guarantee you that if a day comes when you say "enough!!", he will call you ever name in the book, he will accuse you of not being supportive, and he will blatantly, callously disregard every kind thing you've done for him. The cognitive distortions that will fly out of his mouth will give you whiplash because you'll be going, HUH?!? That doesn't make sense?!? Don't believe me? Read some of the posts here. Get busy.
And Welcome to the Board.
ZoSo
AnvilHead has touched all the bases with her reply to your post, but I want to amplify a key point before I respond to you.
By enabling your ABF to be helpless, by not treating him as an adult, you have done him no favors. And you have done yourself no favors, either. Declaring bankruptcy is a hell of a price to pay for "loving him" for 8 years.
Has it ever occurred that you don't really know him? You know him when he's in an altered state of consciousness. And while he's been in an altered state of consciousness, what has he done for you? You've listed what he's done "to you", but not "for you".
When I read a post like this, it tells me that your boundaries are so permeable, they're non-existent. There is nothing that your ABF can do, short of murder, that you won't somehow overlook or rationalize. And your boundaries aren't like that because of him. They're that way because of you and your choices and your denial about what it is you're up against.
So, I'm very glad you found us, and if you think my reply to your post is "tough love", you're right. It is. Anyways, what I encourage you to do is go to the top of our homepage and read the sticky note "What Addicts Do" as many times as you can stomach, and then read it some more. Because that is exactly what you are up against, what you've been dealing with, and what you will continue to deal with as long as you continue making the choices you have been.
I will leave you with this. If you think for a minute that this guy loves or cares for you, think again. I can guarantee you that if a day comes when you say "enough!!", he will call you ever name in the book, he will accuse you of not being supportive, and he will blatantly, callously disregard every kind thing you've done for him. The cognitive distortions that will fly out of his mouth will give you whiplash because you'll be going, HUH?!? That doesn't make sense?!? Don't believe me? Read some of the posts here. Get busy.
And Welcome to the Board.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 17
Zoso- your last paragraph is so true! When I finally said NO after years of always enabling all hell broke loose! I was told that I was not supportive and that he hopes I never need help in my life since I am so selfish and won't give him money. The best was when he told me "if I had your paycheck I would have at least given you half" really?? I bet! ESP since your whole paycheck went to getting your fix!
I have been in this relationship for 10 years and I thought we have been through so much and this was just another bump in the road that we could get through. Well I was wrong! I have tried hanging on for the last 2 years and all it seems to be doing is bringing me down. He's been sneaky and his stories aren't adding up. When I ask questions he gets defensive and then turns it around on me and tries to make me feel like the bad person. I caught myself acting and doing crazy things such as sneaking into his phone, looking around the house for drugs, and even lied or made up stories. Then I would stay up all night worrying. I sat down and really asked myself if this is the life I want.
I have been in this relationship for 10 years and I thought we have been through so much and this was just another bump in the road that we could get through. Well I was wrong! I have tried hanging on for the last 2 years and all it seems to be doing is bringing me down. He's been sneaky and his stories aren't adding up. When I ask questions he gets defensive and then turns it around on me and tries to make me feel like the bad person. I caught myself acting and doing crazy things such as sneaking into his phone, looking around the house for drugs, and even lied or made up stories. Then I would stay up all night worrying. I sat down and really asked myself if this is the life I want.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
The first thing I would mention is the “Oxygen Mask Rule”. Yep just like on the plane… You need to take care of your own primary needs first, before you can offer help to another” Otherwise, you might get to a point where you have no ability to help, even if you want to.
Then a question. When you made him leave last week – what was the purpose? Have you decided to end the relationship and you want him out, were you angry and needed a break, trying to stop enabling behaviors, trying to make him man up and see he needs help? I just ask because you have been through a lot, and if you have had enough then its completely understandable. It would also be understandable if you were just trying to promote change by your action…
Personally when my husband was actively using I couldn’t live with his behaviors. He moved out, but his situation was different in he was working and could afford a place to live. I honestly don’t know if I could have made him leave if I knew he had no place to go, or only the option of drug friends. It is a personal decision, and there is no right or wrong, its just individualized choice in my opinion.
I think now would be a great time to look at creating some boundaries if your going to stay in the relationship.These too are personal, and based on your own needs. What you can,will,are able to accept in your life, especially in regard to his behaviors. They are done to make sure you get “oxygen” + “some happy” in your life. If you make boundaries and start enforcing them, it is difficult for the other person to accept these changes; usually anger, confusion, manipulation to get around them are common. But this is where learning about communication tools can help.
There are methods that can be used to change communication between you, and actually reinforce positive behaviors that encourage him to reduce, or abstain from the drugs. The book mentioned below was suggested to me by the therapist I worked with in my husband’s rehab. I have found it very helpful. The techniques in the book are used by Smart Recovery & their website has lots of information for family, helpful articles, blogs, worksheets, and a forum for support. (Self Help Substance Abuse & Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®) You can also google the book, and the CRAFT approach for more info.
*CRAFT - Information on CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Approach and Family Training) can be found in an excellent book “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening” by Robert J. Meyers, Ph.D. and Brenda L. Wolfe, Ph.D. This revolutionary program is a compassionate and effective approach designed to improve the lives of Family & Friends while making sobriety a more rewarding alternative for the problem drinkers or substance abusers they love. The CRAFT program is based on proven behavioral principles such as finding and rewarding positive behaviors. It is a program congruent with SMART Recovery®. In repeated clinical trials, CRAFT's approach proved twice as likely as the Johnson intervention and six times as likely as Al-Anon to get a loved one into treatment.
As far as your BF goes… the will to stop using has to come from inside him. But what helps him discover that desire can be many things. He has already reached some low points, like felony charges… and that didn’t appear to do it. But, if he is serious about seeking help and also wants alternatives to NA there are options. My husband did rehab but it was non 12 step and based on private therapy. The program I mentioned above SMART I think is very similar. It has a great website, and tools to help those with addiction learn to stop and change their behaviors through behavioral and cognitive methods.
Another program is called Rational Recovery (Rational Recovery | Welcome to Rational Recovery) and uses similar approaches to Smart, and is also a family centered program. So the good news is… he has options at his disposal. If he isn’t aware of these, maybe you could look them over, and then share if you think he might be interested. If his main drug is opiate based (sounds like it with pain meds) then he might want to talk to his doctor about a non-addictive prescription drug like Vivitrol (Naltrexone) to help him stay clean after a detox – you can google this also. (My husband used this for a few months with good results). There is help out there for him, but he has to ask for it !
I would suggest you take some time to think about what you want, and need. Then slowly move forward in that direction. My husband and I were separated over a year before he decided he was done & ready for change. It was a time of great confusion and pain for me, so my heart goes out to you.
Then a question. When you made him leave last week – what was the purpose? Have you decided to end the relationship and you want him out, were you angry and needed a break, trying to stop enabling behaviors, trying to make him man up and see he needs help? I just ask because you have been through a lot, and if you have had enough then its completely understandable. It would also be understandable if you were just trying to promote change by your action…
Personally when my husband was actively using I couldn’t live with his behaviors. He moved out, but his situation was different in he was working and could afford a place to live. I honestly don’t know if I could have made him leave if I knew he had no place to go, or only the option of drug friends. It is a personal decision, and there is no right or wrong, its just individualized choice in my opinion.
I think now would be a great time to look at creating some boundaries if your going to stay in the relationship.These too are personal, and based on your own needs. What you can,will,are able to accept in your life, especially in regard to his behaviors. They are done to make sure you get “oxygen” + “some happy” in your life. If you make boundaries and start enforcing them, it is difficult for the other person to accept these changes; usually anger, confusion, manipulation to get around them are common. But this is where learning about communication tools can help.
There are methods that can be used to change communication between you, and actually reinforce positive behaviors that encourage him to reduce, or abstain from the drugs. The book mentioned below was suggested to me by the therapist I worked with in my husband’s rehab. I have found it very helpful. The techniques in the book are used by Smart Recovery & their website has lots of information for family, helpful articles, blogs, worksheets, and a forum for support. (Self Help Substance Abuse & Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®) You can also google the book, and the CRAFT approach for more info.
*CRAFT - Information on CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Approach and Family Training) can be found in an excellent book “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening” by Robert J. Meyers, Ph.D. and Brenda L. Wolfe, Ph.D. This revolutionary program is a compassionate and effective approach designed to improve the lives of Family & Friends while making sobriety a more rewarding alternative for the problem drinkers or substance abusers they love. The CRAFT program is based on proven behavioral principles such as finding and rewarding positive behaviors. It is a program congruent with SMART Recovery®. In repeated clinical trials, CRAFT's approach proved twice as likely as the Johnson intervention and six times as likely as Al-Anon to get a loved one into treatment.
As far as your BF goes… the will to stop using has to come from inside him. But what helps him discover that desire can be many things. He has already reached some low points, like felony charges… and that didn’t appear to do it. But, if he is serious about seeking help and also wants alternatives to NA there are options. My husband did rehab but it was non 12 step and based on private therapy. The program I mentioned above SMART I think is very similar. It has a great website, and tools to help those with addiction learn to stop and change their behaviors through behavioral and cognitive methods.
Another program is called Rational Recovery (Rational Recovery | Welcome to Rational Recovery) and uses similar approaches to Smart, and is also a family centered program. So the good news is… he has options at his disposal. If he isn’t aware of these, maybe you could look them over, and then share if you think he might be interested. If his main drug is opiate based (sounds like it with pain meds) then he might want to talk to his doctor about a non-addictive prescription drug like Vivitrol (Naltrexone) to help him stay clean after a detox – you can google this also. (My husband used this for a few months with good results). There is help out there for him, but he has to ask for it !
I would suggest you take some time to think about what you want, and need. Then slowly move forward in that direction. My husband and I were separated over a year before he decided he was done & ready for change. It was a time of great confusion and pain for me, so my heart goes out to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Someone told me once "you don't have problems....you just have solutions you don't like".
That hit home with me at the time it was said to me and as I read your post, that statement was what kept going through my mind. Most of the time, we don't really have problems....we just have solutions we don't like.
Nothing will change until something changes.....and this far, you've endured this for 8 years waiting and hoping that he will change. How has that approach been working thus far?
I would suggest gently that you explore what ever methods will work for you. allforcnm gave you suggestions of what worked for her situation. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon worked for me--not to get my son sober but to fix my problems and how I interfaced with him. (One thought on allforcnm's quote in blue.....it might as well have said 10,0000 times .....instead of.......six times as likely as Al-Anon to get a loved one into treatment.. It is not Al-Anon's purpose to get anyone into treatment....it is to help YOU.....the loved one of the addict/alcoholic. Whatever helps you and whatever you are comfortable with.....I hope you'll have the courage to do it. Only you can help you. There are lots of options out there to help yourself when you're ready.
When you finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired......you will be ready to do whatever it takes to improve your situation......until then nothing will change.
I'm sorry that you are in pain. Unfortunately pain is often the catalyst for change....for you....and for him.
gentle hugs
ke
That hit home with me at the time it was said to me and as I read your post, that statement was what kept going through my mind. Most of the time, we don't really have problems....we just have solutions we don't like.
Nothing will change until something changes.....and this far, you've endured this for 8 years waiting and hoping that he will change. How has that approach been working thus far?
I would suggest gently that you explore what ever methods will work for you. allforcnm gave you suggestions of what worked for her situation. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon worked for me--not to get my son sober but to fix my problems and how I interfaced with him. (One thought on allforcnm's quote in blue.....it might as well have said 10,0000 times .....instead of.......six times as likely as Al-Anon to get a loved one into treatment.. It is not Al-Anon's purpose to get anyone into treatment....it is to help YOU.....the loved one of the addict/alcoholic. Whatever helps you and whatever you are comfortable with.....I hope you'll have the courage to do it. Only you can help you. There are lots of options out there to help yourself when you're ready.
When you finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired......you will be ready to do whatever it takes to improve your situation......until then nothing will change.
I'm sorry that you are in pain. Unfortunately pain is often the catalyst for change....for you....and for him.
gentle hugs
ke
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