Talked to my BF about the stash & our Relationship
 

After having spent a week apart from my boyfriend, we talked on Saturday about everything that was going on including my need for time to think after I found the small stash of drugs at my house. So this post is going to talk about what happened, and that includes talk of him. Im doing it on purpose to share the events, his side, and not only my feelings.

First thing I did was thank him for giving me this week to think quietly and on my own. I would not have realized this was a big deal if I hadn’t read so many people post here about how seldom that happens, and usually there is a bombardment of texts and phone calls. I respect him for this. I am also proud of myself for requesting the time apart, and for handling it all without an emotional breakdown.

I had lost all my anger by taking this week apart and thinking. So I talked to him and explained about the disappointment I felt finding drugs hidden at my place when I knew he was aware it was something I did not want in my house. I also told him it had been shocking to me that he would lie to my face (saying they had been forgotten, and then denying there were more until pressed when he disclosed another stash). But I also told him that I knew lying went with drug use, and it helped me realize that the drugs have obviously affected him in ways that I did not recognize earlier. But, I did not think his overall character was one of a “liar”. It would however progress to that if he continued using cocaine.

I will skip over part of it, but he says he talked to his doctor about all of it while he had two sessions last week. Having this happen made him realize also that the drug use has crept into his life and affected his character in ways that made him sick and disgusted with himself. He mentioned a couple of other examples he identified (not related to me) and I could tell he had given it some thought. He said ultimately he chose to do what he wanted to do because he thought it was no big deal, and I would never know. He said when he talked to the doctor, he realized that I was right and that my mom could have found the drugs, or a friend, or if he had got into some legal trouble, or a problem at work then it could have been traced back to me and my home.

Obviously he agreed not to leave any drugs stashed at my house. He asked me if I forgave him, and I told his yes, but that trust had been damaged by this, and it would take time for it to mend. He asked what he could do, and I told him I didn’t know, and I asked what he thought he could do. He didn’t know. Later that day when we had ventured to the park, I asked if he came up with a solution. He said that although he didn’t want it, he would understand if I felt the need to take time apart from him while he continues to work on his issues in therapy. I know he was sincere, but I told him I did not want that, or need to do that right now. I told him that perhaps I would take back the key to my house for a while until I felt more comfortable. He liked this idea just fine, and told me he would “earn” it back. I told him I knew he would. I also said he is welcome to come over just as before, except for this time period it will be when I am there. We actually went back to my house after this, and while I was afraid it would feel awkward, it didn’t.

I am happy with how this played out. I feel like I was able to make a boundary about my not willing to accept my home as a convenient storage area for drugs (if he does relapse again). I feel like I was able to communicate this without being witchy, and also explaining the reasoning behind it so he understood why I felt this way. I am glad I made the discussion interactive and asked “what he thought he could do”. I feel like it kept the communication open between us, and since we are keeping our relationship together, we need to work on overall relationship issues together.

it sounds like it went well for both parties. i am glad that for now you asked for your key back - i think that helps to reinforce some BOUNDARIES in the physical realm. i really do hope it goes well - it sounds like you are more aware now of just how sneaky this stuff can be - that's why they call it cunning, baffling and powerful.

take it easy, go slow! be well.

That sounds like it went very well.

Thanks Anvil, Hanna.

I feel good about taking back the key for now. It feels in a way like it is a step back in our relationship, but in truth it is. He broke the trust, and it does have to be "earned" back. I do feel like I have become more aware of what lies ahead for him (and for me) if his ways dont change.

I feel like my house gave me a high -five. It will be much less likely he would even want to keep drugs there (even if he relapses) because he wont have easy,open access. If he were to be pushy to come over and make a bee line for under the sofa cushion, or one of my shoe boxes - I hope I would get suspicious!

If he were to be pushy to come over and make a bee line for under the sofa cushion, or one of my shoe boxes - I hope I would get suspicious!

oh daisy that is so funny! yes if ANYONE comes to your home and immediately dives under the sofa, be concerned! I hope you remember that shock and anger at finding dope stashed in your home. cuz that's what addiction does....violates us. in ways we cannot conceive.

I hope this man of yours GETS it. coke is so damn sneaky. it's a mind f*ck, sorry to be crude. but it's like a cross between Satan and the Chesire Cat and the python from Jungle Book. it's evil, but it smiles so coyly and says:

trussssst me, it will be ok, jusssst a little bit. you'll see, it will be just like old times. I promisssssse.

I've got something over 7 years crack cocaine free, and every once in a while my head will still say...ya know, a couple of lines wouldn't be a BAD thing. these thoughts truly come out of nowhere.

right, like there's such thing as a couple of lines. like that wouldn't just p!ss ya off??? that beast never sleeps....we are exactly one bad decision away.

Sounds like it went well. Great job with the communication- sounds like the L.E.A.P. communication method. My husband and I learned about it in marriage counseling. Where you Listen, Empathise (see it through the other persons eyes), Agree (find common ground), Partner (work together to resolve mutually).

Its not always easy to work through every issue like that, so Im impressed. :)

I don't think I will ever forget the way it felt, and how quickly he stood there and lied to me not once but twice. It was almost like he was a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and at that moment he seemed so weak to me. But he is not a child, or weak in character, so thank God he did step up and he is taking responsibility for his behavior.

He has a long way to go I know this. I asked if he used while we were apart and he said no. But one night he was feeling down and he started drinking (and he does not usually drink much, not even when he used the cocaine) so he said then he got more depressed and he wanted to get high, but he did not have any there. He thought about going to get some (he has to drive a ways to get it) and decided he had been drinking and it wasn't a good idea. said he finally fell asleep. Clearly he has work still ahead of him.

I didnt have a specific method that I used, but I have had some classes in communications so maybe it did pay off? It helped me to have time apart, and it helped me to organize my thoughts and needs by using like a risk/benefit method to look at what I wanted and why. I realized one important thing is that I wanted to use this to set a foundation for our communication especially now that he is in treatment. There could be more things happen we have to deal with. I wanted us both to be clear and understanding of the other, and what was going on, and try to work on a solution together. I wanted him to realize that Im with him, and not against him, but I also have respect for myself and I will not allow him to forget that. I was hoping he would think of giving me the key back, but instead he went straight for if I need time apart. But I guess that was ok, because then he really liked my idea of just giving the key back. men.

I think you have your head on your shoulders about this.

Peace,
Hanna

I like your approach, and communication style. I think even when you talk to an addict with respect, they will listen and yes have work to do. but it's better than being bitchy and sarcastic. that's my weakness, I'm trying to learn not to be so sarcastic.

I only get that way, when people talk to me like I'm stupid. there is a way to talk to people even addicts. And it's firm, with honesty without yelling and screaming, and being sarcastic. I'm learning.

My BF listens when I talk to him like an adult.

GraciousOne,

I have been meaning to reply to you but with work going on sometimes I am slow in that sense. I think if I had tried to have the full conversation with my boyfriend before I calmed down and thought things through, it would have been a lot of yelling, mean comments that I would have regretted, saying things that would have made him become defensive, and it could have all went very wrong.

Im glad I took the time to think, because it has helped me realize just what you said, there is a better way to talk to someone with an addiction, or who is trying to stop and is what I would call fragile. We can still accomplish what we need, while not treating them like an inferior person. That is all part of the stigma of drug use. They each have their own level of ability to communicate I guess, why not try to maximize it. Im learning too.