Civil assist
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Arlington
Posts: 3
Civil assist
My 21 year old heroin addicted daughter recently went to rehab in another state. After completing 3 weeks of a 90 day program, she snapped and had her boyfriend send her a plane ticket and left. We told her that if she chose to leave, we would not support her any more. She is now living with her boyfriend and we haven't seen or spoken to her for two months. She called tonight and said she was going to get a civil assist order to enter our house and get her belongings. Of course we do not want her to have anything because she will most likely sell them,and we want her to hit her bottom soon. She claims to be happy and says we chose not not see her anymore. Tough love is tough! What should we do about her clothes? Apparently she can enter our home with a drivers lincense with our address. Any advice?
Scared sally
Scared sally
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 76
Well if she gets a civil assist order she'll still have to do it when it's convenient for you. I would also have her have the police come watch...they'll probably giver her 15- 30 minutes if that to get her stuff and leave. Don't you love how they try to strong arm us.
I am sorry you are dealing with this, it is so miserably heartbreaking dealing with addiction!!!! I don't know if I will ever understand drug addiction I just know I "flipping" hate drugs and what it does to our kids.
It is soooo hard to let go of our emotions, you are so right tough love is tough.
All I have is the power of prayer and I cry out to the LORD every day that our son will have the desire to choose daily to overcome this devil.
He has escaped death many times.
I will be praying for your child and mine.
I am sorry you are dealing with this, it is so miserably heartbreaking dealing with addiction!!!! I don't know if I will ever understand drug addiction I just know I "flipping" hate drugs and what it does to our kids.
It is soooo hard to let go of our emotions, you are so right tough love is tough.
All I have is the power of prayer and I cry out to the LORD every day that our son will have the desire to choose daily to overcome this devil.
He has escaped death many times.
I will be praying for your child and mine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Arlington
Posts: 3
Prayers
Thank you for your reply. I miss her so much, but the person I spoke to tonight was not my sweet girl. Although she has been an addict for a while, we have only known about her addiction for a year. During the last year, and after two rehab stints, she constantly tested clean, so I thought she was! She fooled me and created a relationship with me that I thought was genuine, but heroin was still on her shoulder. I can't believe that a child so loved could be in this situation. Sometimes I wish I would just wake up from this nightmare. She always said at NA meetings they prayed for those who took their first hit and those that took their last. I will pray for your son and all the sons and daughters addicted. I'm glad I found this site as it comforts me to know I'm not alone in this struggle.
ScaredSally
ScaredSally
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
If the belongings are hers, then they are hers. I don’t care who paid, if it was gifts, if it was labeled her stuff then it is her stuff, give it to her, and let her be the one to choose what she does with her things. If she sells it all, it is on her, if she doesn’t well good for her. Either way she must live with the consequences of her actions. You holding her things hostage is you enabling her, saving her from the normal progression of the disease.
You can not save her from a bottom nor can you force one. You can though allow her to live her life as she chooses and pray lots that she learns from her mistakes and is able to see what heroin is taking from her sooner rather than later.
My son sold almost everything he owed, and guess what he had ever right too, it was his. We do not play head games with our children even if they try to play them with us.
Oh and no offence this isn’t tough love. Tough love is getting tough on us, for example, no enabling, no excuse making, no cushions, no rescues, no saving.…and just loving them.
She is 21, welcome to adulthood, she is old enough to take care of herself and find a way. She already proved she can find ways to get what she wants in the moment when she left rehab. Don’t ever think she isn’t capable. She can even find a way back and will when she is ready.
I will keep her in my prayers.
You can not save her from a bottom nor can you force one. You can though allow her to live her life as she chooses and pray lots that she learns from her mistakes and is able to see what heroin is taking from her sooner rather than later.
My son sold almost everything he owed, and guess what he had ever right too, it was his. We do not play head games with our children even if they try to play them with us.
Oh and no offence this isn’t tough love. Tough love is getting tough on us, for example, no enabling, no excuse making, no cushions, no rescues, no saving.…and just loving them.
She is 21, welcome to adulthood, she is old enough to take care of herself and find a way. She already proved she can find ways to get what she wants in the moment when she left rehab. Don’t ever think she isn’t capable. She can even find a way back and will when she is ready.
I will keep her in my prayers.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR. However, I am very sorry for the reasons you are here!
I KNOW how hard it is to give her back her belongings especially when they may get sold. But in my attempts to "hang on" to my loved ones things, I was still trying to control them and their life. Letting go can be be very freeing, if you allow it to be!
My prayers are with us all!
I KNOW how hard it is to give her back her belongings especially when they may get sold. But in my attempts to "hang on" to my loved ones things, I was still trying to control them and their life. Letting go can be be very freeing, if you allow it to be!
My prayers are with us all!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your attempting to hold onto her clothes is not going to change a thing. Pack them up, set up a time frame and put them on the front porch or in the garage.
She is an adult, she will make her own choices, what you want and what she wants are entirely two different things. When and if she is ready for recovery, she will seek the program on her own, stop using, and follow through...until then, nothing will change, you cannot control her.
Are you attending Naranon meetings? They may help you to understand this disease that has engulfed your daughter.
So very sorry that you are having to deal with this.
She is an adult, she will make her own choices, what you want and what she wants are entirely two different things. When and if she is ready for recovery, she will seek the program on her own, stop using, and follow through...until then, nothing will change, you cannot control her.
Are you attending Naranon meetings? They may help you to understand this disease that has engulfed your daughter.
So very sorry that you are having to deal with this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello, another Mamma weighing in. I have to agree with everyone, let her take her things. This addiction is driving all of her choices and sometimes when allowed,they do reach the end of the rope. As a parent, it is the most heartbreaking thing to see your child homeless, shoeless, clothesless (if thats a word LOL) and still they continue to choose the drug. My backstory is one of my son continuing to choose the worst life but it is HIS life. He just turned 23 yesterday and is sitting in jail alone. That is due to his choices to continue to abuse drugs. Stay strong and please understand that your daughter knows you love her and when the time comes, she will know who to turn to.
I will pray for our children and God's plan for their lives.
Hugs,
Teresa
I will pray for our children and God's plan for their lives.
Hugs,
Teresa
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....you are not alone. There are many mothers (and fathers) here on SR who understand the anguish of watching our beautiful (adult) children make self destructive choices and wind up with powerful addictions to powerful drugs.
It's hard to believe that any child raised in a loving, moral, honest, law abiding, hard working home can grow up and become an addict. We think that it only happens to children growing up in a poor environment who are neglected and/or abused. It just proves how indescriminate addiction is....just like any disease.....
One of the things I have learned about this disease is that they will only choose to seek sobriety when they are good and ready.....and not a moment sooner. Holding on to her possessions is a means of trying to force a solution or control her disease. You are going to do whatever you think is best in your situation and i am not going to offer you specific advice on your situation. I will share my experience, strength and hope as others have done for me.
I have found that any measure of attempted control over my addicted son usually backfired on me. I was doing something in anticipation of a specific outcome.......and eventually I had to let go. It was either let go or be dragged.....and believe me, this disease dragged me for a very long time. I was in a tug-o-war with addiction......and addiction was definitely winning.....and threatening to take me down too.
It's hard to watch our children lose everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING). All of my son's possessions are gone....either lost, stolen, pawned or impounded. All of his relationships with his family....destoyed.....he lost his son.....and as a result, I lost my grandson. He lost his car. He was homeless. He had nothing left. Nothing. And that is what eventually allowed him to hit his bottom and he sought treatment on his own. (We had put him through 2 inpatient treatment and 2 intensive out patient treatment programs throughout the years.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand your anguish. It is very difficult being the parent of an addict. I found comfort and a great degree of relief by attending Nar-Anon and Al-Anon. I worked the program I wished my son would. I worked those 12 steps like my life depended on it. It did.
My son's struggles are not over. They are just beginning as he puts his life back together. He is now almost four months clean but this just a drop in the bucket compared to the years he has spent tumbling in his addiction. He has our support but we are quite "hands off" as he goes through his long term treatment. I have learned that support is being something...not doing something.
I am learning to take care of me first.....and standing back and allowing him to learn those same lessons.
Again.....welcome to SR. There's a whole posse of Moms who will walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
It's hard to believe that any child raised in a loving, moral, honest, law abiding, hard working home can grow up and become an addict. We think that it only happens to children growing up in a poor environment who are neglected and/or abused. It just proves how indescriminate addiction is....just like any disease.....
One of the things I have learned about this disease is that they will only choose to seek sobriety when they are good and ready.....and not a moment sooner. Holding on to her possessions is a means of trying to force a solution or control her disease. You are going to do whatever you think is best in your situation and i am not going to offer you specific advice on your situation. I will share my experience, strength and hope as others have done for me.
I have found that any measure of attempted control over my addicted son usually backfired on me. I was doing something in anticipation of a specific outcome.......and eventually I had to let go. It was either let go or be dragged.....and believe me, this disease dragged me for a very long time. I was in a tug-o-war with addiction......and addiction was definitely winning.....and threatening to take me down too.
It's hard to watch our children lose everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING). All of my son's possessions are gone....either lost, stolen, pawned or impounded. All of his relationships with his family....destoyed.....he lost his son.....and as a result, I lost my grandson. He lost his car. He was homeless. He had nothing left. Nothing. And that is what eventually allowed him to hit his bottom and he sought treatment on his own. (We had put him through 2 inpatient treatment and 2 intensive out patient treatment programs throughout the years.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand your anguish. It is very difficult being the parent of an addict. I found comfort and a great degree of relief by attending Nar-Anon and Al-Anon. I worked the program I wished my son would. I worked those 12 steps like my life depended on it. It did.
My son's struggles are not over. They are just beginning as he puts his life back together. He is now almost four months clean but this just a drop in the bucket compared to the years he has spent tumbling in his addiction. He has our support but we are quite "hands off" as he goes through his long term treatment. I have learned that support is being something...not doing something.
I am learning to take care of me first.....and standing back and allowing him to learn those same lessons.
Again.....welcome to SR. There's a whole posse of Moms who will walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Another momma here.
Think of it this way... the clothes represent another tie that is severed. It might just make her feel more impact of her choices that you are willing to cut that last rope and allow her boat to drift. Know what I mean? I think (maybe a) part of why she is contacting you about her things is that she is expecting a reaction from you...she wants your attention. She is probably somewhat disbelieving that you have stood firm in your boundary and so she's stirring up the pot to see what comes up.
Granted, I don't know her or your family. This is just what my AS (22 yo) does when he is experiencing the isolation his addiction has caused. He doesn't like it one bit but apparently he's getting used to it -- just like they make all kinds of other adjustments to their standards and values along the way. I always have to remind myself: "This is what he chooses. It's his life and he is allowed to choose."
I get to make choices too.
Bless you as you struggle today. (((Hugs)))
Think of it this way... the clothes represent another tie that is severed. It might just make her feel more impact of her choices that you are willing to cut that last rope and allow her boat to drift. Know what I mean? I think (maybe a) part of why she is contacting you about her things is that she is expecting a reaction from you...she wants your attention. She is probably somewhat disbelieving that you have stood firm in your boundary and so she's stirring up the pot to see what comes up.
Granted, I don't know her or your family. This is just what my AS (22 yo) does when he is experiencing the isolation his addiction has caused. He doesn't like it one bit but apparently he's getting used to it -- just like they make all kinds of other adjustments to their standards and values along the way. I always have to remind myself: "This is what he chooses. It's his life and he is allowed to choose."
I get to make choices too.
Bless you as you struggle today. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Scaredsally: Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. There are a bunch of posse mamas and posse papas here who have gone through what you are going through now. I am one of them.
My advice mirrors the above. Letting her have her clothes is not enabling her. And that goes for her material things, too, that are hers. It is heartbreaking knowing that most of what she has will be left here and left there during the course of her drug use, but it is something she needs to experience. (Perhaps you could hold back some of the things like the 100-year-old family heirloom, etc). Think of it this way - by refusing to give these to her and making her go through the hassle of legal help, you are putting a resentment in her that will fuel many an episode of drug use! Perhaps, if you can, when she picks up her things, you can say to her, in the most loving of ways, that she is loved by you and that you will help her in any way you can should she decide to seek recovery (that does not mean your money, BTW). The important thing that you have done is put up a personal border that says you will not live with someone who is actively using drugs/alcohol.
Stay strong, Scaredsally, and keep coming back! Your grasp of what your daughter needs is awesome!
My advice mirrors the above. Letting her have her clothes is not enabling her. And that goes for her material things, too, that are hers. It is heartbreaking knowing that most of what she has will be left here and left there during the course of her drug use, but it is something she needs to experience. (Perhaps you could hold back some of the things like the 100-year-old family heirloom, etc). Think of it this way - by refusing to give these to her and making her go through the hassle of legal help, you are putting a resentment in her that will fuel many an episode of drug use! Perhaps, if you can, when she picks up her things, you can say to her, in the most loving of ways, that she is loved by you and that you will help her in any way you can should she decide to seek recovery (that does not mean your money, BTW). The important thing that you have done is put up a personal border that says you will not live with someone who is actively using drugs/alcohol.
Stay strong, Scaredsally, and keep coming back! Your grasp of what your daughter needs is awesome!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Another mother of a RAD (heroin) weighing in here...I agree with everyone else. Call her and let her have her stuff without using the police, if possible. Make it as peaceful and as loving as you can. That is what she needs now from you--not a fight or a pushback. It is hard to recognize our children in addiction. It seems like aliens are inhabiting their bodies. Just let her have her stuff. She will fall, or not, but it is hers to do either way. I did not let my daughter live at home after 28 days of rehab. But I did let her come get her things. I try to envision what kind of relationship I want every time I interact with her now--I try to let go of fear, resentment, and frustration. It is slowly working.
Have you been to NarAnon meetings? I highly recommend them. They are full of parents of addicts, many of whom have success stories and experience that will really help you. Also, I recommend that you read Beautiful Boy by David Scheff, if you haven't already. Your comment about the relationship she formed with you (while still using) reminded me of the book and of what I had with my daughter. The good was still there between you--she wants something good and loving, but her addiction is in charge right now. You can be loving without caving to your own boundaries. She will see that as genuine love and remember it. My girl did. And I am really grateful we have a relationship today. We went through some really awful times. Try not to exacerbate the bad right now. Work your recovery and you will find some peace in all this insanity, I promise.
Take care, and keep in touch. There are so many parents here who support and care. We are walking along the same road together.
Have you been to NarAnon meetings? I highly recommend them. They are full of parents of addicts, many of whom have success stories and experience that will really help you. Also, I recommend that you read Beautiful Boy by David Scheff, if you haven't already. Your comment about the relationship she formed with you (while still using) reminded me of the book and of what I had with my daughter. The good was still there between you--she wants something good and loving, but her addiction is in charge right now. You can be loving without caving to your own boundaries. She will see that as genuine love and remember it. My girl did. And I am really grateful we have a relationship today. We went through some really awful times. Try not to exacerbate the bad right now. Work your recovery and you will find some peace in all this insanity, I promise.
Take care, and keep in touch. There are so many parents here who support and care. We are walking along the same road together.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Welcome to Sober Recovery. So glad you found the forum.
You already have a slew of great advice from many amazing Mama's above.
It never ceases to amaze me that we have this miraculous connection in others that offer their experience, strength and hope along with prayers and warmth. It is like a Phoenix in the flames of the pain we all have suffered.
Please read the sticky post at the top of the forum. Keep reading and keep posting. It is such a great support system.
Prayers for your family and your beautiful daughter. May she come back to you in God's time.
Peace,
Hanna
You already have a slew of great advice from many amazing Mama's above.
It never ceases to amaze me that we have this miraculous connection in others that offer their experience, strength and hope along with prayers and warmth. It is like a Phoenix in the flames of the pain we all have suffered.
Please read the sticky post at the top of the forum. Keep reading and keep posting. It is such a great support system.
Prayers for your family and your beautiful daughter. May she come back to you in God's time.
Peace,
Hanna
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 76
Hi everyone,
I need to clarify my earlier post. I was reading more than I should have in ScaredSally's post only because of my families past experiences. I totally agree the daughter's stuff is her stuff. It is hard to see them sell off their valuables for drugs but it is their stuff.
My concern was if her daughter was popping in and stirring the pot with Mom.
There were times when my son would come home and almost everytime it was not a good scene, he was irritable and all that goes along with active addiction.
There was one time that he was released from a crisis center, they could no longer hold him. They gave him a bus ticket and sent him on his way. He took the bus as far north as he could then walked the 13-14 miles to our home He literally walked most of the night. He wanted his car and we did refuse due to his state of mind....my husband called the police and they did come. Our biggest worry was he had no insurance and for anyone that might be on the road with our son. I'm sure there were many times that he drove HIGH, he even told me once he was so high he woke up on the side of the rode. I can only imagine!!!!
The police understood what was going on so they tried to put some time between our son and his car by saying he would have to arrange a time to come back and get his car since it was early in the morning and my husband and I were both leaving for work. I actually never made it to work, I ended up staying home, the kid took a shower and I think he ended up deciding to go to rehab. So many bad memories.
I am always for keeping as far away as I can from the legal system since they have a way of taking over and making problems even worse.
All these Mom's and Dad's have given great advice.
I need to clarify my earlier post. I was reading more than I should have in ScaredSally's post only because of my families past experiences. I totally agree the daughter's stuff is her stuff. It is hard to see them sell off their valuables for drugs but it is their stuff.
My concern was if her daughter was popping in and stirring the pot with Mom.
There were times when my son would come home and almost everytime it was not a good scene, he was irritable and all that goes along with active addiction.
There was one time that he was released from a crisis center, they could no longer hold him. They gave him a bus ticket and sent him on his way. He took the bus as far north as he could then walked the 13-14 miles to our home He literally walked most of the night. He wanted his car and we did refuse due to his state of mind....my husband called the police and they did come. Our biggest worry was he had no insurance and for anyone that might be on the road with our son. I'm sure there were many times that he drove HIGH, he even told me once he was so high he woke up on the side of the rode. I can only imagine!!!!
The police understood what was going on so they tried to put some time between our son and his car by saying he would have to arrange a time to come back and get his car since it was early in the morning and my husband and I were both leaving for work. I actually never made it to work, I ended up staying home, the kid took a shower and I think he ended up deciding to go to rehab. So many bad memories.
I am always for keeping as far away as I can from the legal system since they have a way of taking over and making problems even worse.
All these Mom's and Dad's have given great advice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
You can't control what she may do with her things. She can do as she chooses - she is an adult.
I realize that letting her take her things is difficult for you, but by having her remove her belongings, you are also removing any reason that she should be in your home. If she is still actively using, this is probably a good thing. You won't be getting call after call saying, "Oh - I need to pick up ______", only to find jewelry, credit cards or other valuable items missing.
Sadly, addicts often resort to taking high-value items from the homes of family members because they are much less likely to report it to the police.
As for the order - when she comes to get her stuff, please make sure that the police are on hand in a friendly and civil way. Stay out of her way and have the police witness anything she takes. I know some others here say to keep the cops out of it, but when I had to move out of an extremely abusive roommate situation, I was glad they were on hand. She and her friend kept trying to get things started, but the police on hand discouraged that and made the move tolerable.
And after she gets everything out, change the locks. Make it clear that anything left behind after she leaves is abandoned and therefore no longer your responsibility.
I hope this goes smoothly and quickly.
I realize that letting her take her things is difficult for you, but by having her remove her belongings, you are also removing any reason that she should be in your home. If she is still actively using, this is probably a good thing. You won't be getting call after call saying, "Oh - I need to pick up ______", only to find jewelry, credit cards or other valuable items missing.
Sadly, addicts often resort to taking high-value items from the homes of family members because they are much less likely to report it to the police.
As for the order - when she comes to get her stuff, please make sure that the police are on hand in a friendly and civil way. Stay out of her way and have the police witness anything she takes. I know some others here say to keep the cops out of it, but when I had to move out of an extremely abusive roommate situation, I was glad they were on hand. She and her friend kept trying to get things started, but the police on hand discouraged that and made the move tolerable.
And after she gets everything out, change the locks. Make it clear that anything left behind after she leaves is abandoned and therefore no longer your responsibility.
I hope this goes smoothly and quickly.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
Posts: 197
I am also the mom of a heoin addicted daughter so I know the painful, often confusing journey that you describe.
I am glad you found SR because it has been a great resource of compassion and wisdom for me. I hope you continue to post...
AlAnon and NarAnon have also been valuable resources. No doubt the work on the 12 steps saved my life. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to let go of the pain and still love my daughter. The pain was crushing the life out of me.
I am not in contact with her at the present time but I hold a picture in my mind and heart of her safe and sound in the hands of God. I'm picturing your daughter there too...
I am glad you found SR because it has been a great resource of compassion and wisdom for me. I hope you continue to post...
AlAnon and NarAnon have also been valuable resources. No doubt the work on the 12 steps saved my life. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to let go of the pain and still love my daughter. The pain was crushing the life out of me.
I am not in contact with her at the present time but I hold a picture in my mind and heart of her safe and sound in the hands of God. I'm picturing your daughter there too...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hi, just one more quick share.. When my son got out of jail on 2-11, I bought him fresh clothes and toiletries to go to rehab. I had so much HOPE we were on the way to sobriety. Flash forward to 2-20. He is in jail and he has told me everything is gone. He left rehab 2 days later (!) and lost all his NEW STUFF to who knows who. All I know is that we non addicted folks put a ton more value on the tangible stuff than addicts do. My son has nothing left. Nothing... When he gets out of jail, all I can do is hope he finds his way to rehab. we were brought into this world with nothing, and I believe that God will show our lost loved ones the way back if they are sitting there with NOTHING left. It is impossible to know what goes on in the head of the addict. Impossible.
Hugs from Mamma T.
TT
Hugs from Mamma T.
TT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Arlington
Posts: 3
Thank you!
Wow! I just checked my post and I am overwhelmed with emotion.
I appreciate every single post and each one helped me to
See that holding on to her things is still me trying to control her addiction
and force sobriety. Thank you for being candid and straightforward
with advice. I feel so much support and compassion, all I can say is thank you all so much. I will contact her and she can pick up her things.
Hugs to all!
I appreciate every single post and each one helped me to
See that holding on to her things is still me trying to control her addiction
and force sobriety. Thank you for being candid and straightforward
with advice. I feel so much support and compassion, all I can say is thank you all so much. I will contact her and she can pick up her things.
Hugs to all!
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