lovinmybaby

I am new to all of this. Im not sure what to do. i have never been with someone who was in the 12 step program before and what makes it harder is that i wasnt with him when his addiction took over his life. he has been one yr sober from drugs. I have honestly never been with anyone who was sober. we have been together for about 4 months now and i have noticed that when he has started doing his steps things between us had started to change he has become alot more distant with me. And it feels like no matter what i do or how hard i try nothing seems to help. idk what to do. He tells me that he still does love me he just dont know what he wants. i was just wondering if this could all be part of emotional toll that actually doing the 12 steps can take on someone. i dont want to leave him. i guess im just wondering if anyone else who is an non addict who is with an addict has been through this. I feel bad cuz i honestly dont know what he is going through.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR. I hope the forum can be of good support to you.

I was married many years ago to an alcoholic who tried to stay sober but could not manage abstinence for more than a few months. And I also had a confusing, painful relationship with a drug addict who was in recovery but who perhaps relapsed after an accident. I am not sure, we are not in touch. He withdrew and I withdrew.

There is a term I picked up in my readings on codependents and addicts and it is called the "emotional chase." This describes what happens when the addict--for whatever reason, using, relapsing, emotional disorder, psychological disorder, immaturity--is not direct and honest about what he feels or what his expectations and needs are in relationship, but instead avoids. Runs. In one way or another, he runs.

The codependent, who often is emotionally insecure, panics. Many codependents have fears of rejection, abandonment, and low-self-worth. When the addict-- who has not developed himself over time to be able to meet another person ready for a mature relationship-- begins to withdraw, it can increase the codependent's efforts to connect, and while he is withdrawing more and more, she is pursuing with even greater intensity.

Then what can happen is the relationship between them is further damaged by issues of control and issues of trust. He feels controlled by her, she feels he has all the control. She doesn't trust him because he's withdrawing from her, he doesn't trust her because he thinks she wants to mold him into her version of the man she wants him to be.

It is all a mess by this point.

You can avoid that mess. It may sound impossible to do, but my suggestion is to stop pursuing him. My suggestion is to try as best you can to respect his right to make the choices he feels he needs to, and to yourself widen your contacts with other people. You will be resistant to the idea that four months is precious little time to truly develop an honest relationship with someone. But it is. In the first months of dating, we are intoxicated by the experience of romance, our hearts are full, are dreams are boundless, and we live in a dream. It is part of life, this period of romantic joy and wonder. But it is not the core foundation of what a relationship is, which is the mutual and equal regard of two people for each other, one not controlling the other in any way, overtly or covertly. This takes time and time and time. Nothing else builds a relationship but time.

If he has not the time, or does not want to give the time, to doing this, then to avoid the emotional chase scene, it would be best for your dignity and your inherent grace to at least lower the intensity level and the need of him. If you find this very hard to do, there are support groups like Codependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics or some Al-Anon meetings which have a greater proportion of young adults in them which can offer you support and help you get your head where it needs to be.

Many here understand your struggle.

lovinmybaby

i totally understand what u are saying. One thing that i didnt mention in the post was that we were good friends for almost 3 yrs before we started dating. I know he is going through alot emotionally right now and he is getting better at talking to me about his problems. i feel like he is ashamed of what he had done to the ppl he cared the most about and that it is something that is very hard for him to talk about. I know some of the mistakes that he had made when he was not sober. I feel like this is not the time to walk away from him but to maybe take a few steps back emotionally. I dont want him to feel like i am pressuring him to do or be something he is not. thats not the case at all and neither on of us feel that we have nor want to control the other. I just didnt know if the whole pushing away was all part of the recovery process or not.

pianogirl1193

When my XABF was getting sober, he sort of distanced himself also. Well, we were living in different cities (2 hours away) because he was in a halfway house working a program, so the long distance was one reason. He was doing really well....I began to get sad/frustrated because it seemed like he never had time to talk to me. We stayed together through this time (it's what we both wanted) but I had to realize that he was very busy, going to meetings, working full time, doing stuff at the house... he was giving everything to his recovery. I eventually got used to it and accepted that he needed to focus on himself. Recovery does take a lot of hard work.

I don't know...I guess maybe you should try to have a really honest conversation with him. Maybe he does need "space" and time to just work on himself..just be friends for awhile. Or maybe he wants to stay together but you just need to realize that he has to put his recovery first. Everyone's different! But that was my experience.

lovinmybaby

Thank you after joining this group and reading other post i finally got the courage to really talk to him. alot of questions were answered and alot werent. i cant predict the future but all i can say now is that if me and him are really going to work then it has to be something that we both want and something that we both have to work at. i think the plus with him is that i do understand that his recovery is the most important thing. i dont expect him to put that aside for me. But at the same time i would like to know how he truly feels and have him feel open and honest with me like he was before we started our relationship and were just friends. i havent changed as a person. i understand what he is going through isnt easy but i dont want him to feel like he need to shut me out and push me away. All i can do know that he knows how i truly feel is just keep doing what im doing and give him space if that is truly what he needs and hope for the best. and if thing end up not working out well at least i know we tried and it just wasnt ment to be. Once again thank you all for all the insite