calling all mammas! I have a question for you
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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calling all mammas! I have a question for you
Ok, so Ive had this crazy epiphany. I went to support group for autism moms tonight, because I felt that going to a meeting would make me focus on the addicts, and I kinda wanna block them out.
OMG! I have enabled my son in his disability for years up until I started this whole fixing myself thing. Ive protected him from consequences because of his disability. Ive enabled it. Coddled him, never encouraged him to stand on his two feet. I still feel buying him the tablet was a good thing, because with the activities it has it will teach him.
I get all caught up in trying to fix him. But at the same time, I put his shoes on for him instead of making him wrestle with them for half an hour by himself because its more convenient. I choose his clothes instead of allowing him to make his own decisions.
Sometimes he truly is just being insubordinate with his behavior.
Hmmmmm..... codependency does reach more than just those with addicts.... or do I do this because I am already codependent? Some moms in the group, its just a bible study really, just a group of mammas hanging out swapping stories and ideas, that maybe we should do the 12 steps... but in stead of being powerless over addiction.... we really are powerless over autism and MR.... just rambling, but Im curious to see what your opinions are.
OMG! I have enabled my son in his disability for years up until I started this whole fixing myself thing. Ive protected him from consequences because of his disability. Ive enabled it. Coddled him, never encouraged him to stand on his two feet. I still feel buying him the tablet was a good thing, because with the activities it has it will teach him.
I get all caught up in trying to fix him. But at the same time, I put his shoes on for him instead of making him wrestle with them for half an hour by himself because its more convenient. I choose his clothes instead of allowing him to make his own decisions.
Sometimes he truly is just being insubordinate with his behavior.
Hmmmmm..... codependency does reach more than just those with addicts.... or do I do this because I am already codependent? Some moms in the group, its just a bible study really, just a group of mammas hanging out swapping stories and ideas, that maybe we should do the 12 steps... but in stead of being powerless over addiction.... we really are powerless over autism and MR.... just rambling, but Im curious to see what your opinions are.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lily, don't beat yourself up girl, it is very hard to deal with an autistic child and you have been doing the best you can. When we know better, we do better and you have just taken a giant leap forward.
I have been codependent all my life. My codependency is based on fear of bad things happening to people I love. I hover, I over-coddle, I do for them what they could and should do for themselves. My son's addiction just triggered the worst in me and took my codependency to an extreme level of dysfunction.
As a mama and as someone who had to "change", I can tell you that when we first begin to change, those who are dependent on us may fight back, pushing all our buttons trying to get us to give in as we set boundaries. Once we have established ourselves and our new rules for living...things and people fall into place. Funny how when we give up control of others, we get control of ourselves.
Let your son do for himself what he can. The tablet was a wonderful opportunity for him to begin to express himself...it just may not all be good to start with, lol, he's got years of frustration to let out.
I am glad the meeting helped you, and in turn it will help your son by allowing him the opportunity to grow and learn.
Hugs
I have been codependent all my life. My codependency is based on fear of bad things happening to people I love. I hover, I over-coddle, I do for them what they could and should do for themselves. My son's addiction just triggered the worst in me and took my codependency to an extreme level of dysfunction.
As a mama and as someone who had to "change", I can tell you that when we first begin to change, those who are dependent on us may fight back, pushing all our buttons trying to get us to give in as we set boundaries. Once we have established ourselves and our new rules for living...things and people fall into place. Funny how when we give up control of others, we get control of ourselves.
Let your son do for himself what he can. The tablet was a wonderful opportunity for him to begin to express himself...it just may not all be good to start with, lol, he's got years of frustration to let out.
I am glad the meeting helped you, and in turn it will help your son by allowing him the opportunity to grow and learn.
Hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
We are powerless over many things....not just addiction. I am also a lifelong codependent. It didn't just happen when my son became addicted. I was codependent long before he was born. But addiction brought out the very worst of the codependent in me. We can only change what we are aware of and codependents, by nature, don't do what they do with mal intent. In fact, just the opposite. We believe with all our hearts that we are doing the best thing....the right thing....even when we enable. When we know better, we do better.
Your son is very lucky to have a mother who loves him as much as you do. Your thread on getting him the tablet was so touching. I don't think that was enabling (if that's what you're thinking). It sounds like that tablet gives him a new sense of freedom. It's tough being the mother of an addict. But I'm sure it's tough to be the mother of an autistic child too. We love them......always.
gentle hugs
ke
Your son is very lucky to have a mother who loves him as much as you do. Your thread on getting him the tablet was so touching. I don't think that was enabling (if that's what you're thinking). It sounds like that tablet gives him a new sense of freedom. It's tough being the mother of an addict. But I'm sure it's tough to be the mother of an autistic child too. We love them......always.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
We do the best that we can with what we have at the time, dear.
The hardest place to work my recovery was in my own home with both of my girls. I still struggle from time to time even though they are grown and gone, but recognize my "enabling" behaviors a lot quicker.
Your new insight is a true sign of your progression in your own recovery. I'm proud of you! Sending you hugs of support!
The hardest place to work my recovery was in my own home with both of my girls. I still struggle from time to time even though they are grown and gone, but recognize my "enabling" behaviors a lot quicker.
Your new insight is a true sign of your progression in your own recovery. I'm proud of you! Sending you hugs of support!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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The book codependent no more talks about this.
I was already codependent when my son was born, but in reaction to his disability it just spiraled out of control. Toss in an addict and everything really went to the toilet.
That being said... Im grateful that our paths crossed. You see... I had not even heard the term codependency until the rehab sent me to al anon months ago.
we can all go NC from an addict, even if they are a child, but this is different. The only answer to go NC from my son would be to give him up for adoption. Not gunna happen. Period. Soooo.... the autism is similar to an addiction in many ways. I didnt cause it. I cannot control it or change it. I cannot cure it. It will always be there. It is very similar to living with an active addict. I hope I dont sound offensive. Please bear with me.
There are many kinds of enabling in this disorder. I cannot control the tantrums, but I can control my response to them. I can encourage recovery in things like seeking professional help, buying the tablet, and refusing to do for my son whatever he can already do for himself
Oh WOW. my addict was a blessing in disguise. If he finds recovery, great. But if he doesn't I truly and firmly believe that he was allowed by my HP into my life to show me my codependency so that I can really help my son, and to give me coping tools I need to really encourage recovery from his lifelong battle he will be facing and to stop enabling the autism. Holy crap!!! When I first read the book I was so enmeshed in D I totally skimmed over the little references about people who are care givers to those with disabilities.
God is so good. Just like Laura Story says, " what if trials of this life, the rain the storms the hardest nights... are your mercies in disguise"
I was already codependent when my son was born, but in reaction to his disability it just spiraled out of control. Toss in an addict and everything really went to the toilet.
That being said... Im grateful that our paths crossed. You see... I had not even heard the term codependency until the rehab sent me to al anon months ago.
we can all go NC from an addict, even if they are a child, but this is different. The only answer to go NC from my son would be to give him up for adoption. Not gunna happen. Period. Soooo.... the autism is similar to an addiction in many ways. I didnt cause it. I cannot control it or change it. I cannot cure it. It will always be there. It is very similar to living with an active addict. I hope I dont sound offensive. Please bear with me.
There are many kinds of enabling in this disorder. I cannot control the tantrums, but I can control my response to them. I can encourage recovery in things like seeking professional help, buying the tablet, and refusing to do for my son whatever he can already do for himself
Oh WOW. my addict was a blessing in disguise. If he finds recovery, great. But if he doesn't I truly and firmly believe that he was allowed by my HP into my life to show me my codependency so that I can really help my son, and to give me coping tools I need to really encourage recovery from his lifelong battle he will be facing and to stop enabling the autism. Holy crap!!! When I first read the book I was so enmeshed in D I totally skimmed over the little references about people who are care givers to those with disabilities.
God is so good. Just like Laura Story says, " what if trials of this life, the rain the storms the hardest nights... are your mercies in disguise"
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
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Lily1918: I agree with Freedom 1990, "We do the best that we can with what we have at the time, dear."
I understand your point as to knowing that you'll need to provide guidance and support for your son. He's in good hands with you as his mom.
I understand your point as to knowing that you'll need to provide guidance and support for your son. He's in good hands with you as his mom.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Lily
Your last post gave me goosebumps and caused me to tear up a bit. The love you have for your son rings clearly through your words. I do believe that my son's addiction had been such a great life lesson for me. I often say that I will NEVER be grateful that my beautiful son is a drug addict but I will be eternally grateful for the lessons I have learned as a direct result of his addiction.
God does hand us some strangely wrapped gifts.......it makes me wonder how many times he might have done it in my past and I didn't see them. I hope my eyes will be open for those gifts in the future. Your son got a better Momma as a result of your bf's addiction. That's a pretty strangely wrapped gift.......and I am so glad that you were able to see it as such.
Your son is so lucky to have such a loving mother. Your post helped me see deeper how everyone around us are challenged in some way........
gentle hugs
ke
Your last post gave me goosebumps and caused me to tear up a bit. The love you have for your son rings clearly through your words. I do believe that my son's addiction had been such a great life lesson for me. I often say that I will NEVER be grateful that my beautiful son is a drug addict but I will be eternally grateful for the lessons I have learned as a direct result of his addiction.
God does hand us some strangely wrapped gifts.......it makes me wonder how many times he might have done it in my past and I didn't see them. I hope my eyes will be open for those gifts in the future. Your son got a better Momma as a result of your bf's addiction. That's a pretty strangely wrapped gift.......and I am so glad that you were able to see it as such.
Your son is so lucky to have such a loving mother. Your post helped me see deeper how everyone around us are challenged in some way........
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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WOW (((((Lily)))))
That last post of yours made my heart smile and my eyes to weep with joy!!!!!!!
You have come a very LONG WAY my friend. Your growth is awe inspiring. I believe HP has given your son the VERY BEST MOMMY a boy could have!!!!!!!
Just like with your addict, we are all walking with you in spirit as you find new and wonderful ways to interact and react to your son!!
Love and hugs,
That last post of yours made my heart smile and my eyes to weep with joy!!!!!!!
You have come a very LONG WAY my friend. Your growth is awe inspiring. I believe HP has given your son the VERY BEST MOMMY a boy could have!!!!!!!
Just like with your addict, we are all walking with you in spirit as you find new and wonderful ways to interact and react to your son!!
Love and hugs,
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi Lily
I always say that my son (who has autism) has taught me much more about myself and about life that I will ever teach him.
It is often difficult when raising a special needs child to tease out what behaviors need to be corrected and how. It is easy to assign all of my son's inappropriate behavior to his autism, but it's just not so. He can be defiant just like any other 15 year old boy.
I have always pushed my son to do whatever he is capable of doing. When he would scream to get something, I never gave it to him until he would ask for it (first with a PEC, later with words) 99% of the time I knew what he wanted, but I made him communicate. Not always pretty, as you know.
Pushing my boys to do for themselves sometimes takes an excruciating amount of patience and time, and there are times I have not near enough of either. With my son who has autism it has especially paid off though. As far as self-care and general responsibilities, he is equal to his same age brothers (he's a triplet). He does not need to be "fixed", because he is fine just exactly as he is, but he does need to be pushed, as do his typically developing brothers, to reach his own personal potential.
I cannot reiterate to you enough how different my son's autism looks at 15 than it did at 4. He has reached milestones I never thought possible. You will see the same too, sweet mamma, I know you will. xo
I always say that my son (who has autism) has taught me much more about myself and about life that I will ever teach him.
It is often difficult when raising a special needs child to tease out what behaviors need to be corrected and how. It is easy to assign all of my son's inappropriate behavior to his autism, but it's just not so. He can be defiant just like any other 15 year old boy.
I have always pushed my son to do whatever he is capable of doing. When he would scream to get something, I never gave it to him until he would ask for it (first with a PEC, later with words) 99% of the time I knew what he wanted, but I made him communicate. Not always pretty, as you know.
Pushing my boys to do for themselves sometimes takes an excruciating amount of patience and time, and there are times I have not near enough of either. With my son who has autism it has especially paid off though. As far as self-care and general responsibilities, he is equal to his same age brothers (he's a triplet). He does not need to be "fixed", because he is fine just exactly as he is, but he does need to be pushed, as do his typically developing brothers, to reach his own personal potential.
I cannot reiterate to you enough how different my son's autism looks at 15 than it did at 4. He has reached milestones I never thought possible. You will see the same too, sweet mamma, I know you will.
xo
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Listening to many say that they are "lifelong codependents" have left me questioning whether or not I have always had the tendencies, or if my daughter truly brought them out in me. Very interesting, wish I knew how to figure it out!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Hey Julez
I'll start a thread about this topic and give you some of my thoughts and perhaps others can jump in too. That way I won't highjack this thread.
See the post titled "lifelong codependent".
gentle hugs
ke
I'll start a thread about this topic and give you some of my thoughts and perhaps others can jump in too. That way I won't highjack this thread.
See the post titled "lifelong codependent".
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
Hey Julez
I'll start a thread about this topic and give you some of my thoughts and perhaps others can jump in too. That way I won't highjack this thread.
See the post titled "lifelong codependent".
gentle hugs
ke
I'll start a thread about this topic and give you some of my thoughts and perhaps others can jump in too. That way I won't highjack this thread.
See the post titled "lifelong codependent".
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by soberlicious
Hi Lily
I always say that my son (who has autism) has taught me much more about myself and about life that I will ever teach him.
It is often difficult when raising a special needs child to tease out what behaviors need to be corrected and how. It is easy to assign all of my son's inappropriate behavior to his autism, but it's just not so. He can be defiant just like any other 15 year old boy.
I have always pushed my son to do whatever he is capable of doing. When he would scream to get something, I never gave it to him until he would ask for it (first with a PEC, later with words) 99% of the time I knew what he wanted, but I made him communicate. Not always pretty, as you know.
Pushing my boys to do for themselves sometimes takes an excruciating amount of patience and time, and there are times I have not near enough of either. With my son who has autism it has especially paid off though. As far as self-care and general responsibilities, he is equal to his same age brothers (he's a triplet). He does not need to be "fixed", because he is fine just exactly as he is, but he does need to be pushed, as do his typically developing brothers, to reach his own personal potential.
I cannot reiterate to you enough how different my son's autism looks at 15 than it did at 4. He has reached milestones I never thought possible. You will see the same too, sweet mamma, I know you will. xo
I always say that my son (who has autism) has taught me much more about myself and about life that I will ever teach him.
It is often difficult when raising a special needs child to tease out what behaviors need to be corrected and how. It is easy to assign all of my son's inappropriate behavior to his autism, but it's just not so. He can be defiant just like any other 15 year old boy.
I have always pushed my son to do whatever he is capable of doing. When he would scream to get something, I never gave it to him until he would ask for it (first with a PEC, later with words) 99% of the time I knew what he wanted, but I made him communicate. Not always pretty, as you know.
Pushing my boys to do for themselves sometimes takes an excruciating amount of patience and time, and there are times I have not near enough of either. With my son who has autism it has especially paid off though. As far as self-care and general responsibilities, he is equal to his same age brothers (he's a triplet). He does not need to be "fixed", because he is fine just exactly as he is, but he does need to be pushed, as do his typically developing brothers, to reach his own personal potential.
I cannot reiterate to you enough how different my son's autism looks at 15 than it did at 4. He has reached milestones I never thought possible. You will see the same too, sweet mamma, I know you will.
xo
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