Flakiss

Ok you guys I have tried so hard but I just can't keep it together.
I miss him I wish he was out of rehab its been 3 months
I want him to come back home take me to places like normal couples!!!

Every time I see couples I tear up. Nothing! Nothing makes me happy
I may laugh once a day or smile when I really have to just to be polite.
But I'm so sick of this situation..
I have tried to leave him but it doesn't matter because I get even more depressed..
Why did i fall in love!!!!
I'm a good person not perfect of course.. But I really want to be happy
I want to get dressed up and my boyfriend taking me to a nice place.

I'm trying so hard not to go back to drinking
I'm so scared I'm going to lose it one day..

I have tried praying every night.!!! There is no difference

It really seems like my only hope for a bit joy is
Drinking so I can forget how miserable and weak Iam.

All I want is for a great guy to love me is that so much to ask for.?
And now I find this sweet guy who I have fallen so deep in love with just to realize drugs is all he cares for and I don't mean anything.
But my mind keeps telling me he will change and that he will go back to loving me!!
I'm tired of mind games.

I just can't do it I'm going crazy..
Everyone tells me I deserve better than that
But I just believe I'm meant to suffer and happiness is not meant for me..

I'm done.

Kindeyes

When we finally reach a point where we don't know whether we can make it or not....we turn a corner.

I understand what you are saying. I've been to a point where I just didn't think I could take any more heartache. I'd had enough. My heart just couldn't handle it. Different people find different things work for them but working a solid program of recovery myself is what did the trick for me. That helped me turn a corner and get my life and attitude pointed in a positive direction. There will always be suffering in life but I choose not to live my life in anguish any longer. I choose to give up those things I can't handle to God and to live my life in today......on day at a time.

I am sorry you are hurting so deeply. Perhaps now is a good time to look at yourself closely and discover what makes you tick. It took me decades but I hope you're a lot smarter than I am and can learn those lessons earlier in life.

gentle gentle hugs to you today
ke

zoso77

Well, if that's what you believe, then that's what will happen.

But for what it's worth, I don't believe that. I think it's bulls**t. Why?

Because if there's anything that I've learned in the past few years, it's that life will be as good or as bad as we choose to make it. This doesn't mean we won't experience difficult times, or heartbreak. We will. The question then becomes, what do we do when we inevitably go through that?

The answer is surprisingly, deceptively simple: we accept things and people for what they are. There are just some things in our lives that are beyond our ability to influence. Your ABF (AH?) is such a person, and as long as he's using or not in recovery, he will hurt you. Because that's what addicts do. So, do you really want him in your life like that? I doubt it.

Instead of praying to God for a desired outcome, I would write down a list of things that you are grateful for and thank God for those things. So if I was really, really low, I'd thank God for the following:

"Achilles Last Stand" by Led Zeppelin, which made me want to play the guitar, and 10 guitars later, I can play that song note-for-note.

My late mentor.

Al Anon, which helped restore me to sanity after dealing with an addict myself.

My closest friends.

My bandmates.

My clinician.

My colleagues at work.

My boss at work.

My academic advisor and the faculty in my department at school.

My brothers, sisters-in-law, nieces and nephews.

My brains.

My musical ability.

My house.

My career.

And I can go on and on. But I think you've got the idea. Or you should have it.

I am not trying to minimize or invalidate your pain. I empathize with you a great deal. But what I'm trying to do is help shift your think over from what you don't have to the things that you do have. It is so, so easy to dwell on loves lost, how they've hurt us, and our resentments. And that gets us nowhere. Instead, thank God for what you do have, and then ask Him to help carry the burden of your pain.

If you are in recovery but are struggling, I hope you have a sponsor or someone in The Fellowship that you can turn to.

Be Safe.

ZoSo

Flakiss

I'm very grateful for the things I do have. That's what has kept me going I do understand your point. I try to pray always thanking God first.. And I also pray for forgiveness because its beyond my reach to be happy..it's something I Cannot control
I do know God wants me to be happy..

I just don't understand what's happening to me!
And unfortunately I have no one to turn to.
No friends believe it or not.. The ones I do have I would start venting and they would start handing me drinks. Family doesn't really understand
They angrily tell me to move on as if its as easy as it sounds.

zoso77

What's happening to you is you're mourning the loss of someone you love.

And it sucks. It's awful. It's painful. And, at times, it's completely overwhelming and drives us to places emotionally that are darker than dark. So I get it.

If you're not in program, I encourage you to find a meeting as soon as possible. It can be AA, it can be Al Anon. I don't think, at this point, it matters all that much. You're not alone, even though it may feel that way.

ZoSo

Momzo

Flakiss, I'm sorry you feel that way...but trust me...it gets better. I kicked my exabf out three months ago and was where you are at now. You will have your good and sad days. I had a sad day today..I was thinking of the good times we had. But I had to tell myself out loud why I made the choice I did. It's ok to feel sad. Remember you're doing what's best for you. It's time for you to love yourself. Go get your hair done, buy a new outfit, go run on the treadmill...whatever can make you feel good about yourself. 😻

I got on the treadmill after having a cry today and it made me feel better!

Read my first post...you'll see where I was three months ago

Your friend,
Jennie

Kindeyes

You're right......friends who simply want to put a drink in your hands when you want to stop drinking aren't really friends. That doesn't solve anyything and often makes problems far worse.

There are rooms full of people who don't want to drink either and they need friends too.......I would highly encourage you to seek out a local AA meeting (or Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting). AA is for people who need support to stop drinking and Al-Anon & Nar-Anon are for the family members of alcoholics or addicts who need support.

It's really hard to walk in there for the first time. And it takes several meetings to begin really establishing the friendships. But I have met some of my dearest friends there. They understand in ways that my other friends cannot.

And you can also find support here on SR. We'll walk with you. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Flakiss

I want to go to Nar-anon but there's none in my area.
My bf doesn't do alcohol so alanon wouldn't be for me..
Is that how it works?

I also don't want to be the youngest one there I'm almost 22
I'm sure everyone there will be older than me!!
It may be awkard because I don't have as much experience as them.

Ann

Many here go to Al-anon, there seems to be more meetings and the programs are very similar. My homegroup is CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and it is for all people suffering from codependency regardless of the cause. Believe it or not, many codependents have no substance abuse issues, some have family issues or issues from their childhood...it's a good group.

Maybe check your area more and give it a try.

Hugs