dk914

My ex has been living in a recovery house since november. he ended things with me in december so he could focus on himself and his recovery. i was blindsided and soo hurt by this. we have a 1 1/2 year old son together. he would come over on the weekends to see our son and we always got along pretty good. i was still always there for him if he needed somone to talk to or needed a favor, like going to the food store since he had no car. when he would come over we would sometimes end up hooking up. i told him i couldnt do it cause its messing with my head. i want more. even though he caused me so much pain, i still wanted him. i wanted the family that we have always talked about. last week he came over, we hooked up, we had a good time being together as a family. he went home and then im left alone with our son wanting more from my ex. i sit there and just wish for once he would ask to just hang out with me. i told him its getting to hard for me. he said he didnt know what to do because he was f**cked up in the head. so am i. he kept saying when he gets a chance he would call me one night so taht we can just talk about everything and figure **** out with the baby and what not. at this time i just said i cant be hanging out with him like everything is normal. im the only one geting hurt from this. well we never got to thave that talk. he came over yesterday to see the baby and of course started making moves on me. i said "no, dont do this to me. its too hard for me and messing with my head". but he has his ways of making everything seem good and normal. again, this day just felt good. it felt good to be hanging out and getting along. he eventually feel asleep and i couldnt help but go through his phone. I needed to find out the truth, even though a part of me didnt want to. in his phone I found texts to a girl from a recovery house around the block from his. they were some dirty raunchy texts and i just couldnt believe what i was reading between the two of them. i got pissed, i woke him up, scream at him, started hitting him and kicked him out. i cant believe he had the nerve to do this to me. how can you be sleeping with someone else and than come to me and play me like that. as if he didnt put me through enough pain and misery. i now feel dirty. who knows what this girl has. and i just cant get over the fact taht he can associate with a girl who he calls "a trashy *****" and the way she was talking was disgusting. he was saying it was one of his friends texting her the dirty **** but that doesnt even matter. some of the texts were sahing how he really likes her company, he asks her to come over the house (even though that is not aloud) etc. I am more hurt than I have ever been. I can only really blame myself though for letting this happen. i shouldve known better. i just kept holding onto false hope that he owuld get better and we would finally get a place of our own an be hte family we have always talked about. i told him i cant be having him over anymore to see the baby. if he wants to see our son, i will drop him off at his moms house and he can have his time there. His mom is the kind of gmom though who is always picking up our son and never lets my ex have his alone time. thats why i would have him come here to see him. Im just so hurt and lost and depressed anymore. this has been going on for way too long and i just want to be done with all of it. i just want to runaway and start over with my son. I dont even think i can ever trust another guy in my life.

Kindeyes

One of the most empowering things I did was figuring out what I can control and what I cannot. We empower ourselves or we allow others to take our own power away from us. Either way, it is a choice.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. It hurts. But now that you know the truth, you can take steps to protect yourself.

gentle hugs
ke

Hanna

This is so painful.

But please trust me when I say that one day you will be grateful that you found out. There is something better for you out there.

(((Hugs)))

Please take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve so much more than you've been getting.

-Hanna

EnglishGarden

You will get nowhere good by blaming yourself, and although you think you should have known better, you did not know better, you were easily manipulated by a master manipulator who knows how to play people, including you, and you had hopes and dreams you felt were of real value and which you did not want to give up: dreams of a solid marriage and a healthy family.

What we have to come to, eventually, is making a sane and rational decision about the kind of life we want and the type of people with whom we are willing to share that life. Many of us here drifted into relationships with addicts, we drifted into marriages and pregnancies with addicts, we drifted along when the addicts started to hurt us and our children, and then one day the drifting stopped and we hit a brick wall. Hard.

The absolute non-negotiable ingredient in any marriage or committed relationship is this: TRUST.

Do you want to be with someone you can trust? Is this man someone you can trust?

He is not.

So now, the relational, emotional part of you which has visions of a marriage and family has to step aside. And your clear logic and assertive self has to step forward.

You need to cut the cord with this man and never again be putty in his hands. You deserve more than being demeaned by a self-absorbed liar.

I suggest you find a good 12 Step meeting for codependents and go weekly for a minimum one year. It will help you find your backbone. It helped me find mine.

zoso77

Somewhere on this world, a similar scenario is playing itself out. An addict is doing what addicts do, and someone who loves that addict is learning they've been betrayed. So, you're not a fool.

And whether you realize it or not, you don't have to be his victim, either.

See, sick people gravitate towards sick people. And on that basis, it is no surprise that your AXBF has started a relationship with another addict. But after they're done tickling each others pleasure centers and the real work of being committed to each other begins, that's when it will blow up. Because addicts can only talk the talk and put on a front for so long. You put two self-seeking people together, and it's like throwing a match in a shed full of TNT.

So now you know something about him. The question for you, then, is what are you going to do with that knowledge. What I did, when I found out my AXGF had betrayed me, was begin the process of moving on almost immediately. There were some difficult moments, certainly. But after about a month, I was doing fairly well. And these days, I can chalk up her behavior as an addict being an addict (and a Borderline being a Borderline), dismiss her, and look at the whole experience as another f**king opportunity for growth.

I encourage you to find and attend a local Nar Anon/Al Anon meeting. Right now, being with people who have experienced a similar event will help you quite a bit. Keep us posted as to how you're doing.

Best,
ZoSo

RedBaron5

Just thought I would post and tell you, that you are not alone, My story is almost exactly like yours. I was betrayed as well, after walking to the end of the earth for another person. They are an addict, they don't know how to love or be faithful, or committed or the other things you deserve. The only thing you can control is your own future, take care of yourself. Zosos advice is spot on, there are 6 billion people on the planet. Time heals all wounds.

Ann

You deserve so much better than this. I know it's painful but to get past the pain you have to walk through it. On the other side is new beginnings and better days ahead. I promise.

Hugs

dk914

thank you all for your respones. it really feels great to have this website, other wise I would be completely lost. its been really hard. i know i should just forget him and move along and focus on myself but i still can't help wanting him and wanting a family with him. its hard thinking of my future and having me be a single mom. what makes it harder is that i am still living at home with my mom. me and my ex had plans to move out. It's too hard for me to move out with just me and the baby because I can not afford it at the time. I also am scared of how lonely it will be with just me and the baby. i just feel like i am so broken inside. i feel like once i take a couple steps forward and start to feel better, something comes and drags me 5 steps back and im back to being down in the dumps. i hate addiction. i hate what it has done to me and my family. UGH!!!

Hopeyougood

Addiction in general is a selfish way of living 9 times out of 10. Just as I think "cheating" is a selfish choice. Blaming yourself for either of these could drive one mad. I am sorry for you loss. I have been in relationships where infidelity was at play. I often pondered if I was in love with that person or was I in love with who I perceived that person to be. I know that doesn't help you any but I do relate to your situation. Life is bittersweet at times, but in hindsight I am def glad that I found out who those people are. At first it was very very hard, but as time allowed scars to cover the wounds the pain went away.