Deep denial...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
Deep denial...
After reading several posts here I now realize how deep in denial I have been about my step son's addiction.
Despite the fact I have been in recovery (co dependency) for 4 years, going to meetings, working the steps, I kept thinking I could some how stop it, prevent it, get him to see the light and now I realize I can't. I kept wanting definitive proof that he is addicted and I kept ignoring all the signs. His state is so much worse than I wanted to admit. I know this is because of my co dependency, but I just didn't want see it.
I feel angry that his Dad and I were talked into compromising our standards, by professionals who were suppose to help my step son but instead all they did was tell him he is normal and they didn't see through his lies and manipulations. Instead they told him all about his "rights" as a 16yr old.
I feel angry that my step son's mother kept undermining us at every turn and telling him that it is okay and normal for teens to drink and use drugs. I feel angry that people are enabling his game and believing his lies.
Mostly I feel very very sad that my step son has chosen this path in his life and I'm sad because I know now that he will never be able to live here again as we expect sobriety in our house and we will not compromise on that again. I feel sad because I see that it will take many years for him to achieve his dreams that he so easily gave up to get high/drunk.
Even though I know I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it, I'm still struggling with letting go...
Despite the fact I have been in recovery (co dependency) for 4 years, going to meetings, working the steps, I kept thinking I could some how stop it, prevent it, get him to see the light and now I realize I can't. I kept wanting definitive proof that he is addicted and I kept ignoring all the signs. His state is so much worse than I wanted to admit. I know this is because of my co dependency, but I just didn't want see it.
I feel angry that his Dad and I were talked into compromising our standards, by professionals who were suppose to help my step son but instead all they did was tell him he is normal and they didn't see through his lies and manipulations. Instead they told him all about his "rights" as a 16yr old.
I feel angry that my step son's mother kept undermining us at every turn and telling him that it is okay and normal for teens to drink and use drugs. I feel angry that people are enabling his game and believing his lies.
Mostly I feel very very sad that my step son has chosen this path in his life and I'm sad because I know now that he will never be able to live here again as we expect sobriety in our house and we will not compromise on that again. I feel sad because I see that it will take many years for him to achieve his dreams that he so easily gave up to get high/drunk.
Even though I know I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it, I'm still struggling with letting go...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Welcome to the forums. ((hugs))
I can tell you're really hurting about all this. Sorry you're going through it. But you are doing so well and have so much support behind you with your meetings and working the steps. I know you're going to be okay.
Someone in my meeting this morning, as we were talking about Step 3, and the slogan Let go and Let God...and also talked about "let go or be dragged."
Boy, could I relate to that!!
I have seen so clearly that when I hold on and want things to be the way I want them to be that I am dragged through my life and get seriously injured along the way. What a nightmare.
I trust you'll let go when you're tired of being dragged and it'll be the perfect time. Your steps will be there to support you and help you loosen your grip too. Again, glad you're here. xo
I can tell you're really hurting about all this. Sorry you're going through it. But you are doing so well and have so much support behind you with your meetings and working the steps. I know you're going to be okay.
Someone in my meeting this morning, as we were talking about Step 3, and the slogan Let go and Let God...and also talked about "let go or be dragged."
Boy, could I relate to that!!
I have seen so clearly that when I hold on and want things to be the way I want them to be that I am dragged through my life and get seriously injured along the way. What a nightmare.
I trust you'll let go when you're tired of being dragged and it'll be the perfect time. Your steps will be there to support you and help you loosen your grip too. Again, glad you're here. xo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am so glad you posted. Even though you called your post DENIAL, I only read awareness and honesty in it. There are so many forces that work against parents when it comes to teenagers & drugs, we cannot take blame for them all. You have realized your part. And you can now work your recovery in a new way as it relates to your stepson. Good stuff, really, as painful as it is, because I can see your recovery in the way you wrote this post.
I can also relate to everything you've written, and if you read my posts (just joined in July), you will know my story parallels yours, except that I am the mother. My husband, her stepdad, has felt much of what you are experiencing as well. Hurt, angry, defeated. We both have. But I can tell you that working a program with myself in mind, and making clear, firm, and loving boundaries, has helped immensely.
On Sunday, my RAD & I had our first conversation alone (in a year) where we taked about real things that happened in her past, her perspective on them, and how she's learning to not blame herself for everything. Very powerful. And a shock to me that it happened so soon and so naturally, in a loving way. We are both working our recovery.
I am sending you peace and serenity. Keep posting. We are here for you--lots of parents will be coming along any time now...
:ghug3
I can also relate to everything you've written, and if you read my posts (just joined in July), you will know my story parallels yours, except that I am the mother. My husband, her stepdad, has felt much of what you are experiencing as well. Hurt, angry, defeated. We both have. But I can tell you that working a program with myself in mind, and making clear, firm, and loving boundaries, has helped immensely.
On Sunday, my RAD & I had our first conversation alone (in a year) where we taked about real things that happened in her past, her perspective on them, and how she's learning to not blame herself for everything. Very powerful. And a shock to me that it happened so soon and so naturally, in a loving way. We are both working our recovery.
I am sending you peace and serenity. Keep posting. We are here for you--lots of parents will be coming along any time now...
:ghug3
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Destynestar: Thank you for sharing. Being the parent of an addict is different than being the spouse of or friend of, and so recovery for us looks different.
Just last night at an Al-Anon meeting, I was struck by the phrase, "can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." What struck me was that, for me, forget the happiness, I am very satisfied with finding contentment - and even that has been hard-fought and is, truthfully, fleeting.
I too watched my AS throw away so much, almost in the blink of an eye. Of course, way back then (12 years ago), he was on top of the world and had no clue he would be in the pits he is now. He has no car, no driver's license, debt up to his eyeballs, only a high school education, if he gets caught driving again they threatened a felony conviction for him, brought a child into this world who has to live with the mother and mother's heroine-addicted sister, lost an eye (which might have been saved had he followed doctor's orders and had health insurance), wears ripped-up clothes even to job interviews, has to walk everywhere in the cold winter, has a foggy brain, cannot be trusted not to steal from his family, lives in people's basements, has to go to jail once in a while. These are only the things I know about. I am sure there is more. And yet to him everything is fine.
But, God is good, and he loves all his children, including you, your husband, your stepson, me, and my son. He has a plan for each and every one of us, a good plan, a plan that is life and not death. And so we parents find that balance of waiting and moving on.
Keep coming back. We need you, and hopefully you find good things here to help you not only survive but thrive!
Sojourner
Just last night at an Al-Anon meeting, I was struck by the phrase, "can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." What struck me was that, for me, forget the happiness, I am very satisfied with finding contentment - and even that has been hard-fought and is, truthfully, fleeting.
I too watched my AS throw away so much, almost in the blink of an eye. Of course, way back then (12 years ago), he was on top of the world and had no clue he would be in the pits he is now. He has no car, no driver's license, debt up to his eyeballs, only a high school education, if he gets caught driving again they threatened a felony conviction for him, brought a child into this world who has to live with the mother and mother's heroine-addicted sister, lost an eye (which might have been saved had he followed doctor's orders and had health insurance), wears ripped-up clothes even to job interviews, has to walk everywhere in the cold winter, has a foggy brain, cannot be trusted not to steal from his family, lives in people's basements, has to go to jail once in a while. These are only the things I know about. I am sure there is more. And yet to him everything is fine.
But, God is good, and he loves all his children, including you, your husband, your stepson, me, and my son. He has a plan for each and every one of us, a good plan, a plan that is life and not death. And so we parents find that balance of waiting and moving on.
Keep coming back. We need you, and hopefully you find good things here to help you not only survive but thrive!
Sojourner
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome to the site. 
As a mom, I can relate. I think your son lucky to have your support and understanding! How old is he? I had a difficult time letting go, though it seemed to go easier once my son was "legally an adult."
Parenting during the teen years is tough stuff; extra challenging when substance abuse is part of the picture.
As a mom, I can relate. I think your son lucky to have your support and understanding! How old is he? I had a difficult time letting go, though it seemed to go easier once my son was "legally an adult."
Parenting during the teen years is tough stuff; extra challenging when substance abuse is part of the picture.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad to know that you have been attending meetings and attending to your own recovery. Being the parent of an addict is so extremely painful and difficult but we can find a measure of serenity when we choose to do so.
My sons's story is much like sojourner's son. I can never be grateful that my son is an addict (currently in recovery) but I will be forever grateful for the lessons and personal growth that are a direct result of his addiction.
I hope you stick around as I'm sure you have so much ESH to share with all of us. And we'll walk with you as you make your journey. We learn to walk together, talk, support, love and even laugh again.
gentle hugs
ke
My sons's story is much like sojourner's son. I can never be grateful that my son is an addict (currently in recovery) but I will be forever grateful for the lessons and personal growth that are a direct result of his addiction.
I hope you stick around as I'm sure you have so much ESH to share with all of us. And we'll walk with you as you make your journey. We learn to walk together, talk, support, love and even laugh again.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by shinebright7 
"let go or be dragged."
Originally Posted by Anaya
How old is he?
Thank you all for your support. It is such a relief to know that we are not the only parents dealing with this. It is tough to sit back and wait for AS (I was going to add a second S for step until I realized what that would spell.. ) to find his bottom, admit he has a problem and begin to seek help.
Again I'm so glad to have found this site!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Seventeen was rough - school and law telling us we were still "responsible" for him and his actions as he was taking full advantage of that knowledge.
Hang in there. Wishing you peace of mind and happiness in the days ahead.
Hang in there. Wishing you peace of mind and happiness in the days ahead.
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