Wife in rehab...need serious help for real
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Originally Posted by shaolin5 
How has this affected my son? This "forced" stint in rehab has broken our family apart. Due to my work schedule, he has been staying with my sister (a teacher at his school), because it is beyond impractical to wake him up at 10 minutes til 4am to get him ready and drop him off. I see him every day, but HE is the reason there is so much urgency with all of this. If it were just me, I would just judge all of this based on my feelings alone.
He is the reason I have decided if she comes back and uses again the marriage is over.
I'm sorry guys. I have NEVER been so lost and confused in my whole life. On the one hand, I have a beautiful wife who is perfect 99% of the time. But when 'the demon' takes her over, she is.....gone. I WANT her to stop using. I WANT her to get on with her life, the way her sister has. I WANT her to be my wife and my sons mommy. The hell of it is, I KNOW SHE WANTS THESE THINGS TOO. She works WAY too hard for our family NOT to. She says she loves us both, then backs it up with loving ACTION. EXCEPT....
It's like once a month or so she just....gets possessed. Lately, things have seemed to be progressing. Totaling my car, stealing my guns and laptop, ect, all of this has happened since the new year. So something had to happen. When we talked about it, she WANTED to go to rehab. I didn't MAKE her go. It just seemed like the next logical progression in her (hopeful) eventual healing.
Again, I appreciate your help. I do. And I'm not trying to be argumentative here. YOU are doing ME a favor .....I'm just SO confused
He is the reason I have decided if she comes back and uses again the marriage is over.
I'm sorry guys. I have NEVER been so lost and confused in my whole life. On the one hand, I have a beautiful wife who is perfect 99% of the time. But when 'the demon' takes her over, she is.....gone. I WANT her to stop using. I WANT her to get on with her life, the way her sister has. I WANT her to be my wife and my sons mommy. The hell of it is, I KNOW SHE WANTS THESE THINGS TOO. She works WAY too hard for our family NOT to. She says she loves us both, then backs it up with loving ACTION. EXCEPT....
It's like once a month or so she just....gets possessed. Lately, things have seemed to be progressing. Totaling my car, stealing my guns and laptop, ect, all of this has happened since the new year. So something had to happen. When we talked about it, she WANTED to go to rehab. I didn't MAKE her go. It just seemed like the next logical progression in her (hopeful) eventual healing.
Again, I appreciate your help. I do. And I'm not trying to be argumentative here. YOU are doing ME a favor .....I'm just SO confused
This will be my final contribution to this thread.
On the one hand, you say you have a beautiful wife who is perfect 99% of the time. But on the other hand, she's smashed up your car and has stolen your personal belongings, including guns. Do you see the inherent contradiction here?
I had forgotten there was a child in the picture, too.
I'll leave you with this.
My clinician is a LICSW at one of our local hospitals, and one of her specialties is addiction. When I was going through my stuff with my AXGF, my clinician told me that only 10% of the patients she sees at the hosptial admitted for addiction issues find recovery. Think about that. Only one of ten people find recovery. If you don't face what staring right at you, man, be prepared for you and your son to pay the price.
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
Shaolin I understand the heart wrench you're experiencing right now. It's all very confusing and painful.
My partner's crack addiction ripped my family apart. Tore it up from the inside out. That's just what addiction does.
I only want to share my experience with you. Take what you will. Leave the rest.
When my partner was active in her addiction she did all the same things. She was loving towards me and our children. She behaved the majority of times, was an awesome mother and showed me a lot of affection. She really wanted to do the family thing. Unfortunately she didn't want to stop using either. Just like your wife, it wasn't frequent use but use none the less. Her binges, when those "demons" kicked in were horrifying to say the least. I stomached so many of them because they were infrequent.
As time progressed I realized the danger I was creating by allowing this sort of behavior in my home. I sent her packing. She chose rehab instead of the street, begged me to come back home.
I ignored her pleas and focused on myself and my children. Working full time and managing 2 children seemed impossible. A lot of things were impractical but I worked really hard and made things practical for us. I saw that it was impractical to live my life, relying on someone who could any minute leave me and the kids high and dry. I couldn't manage my life with that sort of unpredictability present.
I have since reconciled with her, only after she demonstrated that she was serious in her recovery. It only works for me now because my situation, my home doesn't hinge on her relapsing. I set boundaries, said them once and am prepared to follow through. I also attend nar anon meetings frequently. They keep me grounded and help me deal with confusion and anger. I expect nothing, and live for my children and myself.
My partner's crack addiction ripped my family apart. Tore it up from the inside out. That's just what addiction does.
I only want to share my experience with you. Take what you will. Leave the rest.
When my partner was active in her addiction she did all the same things. She was loving towards me and our children. She behaved the majority of times, was an awesome mother and showed me a lot of affection. She really wanted to do the family thing. Unfortunately she didn't want to stop using either. Just like your wife, it wasn't frequent use but use none the less. Her binges, when those "demons" kicked in were horrifying to say the least. I stomached so many of them because they were infrequent.
As time progressed I realized the danger I was creating by allowing this sort of behavior in my home. I sent her packing. She chose rehab instead of the street, begged me to come back home.
I ignored her pleas and focused on myself and my children. Working full time and managing 2 children seemed impossible. A lot of things were impractical but I worked really hard and made things practical for us. I saw that it was impractical to live my life, relying on someone who could any minute leave me and the kids high and dry. I couldn't manage my life with that sort of unpredictability present.
I have since reconciled with her, only after she demonstrated that she was serious in her recovery. It only works for me now because my situation, my home doesn't hinge on her relapsing. I set boundaries, said them once and am prepared to follow through. I also attend nar anon meetings frequently. They keep me grounded and help me deal with confusion and anger. I expect nothing, and live for my children and myself.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
When we are so desperate to stay with someone that we will sacrifice our most essential needs in life--security, sanity, trusting relationships, a stable home--then something is very wrong with US.
If, shaolin, you would take her right back-- no standards, no basic needs of your own being met-- if, as you say, you had no child to consider-- then you need help. You need help to find yourself again, your manhood, your integrity. When we are so desperately attached to someone that we will turn our back on ourselves, we need help.
She is NOT a great wife and mother when she's between runs. She is a constant threat and a constant danger and if her company is enjoyable and she's affectionate and loving and fun RIGHT UP TO THE POINT SHE PICKS UP THE CRACK, then in my view she is no different that a wife-beater. They're sweet, too. They're fun. They're wonderful partners and parents, too. Until they beat you to a pulp.
It appears you are in a psychological syndrome similar to that experienced by all victims of domestic violence. You are violated and abused, you make up, you tell yourself she is wonderful most of the time, you pick right up again, you get destroyed again.
This is not about her, shaolin, it is about what has happened to you. You need help to free yourself from this cycle, otherwise something terrible is likely to happen. Crack addicts are often violent, psychotic, and they do abuse children, not only spouses.
If you do not get help for yourself, you cannot blame the addict for the train wreck that will be your life. Please stay away from her and get help. Get a legal separation, full physical and legal custody of the child with supervised visitation, get yourself into minimum one year psychological counseling. Stop waiting for a crack addict to become a normal person tomorrow.
If, shaolin, you would take her right back-- no standards, no basic needs of your own being met-- if, as you say, you had no child to consider-- then you need help. You need help to find yourself again, your manhood, your integrity. When we are so desperately attached to someone that we will turn our back on ourselves, we need help.
She is NOT a great wife and mother when she's between runs. She is a constant threat and a constant danger and if her company is enjoyable and she's affectionate and loving and fun RIGHT UP TO THE POINT SHE PICKS UP THE CRACK, then in my view she is no different that a wife-beater. They're sweet, too. They're fun. They're wonderful partners and parents, too. Until they beat you to a pulp.
It appears you are in a psychological syndrome similar to that experienced by all victims of domestic violence. You are violated and abused, you make up, you tell yourself she is wonderful most of the time, you pick right up again, you get destroyed again.
This is not about her, shaolin, it is about what has happened to you. You need help to free yourself from this cycle, otherwise something terrible is likely to happen. Crack addicts are often violent, psychotic, and they do abuse children, not only spouses.
If you do not get help for yourself, you cannot blame the addict for the train wreck that will be your life. Please stay away from her and get help. Get a legal separation, full physical and legal custody of the child with supervised visitation, get yourself into minimum one year psychological counseling. Stop waiting for a crack addict to become a normal person tomorrow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Beckley wv
Posts: 26
Thanks guys. This thread has opened my eyes.
About my son....she is not his biological mother, and I have refused to allow her to adopt. I have sole, full and complete custody of my son. Me and no one else.
And that means that his safety and security rests on my shoulders alone. Because of her behavior, she really has no where else to go. Her parents and sister don't trust her. Her mom said "when I leave the house, I don't lock the doors because of the scum that is out there, I lock them because of my daughter ". I feel the same way. Because of the damn TRAUMA she has put me through, I don't trust her. At all.
I guess I'm still just stuck on her miraculously recovering. I think about how AWESOME our marriage COULD be, and I KNOW I deserve it. I have worked my ASS off to make ends meet, to make her happy, to make my FAMILY WORK. But.... This is not working. Because of my work schedule (that I HAVE to work because of the financial hole she has put me in), I only get to see my son a couple of hours a day. I'm just....so COMPLETELY SICK
About my son....she is not his biological mother, and I have refused to allow her to adopt. I have sole, full and complete custody of my son. Me and no one else.
And that means that his safety and security rests on my shoulders alone. Because of her behavior, she really has no where else to go. Her parents and sister don't trust her. Her mom said "when I leave the house, I don't lock the doors because of the scum that is out there, I lock them because of my daughter ". I feel the same way. Because of the damn TRAUMA she has put me through, I don't trust her. At all.
I guess I'm still just stuck on her miraculously recovering. I think about how AWESOME our marriage COULD be, and I KNOW I deserve it. I have worked my ASS off to make ends meet, to make her happy, to make my FAMILY WORK. But.... This is not working. Because of my work schedule (that I HAVE to work because of the financial hole she has put me in), I only get to see my son a couple of hours a day. I'm just....so COMPLETELY SICK
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 8
Hi Shaolin,
I'm in a similar place, still reeling from the crazyness in my house for the past few months. Why did I put up with it? I put up with it because I kept thinking it would stop, not because I thought it was acceptable behaviour. Now that I have had peace in my home for four full days, and I realize I could not do that again and also that if it doesn't stop this time, it won't stop. I really don't think I could take a single relapse because I cannot live in that nightmare again. I'm trying to think positively and in expectation of the great life we can build, but my mind keeps going to that place. I read above one of the posters said "I expect nothing" but I question how a person can live that way?
I'm in a similar place, still reeling from the crazyness in my house for the past few months. Why did I put up with it? I put up with it because I kept thinking it would stop, not because I thought it was acceptable behaviour. Now that I have had peace in my home for four full days, and I realize I could not do that again and also that if it doesn't stop this time, it won't stop. I really don't think I could take a single relapse because I cannot live in that nightmare again. I'm trying to think positively and in expectation of the great life we can build, but my mind keeps going to that place. I read above one of the posters said "I expect nothing" but I question how a person can live that way?
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