2things exas/ and stalking
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
2things exas/ and stalking
So, I have a couple of questions.
1. My oldest son. In his early 20's, is and ex coke addict. He was in some trouble about 6 years ago. In and out of jail ect. So he basically spent 2 years in and out of AA and NA ect... He finally quit the coke and is married with 2 beautiful girls.
Well, after coming home for the holidays and witnessing my AH behavior over thanksgiving and christmas, he finally had the nerve to say something about it about a month ago.
He told me he thinks/knows he was using. I acted like I knew but didn't really let on how much i knew. He told me over christmas when my AH husband didn't come home for the third day, "mom, you know he is going to kill himself right?" and walked out of my room. That was all he said and I had know idea he "knew". I thought he was talking about working...
Anyway, I talked to him again last night. He is worried about me and his sisters now.
I ask him about NA and aa alot. I told him "I just don't get the crazy way his mind thinks" He said I never will. It's evil and I could never understand how a drug addicts mind works.
. I try not to go into detail about anything that is going on. Just ask him about his experience ect... I am glad that our relationship has developed. we pretty much, both of us, cut each other off when he was using.
But now I kinda feel a little guilty that he is worried about me. And he knows what is going on. My AH basically raised my kids from another marriage. (he has not always been this way) Yes, we made mistakes but, he use to be a VERY involved and loving parent. (i didn't know how to deal with an AS and just kinda went into my own world. I had 4 others to raise.)
I have always wanted to keep my relationship with my kids on a Parent/kid level. Not a I'm ur buddy thing. I don't know. I just don't know that I should be talking to him. My son thinks its good that I am doing the steps. He said I think would help me understand him and what AH is doing. What do you think?? Should I be talking to him about this? I try to keep it on the down-low but obviously he is not stupid. He knows more than me!
2. I thought I was doing good. I thought I had accepted step 3. But for the past 3 days.... not so good. I have been stalking my AH. Pouring over phone and text logs. checking his computer history. (he has a porn problem also) I don't know why. I know what I will find. And, as always I find what I know is there already! It is making me crazy though. It's like all of a sudden I feel like it is MY addiction. I have the same anxiety trying not to look at his phone log that I do when I try not to smoke. UUGGHH!
I should be able just to cut him off, right? he hasn't been home for 5 days. That usually gives me relief. Because, then I don't have to deal with him, or even think about him.... but now this stalking thing again. out of nowhere it comes creeping up on me...
1. My oldest son. In his early 20's, is and ex coke addict. He was in some trouble about 6 years ago. In and out of jail ect. So he basically spent 2 years in and out of AA and NA ect... He finally quit the coke and is married with 2 beautiful girls.
Well, after coming home for the holidays and witnessing my AH behavior over thanksgiving and christmas, he finally had the nerve to say something about it about a month ago.
He told me he thinks/knows he was using. I acted like I knew but didn't really let on how much i knew. He told me over christmas when my AH husband didn't come home for the third day, "mom, you know he is going to kill himself right?" and walked out of my room. That was all he said and I had know idea he "knew". I thought he was talking about working...
Anyway, I talked to him again last night. He is worried about me and his sisters now.
I ask him about NA and aa alot. I told him "I just don't get the crazy way his mind thinks" He said I never will. It's evil and I could never understand how a drug addicts mind works.
. I try not to go into detail about anything that is going on. Just ask him about his experience ect... I am glad that our relationship has developed. we pretty much, both of us, cut each other off when he was using.
But now I kinda feel a little guilty that he is worried about me. And he knows what is going on. My AH basically raised my kids from another marriage. (he has not always been this way) Yes, we made mistakes but, he use to be a VERY involved and loving parent. (i didn't know how to deal with an AS and just kinda went into my own world. I had 4 others to raise.)
I have always wanted to keep my relationship with my kids on a Parent/kid level. Not a I'm ur buddy thing. I don't know. I just don't know that I should be talking to him. My son thinks its good that I am doing the steps. He said I think would help me understand him and what AH is doing. What do you think?? Should I be talking to him about this? I try to keep it on the down-low but obviously he is not stupid. He knows more than me!
2. I thought I was doing good. I thought I had accepted step 3. But for the past 3 days.... not so good. I have been stalking my AH. Pouring over phone and text logs. checking his computer history. (he has a porn problem also) I don't know why. I know what I will find. And, as always I find what I know is there already! It is making me crazy though. It's like all of a sudden I feel like it is MY addiction. I have the same anxiety trying not to look at his phone log that I do when I try not to smoke. UUGGHH!
I should be able just to cut him off, right? he hasn't been home for 5 days. That usually gives me relief. Because, then I don't have to deal with him, or even think about him.... but now this stalking thing again. out of nowhere it comes creeping up on me...
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh BlueHolly, I know your anxiety so well. BTDT (been there done that). When I asked my husband to move out, I eventually had to change the pw's so I couldn't look. I had the "need" to know he was still alive and what he was up to. It was crazy making at it's finest. The more I resisted, the more obsessed I became.
Then I went to my first Alanon meeting and my need slowed down. As I continued meetings, eventually I didn't think to look anymore. For me, realizing the focus needed to be on ME and not him, I began to change - and stopped my need to check up on him. But I couldn't do it alone, I needed more tools to put the focus back on me!!
Then I went to my first Alanon meeting and my need slowed down. As I continued meetings, eventually I didn't think to look anymore. For me, realizing the focus needed to be on ME and not him, I began to change - and stopped my need to check up on him. But I couldn't do it alone, I needed more tools to put the focus back on me!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
Yes, most of the time I tell myself that I am looking to reinforce what I already know. But my head is saying. "Just look. Maybe things are better. And if they are not. You will know your decision to leave is valid".... I am currently trying to plan my "escape"
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I read this the other day on the F&F of Alcholics side and I loved it!!
"I have been saying this quite a bit lately, I learned it here and it really helped.
As adults we must base our decisions on FACTS and not emotions.
Yes, our head and heart can get in a tug of war.
Choose/listen your mind (head) it's far more advanced.
Listening to our heart, is a recipe for disaster."
"I have been saying this quite a bit lately, I learned it here and it really helped.
As adults we must base our decisions on FACTS and not emotions.
Yes, our head and heart can get in a tug of war.
Choose/listen your mind (head) it's far more advanced.
Listening to our heart, is a recipe for disaster."
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
blueholly - you KNOW what you KNOW. you have all the evidence you need. you don't need MORE to validate your decision....you have permission to do whatever you NEED to in order to escape the insanity of addiction and the incessant violation of trust and respect that you have suffered.
facts are that not only is it as bad as you know and suspect, it's by far worse than you can probably conceive. so it would behoove you to put your energies to your escape plan rather than distracting yourself digging into the ugliness of his life.
by the way....i've snooped too. i've stalked. i've obsessed. ain't no fun.
facts are that not only is it as bad as you know and suspect, it's by far worse than you can probably conceive. so it would behoove you to put your energies to your escape plan rather than distracting yourself digging into the ugliness of his life.
by the way....i've snooped too. i've stalked. i've obsessed. ain't no fun.
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